So How Can I Weaponize This?
by longherin
Summary: This started as a short story about how nerd weaponizes light. Now it is 'how quickly can we cover the entire Harry Potter series while adding progressively more technology and research into the mix.' Still a stupid story for the sake of stupid stories, though. Enjoy
1. Prismatic Alignment - 1

{ === + === }

Who am I? That's not important.

What am I? A skinny ten year old…I've been downscaled, apparently.

Where am I? Harry Potter Universe!

What do we have? Magic, Muggle Know-how, and reckless ingenuity.

Let's get started.

 _We do need a name, though._

Uh…hrm.

I'll just go with Ash like usual then.

…

[First Year, Way before TROLL IN DUNGEON]

…

"Hey, Ash?" Harry asks us worriedly.

He's worried about us because we've done nothing but read and do homework for…what, days on end by now? We've skipped dinner a few times to do it too.

 _Which, for the record, is extremely unusual behavior for a small child. It's par for the course for a twenty-something though, just replace 'homework' with 'work'._

"Yeah?" We respond absentmindedly as we study the ins and outs of Lumos.

"Why do you like homework so much?" Harry asks, genuinely (and very innocently) worried for our health…not that I blame him, since I out-Hermione'd Hermione for a little bit, and since as it's before Halloween they're not friends yet.

Where is she, anyways?

 _We're in the Gryffindor Common Room, because Main Character Privileges._

"Harry, do you realize where you are?" I ask him…gotta be careful with how I word things.

"Well…yeah, we're in Hogwarts." He responds confusedly.

"Just ignore him." Ron's hostile. "Not trying to be mean, mate, but you're bonkers to like school so much." At least he's not mean because he's a bad person.

I stand and address Ron. "I suppose this would make more sense to us muggles than to you, since you grew up with magic around you, but…"

 _We grip Harry's shoulders tightly._

"Dude, we can use _magic_."

 _It should be noted right now that we speak with a very obviously American accent among a cast of English folk._

We stare into his eyes. "Like I don't know how to make that point more clear."

"Ok, ok." Harry's uncomfortable with our Americanization of his personal bubble. "Uh…"

We let him go. "Sorry. Just wanted to make my point."

 _The two of them excuse themselves and head down for dinner, and we can hear Ron going "Are all Americans as rude as he is?"_

Ignore him.

Let's see…

 _…_

[Some days later, still before TROLL IN DUNGEON]

…

I think this is the part where Malfoy's an asshole and Harry learns to air.

 _Per expectations, Harry learns to air, Malfoy learns to air, Neville learns to air and airs very badly and breaks his arm in the process._

Malfoy steals Neville's Remembrall, challenges Harry to an air battle (which Harry wins hands down)…

And then goes on to bother the other Gryffindors on the ground.

 _We're standing around reviewing our notes from our Lumos study, which in retrospect was not exactly the best idea given that Malfoy's pretty much the textbook bully villain._

As expected, one of Malfoy's lackeys snatches the notes from my hand.

"Dude, give that back." My right sleeve holds my wand and I slip it into my hand (out of his line of sight).

Uh…I really don't rememb Crabbe! Or Goyle. One of the two.

Lackey mimicks me with the stock bully accent.

I sigh. "Draco, keep your dogs on a shorter leash, will ya?"

"What are you doing, bringing _homework_ to a flying lesson?" Malfoy relieves his lackey of my notes.

"Yeah, yeah…now fork it over." I really don't like having my things stolen.

Malfoy grins, and then prepares to shred my notes to pieces.

He then screams in pain as we Lumos the hell out of his eyes. Fortunately, he drops my notes instead of tearing them up while his hands go for his eyes.

 _In retrospect, we really didn't think that part over._

"I warned you." I sigh and recover my notes.

One Lackey manages to put two and two together and moves to avenge Malfoy via coming in with a fist.

 _Fist versus flashbang._

Flashbang wins: the poor ten year old ends up punching himself in the face as he trips over his own foot and lands on the ground.

I feel like I should be the bigger man here, being mentally older and all, but…eh, I'm like seventy pounds. I'm _light_.

 _And the sooner we teach Malfoy how to man, the better._

Yeah, sure, let's go with that.

The professor for flying shows up at this moment and realizes that two of the Slytherins are writhing in pain on the floor…while I'm stowing away my wand.

She's pretty angry…not surprising given I had left a whole class of witnesses to us "flashing Malfoy's eyes out."

 _She did a double take when she heard that._

"He stole my things." Was my justification.

"Petty theft is no reason for violence, young man." Madam Hooch (I think that's what her name is) berates us.

 _She had taken us out of the group as Malfoy gets his vision back._

So we're alone here…I guess I can cut loose a little bit.

Let's hope she's in a debating mood. "I realize that he's the Malfoy boy, and honestly that's less of a reason for him to act the way he does."

"Is that so?" She says…in a way that prompts me to continue.

 _I think we threw her off a bit?_

"Yeah. I don't like having to resort to violence, but as far as I'm concerned the future heir of the Malfoys should act more according to his station."

"And thus you attacked him for his own benefit." Hooch doesn't really buy it…can't blame her, I suppose.

"Well…no. I attacked him because he stole my things, but I do believe that acting as if self-defense is forbidden is detrimental to the well-being of the school."

"You've got quite the mouth for a child." She says with a hint of a smile.

Cheerful smile…"I try."

"However, fighting in the school grounds is absolutely forbidden."

Well, shit. Oh well, good effort.

I nod. "I understand."

…

In the end we got detention for two days reorganizing the broom store.

Not a bad deal, given that we got to fly on said brooms for a bit when we were done.

For the record: we are NOT Harry in terms of knowing how to air.

Also Malfoy came for a second round.

Nobody was paying attention this time so I…lightly, bopped him in the leg with a broom. Lightly.

 _In the same sense that a house burned to the ground is "lightly damaged", yes._

…

[A few days before TROLLS IN THE DUNGEON]

…

I can't believe I forgot about the Room of Requirement.

Well, we have un-forgotten about it now.

…

But I've forgotten how to get to it and how to open it.

Dammit.

It's been really long since I've read…was it book six or book five that introduced the room?

 _Probably Book five._

So now we're s-wait wait wait it's coming back to me. I need to pace in front of some painting on the seventh floor while trying my hardest not to think about porn.

Got it.

…

 _We eventually find the large portrait we're supposed to be looking for. Find via trial and error._

Let's see…I don't see a suspicious door at the end of the hallway, so nobody's here besides us.

Good.

Pace pace pace…I need a set of prismatic lens and an energy charger…I need a set of prismatic lens and an energy charger…

…There's the door. Really? I'm really surprised it would give it to me.

Now then…wow, the room really knows drama.

 _The room of requirement this time is a dimly lit room with the prismatic lens and energy charger placed on a pedestal in the middle of the room with a single light shone upon it._

Uh…I don't think the room interpreted my wishes as I thought it did.

 _It gave us a rechargeable AA battery._

Erm…the prismatic lens is at least workable. Can I get a cardboard tube?

 _POP_

Ooh, thanks.

 _We place our hand through the cardboard tube and attach the prismatic lens on the opposite end._

Concave…convex? Concave, I think, since it 'caves' inwards, and I want it to as a focus.

Ok…my (right) arm looks _stupid_. It's literally a giant cardboard tube large enough to cover the arm and wand. It's like I'm trying to roleplay as Samus with a five dollar budget.

Also, I'd like to have some tape.

 _POP_

Er…masking tape, not a tape measure.

 _POP_

Thank ya.

 _We tape the lens to the cardboard tube._

Ok, let's give this a go.

 _Lumos!_

…

Hrm.

I don't think this is as powerful as I think it is.

Can I have some power amplifiers?

 _POP. It gave us a bag of potato chips._

I feel like the room is taunting us. By us I mean me, because there's no way the room can recognize that I talk to myself.

 _POP. A book about insanity appeared on the pedestal._

…ok you know what room I don't need your sass

 _POP. A sash appeared on the pedestal._

…Alright, alright. Jesus.

…

What, no Jesus?

Fine.

Back to the task at hand: the lumos spell is obviously being concentrated by the prismatic lens, but it's definitely not generating the output required for it to actually be a weapon.

What to do…what to do…

I need a stronger core, or I need to be a stronger mage, or I need to be not ten years old. One of the three.

…

I wish for some magic canisters that I can charge and use later.

…

No go. Dammit.

Oh well.

…

Just to be clear: our goal is to use Lumos as the basis for a laser. I'm not quite sure how the school decides what's considered Muggle equipment and what isn't, since almost all Muggle equipment rely on fundamental physics.

 _Or maybe the spell just stops unshielded equipment from working entirely?_

…yeah, or that. I'll need to do some more research…the Librarian doesn't like us too much. On one hand, we're super polite and bookish, but on the other we're very quick to draw wands during conflicts, which is not exactly a welcome trait to see on a ten year old.

All that adds to is a clear reluctance from the librarian to have me visit any part of the library that might contain damage-inducing spells (or spells that could be potentially dangerous), so that hampers my efforts for creating a death laser a bit.

Oh well, live and learn, and all that. We WILL create a beam of light before moving onto our other projects.

 _Said other projects may or may not end with Voldemort's untimely death in book four at the hands of an ICBM._

Imagine all the things we can do with the Imperius curse. Up to and including starting world war 3.

I am _so ready_ to out-evil Voldemort.

…

[Day of TROLL IN THE DUNGEON]

…

TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!

The kids panic, and we're sitting here cracking up, because Quirrell is amazing.

We catch Snape's eye and immediately stop grinning. Snape likes us well enough (as much as he could like a Gryffindor) but laughing in the face of a terrifying unknown raises red flags.

Uhm…so…let's see…

"Gryffindors this way!" Percy yells over the din and tries (and mostly succeeds) to get the attention of us scared little kids…

Harry wants to go warn Hermione…

Ron tags along… _kinda._

"What are _you_ doing here?" Ron is unfriendly to us, because, let's be honest, we're a bit of an uppity asshole. We're like Percy, except we have an utter distain for authority and a worrying thirst for blood.

 _So we're not at all like Percy._

"I'm worried about Hermy." It's as good of a reason as any…plus I shouldn't know that she exists, given how little I've cared about my surroundings thus far.

 _Harry frowns at 'hermy'._

Ron rolls his eyes. "Figures. Bookworms."

"Quiet!" Harry hisses at us. "Can you hear that?"

Let's see…I hear a dull roar.

 _We're coming up to the bathrooms, so probably…_

Yep the TROLL is in the region

"Move!" Harry takes command and we burst onto the scene!

Ok whew we didn't butterfly Hermione to death.

 _She's pretty damn close though. The TROLL ripped off a sink and is using it as a bludgeon. Fortunately, when we showed up it turned to look at us instead of trying to turn Hermione into a smear on the floor._

"Dammit, we're gonna be cutting it close." I mutter and draw wand…plus our prismatic equipment.

"Do you actually know a spell that could help?" Ron demands before chucking a piece of ceramic at the TROLL.

 _Every time you see the world TROLL, yell it in Quirrel's voice._

"Guess we'll find out." I point my wand. "Lumos!"

A burst of light shoots from the wand, passes through the prismatic lens, and strike the TROLL on the head. Ew.

 _There's the smell of singed TROLL flesh and all in attendance wrinkle their noses despite themselves._

That aside, I figured out how to fire off the full power of a spell in a smaller package, thus making Lumos more viable as a type of weapon.

 _It's still real bad, mind you._

Either way, having his head heated up caught the TROLL's attention (is it really a he-actually I don't want to know) and he turned to face us with his club of handwashing.

In retrospect this wasn't the smartest idea.

"You two, get her out of here." I say to the two main protagonists as the TROLL tries to understand exactly what he's going up against.

 _Insert trolls are stupid joke here._

It does figure it out eventually after I shoot it in the head again with a Lumos ray.

With a spittle-filled roar it comes after exclusively me, its washing club raised high overhead.

 _We back out of the bathroom in a hell of a hurry while luring it with more shots._

It smells really bad every time we actually hit it, too…also let's try to not get hit by the shards that will fly off of the ceramic if he slams it on the ground, since the pieces will rearrange our face if we let it.

 _He slams his washing club on the ground._

Shit.

 _We dive out of the bathroom as ceramic pieces scatter everywhere, and then poke our head through to shoot the TROLL in the head a few more times, luring it out._

It got smart enough to drop its washing club for its real one, so that's nice.

…wait that's not nice that club has nails on it

 _We lure it to the doorstep of the bathroom…where it stops and refuses to go any further, opting instead to take ineffectual swings as we back out of his reach._

I'm still pelting him with my rays of light, so I don't see how his stupidity is somehow telling him that "stay here and get shot at" is a good idea.

Uh…that being said, it _is_ trapping the three leads in the bathroom, so maybe it's doing something right after all, as we obviously don't have the firepower to decide this in any way.

…well, I mean, I can just keep shooting at its head until I eventually hit the soft, creamy center, but…

…?

There are like three variants of the Lumos spell, wasn't there?

 _If we take the movies to be canon, sure: there's the default spell, the one Hermione uses on the gropey plants, and the one Harry uses at the beginning of the third movie. There are probably others but we stopped paying attention around that time._

So it should be possible to alter the firepower of our spell via using an extended chant.

…

I don't think there's a way for me to test that out right now, not with Sir Roars-A-Lot trying to bash my head in from all the way over there™. I wonder if TROLLs have bad depth perception?

 _In the end, per the movies, Ron grabs control of the club during one of the TROLL's overhead swings and drops it on its head._

Unlike the movies, the fact that the TROLL blocked the entrance now meant that instead of having a conscious and angry blob of unhygienic half-giant, we now just have a blob at the doorstep, and traversing past said doorstop was impossible.

Until the teachers came and fixed it (namely, by waking it up and letting it walk out because Dumbledore).

 _Ten points to Dumbledore._

We got docked five points apiece, with ten for dumb luck like usual. I also got an extra ten from Flitwick for exceptional spellwork, though I don't know how he could tell.

 _Maybe it was the scorch marks._

.

.

.

{ === + === }

Author Notes:

The basis for this chapter is the Void Ray.

 _Also known as Starcraft 2's win button._


	2. Prismatic Alignment - 2

{ === + === }

.

[Harry's first Quidditch Match]

.

The boy's having stomach troubles, Ron and Hermione are supportive friends...

 _And our status?_

We are…uh…I guess we were the darling of Gryffindor for a little while after it came out that we, y'know, tried to roast the TROLL.

And we're also (tentatively) Harry's friend now, because it was apparently a buy one get one free deal when Hermione joined up.

Not that I'm complaining, mind; getting close to Harry is a good way to find trouble, and trouble is the best excuse to roll out increasingly complicated weapons and armament.

…

As of a moment ago, Professor Snape just walked by (after a taunting Harry a little and giving us a lengthened, appraising glare) and the three of them are discussing Snape and Fluffy.

As an aside, I technically missed the Fluffy train.

"Who's Fluffy?" I ask the trio.

"He's a huge Cerberus." Hermione replies. "We met him on the third floor."

 _She knows what a Cerberus is?_

Act surprised. "In the forbidden corridor?"

Hermione, not one for breaking rules, nods glumly.

Let's gauge their reactions. "And you believe Professor Snape tried to break past him?"

Hermione is unconvinced, Harry nods firmly, and Ron…scowls.

"Whose side are you on, mate?" He demands of us.

"I'm on the side of justice." I grin…one, because it's true, and two, because it sounds so incredibly naïve and childish.

Ron rolls his eyes.

Let's steer the conversation back on track. "Point being, does that dog bite everyone?"

Harry frowns. "I don't know; it's a guard dog."

I nod. "Right…so Snape could've just been unlucky."

"Of course he was unlucky, Fluffy bit him." Ron mutters.

To be honest, that's actually an oddly impeccable leap of logic. "I mean, he could've been trying to stop something and was bitten as a result."

"Stop who?" Harry doesn't get it.

 _Nobody can get it; we're working with prior knowledge here._

"Say, Quirrell."

Hermione looks at me like I'm an idiot. "Why him? Professor Quirrell is harmless."

"Well…you saw how the troll behaved. Do you really believe it can run from the Dungeons up to where you were in a matter of minutes?"

I'm reaching here a bit: I don't know when the troll entered the school and thus have no basis to believe that it was released on the same floor as Hermione.

"You think _Quirrell_ did it?" Ron…if Ron's disbelief can be captured and distilled I'd be a millionaire.

Can't reach too far here. "I know Professor Snape looks like a bad guy. I also know that he's smart." Because he's an adult.

 _Harry and Ron aren't impressed, Hermione nods in agreement._

Here goes. "Do you really think someone like Snape would be dumb enough to get bitten by the dog for no reason?"

 _The three are silent._

Got 'em? Got 'em. I think. "Enough of that. Harry, eat."

…

The match goes like it does normally: Slytherin going for full body contact, Gryffindors playing fair and paying for it, Harry being remarkably useless until the last moment.

…

Alright, full disclosure. I'm poor. The real me at this time would be like a year old, tops, so I don't have any money to my name.

 _Our stuff magically appeared in the backstory. Shhh._

Thus, we spent a lot of time buttering up the teachers through just being a friendly (if somewhat dorky) kid. We paid special attention to knowing things about Quirrell, especially his likes and dislikes.

The fact that we were disturbingly prone to violence made our strange fascination with Quirrell make sense: we wanted to know about the Defense teacher because we liked fighting, and thus nobody really cared beyond "oh wow what a precocious and troublesome child".

Thus!

…

[3rd Person Camera]

…

An owl flew to Quirrel when he began trying to hex Harry's broom and dropped off a package of his favorite coffee.

"Oh! What a weirdly timed gift!" Professor Flitwick laughs. "It's from that Ash boy, isn't it?"

Quirrell shakily takes the coffee pack from the owl, his mind racing all the while about the curiously impeccable timing of the delivery…after all, most owls would just deliver gifts like these to his office, not to his person, so why was this one different? Was the child somehow aware that he would…?

"Are you alright, Quirinus?" Flitwick asks, concerned. _Side note: did not know that was Quirrell's first name._

"Y-Yes, Filius." Quirrell flashed his incredibly shaky smile. "It s-s-simply caught me off g-g-g-guard, is all."

"A pack of coffee is enough to disarm our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher." Snape sneered (but not turning around). "Whatever shall we do?"

Snape himself was interested to know exactly who sent that package, and more importantly, why now.

…

[1st Person Camera]

…

 _We're observing from the Gryffindor stands._

Looks like the operation went smoothly; Harry's broom, instead of trying to buck him off for the majority of the endgame, only did so for a good twenty seconds or so.

"Why did Harry's broom do that?" Ron mutters. "A new broom shouldn't do that."

"Maybe that Nimbus is defective." Hagrid growls. "They coulda killed the great Harry Potter with sumthin like that."

So I may have replaced an act of attempted murder with a corporate investigation and maybe layoffs. Oopsies.

 _We have no remorse._

But then again Hogwarts is incredibly lax on security, so I can't imagine anybody writing a strongly worded letter to…except Quidditch is a sport, and sport fans are fanatical.

Sorry Nimbus!

...

…

[Potions class some days later]

…

…

I can feel Snape staring at me. I'm pretty damn sure everybody else is aware that he's staring at me. It is worrying.

"Did you do something again?" Hermione (partner) hisses at me.

"Not to my knowledge." I reply.

It should be noted that we're a serious tryhard during Potions. We suck at it (much more so than Transfigurations, which might as well be the class we live and breathe for) but man do we try.

As a result, we get flak from Snape (house rivalry at its finest), but at the end of the day he's an educator, and when your name isn't Harry he will (begrudgingly) let you slide for doing good work.

I'm not sure how we got paired with Hermione though. That seems weird. Helpful, since Hermione is terrifyingly exact with measurements, but still weird.

 _The faculty knows that Hermione is notoriously bad at lying. Snape knows that Hermione is bad at lying._

Huh.

…

At the end of the class, Professor Snape stands up and walks up to our desk. "Mister Ash, would you kindly stay behind class for today?"

 _For the record: Snape is totally Alan Rickman. It's glorious._

"Yes sir." I reply readily.

The rest of the Gryffindors go "oh shit" but meh.

…

 _Once all of the students have left…_

"Do you know why I asked you to remain behind?" He asks.

Doesn't really take a genius. "I assume it has to do with the coffee I sent Professor Quirrell, sir."

"So it was you." Snape narrows his eyes. "Why did you do it?"

…He can read minds, right? So he should be able to tell.

 _What they have isn't really mind reading…it's more like detect intention?_

Except he actually used a spell during book 6, so…more research topics for the future, I suppose. For now, focus on the interrogation.

"Because the coffee was better fresh." I shrug. "That's what the package said."

He glares at us for a good minute or so.

"Why, was he doing something?" I ask him innocently.

"Don't play coy with me, boy." Snape warns. "It was for a far greater reason than petty bribery."

Ha. Bribery. Right.

 _That's actually really accurate._

Act innocent. "Would you believe me if I said Quirrell has Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head?"

"What?" Snape is bewildered. Not by confusion, but by the sheer stupidity and awful foreshadowing of my statement.

"He has a head on the back of his head." I say matter of factly. "Like…I don't know how to make that point more clear."

 _It's a good thing that we're an established nutcase._

"You are utterly foolish." Snape sighs. "Just because he wears a turban…enough, go."

Pah. I hope he at least considers it though.

…

 _Gryffindors wanted to know why Snape kept us behind, we said it was for coffee. They were confused._

Very glad GTA isn't a thing at this time.

…

Back to research.

…

[One night, sometime later]

…

Prismatic Core online.

 _We figured it out._

We didn't really figure it out. We sought Flitwick's advice on how to improve the power of our Lumos spell. Our reputation worked against us a bit, but we were able to convince Flitwick that it was for the same of learning better spellwork.

He eventually relented, and taught us the art of spell holding.

 _…kinda, he gave us permission to borrow a book on the subject in the library._

What is spell holding? Well, if you've watched the second movie's representation of the Dueling Club, during the demonstration duel, where Snape duels Lockhart, Snape uses the disarming spell (Expelli-something, don't remember right now) and holds the first syllable of the spell for a full second or so. That's spell holding.

 _To be more precise, it is a form of spell holding._

There's a proper pronoun for it, but I don't care, so we're just going to call it spell holding. Anyways, assuming it's canon since there are some discrepancies between the movie and what our book is describing, what Professor Snape did was a variant of spell holding where he _reduced_ the power so as to avoid giving his target (Lockhart) any unnecessary side effects.

Fun fact: a disarming spell that's too powerful compared to its target might cause actual disarming. As in, arm fly out of socket.

 _Snape did a real good job making sure that didn't happen then._

As much of a fop as Lockhart was, he wasn't magically flaccid, just untalented. His arm would've been fine.

Back on track: what we're looking for is the polar opposite, where we hold the magic of the spell and overlay it again and again to provide the power output we need…because, as it turns out, in terms of innate magical power, we probably have the least among all the living, breathing human entities within Hogwarts, except maybe Filch.

…though the fact that we have enough to qualify for the school at all is a blessing enough, so I'm not gonna complain about that.

We're getting stronger though. Magical power is pretty much mental muscle. Use it and it gets better.

…

I am just getting distracted left and right.

Where was I, uh…?

Increasing power via spell holding: cheapest way to do it is through just using a longer chant. Caveat here is that the chant must directly attribute to the spell, whatever that means.

 _It means that we can't just filibuster our way to a laser nuke._

Bummer, really…it works well enough for Congress, why can't it work for us?

…hmm…at the end of the day, I guess it loops back to having a prismatic lens that can charge the spell on its own, or some way to store the power to use for later, because there is no way in hell I can remember a chant this long.

 _Even better: we can't look at notes when casting or the power will dissipate due to our lack of concentration._

…maybe I can bastardize the portkey somehow? Hrm…but that's higher level magic that the librarian won't let me access.

Dammit.

Well, right now my ray of light has evolved from a pew pew gun into a low output drilling laser, which is certainly a step up.

"Uh…Ash?"

 _We're sitting in the corner of the Gryffindor common room, surrounded by two tables. One holds the books we borrowed and our looseleaf notes paper, the other holds our Cardboard Tube of Death._

It's a CTD, which we find funny for the dumbest of reasons.

Anyways, we've cordoned off a section of the Gryffindor room for our own personal use, and now there's an NPC trying to get our attention.

 _They're actual people, y'know._

"Yeah?" I look up…girl, probably 14 or so. "What do you need?"

"Well, uh…" The girl frowns. "We were wondering what plans did you have for Christmas?"

…

What? "I plan to be here." I tap the books.

"Oh, well, uh."

 _She's taken by surprise because we are extremely hostile when pulled out of our research…it takes a little while before our 'Normal Conversation' gears engage, and how we emphasis our words show it._

The gears are currently not engaged. "If you have something to say, say it."

 _She's not happy with how rude we are, because we're ten._

"Nevermind." She huffs and walks off.

We watch her walk off for a few seconds before going back to troubleshooting our CTD.

I feel like I'm so close, and having someone interrupt me is just a pain in the neck.

"She was just trying to be nice, you know." Hermione (bookworm + safe corner + do not disturb = safe reading heaven) chides us.

"I know. I don't really care, though." Ok, this should do it.

 _We installed more prismatic lens (courtesy of the Room of Requirement) on the outside of the Cardboard tube._

"You've been working on that thing for months." Hermione sighs. "Is it important?"

I do my best Gabriel Tosh impersonation. "Maybe yes, maybe no." I put the CTD on my arm. "Ok, let's give this a shot."

I open a window to the general dismayed outcry of everyone present.

 _Plus a "what are you doing?" from Percy, who probably thinks we're going to jump or something._

Fix wand-arm, focus, and… "Lumos Maxima."

 ** _BOOM_**

AHAHAHAHAHA

YES! FUCK YES!

"What did you do?!" Percy demands as I bounce back from the window and close it with a shit-eating grin on my face.

My grin cannot be contained. "I have a void ray."

Percy does his best (probably accidental) imitation of Molly Weasley. "You are in a lot of trouble, young man."

"Yeah, but as a counterargument, Void Rays." I say as I go back to my table to disassemble the CTD.

 _Percy just shakes his head in resignation._

Hmm…ok, let's see.

The primary lens is burned out. Might be why the thing exploded. The sub-lens appear to be ok, though, so I just need to replace the main lens every time I want to furiously deny something it's right to exist.

…it can't be that easy, right?

 _We do a closer inspection of our CTD._

…yeah, I didn't think so.

 _The cardboard tube is slightly charred on the inside._

Huh. I don't actually know how it's possible to have too little power and too much at the same time. Maybe there's some balancing act I'm not aware of?

Uh…back to the drawing board, I guess.

 _"That boy's got a screw loose, I tell you." One of the seventh years mutter._

…

…

[Xmas]

…

…

Harry opens presents, finds Invisibility cloak, yay and happiness all around.

…

I also actually got presents, which was a major surprise.

 _We got a brand new quill from Quirrell, a book on anger management from McGonagall (a muggle one, no less), and a book on advanced charms from Flitwick…and a pair of warm, wooly socks from Dumbledore._

Best gift from Dumbledore? Best gift from Dumbledore.

No Weasley sweater though…the only Weasleys who would remote approve of our shenanigans would be the twins, and we haven't talked with them much.

…

I'm getting pity glances from Harry and Ron.

"What?" I shrug. "These are all pretty cool."

"I don't know…socks?" Ron's eyebrow has merged with his hair. "Sounds like a pretty crummy gift to me."

I laugh. "Ron, my friend, you've never had a really good pair of socks." I hold up the anger management book. "I'm really impressed about this one, though."

"Anger Management?" Harry summarizes the book's cover. "You're ten, mate." He points out.

I think I would be eleven now. "I know; I'm more impressed by the fact that McGonagall went out and found a muggle book."

 _We're touched by the amount of effort she put into the book._

"What's it for?" Ron asks both of us.

"She thinks I'm too violent, basically." I reply, and take the last book. "Now THIS is what I'm talking about…except I'm pretty sure I won't be able to make use of it yet."

"What about the last one?" Ron examines Quirrell's quill.

I don't care. "Oh, that." I brought a shitton of cheap ink pens (I wasn't sure if ballpoint pens were going to work). "Accidentally toss it into a fire or something."

"Wow, seriously?" Ron's incredulous. "A professor gave this to you."

I nod. "Given that it's from Quirrell, I'm worried it might be hexed with something."

Ron drops the quill like it was on fire.

"Well, that's that. Maybe I can find something useful in here." I pat the advanced charms book. "I'm going back to work. Have fun with your cloak."

"Why are you working on Christmas?" Ron demands. "Do you ever play?"

Uh… "I'm working because Void Rays."

I've used those two words as my justification for so long now that everybody has stopped caring.

"Right…right…c'mon Harry, let's go eat." Ron grumbles.

…

Advanced Charms is the second best thing since Transfiguration. Currently Charms is the best thing since my Transfig isn't too good yet.

That being said, I've worked out my plan of attack, especially since the CTD burned itself to the ground last week.

 _We ended up in the hospital wing with a burned arm._

That was a touch embarrassing. Anyways, we've…tentatively…figured it out. Initial tests have proven promising, especially considering the fact that I don't need to carry around a cardboard tube anymore.

First, we still need the prismatic lens from the RoR (Room of Requirement). They are somewhat sizable and hard to carry around.

 _In entirely unrelated news, we have acquired a utility belt._

Second, we create duplicate prisms (three of them; they die on use) via transfiguration…or make them beforehand and carry them around in a pouch. Either or.

Third, we levitate the entire mess with Leviosa.

Four, we fire off the Lumos Linea Maxima at the general airspace occupied by the duplicate prisms and then cross our fingers.

 _What's the spell?_

A variant of Lumos I found while "lost" in upper classmen areas of the library. It forces the light to fire in a cone instead of all around like normal.

 _You'd think with a name like that it would be a line._

Meh, details.

Anyways, the end result, depending on how long I can maintain two spells at once, is a beam of light strong enough to cut a hole in trees.

Said tree will then burst into flames immediately after, so clearing the scene of the crime is greatly recommended.

 _Good thing it was snowing, huh?_

Yeah…snow made getting away a bit hard, though.

…

In any case, Prismatic Beam achieved? Kinda?

…

I wish I had access to, say, a machine shop. It would solve so many of my problems right now.

 _Like?_

Uh…like…not having access to a machine shop. I haven't thought it through yet ok

…

[Even more Time Skip]

…

Year one is honestly not that interesting. Let's see…

Hagrid hatched Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback. The Hero Trio found out. Malfoy found out.

We knew beforehand, though Harry was nice enough to inform us.

They hatched the plan to escort Norbert away from the castle. To this day I'm not sure why they decided to go to the tallest building in the school from what could possibly be the worst position possible (outside of the dungeons) instead of, say, have Charlie and his crew just fly on over while skimming the treetops.

This time around, I convinced the trio plus Hagrid to just hand the dragon over to Dumbledore, and have Charlie pick it up from him.

"We'd be in so much trouble though." Harry points out…while we were serving detention for being out after hours…after delivering the dragon up to the Astronomy tower.

Well, the important thing is we tried to convince them, and that's all that matters.

 _Bonus: because I got involved Gryffindor lost 200 points instead of 150._

 _Second Bonus: Malfoy tried to jumpscare us and nearly got his head shot off. That cost me an additional 20._

On the plus side, I'm getting really good at drawing my wand at the drop of a hat.

"I'm pretty sure Dumbledore would understand Hagrid's love of odd pets." I point out.

Like the books, we're accompanying Hagrid into the forbidden forest.

Unlike the books, I have a Void Ray in my pocket…and we're going with Harry/Malfoy/Fang, since they were short a wand.

Malfoy's taking the lead with the lantern, muttering about not being scared.

I have nothing against the guy but I have such an overwhelming urge to just snipe him in the back right now and call it an accident.

 _How's that Anger Management book so far?_

I skimmed the first chapter and a half.

…

Malfoy stops cold.

Harry stops cold.

I stop cold.

…

 _We see a Unicorn corpse along with a disembodied robe bent over it._

I may have severely underestimated just how much presence that… _thing_ …has.

 _It has murdered a Unicorn and growls/roars/whatever at the other two boys, who are rooted to the spot._

Malfoy! Run you little shit!

 _Fang has already bolted._

God dammit.

"YO!" Maybe it's a perk of being mentally older, but I can still move just fine.

 _With our yell, we snap the two boys out of their shock while charging at the 'ghost'…with a stick we picked up from the ground._

The two kids are too close to the ghost asshat for a beam of light. So instead we're going to whup GhostDemort's ass like a true American.

 _The ghost roars at us, silvery unicorn blood dripping from its mouth._

We whip it with the stick. "Who you roarin' at, boy?!"

 _It should be noted that we are a skinny Chinese kid who normally speaks unaccented American English trying to use either a Southern American accent…or a Tough Black Guy accent. We're not entirely sure. Either way, it's probably not as terrifying as it could be._

The stick made contact, too, which was surprising.

 _The ghost roars again, but backs away from our stick._

You're not running from me. "The fuck you killin' horses for, huh?!" Whap. "The hell did they do to you?!" Whap. "What'chu snoopin' around the dark for?" Whap whap whap.

 _We ran out of taunts. Also, don't get complacent; it was able to kill a unicorn._

Yeah WAND

 _The ghost suddenly points a wand at us._

Step in and PUNCH GHOST IN FACE oh wow it worked

 _It reels in surprise as we grab its wand-arm and tear the wand from its ghost-hand…though I don't think we did any serious damage._

Flip wand around, pretend it's a knife, and SLASH INTO FACE

Wups I broke your wand in your face, sorry about that.

Also did not know you had a face to break things onto. Sorry about that.

 _We're not sorry_.

…the two boys are far behind us now.

 _The ghost lashes out with its arms, obviously in pain from having wood on its face._

I don't think any pieces actually embedded into its ghost face, but we back the hell away and draw our own wand at this point.

 _We toss the Prismatic lens into the air along with some of the smaller prism chips._

Eat shit and die, Not-Quirrell. "Lumos Linea Maxima!"

…

[3rd Person Camera]

…

Harry and Malfoy squint and cover their eyes from the massive blast of light that just suddenly erupted in front of them.

And then they heard maniacal laughing, which is usually considered to be a bad sign.

…

The blast of light lasted for thirty seconds, before finally petering out. Ash, the cause of said beam of light, exhaled in satisfaction before collapsing to his knees.

Harry rushes forward. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, yeah." Ash says tiredly. "I think I dug too deep, though." Using a nearby tree as a support, he brings himself up to his feet again. "What do you think?" He asks Harry and gestures to the blast site.

Harry follows Ash's hand to see a massive black gash on the ground. "You did that?"

Ash still had his back to the tree for support. "Yeah…do you see a cloak anywhere over there? Also if you can pick up that large lens for me, I'd appreciate it."

"How did you do that?" Malfoy demands of Ash. "I've never seen that kind of magic before."

"Research and Development." Ash coughs. "Wow, I really dug too deep. Shit."

…

[1st Person Camera]

…

We hear hooves. Someone's rushing towards us at a gallop.

Probably Firenze…deep breaths, deep breaths.

 _A Centaur gallops up to us and stops short when he sees the gash on the forest floor._

"Harry Potter." The Centaur who is definitely Firenze says in his measured tone. "It seems that your reputation is well deserved."

"Uh…thanks?" Harry…might not have understood what Firenze was implying. "Excuse me, but…who are you?"

…Malfoy chose _this_ moment to run away screaming.

 _Must've been Firenze's horse penis._

…

Anyways, Firenze and Harry do their exposition thing: Killing unicorns is evil, curses, blah blah blah…

"Come, I shall bring you through the forest." Firenze says to Harry at last.

…my woodwork isn't that good, is it? He sees me, right?

Harry gestures to me. "Uh…can you carry him instead? I think he needs it more than I do."

Firenze turns to look at me for the first time. "I…do not believe it would be in my best interest to do so. My apologies."

Gee, thanks.

"Don't worry about it, Harry; I can walk." I reassure him…still not really getting my breath back and my legs feel like jelly, though.

 _We get under way._

"I take it you are not a local." Firenze addresses us. "You do not speak as Harry Potter does."

…are there American Centaurs? "Yeah, I'm from overseas."

"Interesting…are they all blessed with your…curious disposition?"

…what the hell does he mean?

"Not sure." I shrug. "Then again, America's a large place, so it's definitely possible."

"Curious." Firenze notes.

I wonder if he realizes.

"It seems that I had made my previous assumption incorrectly, Harry Potter." Firenze apologizes.

Harry's still confused. "It's not a problem at all."

…

Oh look, Bane.

Also female centaurs with human breasts.

I can probably make some money selling custom-fit bras for these centaurs.

…how do baby Centaurs nurse, anyways?

 _Is that really what we're worried about right now?_

Right. Bane's nuts. No, not those nuts. Brain nuts…mind nuts.

 _Right now Bane's just dressing down Firenze for giving Harry a horseback ride._

Firenze is, at the very least, stubborn in his belief that keeping little children safe is a good idea.

…until Bane actually drew his bow. I don't remember this being in the books.

"For all we know, it could have been him attacking the Unicorns." Bane snarls.

…Oh. Ok. It's actually my fault this time.

 _Firenze did not actually engage the ghost and thus had no evidence of its involvement._

Time for us to jump in then. "I chased off a goddamn ghost with blood in its mouth, the hell did you think did it?"

Bane turns his bow (arrow notched but not drawn, thankfully) on us. "Watch your tongue, human."

"Fuck you too." I growl. "If you're gonna wax rhetoric on the sanctity of life, then at last do something about the Unicorns before showing up after the fact."

"He's an American." Firenze says as if it explains everything.

"That explains a lot." Bane notes…hey! "Child, you should learn to mind your manners when you speak to your superiors."

Fuck it. "When you hide behind the shield of history and act as if your forbearers give you free reign, then you are no better than us."

Bane blinks in surprise.

Also, I really need to work on my diplomacy if my first course of action seems to be "pick a fight" for every instance.

"You're more than you seem." Bane notes…in a tone that implies he's referring to something entirely differently than our current conversation. "Very well, human…in light of your… _victory_ …against that Ghost, we will let you two leave the forest alive."

"Thanks for that." I mutter…am I really still not catching my breath? It's been a good twenty minutes.

"Are you alright, Young Ash?" Firenze asks as he realizes I'm leaning against the tree harder.

"Just tired." I reply. "The spell I used cost more than I thought."

"After one spell? You're still just a brat after all." Bane sneers.

 _For the record: do not ever learn diplomacy from us. We learned it from Civilization._

"Yeah? Give it a shot." I take out my wand and prismatic lens. "I think I have enough in me for one more go."

Bane stares at us and just laughs.

…I think the only reason why he doesn't just kill us outright is because we're a scrawny little nerd trying to threaten him.

 _Eventually Bane had his fill laughing and left in a good mood. We collapsed and had to be carried by Hagrid to the hospital wing._

We were hospitalized for Exhaustion, which is probably the most fitting outcome.

Either way.

Void Rays.

.

.

.

{ === + === }

Author Notes: If you want me to respond to your review, then please log in so I can actually send a message. I'm not on the ball when it comes to doing the whole guest review business.


	3. Prismatic Alignment - Last

{ === + === }

…

[Following the Ghost Event]

…

Quirrell is a lot jumpier now. Which means…what? That he was the ghost?

 _That he was aware of it, at least. I can't imagine Quirrell having the power to turn into a semi-solid anything…or be given the power to turn into a semi-solid anything._

What was that thing, anyways? I know it was CancerMort, but still.

 _Maybe him living a 'half life' literally meant he was short a body._

Yeah, but…he was able to drink. Unless it's some more magical bullshit™ where he's not actually drinking it but absorbing it somehow.

 _That sounds like the type of lie you'd tell as a kid if you got caught with a girl (or a guy, depending)._

What a weird-ass lie that would be. In any event, Quirrell is now a lot more squirrelly, especially when we're around.

Unfortunately Quirrell is a theory-type teacher (that is, he rarely shows off with his wand) so I can't confirm if the one I destroyed happen to be his. Going up and just asking would be incredibly suspicious, even for me, and most of the older students I've talked to don't know either…but then again Quirrell was apparently always a theory-type, so him not waving his wand around is hardly unusual.

…

[Mirror of Erised]

…

I know Harry found it. He's oddly listless recently.

The amount of fucks I give is a number equal to zero, though, especially as I've made a fundamental breakthrough in spellwork:

A spell's power is dependent on three things: Intention, execution, and power…tion.

Power is pretty self-explanatory: stronger mages make stronger spells.

Execution is what we're here to learn: a spell has a 'proper' way to cast it, and flubbing the cast is a good way to fail the spell entirely.

Intention is the big one, and one that I missed…not because I didn't know it was a requirement, but because I didn't think it would be a requirement for all spells.

 _Note how intent is needed for the Unforgivables…it's true for all spells, but it's just stressed for the Unforgivables as they require such a serious mental commitment to even work properly._

This is important, hugely important, because so long as I fulfill the three categories, I'll be able to craft custom spells. Granted, just fulfilling the categories is only step one, but…

 _We'll be able to craft some more basic spell components though, in much the same way as being able to craft gears lets us do things with the gears but is in no way conducive to the production of a car._

To that end.

 _One day in the hallways…_

"What's that floating over your head, Ash?" Neville asks (the trio is off to the grounds).

He points to the small crystal circling slowly over my head.

"It's a prism core…or a prism bit. I'm not sure yet." I reply.

"What does it do?" Neville asks curiously.

 _We're on good terms due to a bartering system – Neville helps us with Herbology (which we like but do not have the time for) and we help him with Charms. We also help blast the people who mess with him into proverbial smithereens (and teach Neville to do the same…though with questionable success)._

Neville's a softie. It would be more endearing if he wasn't such a bully magnet…anyways!

"It…uh…does this." It would be easier just to show him. Let's see…

 _We focus and channel our power into the prism, and it orients itself at the fireplace._

It then discharges three pulses of light in quick succession into the fire.

"It's an attacking spell?" Neville notes. "Are you alright?" He asks once he realizes we're panting a bit.

I nod. "Yeah; I'm still not used to moving it."

 _The creation of the prism bit landed us in the hospital on five different occasions, all due to exhaustion._

And even after all that I still can't move the prism as I want. I can only get it to circle and aim, and fire, and that's it. It's annoying. The discharge is pretty weak to boot.

"That's pretty cool." Neville says. "I wish I had your talent, Ash."

That got us to laugh. "How long do I spend working, Neville? There's no talent here, just a lot of failing until we get it right."

"Y-yeah." Neville's heard that from us a lot of times.

"Besides, you're doing pretty well yourself." I taught him to use Lumos Maxima as a flashbang. He has been using it a lot.

"Only because of the spells you use." Neville smiles sheepishly.

…

…which brings up the secondary problem with using custom spells that I haven't tackled yet, and that is, quite simply, the prestige.

It's pretty much a given at this point among the Hogwarts student and staff that if a section of the castle suddenly experiences a sharp change on illumination, we're involved somehow.

 _I think Fred and George have made some amount of money selling smuggled muggle sunglasses._

Inside Hogwarts, the fact that I'm pretty much a sun in little child form is quaint. I get exaggerated responses but most people recognize that I'm harmless, if mildly insane.

 _Exceptions include people who have seen us use the Prismatic Beam._

Give us a few years, some more spells, and some action outside of Hogwarts, and we'll pretty much be asking to get stabbed in the back by an enterprising Death Eater.

That's something I need to be aware of for the future, I guess.

…

About the only interesting for the Mirror for us is that Harry made a point to hide the fact that he found a mirror that shows 'innermost desire' from us…it says a lot about Harry's ability to recognize danger, actually.

 _Fun fact: We've skipped going to dinner every other day, instead opting to have the House-Elves deliver food to us instead._

I feel like Dumbledore might take issue with that, but eh, if he does he does…I need every spare minute I can get right now.

For now, I've made two lesser spells to add to our repertoire.

Spell One – The Prism Bits. As their name suggests, they're miniature prisms that I move around. What separates them from the prismatic lens (the smaller parts of the Prismatic Beam spell) is the fact that they're designed to both a. carry weight, and b. redirect the beam's flight path.

I wanted to make them attack as well, but it's not working out, so I might as well just scrap that part.

Spell Two – Wind of Sleep. We combine potions with charms to create the fastest way to knock some poor sap out. While I can adjust the intensity of the spell, it's designed as a specific counter to Fluffy if things go south.

 _We're lying a little bit: the spell's actually a mix of charms and transfiguration, and uses primarily knowledge of chemistry rather than straight up potions._

We do end up needing to carry potion ingredients that we can break down for the spell to work though, so it's potions/charms.

…

…

…

[Book 1 Endgame]

…

Dumbledore has left!

Snape is evil!

 _Much as we tried to dissuade the trio of the Snape business…he just loved black too much in the end._

McGonagall disbelieves of our disbelief of their defenses!

Quirrell is nowhere to be seen!

 _At least we won't be blindsided this time._

Flitwick doesn't play a part in this section of the narrative!

I have perfected my Prism bits! Or as much as an eleven year old can.

We're still sneaking out during the night, though.

…and as expected, Neville was there waiting to stop us.

…

Blah blah blah, House Points, blah blah blah, we're saving the world…

Yadda yadda yadda, power of friendship…

 _We're skipping over their dialogue because we really don't remember. It's been decades since we've read Book One. This is, after all, an incredibly egocentric story._

…

"Neville, I'm really really sorry about this." Hermione pre-emptively apologizes and then pulls her wand. "Petri-"

"-ficus Totalus." Neville gets his spell off before she does. He misses, but it's enough to shock Hermione, and she doesn't finish her cast.

This is impressive because he pulled his wand _after_ she apologized. I know he's standing against us right now but I'm just so happy.

"I mean it, I'll fight you." Neville repeats, his wand shaking.

I've been staying out of the conversation up until now, so now's a good time to jump in.

"Nev." I step forward. "I know how you feel."

…wait a second.

 _All hands! About face!_

"Why don't we let him come with us?" I ask Harry.

"What?" Ron and Neville say together. "Why him?" Ron demands.

Because he's more useful than you…but I can't say that. "He just out-spelled Hermione. I think he deserves to come along."

"I don't want to go along; you're going to get us all in trouble!" Neville complains…quite rightly.

…I just realized that if Harry just stayed in bed for the endgame of book one nothing bad would've happened. Shit.

 _Not necessarily. It might've just postponed the finding of the stone until later._

And the more we go off the rails in terms of the storyline, the less I'll be able to pre-empt the threats, huh…

I nod. "Yeah…but right now we're facing something more dangerous than just house points. Look, Nev, either you stay out of this or you come with us. Every second we spend talking is one where bad things will happen. I know you want to protect the honor of the house, and I respect that, which is why if you do intend to fight us, I will drop you."

Neville thinks on it for a few seconds. "Ok, I'm going with you."

 _Whew._

"I don't think the cloak will be big enough to cover all of us." Harry mutters.

"It's fine." I ready my wand. "Not the first time I'm out after hours."

"Why am I not surprised?" Ron sighs, and we get underway.

…

We make it to the forbidden corridor unhindered, but probably far from undetected, and soon stop at the threshold of Fluffy's doorstep.

 _The four of them squeezed under the cloak, and we just strutted about like we owned the damn place._

"What are we going to do about Fluffy?" I ask the trio.

"Who's Fluffy?" Neville asks.

"I brought this." Harry pulls a flute from his cloak. "Hagrid said he'll go to sleep with a little music."

"Who's Fluffy?" Neville asks again.

"A Cerberus." I answer. "Now c'mon, time's a wastin'."

We open the door and…yep, that's Fluffy. Three heads, three necks…three drools, one big.

 _Big is now a noun of measurement._

We're missing the harp from the movie though.

 _Harry starts playing on the flute._

I feel like the flute is enchanted, since Harry is not fucking it up like an amateur should.

 _Just because we're bad at music…_

Yeah, yeah…anyways, Fluffy goes to bed.

I take charge. "Let's go."

Ron opposes my charge. "Do you even know where we're going?"

Hermione steals the charge. "There's a trap door at his foot, now come on."

…

Wow, this sucks.

 _One of Fluffy's heads is on the trap door._

"Now what?" Ron asks blankly.

I retake charge! Yeah! "Now? The three of you Wingardium its head away from the trap door while I prepare a plan B if that fails."

"R-right." Ron whips out his wand, and along with Hermione and Neville gently magic Fluffy's middle head from the trapdoor.

Predictably, Fluffy's not happy about having his head lifted by unknown forces, and begins to stir despite the power of Harry's music.

"Uh…Ash? Your Plan B?" Ron asks uncertainly as Fluffy wakes up and backs away in instinct from the little children suddenly in front of it. The dog quickly regains his composure though, and growls threateningly at us.

"Yeah, cover your noses." I feel a little bad for stealing spell names, but eh. "Wind of Sleep, Nebula Hypnotica."

 _Current record: two thefts in one spell name._

Through a combination of transfiguration and potion knowledge, we fire a torrential mix of chloroform and pure alcohol into Fluffy's nose area. So it's less 'wind of sleeping' and more 'nighty night, fucker'.

I'm honestly not quite sure about the moral and ethical ramifications of drugging the hell out of Fluffy the Cerberus, but I'm fairly certain the punishments associated are far less than, say, if I shot his head off with a Prismatic Beam. It's also less tiring.

"What. Was. That." Hermione demands as Fluffy conks out (and hits the ground with a bit of a thud).

I wave her off. "Later; I'm not sure how strong the dose is against that size, now move it."

 _We hop down into the trapdoor hole._

I'M SUDDENLY VERY GLAD I KNOW THERE'S SOMETHING AT THE BOTTOM OF THIIIIIS

 _Poof._

We land on vines without breaking our legs.

…Won't the others land on top of us?

 _They don't._

Proof that this place is a spatial distortion rather than a pure construct, I suppose.

"Lucky this plant thing is here." Ron notes, patting the vine.

"It's a Devil's Snare!" Neville shouts excitedly. Ah fuck.

"It's a what?" Harry repeats, alarmed.

 _Can we blame him?_

"It's a plant that reacts to contact and strangles everything it touches." Neville says excitedly. "It's really cool!"

…I don't think he fully understands the situation.

 _The Devil's Snare begins to move._

"Whoa!" Harry tries to scramble away from the plant he's sitting on to no avail.

"Incendio." I mutter and shoot one of the vines with a small ball of fire. I need to keep my wand clear.

Neville, on the other hand, goes nuts. "Lumos Maxima!"

With the tossing of the Neville Flashbang, the vines retreat (screeching) and drop us onto the floor below it.

"Good thinking, Neville." I clap him on the back once we're on our feet again.

"They fear the sun and fire." Neville's grin is huge...then fades. "I hope the plant is alright." He glances up worriedly.

"It'll be fine…Sprout knows what she's doing." I reassure him. "Let's move on."

…

Room two!

The room of flying keys.

"It's all you, mate." Ron says to Harry when they figure out what's going on.

…

Hermione grills us on the ins and outs of the Wind of Sleep, and is appropriately shocked when she realizes that we just caused Fluffly to overdose, instead of, y'know, magically putting it to sleep.

…

Harry plucks the right key from the air after a few minutes of effort, and we move on.

 _The other keys didn't even try to kill us. It's great._

…

Room Three!

The giant chessboard.

…The chessboard covers the entire floor and is thus impossible to bypass via the magical art of walking around it.

 _We could just blast our way past and move on._

Eh…that'll make me useless for the final battle, which…is honestly far from a death sentence, depending on how the potion thing works, but is certainly less than desirable.

I pat Ron's shoulder. "Ron, you're the better player."

"Good of you to say so." Ron smirks slightly. "Watch me win this."

 _We played a few matches through the year. We're not very good._

…

Ron, impressively, managed to win the chess game without sacking any of us.

 _Me and Neville were rooks, Hermy was the Queen, Ron and Harry were knights._

He lost pretty much everything else though. I think it was a closer game than the one depicted in the books.

 _We know next to nothing about chess._

"Whew. That was hard." Ron grumbles as we pass through the threshold. "Took us a while, too."

"Look on the bright side. Whoever's after the stone will have to pass through here again." I…did I seriously _just_ realize that? "We'll be ready when it comes."

…

Room Four!

Quirrell's troll…I had forgotten this was an obstacle.

It's…actually alive and well, wow. It's probably the same troll, too.

"Mine." I step up. "Yo!"

 _The Troll hears our voice, turns to see us, and roars savagely._

Oh look at our shiny new win button! "Yeah, yeah. Wind of Sleep, Nebula Hypnotica."

The Troll's head jerks back like he was just hit by a hammer made of drugs and collapses onto the floor, snoring loudly.

"That is wicked." Ron comments…then looks over to us. "Are you alright?"

I'm panting again. "A little tired, but good to go."

We leave the Troll dreaming.

…

Room Five!

Snape's potion class.

 _While Hermione and Neville ponder the puzzle and tries to figure out which is the real potion, Ron and I go to examine the fire that blocks our way._

…ooh, this is actually pretty cool.

The fire is solid.

I imagine it will be less solid when you drink the potion that lets you go through it.

Snape's pretty badass if he could freeze fire.

 _We punch the fire._

So we have learned that fire is hot

Fuck

Ow

 _Ron shakes his head. "You're a bloody idiot sometimes."_

…

"I think I figured it out." Hermione says. "It's this bottle." She holds up the smallest one on the table. "There's only enough for one person, though."

"Got any more bright ideas?" Ron asks us…by which I mean me specifically.

I nod. "One. Harry, you take the potion, go through and do your thing…Ron, Hermione, and Neville will take cover in this room. Stay out of sight of the door after I borrow you."

"Shouldn't be hard." Ron looks around and sees a lot of rubble strewn about the room. "What's this about borrowing?"

I grin. "You'll see in a second…Harry, go first."

...

[3rd Person Camera]

…

Harry bids farewell to his friends (and one weirdo) and downs his potion. With its icy contents coursing through his veins, he crosses the threshold and follows the short hallway down to the final room.

He blinks in surprise upon seeing the Mirror of Erised in the middle of the room, with…

"So it was you all along." Harry breathes.

"You don't sound surprised." Quirrell smirks, turning around to face Harry. "Did that boy tell you I was responsible?"

"He…why are you doing this?" Harry asks.

"Why?" Quirrell laughs. "Because it is my DESTINY! I shall succeed in my task here…regardless of your interference or your friend's egomania."

Harry wasn't quite sure what's going on at this point.

"Pah. If it wasn't for him, I would've killed you during your Quidditch match and that would've been the end of it." Quirrell continues to seethe. "But that boy just had to have such impeccable timing."

"That was you?" Harry thinks back to the investigation done to the Nimbus and feels somewhat sorry for the company.

But Quirrell was already returning to his task. "The stone is obviously trapped within some enchantment." He mutters. "It's certainly trapped within the mirror. How do I get it out?"

Harry was trying to figure out the same thing, when suddenly

 _Use the boy._

Harry looked around for the source of the voice.

Quirrell had apparently heard it as well, as he suddenly strong-arms Harry to the front of the mirror. "Tell me, what do you see?"

Harry, despite himself, looks into the mirror…and sees the mirror version of himself place the stone into his pant pocket with a furtive wink.

Harry then felt his pocket bulge, and understood immediately that it was the stone in his pocket.

 _Were he a little older he would've been worried about oddly shaped boners._

"What do you see?!" Quirrell demands.

"I…I see myself winning the House Cup." Harry lies badly.

Quirrell didn't buy it, but before he could press further, there was the sound of an explosion sounding far off.

The two of them turn to the entrance of the room, and see…

"Yo. Did I miss anything?" Ash says lightly.

"How did you break past Severus's trap?" Quirrell asks despite himself.

"Funny thing about enchantments…they stop working if the base object is destroyed." Ash smirks. "Nothing a Void Ray can't fix."

Quirrell has also heard those two words thrown around enough to be sick of it. "Of course, of course." He says tiredly.

 _Potter has the stone!_

Quirrell and Harry both flinch, but Ash didn't seem to hear it…though he could guess based on how the two stared at each other a moment later.

Harry, having basic self-preservation instincts trained by being around the powder keg that is Ash, scrambled away from Quirrell with all the agility of a caffeinated squirrel stuck on an icy treadmill.

 _That is to say, very quickly but not very efficiently._

Quirrell then seems to conduct a conversation with himself, muttering about not being strong enough, before turning away from the two boys…and began to unwrap his turban.

"…wow, you weren't kidding." Harry mutters to Ash as a second face distends from the back of Quirrell's head.

"Harry…Potter…" The second face says with a vague hiss in its voice.

"Voldemort." Harry breathes.

Ash isn't too impressed. "Yo. What are you doing being Quirrell's wingman?"

Voldemort ignored him. "At last…we meet." He says to Harry. "Tell me…Harry…would you like to see your mother and father again?"

Harry freezes.

Ash sticks his wand free hand into a side pocket on his belt.

Voldemort didn't seem to notice. "With the power of the stone, we can revive the dead…make amends…"

Ash froze. _He can swallow his pride and lie? Shit._

"You lie." Harry retorts coldly. "You're nothing but a liar!"

"Kill him!" Voldemort demands, and Quirrell turns to lunge and Harry. "Kill the other first!"

Quirrell pulls his wand in a smooth motion, before feeling his arm knocked away by something small and fast.

"Too slow, asshole." Ash smirks and tosses his Prismatic Core into the air, before creating two more small Prismatic Bits and a flurry of lens. "Let's see you dodge this…Harry! Go!"

Harry, of course, doesn't go quickly, and stay to watch as Quirrell advances towards Ash despite not having his wand ready.

"Lumos Linea!" Ash roars. Discharging a jet of light from his wand.

The light strikes the Prismatic core, concentrates into a small pulse, and accelerates towards Quirrell.

Quirrell blocks the blast with his robes. "Weak! Know your place, child!" He raises his wand and feels his arm knocked away again. This time he hears the sound of something shattering, and realizes that Ash had one less of those floating crystals circling around him.

"My place is above you, Voldemort." Ash snaps…then softens his tone. "I'm really sorry you have to get caught in this, Professor Quirrell."

Quirrell stops for a second…long enough for Ash to create a second Prismatic Bit and send it behind him.

"Say cheese." Ash grins and puts on a pair of sunglasses from Fred and George. "Solem Maxima!"

A blast of light, far brighter and hotter than Harry has ever seen Ash use, reached for the Prismatic Core hovering before the boy, concentrated itself into a beam, and struck the first Prismatic Bit.

The beam then changed direction to blow past Quirrell and strike the second Bit, allowing the Beam to sit itself directly on Quirrell's back.

Harry squeezed his eyes shut and covered his ears against Quirrell's agonized screaming, but could still feel the power of the light burning through his eyelids.

…

Thirty seconds later, the spell dissipated. Ash dropped to his knees along with his Prismatic Core, which fell to the floor and shattered.

"Impressive…most impressive." Voldemort hisses. "Your talent is most impressive."

"Shit, you're still standing?" Ash pants. "As expected of a Dark Lord…gah." He spits up blood.

"It takes more than a half-hearted spell from a mere child to kill _me_." Voldemort spat.

"Burned your wand, though." Ash tries to grin…with little success.

"Yes…you have." Quirrell, now close enough to reach the boy, kicks him in the stomach.

"No!" Harry roars and charges at Quirrell, who was not expecting to be blindsided, and tackles him.

Harry, unfortunately, was not the heaviest of children, and thus the charge was only less than effective, allowing Quirrell to grab onto him instead.

"Fool." Quirrell sneers…then quickly released Harry as if burned, and everyone in attendance watched in amazement as Quirrell's hand turned to stone and fell off.

"What is this magic?!" Quirrell demands/screams/cries.

"Just get me the stone!" Voldemort commands.

Quirrell, despite missing a hand, lunges for Harry again.

Harry, in response, invades Quirrell's personal comfort bubble and puts his little hands on Quirrell's face.

Quirrell's entire body then succumbs to whatever magic Harry had, and leaves behind just its robes crumpled in a heap.

Harry spares the robes a glance before rushing to Ash. "Are you alright?" He asks worriedly.

"Dug too greedily and too deep." Ash replies, wiping off the blood on the corner of his mouth. "Nothing some rest can't handle…more importantly, keep your eyes on the robes."

Harry does so, and notices something like smoke rising from the robes…before coagulating into something resembling a person's face. That something then rushes towards him.

Fortunately, having to put up with Ash's bullshit™ for a year has given Harry the good instincts to dive out of the way.

 _Ash himself got out of the line of fire as soon as he realized he was behind Harry._

"What…was that?" Harry asks as the Ghost thing escapes the room. "Voldemort?"

"Ghostdemort now." Ash coughs. "I might need a little help getting out of here, Harry."

"Right. Ok." Harry goes over and helps him up. "You were right about Quirrell." He adds.

"Yeah…kinda hoped I wasn't." Ash sighs. "Can't help but feel sorry for the guy, y'know? He was just a puppet."

…

The two return to the potion room, where they meet up with the other three kids (who all saw the ghost thing speed past them), and proceed to backtrack out of here.

Then they realize that the troll was now awake and barring their way back.

Ghostdemort, lacking a physical body, had no such issue.

"I guess we're waiting for a rescue." Hermione sighs. "That was You Know Who, wasn't it? That thing back there?"

Harry just nods.

"Gave me the creeps just looking at it. It wasn't human…was it?" Neville's voice was shaking.

"It used to be, I think." Ash answers tiredly. "It's dead as doornails now…or something."

"It moved, so it wasn't really dead." Ron points out rightly.

"True that…" Ash yawns. "…ok, I'm dead tired and I'm gonna sleep."

"Right here?" Neville looks around in slight disgust.

"That's not a bad idea, actually." Harry agrees, yawning along with him. "It's not like the Troll's going anywhere."

"Are you two serious?" Ron demands.

Harry's had a life of hardship, and thus doesn't really mind.

Ash is just too tired to care.

…

…

…

I'm awake!

Where am I?

Mysterious Old Man who is probably Dumbledore sitting by the bed I am occupying, hello!

"You are in the hospital wing, young Ash, rest assured." Dumbledore…er, reassures me.

Mouth working? Mouth working. Ok. "How long have I been out?"

"Two days, young Ash." Dumbledore replies. "I must admit, I was surprised to find you and your friends asleep in the Forbidden dungeon!"

"Yeah…exhaustion is quite a pain, headmaster." I stretch. "What happened afterwards?"

"Well, for starters, I imagine you will be quite pleased to hear of the removal of the mirror of Erised." Dumbledore said. "Your friends are also safe and sound, and have returned to their classes normally." He then bows his head. "I must apologize for being unable to assist you for the…incident."

He then winks at me and continues on a much more furtive tone. "And I offer you my thanks for watching over the kids."

…He knows, then? Still, no point laying my hand on the table. "I'm not that much older than they are, Headmaster."

He chuckles. "If it assuages your fears, I have cast a charm over us. We will not be overheard, I can assure you…and, if it gains you trust…I am certainly aware that you are twice their age…and a little more."

Well, shit, I guess.

"Since that's the case, then please forgive me for not wanting my mind read." I say…we're not looking at him in the eyes.

"A reasonable caution." Dumbledore sounds like he's laughing.

"When did you realize?" I can't help but ask.

"When you first stat upon the sorting hat and could not resist rolling your eyes."

God dammit, seriously?

 _We grin and shake our head._

"So much for coasting on assumptions…well then, headmaster, where do you plan to go from here?"

Dumbledore folds his hands. "I was hoping to hear something similar from you, young Ash…I assume you have already made a quite extensive plan for defeating the Dark Lord."

"Tommy? Yeah, kinda."

He sounds like he's laughing again. "And is the first part of your plan…"

"To use increasingly innocuous nicknames to discredit his royal darkness? Yep." I smile evilly. "At least, as long as it doesn't damage his pride."

"Really? Do tell." He sounds genuinely curious.

Hmm…balancing act between 'End Early' and 'End Safely' here…

"Voldemort strikes me as the type of wizard who places his pride far above any real tactical or strategic consideration, unless he has no other options." The guy isn't stupid. Pretending as if he is will get us killed. "So as long as I can keep him from recognizing the threat I can pose to him, I can keep him from recognizing the danger a 250 pound bomb will pose to his head."

"Muggle weapons are not known to be effective on wizards, my boy." Dumbledore gently warns us.

I grin. "Yeah? I'd like to see him deceive the targeting radar of a cruise missile…no offense meant, Headmaster, but I feel like the Wizarding Community is severely underestimating the ingenuity of the muggle way of war."

I'm curious about what exactly can Voldemort do against a Harrier, besides just offing its pilot.

 _We'd like to have access to something more American like an A-10 or an Apache, but international laws should be considered…unless we were strong enough to cloak the Apache from view._

Does the 'hide thing from existence' spell work on mobile targets? Can I hide an Apache from plain sight if I was the only one who knew where it was?

…"More importantly, does the…what's the thing." I snap my fingers. "The spell used to safekeep the Potter household. Does that spell just hide a structure from vision, or does it get removed from the world entirely?"

"I'm not quite sure I understand." Dumbledore blinks slowly.

"Well…say…if I were to set the town that Lily and James lived in alight, would their house remain standing after everything around them burns to the ground, or will it be the only structure still standing, but invisible?"

"The Fidelius charm renders the target invisible, intangible, unplottable and soundproof…I imagine the house would stand until you become one of its secret-keepers." Dumbledore explains.

Hrm. That puts a…not unexpected, damper on things.

 _In other words, we can't just bomb the Malfoy Manor sometime in the seventh book and be done with it._

"And what would happen if I were to learn of a location independent of a secret-keeper?"

"I do not know. Such an event has never happened before." Dumbledore good-naturedly shrugs. "Time-travellers are a rare commodity, even to this old man."

I guess I should test it at some point?

…

I don't think I can install any items on top of a hidden landscape, since it will just get 'pushed' aside…

…

What if we strapped IEDs to the Death Eaters when they went inside those hidden positions? Would that work?

...

Well, depending on how things go, it'll be in our best interest to learn of the position of Malfoy Manor now, so we can nuke it from orbit later. Sorry Draco.

 _Does the targeting chips within a guided penetration bomb need to know where the Malfoy Manor is? Can it even know to begin with?_

"One last thing." I realize I'm being awfully demanding of him.

"Of course." Dumbledore looks like this is the most fun he's had in years.

 _He's an odd man._

"How much influence can the ministry of magic extend on other countries?"

"I assume you mean ours?" Dumbledore asks. We nod. "Only as much as other ministries allow them."

"Are the spheres of influence similar to the Muggle geopolitical borders? Are there treaties between ministries?" This is kind of important.

"Not that I'm aware of…Wizarding groups tend to shy away from each other until necessary, I'm afraid." Dumbledore says. "It's an unfortunate habit formed by our need for secrecy."

Huh. "And is it possible to get a waiver for casting magic outside of school? Or is it tied to my real age?"

"It is tied to your real age, young Ash, so have no fear." Dumbledore has the barest hint of a laugh.

Ok, good. Operation 'USA! USA!' is go. Now I just need to convince some airline agency that a child with a plane ticket is unusual, but far from dangerous.

 _These are the pre 9-11 days, we should be fine._

"I assume you intend to travel overseas for the summer?" Dumbledore inquires.

I nod. "Yep…it'll be easier to do research there. I'll be back for the next term, though."

…

…

In the end, Dumbledore was incredibly helpful (even producing a fake plane ticket for us) and didn't pry for information.

 _Is this because he already knew what Voldemort's weaknesses were, or was it because he tapped our head despite our best efforts to prevent it?_

Hopefully the latter, if anything happened at all.

According to him, everybody else was fine; they got some weird questions as they had shown up the next day dirty and (in Harry's case) a bit bloody.

We were in the hospital for 'exhaustion' and this has become so commonplace nobody bothered to ask why. On the plus side, our stay isn't nearly as extended as it would usually be.

 _Largely due to Pomfrey making a drink specifically for recovering from magical exhaustion just to get us out of her hospital faster._

Good deals all around.

…

[End of the Year]

…

Slytherin still has their faux!Victory (there was a Quidditch match that Harry needed to play in against Ravenclaw. He was somewhat injured and a bit tired at the time so didn't perform to expectations).

Dumbledore gave the trio plus Neville 160 points in total. At some point, Quirrell's disappearance was noted, and since someone (Ron) let it be known that I was involved, there was an immediate reaction called "Oh shit the American killed Quirrell!"

Which…uh…was actually pretty accurate, leading to the Headmaster himself needing to quell the rumors by stating that Quirrell had gone into the Forbidden Corridor to 'reassess its defenses', and we, being the good little Teacher's Pet, went after him out of curiosity.

The Trio plus Neville, being good, responsible Gryffindors, followed after me to keep my daredevil ass safe.

It's a cover story that fits quite well with the persona I've cultivated, so props to him. He then gave us five points for masterful spellcrafting, which put Gryffindor in the lead so yay and happiness and all that.

…

And then everyone went home.

The end.

 _Not gonna tell them about that?_

…

Oh yeah. that.

…

[That]

 _Which happened while we were about to board the train to leave Hogwarts._

…

"Fred, George."

The twins turn to see me. "Well, if it isn't the wunderkid." Fred grins. "What can we help you with today, young apprentice?"

I hold out a letter attached to a note. "Hold on to this."

"Uh…ok?" George takes it suspiciously. "It's not hexed, is it?"

Shake head. "Nah. Over the summer Ron's going to do something stupid and insane."

Fred blinks. "That's a surprise."

I nod. "Yeah. Read the note then and follow the instructions…it'll make your lives easier in the long run."

"Why can't I just open it now?" George says with the tone of someone who had just received a gift.

I grin. "Because it wouldn't be fun that way."

…

On one hand, I want Harry to have a good relationship with the Weasleys, and for them to (like the story proper) act as his surrogate family.

On the other, I want Harry to have an easier time at the Dursleys, without needing Harry to just move out.

So this is my compromise.

…Here's to hoping it works.

.

.

.

{ === + === }

Author Notes:

Fastest, most egocentric way of covering Book One ever?

I think so.

.

.

.

[Bonus: Sorting Hat]

 ** _Well now, aren't you the surprising one. First time I've met someone as old as you sitting here._**

Comes with the territory of being special. How does sorting work, anyways? I find it hard to believe that each person has exactly one defining characteristic.

 ** _They don't. I look for what a person values the most._**

Huh.

 ** _Slytherins look out for themselves, Ravenclaw are all about knowledge, Hufflepuffs help each other, and Gryffindors are, to use a term you are familiar with, Leeroys._**

WoW doesn't come out in a decade.

 ** _I'm using your brain._**

Huh. Ok.

 ** _Why does everyone choose to go into Gryffindor, anyways? To have only bravery and courage as your defining characters are hardly ideal._**

Uh…

 ** _All they can do is solve problems badly, I hardly see the draw, but noooo…_**

Yeah…so if you could just sort us into Gryffindor, that would be great.

 ** _Pah, you too?_**

Dude, you have no idea how hard it will be to make a narrative around people I don't know and an environment I've never seen.

 ** _You know you'd make a great Slytherin…or a Ravenclaw. Why not just be out and out evil or boringly bookish and be done with it?_**

That doesn't sound like you respecting their defining characterstics.

 ** _Meh. I'll live with the guilt._**

…this hat is weird. Out and out evil is boring, and I'm not hammy enough to do 'over the top' justice.

 ** _You're physically ten, just give it a few years._**

Plus, my color palette doesn't fit darkness too well. I'm more of a white-and-cyan person.

 ** _That makes you a Ravenclaw, my boy._**

Let's just pretend that heroism and bravery is my only asset.

 ** _Pah. No spines, any of you._**

"GRYIFFINDOR!"


	4. What If - Chamber of Secrets

{ === What If? === }

[Sometime During the Beginning of the 2nd Year]

"Hey Ginny."

She looks at us, hidden at our corner. "What?"

"Can you do me a favor? Check your belongings and see if there's a beat-up looking black notebook in there somewhere."

That request got us some weird glances from everyone in the common room.

"Uh…?" Ginny glances at Percy for help, who pretty much tells her (through a defeated shrug) to go do it for the poor crazy kid.

"How would you know what's in her luggage?" Ron demands from us.

I frown. "Call it a hunch."

…

Naturally, there was.

"I never had something like that." Percy mutters when Ginny voices her opinion that it could've been from her brothers. "I can't imagine the twins having something like this, either."

"Yeah…I'm not surprised." I nick it from the table. "Malfoy Senior slipped it into your stuff. Where's McGonagall?"

"She should be in her office." A seventh year replies.

"Wait, why would he do that?" Harry asks me.

"Vengeance is a dish best served stupid; you," I point to the seventh year. "Guide me."

…

We visit McGonagall's office, explain the origins of the notebook (or rather lie about having found the notebook on our travels), and get her to bring us to Albus Dumbledore.

We then make the case that this notebook is a Horcrux (and McGonagall nearly killed us on the spot for knowing about that branch of magic) belonging to a certain Tom Riddle, and should be destroyed immediately.

We lose 100 points for having an article of extreme dark arts in our procession, and gain 100 points for recovering an article of extreme dark arts. Ginny is not even implicated.

And thus ends the Chamber of Secrets.

{ === What If? === }

Author Notes: Obviously, this is not a canonical (for this story) scenario, as it doesn't involve nearly enough violence.

More what-if scenarios will probably pop up in the future, where we resolve issues in the most boring ways possible.

 _Also, as a side note: this story (among others) seems to be having trouble accepting reviews as of 1/5/16 (or 5/1/16, depending on your nationality). I don't know what's going on, but please check to see if your review makes it through if you leave one. I can see the e-mail notifications for it, but when I go to reply it is not there. It is incredibly infuriating._

 _Maybe I'm finally getting flagged, who knows._


	5. Chamber of Secrets - Prep

{ === + === }

[My Summer]

I flew to the States on Dumbledore's magic ticket.

It really is a magic ticket, too: it automatically changes its information to the flight I'm trying to board AND confuses the people looking at it so they think it's already checked in when it, y'know, is just a piece of paper.

Anyways, uh…I spent the months at public libraries and got some _really_ weird looks for the types of books I was trying to read. I got a lot of knowledge on human and horse anatomy.

The human anatomy is for the sake of making spells in the future that specifically target organs.

 _And why horses?_

I feel like trolling Riddle a little bit.

I also managed to gain access to a local shooting range and got them to teach me about guns, which I honestly know barely any of.

…not to say that I can do anything with it _now,_ of course, but it's a start.

 _How did we pay for our two month stay in the States?_

Uh…lying, cheating, and stealing? A lot of people lost twenty dollar bills over the two months.

For an eleven year old we are incredibly morally corrupt.

 _We've gotten accidentally involved with two gang fights._

I stole all their money afterwards and feel no guilt whatsoever…it was a good day.

…

Other than that, I streamlined the Wind Of Sleep a little bit (by default it left very detectable traces in the air of a spell being used) so now we just send a package directly into the target's nose and it cuts down on the spell cost.

I also learned how to turn a brick into a handgun.

It's…not as good as it sounds, largely because the gun itself is kinda useless if I don't have bullets, and I currently can't transfig material into bullets (can't get the primer to work right) so I'm stuck carrying around live ammo all the time if I want to make a gun.

Otherwise I'm better off just throwing the brick itself at the target.

Icing on the cake? Doing the transfiguration is draining enough that my aim suffers to the point where it's just easier to use wind of sleep instead.

But I know how to do it now, so that's certainly a plus.

What else, what else…

Oh! I also figured out how delayed spells work.

 _Like Portkeys._

I can't make Portkeys, for the record. Besides, a delayed spell is not like Portkeys, since Portkeys are activate upon touch, and delayed spells just have fuses.

So, first things first: delayed spells cost mana to maintain. This means that, due to my innate low (but improving!) magical power, delayed spells are a way for me to finish a fight _faster_. In contrary to pretty much everything that delayed spells stand for, I actually have LESS flexibility upon using them than otherwise.

 _We already predominantly use Wind of Sleep…plus delayed spells based on our sources_ are _used to finish fights faster._

With that out of the way, our first delayed spell is…Thunder Axe.

 _Of Negima fame._

By holding electrical charge within our (left hand) fingertips, we can release a charge of lightning strong enough to vandalize a steel streetlight.

 _Said Streetlight can't resist magic though, so it will probably be less effective on actual mages._

It also burns the fuck out of my hand when I'm holding it…so I've adapted to using a battery as the catalyst instead. The HP overreliance on wands is really hampering to magic use in any other combat situation besides a standoff.

Unless, y'know, your area of expertise happens to be transfiguration.

Lastly, the Prismatic beam has more power as I've gotten stronger learning these other spells. The remote controlled lens thing is cool but impractical, so I've scrapped the spell.

 _And lastly lastly, we've learned to transfigure dust into brass knuckles._

Because we're Muggles and Muggles fight like _men_.

 _Our brass knuckles have spikes on them._

And muggles cheat. It's no big deal.

…

[Storyline Summer]

…

At the Burrow…

"Fred, George, I've got a favor to ask."

The twins don't look too kindly upon their youngest brother intruding upon their conversation, but seeing as Ron was unusually wild-eyed, the two decided to let it slip.

"Anything for the youngest brother." Fred grins. "What do you need, Ron?"

"I need to get Harry Potter." Ron looks around to see if he was heard.

The fact that Ron was sending letters to Harry on a regular basis was not news, as he had all but announced it during the beginning of summer vacation.

Didn't stop George though. "You know Harry Potter?" He gasps theatrically.

Ron just looks at him like 'really?'

"Worth a shot." George shrugs.

"He's not returning your letters, right? You think something happened to him?" Fred frowns slightly.

"Yeah." Ron nods. "It's been all summer."

 _It's been a month, Ron._ George thought…but he did agree with Ron's thought process. It was highly unusual for Harry to have avoided contact with his friend, especially given what he's heard (via eavesdropping) from the Hogwarts Professors about Harry's upbringing.

"Alright, we'll see if we can do something about…" Fred's eyes happen to fall upon his father's car, the blue Ford Angela. "…that." Fred's face becomes covered by a mischievous grin.

George had the good grace to remember about the letter that Ash gave them one month previously, and figured that now would be a good time to dig it up. He had respected Ash's wishes to avoid opening it (despite his curiosity) as his intuition had told him that Ash would be a very good business partner in the future.

…

Later on, as George found the time to read the letter of instructions, he found himself both dumbstruck and a little weirded out.

"Read this." He handed the letter of instructions to Fred.

Fred scans it, then does a double take, and then reads it seriously a third time. "He can't be serious." Fred manages to say after the fourth read.

It reads as thus:

 _Fred, George, if either of you are reading this then it means that Ron has decided to rescue Harry by doing something rash._

 _Enclosed is a letter addressed to the Dursleys, who are the current legal guardians of Harry Potter. Make sure the two of you dress well according to the muggle standards as detailed at the bottom of this instructions page before presenting the letter to the Dursleys. Do not, under any circumstances, open the letter._

Fred looked at the letter: it was sealed with an important-looking wax stamp. On closer inspection it could be seen that the stamp is crude and obviously handmade. The stamp bore the letters 'USA' under an attempt at a bald eagle…a very bad attempt.

The letter continues:

 _I've also included a set of lines you should memorize for your operation._

 _If neither of you know how to behave like proper politicians, go watch Percy for a few days. Being able to act will be important for the message to make sense._

Fred stares at George in shock.

 _Feel free to randomly assign who says what for the next part._

"So…he knew that Ron will go help Harry—"

"And he knew that Ron will come to us for help—"

"And why wouldn't we? We're the best brothers anyone can ask for—"

"And he knew that father had a flying car—"

"Despite never having talked with father—"

"And he gave us this a month in advance."

The two looked at each other.

"Brother, we need him on our side for the future."

"Definitely."

…

[Fateful Day]

…

The Dursley household awoke to a strange sight one morning: a trio of red-haired boys dressed like men.

Fred, George, and Ron were all dressed in crisp, white button down shirts and long, black pants.

"This is excruciating." Fred grumbles.

It was summer, and it was a tad hot…and humid. The humidity was what was making the weather unbearable.

"Just grin and bear it." George chides his twin, takes a deep breath, and knocks on the Dursley family doorstep.

Per Ash's instructions, the two of them had stolen their father's blue Ford Angela and parked it along the side of the road as best as they could. Not having had driving lessons made that part hard, but they managed to make it look reasonable.

The three of them then put on the muggle sunglasses that Fred and George had left over from Ash's luminescent reign of mayhem before making their way to the Dursley doorstep.

"I don't like this place. Let's get him out of here as quick as we can." Ron mutters.

"Easy there, little brother." George reminds him. "All in good time."

Fred knocks on the door.

Vernon Dursley, never the one to be careless, opened the door a fraction and peeked out.

His first impression of the three kids was that 'one was very short, and they all looked very official.' His conscience, which fortunately did not sit very well at the thought of the unsightly bars on his windows, caused him to wrench his door open in order to receive these important-looking people.

It also helped that Fred and George were reasonably fit and were about as tall as Vernon.

"Vernon Dursley?" Fred asks in his best 'authority' voice.

"Y-y-yes?" Vernon was still a little starstruck.

Fred squares his shoulders. "We're here as representatives of the American Institute for Troubled Children. I understand from my contact at Saint Brutus's that you have a child in attendance under your care."

 _Within the bounds of this story, the school is an actual institution…in America. Vernon knew about this (the man's an asshole, not an idiot)._

Vernon, surprised that his manipulation of information would actually reach the school, was momentarily aghast.

"Is there a problem, sir?" George asks in a level tone.

"Uh-no, no. It's just…we weren't expecting a visitor at this hour!" Vernon laughs nervously. "Please! Come in! Come in!"

"That will not be necessary." Fred says calmly. "Judging by the bars on your windows, you seem to be having some trouble with your child."

"W-well…" Vernon's brain worked furiously and ended upon the action of wheedle. "We had to ensure that our poor nephew's well-being was the most important of our concerns…"

Fred felt like he shouldn't punch a grown man in the face. "Be that as it may, we at the institute would like to make our position clear on the matter." Instead, he handed over the letter Ash wrote.

Vernon took the letter, saw the wax stamp, and started sweating. He opened the letter with shaking hands and the Weasley twins inwardly sighed in relief.

The letter read as thus:

To the esteemed parents of Harry Potter,

 _It has come to our attention that the household where Harry Potter resides may not be the most conducive environment to his mental wellbeing. While we at Saint Brutus are in full understanding of the hardships sustained by the families of our less fortunate children, it nevertheless falls upon the family to establish a warm and welcoming environment for the sake of the child's continued growth._

 _Thus, it is with great reluctance that we demand for Harry's movement to a local adoptive family, to both help foster his continued growth and to reduce the undoubtedly high stress that rearing such a child has placed upon you._

 _As Harry Potter is a transfer student from overseas, please understand that your cooperation is vital to avoid any international complications that will arise should you opt to disagree._

 _Sincerely,_

 _The Department of International Relations,_

 _College of Saint Brutus_

Fortunately, Vernon was too terrified by the last line of the letter to think about the authenticity and any actual legal standing the letter was supposed to have.

"I hope you understand our current situation." Fred pokes Vernon further.

"Y-yes, of course, of course…" Vernon stammers, before excusing himself and rushing upstairs.

Fred and George exhale slowly. "That went better than I thought." George mutters.

"Yeah." Fred then realizes that they might be listened in on. "Here's to hoping that we can get Potter to leave without it making a mess."

…

In ten minutes, Vernon had Harry packed and ready to leave. Harry, on the other hand, was utterly confused at the current situation, especially as Vernon managed to leave out the name of the school coming for him in his rambling mutterings.

Harry did understand very quickly when he saw the two ginger boys dressed very sharply standing at his doorstep.

"Fred, George…what are you two doing here?" Harry couldn't help but utter.

 _While he didn't know them well, Ash's hijinks had let Ron introduce Harry to his two mischievous brothers earlier than usual. Something about 'making friends with the devil'._

"We're here for you, Harry." George said warmly, which creeped Harry out a little bit.

Ash's letter had also cued the brothers on the fact that Harry _was_ going to blow their cover if they acted as if they never met him, and thus they were to behave as if Harry was their favorite stupid student and be a little condescending if necessary.

Fred was advised to be the slightly sterner one. "I know how rough it must be for you travel overseas for school, Potter." He says stiffly. "You'll be happy to know that the rest of your summer will be spent in the company of a home closer to school."

Harry had no clue what's going on anymore. However, his years in the Dursley household taught him to just nod and agree when confused, lest there be beatings.

"Now come along, Harry." George says quickly, shooing Harry out of the house. "Not to worry, sir." He says with a grin to Vernon. "Harry will be home next year until his birthday; the new family won't be ready to take him until the beginning of August."

"Wonderful." Vernon says with a rather convincing faked smile.

…

[In the car]

…

"I can't believe that worked." Fred laughs as he drives away from the Vernon household to a secluded cul-de-sac, and then takes the car into the air.

"We need to make friends with that Ash person." George agrees. "Imagine all the doors he'll open for us!"

Ron shakes his head. "He's more likely to blow you up instead. He's mental, George."

Harry doesn't seem to care about the discussion, instead far more interested in the fact that the car is flying. Well, he's more terrified about the fact that the car is flying, but eh.

"We'll need to thank Perce when we get back." Fred notes. "His pompousness really helped us out here."

…

…

[End of Summer]

…

…

Aaand we're back in Britain! It seemed kind of dumb for me to put off my flight until the absolute last day, so we're here a few days early.

Plus I need to visit Diagon Alley for supplies.

 _Do we have money?_

I've gotten disturbingly good at larceny over the past two months, we're fine.

 _Do we have wizard money?_

…I've gotten disturbingly good at larceny over the past two months. We're fine.

…

I don't remember what time the storyline trip to the shop is, so instead we rent a room at the Leaky Cauldron for a few days.

During this time we luckily managed to establish a contact within a local muggle news agency. We've made a deal where every so often I'll send an owl with muggle money and he'll send a copy of the news in return.

The greatest danger I can have is to be utterly unaware of what happens in the normal world, so…let's rectify that for the future…well, that, and I need to be aware of the unintended consequences of my actions, because they will happen.

Hell, they have happened. Due to the fact that we caused the internal investigation into Nimbus, their rollout date for the Nimbus 2001 was delayed. I don't know if we're going to see Malfoy get onto the team via daddy money as a result. It's not an important change, but it's a change nonetheless.

Also we caused Harry to walk out of his house rather than a jailbreak, but that was an intended consequence of our actions…also I see Lockhart.

…

Looks like he's going to the… B and B. I don't remember the name of the place.

Let's follow him, because we're a responsible small child.

 _With a now extensive history of lying, cheating, and stealing._

Eh. We're the main character, so it's obviously fine.

 _Harry's the main character, we're the NPC._

Well, in that case, nobody cares what an NPC does behind the scenes.

…

…

Let's see…

Oh, we're actually early. Lockhart's doing his book signing thing and the Malfoys just went into B and B.

…

Can I take the journal now? It would probably be easier than trying to convince Ginny of getting rid of the book later.

 _Ginny will get rid of the book later though._

…true...

But I feel like that would be relying on Voldemort to do nothing overtly evil for the first two months, which, due to the butterfly effect of me existing, seems a touch unlikely.

…then again I can just wait until he sneaks it into Ginny's things before 'noticing' that he did it.

…yeah, I'll do that. It makes more sense than trying to convince Lucius that I'm simultaneously on his side and not dangerous…being under the right radars is a good idea.

I don't think I'm actually going to be able to sneak into his things, though. The man's got a very good grasp on his surroundings.

…

Oh, the Weasleys have arrived.

…

[Malfoy vs Weasley]

…

Lucius Malfoy wants to battle!

Lucius Malfoy descends down a staircase!

The Weasleys are ready to counterattack!

Lucius Malfoy uses 'Insult Bloodline!'

Arthur Weasley is angry! Arthur Weasley uses…uh…'Insult morality!'

Lucius uses 'Insult Company!' it is somewhat effective!

I don't quite remember if this is how it went down in the book.

Draco gets involved badly!

Hermione gets involved kinda! We're not sure why.

 _How are we listening in to this?_

School robes, large book, and staying out of their line of sight.

For the record, we're close enough to observe visually what's going on, but due to the gaggle of people and their muttering we can't actually hear what's being said. Maybe I should move closer.

 _Yeah, we can't see Lucius do his drop here either._

…Let's get closer then. After fighting through this gaggle of Lockhart fangirls and fanboys.

…

Malfoy Junior almost _, almost_ tossed out the world mudblood in a room crowded with people. Fortunately, his father did hear about this and stopped the little idiot before he could kill his family.

 _Assuming if anyone would actually attack the Malfoys._

Anyways, Molly Weasley jumps in and stops the men from actually devolving into fisticuffs…which is unfortunate, because I'm pretty Father Weasley could kick Father Malfoy's ass.

But eventually the two parties disperse…and Lockhart is left going back into his wait he saw me

Shit

"Ah ha! A young studious reader, hmm?" Lockhart is all grins. "I see you have a penchant for selecting the best books."

Wait what?

 _We're holding one of Lockhart's books for decoy._

God dammit.

"I like this book." I say innocently. "It's weird."

Lockhart just winks. "One of my many charms, my boy."

…I know this guy's just a harmless peacock (and is probably aware of his persona and plays into it), but my god do I want to cave his face in. Must be all the Dumbass Poser alarms he's setting off.

"For such a studious student, I'd be perfectly willing to provide an auto—"

Oh hey he's not surrounded by fanboys.

"I don't give a fuck." I cut him off. "Later."

He's too surprised by the suddenly very foul-mouthed child to comment and we make our escape.

…

Unfortunately I lose track of the Weasleys and my goal of obtaining the Riddle Journal ends in failure.

Welp, I guess that means we're waiting until the school officially starts to get it.

 _What do we do about Dobby?_

Leave him alone, I guess? I'll arrive earlier and I'll just pray for them or something. If everything plays out as it does in the book, we need the car to go AWOL in the forest during Aragog or they'll get eaten by giant spiders and its game over.

 _We're not going with them?_

Not if we can help it. Fuck spiders, and fuck spiders large enough to eat people.

 _Ron's braver than us in that respect: dude actually has arachnophobia and went with Harry anyways._

I kind of have to wonder though. What kind of magical abominations towards all things good and holy would Australia have if their current, non-magical wildlife is utterly deadly?

…which is a good reminder: what spells do we need for this year?

 _Spell to function while blind, spell to detect reptiles, spell to kill the fuck out of spiders…the rest are just carrots._

…

It's not too late to go buy some muggle books on arachnids and reptiles, is it?

…and also maybe a book on chemistry…I wonder if I can transfigure alkaline metals out of dust? Maybe turn the Basilisk's stomach lining into an alkali metal or something.

 _Like Francium, theoretically the most explodey of the explodey metals. That said, a Basilisk as old as the one inside the chamber would probably be magic resistant._

Hm. I should probably do some more research before seriously heading down a resistance path.

 _Also, beware of Ginny if she starts approaching us for no good reason._

Noted.

.

.

.

{ === + === }

Author Notes:

Yay for review issue being resolved.

Ash's current spells (not including spells that the HP universe naturally uses):  
 **Prismatic Beam** – Deals light/heat damage in a straight line. Inflicts Blind. Requires a Prism and a free hand.  
 **Wind of Sleep** – Inflicts target with sleep. May also inflict death. Requires a bottle of chlorine and/or alcohol.  
 **Thunder Axe** – Deals electric/physical damage to single target. Inflicts Blind, Paralysis. Requires a battery.  
 **Transfigure things into** – Bladed Brass Knuckles, Flying Knives.

Addendum:

The name of the bookstore that the Malfoy versus Weasley showdown happens in is actually Flourish and Blotts, so it would have been abbreviated as FaB instead of B and B.


	6. Chamber of Secrets - Up To Dueling Club

{ === + === }

…

[Hogwarts Express and Sorting Day]

Nothing special happened.

Well, apart from the fact that Harry and Ron were no-shows, but we know why, so it's not special.

…

On the upside, we got to see Collin the…he was the camera dude, right?

We got to see him and Luna get sorted, which is good.

Also Ginny.

Based on observation she didn't look abnormal, but given that I don't have experience with how she behaves normally I don't have much in terms of a reference point. At least her family seems to be ok with how she is…on the other hand, they seem to be quite worried about Ron not being in attendance, so they may not be aware of any unusual behavior that Ginny exhibits.

"How was your trip?"

What?

 _Hermione is trying to be friendly._

Er…

 _Socializing. Small-talk. Normal people stuff._

Oh! Oh right. Right.

"Educational." if I do say so myself. "I got a lot done over the summer."

 _Hermione looked both suspicious and terrified at the thought of us getting stuff done._

"Like…what?" She asks apprehensively.

She's learning so fast.

"Like things." I grin. "Don't worry your pretty little head over it, alright?"

Her eyebrow went up. "You sound like my dad sometimes."

Erm…wups? "I didn't realize you paid that much attention."

She's young enough to be unfazed by the implications.

…

To summarize, Lockhart's the new DADA teacher, and otherwise nothing of importance is going on. Come to think of it, were it not for the Chamber of Secrets year two would be the most normal year.

 _If it were not for the strange bullshit that happens every year year two would be the least normal: Dumbledore hired a celebrity to be a teacher._

…

"Hey, Ash." Fred gets my attention as the first day winds down. "Where did Harry and Ron go?"

 _We frown at him._ "How am I supposed to know something like that?"

To be fair, apart from "they flew here in a car" I don't actually know what's going on.

"They're your friends, right?" George pesters. "You're awfully calm for someone whose friends are in danger."

"They're in danger?" I try to shoot him my sharpest glance. "What do you mean, danger?"

Fred deflates. "So you really don't know?" He glances around for eavesdroppers and leans in. "Off the record, I'm a little worried."

"I'm sure they're fine." I shrug. "What can possibly" wait shit "go wrong?"

…

Despite me trying to jinx it, the two were fine and regaled everyone on the story of how they reached Hogwarts in a flying car back in the common room.

Yay.

…

 _Howler?_

I nuked it with a Prismatic beam. I also burned the table.

…

[The Weeks before Halloween]

…

Let's see…

Lockhart is an ineffectual peacock, McGonagall teaches us better transfig (and is quite pleased at the progress I've made over the summer).

Flitwick suggested that we will begin to learn enchantments at some later time this year HINT HINT this is really fucking important.

What else…what else…

My spells got a little better, par for the course, Malfoy's a little bit of a bigger asshat, Snape's very leery of us keeping small vials of chloroform and the purest alcohol we can find...

 _Fun fact: it's not alcoholism if it's done in the name of science._

It's not like we're drinking it anyways, so meh.

Uh…what else?

Mandrakes are in, I haven't seen Ginny, and ten year old Luna is adorable and is deserving of hugs. She's also a bit like us when we were ten in the real world: skinny as all hell and devoid of friends.

Hmm…maybe we should promote her into a supporting character four years early? I don't know if I like the idea of a little girl growing up being shunned by literally everybody.

That being said she came out alright, if a bit weird, so…I guess it'll be a tertiary objective for the time being? I dunno. I feel like I should be more focused on the doomsnake though.

Oh. Last thing I forgot.

I've been giving Filch's cat treats. Filch himself doesn't like us, and honestly I don't expect him to like us, but at the very least he approves of the fact that we fight with bladed brass knuckles. Us giving his cat treats is just to help give us an alibi for when the poor thing gets stoned.

Filch is actually pretty interesting to be around. He despises children but is ok with all forms of muggle violence, so he's basically a drunk guy in a bar.

In related news, we're officially the Teacher's Pet of Gryffindor and the Slytherins seem to really enjoy picking a fight. Some of them have insinuated that they held back last year because we were a first year.

In related related news, we've 'invented' the Unrelenting Force shout due to the (perversely) pressing need of having a spell that was both mentally damaging and physically harmless…mostly.

 _Actually we just need a spell that we can use which will leave no residues._

The shout loses some of its impact because I need to keep my wand in my hand to cast it, but meh, it works, and that's all that matters.

 _We first got to use it when a trio of Slytherin NPCs decided to pick a fight on the grand staircase while we were on our way to the Room of Requirement. Given that blowing the three of them off of said staircase so they splatter against the ground would have been a felony rather than 'acceptable use of force', we instead led them up into the seventh floor hallway._

And then everybody on the floor (and maybe the floor above and below it) heard a loud, childish voice go " **FUS, RO DAH!** " followed by what sounded like an explosion. I had to add the explosion effect as a spell afterwards, which is kind of stupid, but it's the thought that counts.

 _We hid in the RoR after we blew the Slytherins into the wall, so there were no witnesses. Our reputation made it pretty clear it was us, though._

They just had no proof…and then we went and used it in the general company of like fifty people after some asshat Slytherin actually tried to shank us with an actual sharp object. It was kind of endearing, actually. The kid obviously saw some muggles try some shit and tried to emulate them with using a fork.

…but yeah we blew him into a nearby stone pillar and we totally did it with our voice and it was totally awesome.

Snape gave us detention for causing a scene, but it didn't make it any less awesome.

…

[Quidditch]

…

 _Namely, the Gryffindors met the Slytherins on a day of double-booked practice pitches._

Malfoy did not get the Slytherin team Nimbus 2001s.

He however did make it onto the team despite the gift, so in that sense it means Malfoy was at least better than the previous Seeker.

…Though he was dumb enough to toss 'Mudblood' out while we were in attendance.

Ron, per book event, pulls out his wand.

 _We stopped him from making a mess of himself though._

"Malfoy." I sigh. "Given that it's too damn early for this, I'll pretend I didn't hear it this time."

"What are you, Granger's guard dog?" Draco sneers. "I'm not scared of you."

 _Insert 'god he's stupid' sigh here._

I shrug. "Alright, fine."

Malfoy drops to the ground, wheezing…much to the surprise of everybody in attendance.

Funny thing: wind can be used to pack a pretty damn good punch. Kicker? It's easy enough to do that I can pull it out without chanting. It's quite possibly the best utility spell I've made so far.

 _And we discovered it by accident when experimenting with trying to manipulate our prismatic bits._

"Draco, you should be smarter about picking your fights." I sigh again. It's really too damn early for this.

 _Ron dragged us up, saying we needed more 'Wizardry spirit.' Otherwise we would've slept in and missed this event altogether._

Given that our hit wasn't actually that strong, just surprising, Draco got his breath back pretty quickly. "I'll make a note of that." He grumbles.

 _The fact that we were at least polite enemies was what saved us from being hexed to molecules by the rest of the Slytherin team. Alternatively, it was what saved the Slytherin team from being drugged to next year._

…

The problem didn't really resolve as we didn't need to carry Tummy Slug Vomiting Ron from the field, but Oliver Wood was like 'well, let them have the pitch, they look like they needed it more' and the Gryffindor team was the bigger man that day.

Given that alternate resolution, the trio just decided to visit Hagrid instead. We followed them because it would be poor sport to go back to the tower and sleep.

This is also the first time I've met Hagrid with the power trio, so introductions went around. He of course knew about my reputation of being a maverick odd ball…it's gonna come back and bite me in the ass at some point.

 _Hagrid also introduces us to his Man Cooking. We are, unfortunately, not Man enough to eat it._

"What's a Mudblood?" Harry asks after a fashion, and the other three…enlighten him on the finer details of overt dumbass racism. He is suitably disgusted.

 _Ron seems to realize something during the conversation as he frowns and looks our way._

"It doesn't seem to bother you much, does it?" Ron addresses me. "Being called that, I mean."

 _Note that he says this after Hermione made her dislike of the term very vocal. Can't blame her though, as 'not fitting in' was one of her major worries…hell, it probably is still a major worry._

I shrug. "Seen it, heard it, don't care about it." I'm actually not sure why Hermione reacts strongly to the term itself, since she (I assume) never grew up with the social conditioning of considering it a stigma. Or maybe she's just more empathetic than I am? "My power comes from science and training; I don't need blood to back it up."

"It doesn't bother you at all?" Ron frowns. "Really, mate? You attacked Malfoy and all."

Well, yeah, but "being pure blooded didn't save Draco from being punched in the gut, did it?" I like asking rhetorical questions…especially when it gets a smile out of the trio. "Blood is not everything, if it was, a lot of people would be screwed."

I don't think I was actually convincing, but at least they seem pretty ok with the explanation.

…

[Open Chamber]

…

 _We arrive on the scene with the general population._

I don't remember what happened in the books, but the end result is that the trio went off to do some random thing and we, as a member of the general student body, only stumble upon the stoned cat after the deed is done.

So…it plays out almost exactly like it does in the books.

Mrs. Norris gets petrified, the power trio is discovered at the scene…Filch goes into murder mode.

Differences: Malfoy did not toss around the mudblood term, possibly because I was present and staring daggers at him. LOCKHART of all people insinuated that the attacks might target towards muggleborns.

Of course, it didn't sound as if he said it out of malice, but damn is it suspicious.

 _How is it suspicious? The message on the wall is literally a threat against us normal folk._

…

He's going on my list of suspects.

 _We currently have exactly one suspect: Ginny._

…well, strictly speaking, we have two: Ginny and Draco.

Ginny is a suspect because of our prior knowledge.

Malfoy is a suspect on the assumption that Lucius never made the dead drop, since we didn't see it happen to confirm one way or the other. If Lucius's logical reasoning works the same way as it does in the books (drop for vengeance) then Draco would be the least likely candidate, but the possibility is still there.

We're adding Lockhart since his comment felt a little weird. Yes, it was pointing out the obvious, but still.

…So how do I actually do the investigation without rousing suspicion?

 _We wait for a little bit and see if Harry finds the journal instead of jumping at possibilities._

We've already planted a cover story about being really interested in magical books, so hopefully if Harry gets his hands on the journal he'll be a naïve little kid and show it to us. Unless he's already shared the fact that we like magical books with Ginny and Ginny shared that with the journal, in which case Riddle might be more on guard…

I'm getting sidetracked in what-ifs.

 _Resolution: The trio are let go since there wasn't any evidence, and the Chamber of Secrets is now the talk of the school._

 _As we head back to the common room…_

"Hey." Fred elbows me.

The twins have been coming to me for consultation with disturbing frequency.

I hold up a hand to stop Fred. "I know as much as you do about the Chamber, which is to say, very little." I then stare at him, which is his cue to lean in closer. "That being said, keep a mirror with you from now on." I murmur.

 _It says a lot about how much he trusts my guidance (despite having next to zero reason to do so) when he doesn't even question why._

"Should I tell the others?" Fred asks in a low tone. 'Others' always meant at least George.

"As long as it's your idea." I reply.

[3rd Person Camera]

"What are we going to do with a mirror?" George asks Fred when the twins share news.

"To look around corners, I think." Fred, with another analytical gaze at the water on the floor, replies. "It's probably a reflection thing."

"So…what's so dangerous that we need to scout ahead?" George muses.

…

…

…

And then the days move on.

Harry gets a Homing Bludger to the arm and Lockhart proceeds to take the bones out of said arm. Harry then spends the night in the Hospital wing so his arm can be properly re-boned.

 _We debated about the virtues of blasting the bludger out of the air with our prismatic beam, but ultimately we decided that losing every last bone in your arm due to the incompetency of the education system was an integral part of growing up._

 _Plus, y'know, we could've hit Harry and instantly killed him._

When Harry got out of the hospital, he let us know that Collin Creevy (Creevey?) got petrified as well…though that became common knowledge even without his help. Personally I'm pretty glad that the butterfly effect didn't make his condition any worse.

…

…

The trio then switched to talking about using Polyjuice because Malfoy is their designated villain and thus must be evil. Ergo they must do an epic infiltration that involves being Draco's two thugs.

I hear them planning to rob Snape. I must pretend to act as if I have morals.

 _I think we're a year too late for that._

"Do you really think Malfoy would keep his mouth shut if he was actually the heir?" I ask them.

"No, but I think he's definitely up to something." Ron insists. "Whose side are you on, anyway?"

Hrm…well, it's not like this is definitively dangerous or anything. "I'm on my own side. If the three of you want to ask him stupid things then by all means go ahead."

They eventually settle on a plan while we retreat to our corner because the best thing is happening soon.

…

[Dueling Club]

…

Not gonna lie, I was looking forward to this part.

I bought all my combat gear with me. Let's fucking _go_ , man.

 _The Great hall is packed with students, and yet there's a small clearing around us because we're just so utterly overjoyed at being able to fight it out._

Lockhart struts onto the center stage, boasting of his incredible feats (half of the student body buys it).

His opponent, the great Professor Snape!

The two face off, and Lockhart does his countdown.

 _Funny thing is: Lockhart's stance is loose, and he gives of an aura of being an experienced duelist._

And then Snape blows him into the wall where he hit his head and dies. GG.

…

No, that doesn't actually happen.

Lockhart counts to three but makes no obvious motion to cast. Snape uses the disarming spell (holding the syllable like 'ex—pelliarmus' as expected) and Lockhart is blown back a few paces, his wand no longer in his hand.

"A wonderful demonstration, Professor Snape." Lockhart says warmly. "And I must thank you for showing the care to control your spell's force in this demonstration."

 _A bit of a non-sequitor: we have the reputation of being a teacher's pet. Last year we were…appreciative, of Quirrell; it was pretty obviously we at the very least respected him as a teacher (even if we did it for the purpose of de-fanging him as much as possible). Thus, people were pretty surprised when we seemed to give Lockhart, who was supposed to be superior to Quirrell, the barest of our attention._

 _We made it clear that our lack of respect was because we found the difference between his skill as a professor and his book capabilities odd. Our reputation meant that more than a handful of students also voiced the fact that Lockhart didn't do any practical demonstrations despite his fame._

 _The result of this interference? Lockhart made a serious effort to demonstrate his prowess and has actually improved as far as teaching abilities go._

So he's a lot more capable that he was in the book, even if the reason for that improvement was the protection of his own ill-gained fame.

"But perhaps it would be more expedient to have our students experience things hands on!" Lockhart declares. "Uh…Potter, Weasley."

Oh, boo.

 _We're nowhere near the front. He can't actually see us._

We have a blank spot around us, he could totally see us! We're the bald spot of a lawn here!

"Weasley is one to cause mayhem with even the simplest of charms." Ala-er, Snape says. "May I suggest someone from my own house…Malfoy, perhaps?" And he turns with a snap and a flourish.

Snape is the best.

The two of them salute like fencers (wand upright in front of their faces) and get some distance, then they get into their proper wow their postures are shit.

 _They don't need to do hand to hand._

Still. Malfoy's weight is almost entirely on his back foot, and Harry definitely has no idea what he's doing.

 _No shit, this is the first time they're 'dueling'. Lockhart helps Harry fix his posture and Malfoy readjusts when Snape steps lightly on his foot._

"One…" Lockhart counts down.

"Two…!"

I feel sorry for Malfoy. Harry has to deal with my shit on a near-constant basis.

 _Fun fact: we do it to keep his reflexes sharp, because obviously the best way to build up Harry's resistance to being shot is to keep shooting him with progressively larger caliber bullets._

It's not like we're actually _hitting_ him.

Anyways, Malfoy starts casting at two, but Harry gets his counterspell off just as Malfoy finishes.

Two streams of sparks meet in the center and explode like fireworks.

…That being said, though Harry's reflexes have gotten better, his spell repertoire is still pretty small.

 _We have no room to talk._

Also Lockhart goes "I said disarm only!" but nobody cares.

Harry does get his head back in the game faster than Malfoy did though, and fires his…whatever it was, at Malfoy. I think it was a tickling charm if the spell's idea of tickling was to do it with repeated gut punches.

Snape drags Malfoy up to his feet by the collar but Harry's already in his next cast: the disarming spell that was supposed to be used. The instant Draco went into his stance Harry fired his spell off, and Draco's wand sailed off at an arc into Harry's hand.

Malfoy never got his Summon Snake spell off because Harry was just better. Cue jeers from the Slytherins and cheers from the Gryffindors.

 _We have a very self-satisfied smirk on our face right now._

Harry got in trouble with Snape for using spells besides the disarming spell (and for not showing good sportsmanship), but Lockhart bails him out by being unusually bombastic about Harry being a 'natural duelist' and 'champion in training'.

I don't care about any of that, because it's go time for the rest of us.

 _We are very happy about all of this. It is disturbing to the people around us._

Nonlethal spells are easier to cast, and chaining enough of them together means I can do some really nasty things without blowing a huge part of my energy.

…of course, being a dirty fighter doesn't hurt.

I get…my first match is with a Hufflepuff 2nd year, by the looks of it. Weedy kid, too.

 _The Great Hall gets magically expanded at this point so we have more room. Just go with it, yeah?_

He doesn't seem very pleased that I'm his opponent.

"Relax, I'm not going to eat you." I say, while very excitedly bouncing on the balls of my feet. "Though I hope you have insurance."

 _1!_

"Why did it have to be the maniac?" The Hufflepuff NPC groans. It's a very apt summary.

 _2!_

Wish it saved him though.

 _3!_

"Exp-" Hufflepuff NPC Student 1 shouts, before being winded by our literally undetectable wind attack to his lungs. I think I'll call it the sucker punch from now on.

Given that the guy is now wheezing, I just walk up to him and take his wand from his hands. Victory!

 _How underwhelming._

It's not a sport, it's a duel. I just need to win.

 _This…Bullshit Tactic 101 of a duel continues for about four more kids before we caught someone's attention and was invited to the center stage._

My opponent is Marcus Flint, the Slytherin Quidditch captain. I think he's still salty over how we treated his team. More importantly, he's seen us use the sucker punch before (and odds are he's been watching us do it now, too) so he probably has a counter.

I'm actually going to need to try.

"Your reputation precedes you, Mister Ash." Snape says with a thin smile. "I hope an upperclassman will not be too much of a challenge for you?"

"Nah." I bow to Flint. "Thank you for the challenge."

He's a little taken aback but bows in return. "Sure, brat."

It says a lot about what kind of duels are taking place when Lockhart has stopped advising 'disarm only'.

 _He also said something about playing fair._

Did he? I wasn't really listening.

The rest of the room has quieted down to watch the duel that's going to happen here on the center stage…before then, it was just Lockhart showing off somewhat ineffectually to his progressively smaller cluster of admirers.

 _1!_

Flint begins casting immediately.

We hit his arm with the sucker punch and his spell fizzles and shoots off into the ceiling.

"Dude, at least wait until 'three' to start." I grumble.

He grins…he was testing us after all.

"Now now, that's not very sportsmanlike, Mister Flint." Lockhart reprimands.

 _2!_

I take the battery out of my belt and grip it tightly in my left hand.

 _Flint sees it and obviously does not approve._

To be honest, I need to practice my defense and counters. My offense is good, but it relies a lot on the element of surprise…so let's hold back for a few spells.

"Three!" Lockhart yells.

…

[3rd Person Camera]

…

Flint actually hesitated for a second, expecting Ash to make the first move. When it was clear that Ash was focused on defense, however, he began his attack.

The first spell out of Flint's wand was a leg locker curse that Ash parries with a shower of sparks.

"Equal and opposite force, huh?" Ash remarks, glancing at his wand hand. "It's just the key point that I need to be wary of."

 _He's not paying attention to me at all._ Flint notes, getting angry. _Focus on your enemy in a duel!_

Flint then fires a Total Petrification spell at Ash.

Ash evades it by diving to the side.

 _The center stage is now a large box ring instead of a narrow strip of land. Again, just go with it._

"Fast, aren't you…do a lot of running?" Flint taunts, making sure to keep his distance from the very reputed Dude-That-Likes-Muggle-Dueling.

"I do what I must." Ash grins. "Because I can."

Flint fires a stunner at Ash and is surprised that the twelve year old recognizes the spell, given the sudden alarm on Ash's face.

Ash, for his part, summoned what looked like a small metal plate and put it between him and the spell. The stunner hit the plate and crumpled the sheet steel like paper, but otherwise did not harm Ash himself.

"Ok, that worked out better than I thought it would." Ash mutters. "Question is, will that work against the big one?"

 _Big One?_ Flint frowns. _He's planning to block an Avada?_

The room had gone silent as everyone turned to watch the center stage battle…because A. Flint was pretty damn good at spellcasting and B. Ash's reputation has made him interesting.

"Alright, I suppose that's plenty of testing for now." Ash says. "My turn, Marcus."

Flint drew his wand and got ready to cast a protective charm.

His arm was then blown away by a strong blast of wind, interrupting his cast.

"That wand reliance really is a drag." Ash comments as he rushes towards Flint while the bigger boy returned his wand to position. "What kind of wandless spells do you know?"

Flint, not an idiot, drew his wand arm back and threw a punch with his offhand arm as Ash closed in.

Ash, also not being an idiot, blocks Flint's punch with his arm after reducing the punch's strength by attacking it head on with a Sucker Punch.

Then again Ash is also weedy and small, so Flint's reduced punch was enough to send Ash staggering away for a few steps.

"Right, right…forgot I was twelve." Ash mutters. "I need something like the lightning step to make in-fighting worthwhile."

"What are you blabbering about?" Flint growls. "Fight seriously!"

Ash grins. "Ok." He then summons four small crystals. "Strike with great vengeance!" He yells, and the crystals zip towards Flint.

Flint retreats hastily from the crystals so two of them shatter themselves upon the stage. He blows up a third with a Blasting spell (Reducto) and then ducks underneath the last one, which flies for a little more and then just dematerializes.

"Petrificius Totalus." Ash casts while Flint was still crouching from his duck.

Flint had the sense to roll away from the spell, and it hits the stage floor to no effect.

Ash blinks. "Wow, not bad at all."

"Fighting dirty is what I'm good at." Flint grins. "Now let's see you weasel out of this one!"

…

[1st Person Camera]

…

Oh…well it had to happen at some point.

Marcus summoned some snakes. Some very…angry, snakes. There are actually a lot of snakes, wow.

 _Twelve snakes, to be exact._

I like snakes. But I'm pretty sure this group of snakes isn't up for petting.

 _Given that they're hissing and slithering towards us, no, probably not._

Let's back up a bit. I need a minute to get my spells ready.

…

I then hear hissing from the sidelines. The snakes get distracted.

Harry's trying to get them to stop, isn't he?

 _The kids around Harry are visibly alarmed by the fact that Harry is hissing at them from the sidelines and are backing away from him as quickly as they can._

Damage control, damage control!

"Harry, bugger off." I yell to him. "I don't need help to win this one."

"You're helping him?" Ron's in disbelief, looking between Harry and me with neck-breaking speed. "You speak Parseltongue, Ash?"

"What's Parseltongue?" Harry asks.

"Can you imagine Harry helping Flint out?" I ask him back.

Ron blinks and then nods. "Right, right."

"Sorry, mate." Harry apologizes. "But I got worried."

He's nice. Pity the book event just shits all over that. "I know, Harry, and thanks. But I got this."

 _WIND! OBEY MY COMMAND!_

I kick up wind around the snakes and launch them all into the air.

 _So we made a snake tornado. A snakenado, if you will._

Though it was a localized snakenado, in retrospect the ascension spell Lockhart used would've been easier and less dangerous. Oh well.

Chant…point wand at left hand…gather the power in the left hand battery…and…emit!

 _As the snakes drop from the sky, crackling electricity wraps itself around our left hand and extends outwards like a pole that we hold straight up toward the ceiling._

 _When the snakes hit the ground, we slam the pole onto the snakes, where the electrical power discharges with a resounding roar._

 _…_

Good lord that was loud…much louder than I expected.

We've, uh…

 _There a massive charred black bar on the ground, wide enough to encompass the now very much roasted snakes._

Everybody's staring at the black line in shock.

"Told you I got it covered." I say lightly to break up the silence. "Now then, where were we?"

Truth be told, I don't actually have the power to shoot it off a second time (without seriously decreasing its range), but they don't need to know that.

 _We make our point by regathering the crackling lightning onto our fist, and Flint, speechless, instinctively backs up a step._

Lockhart quickly steps in to prevent a perceived murder. "T-that's quite enough, uh…thank you, young Ash."

"I must ask, what did you think you were hoping to accomplish, making a spell of that power?" Snape asks. "Surely you were not planning on using it on Marcus here, were you?"

"No, that would be a felony." I can stop posturing and take some deep breathes now. "Besides, I'm pretty sure he'd survive if he got hit by it."

 _Flint stares at us in utter disbelief of our cavalier attitude towards murder._

"You should take care of the spells you use, Young Ash…lest they become your downfall." Snape says evenly with the barest hint of a warning.

I wonder if that means he regrets making Sectumsempra? "Duly noted, professor."

…

The rest of the dueling club's first day passes without much fanfare. I was running on fumes after my fight with Flint, so I sat out the rest.

 _That and nobody really wanted to duke it out with us after we created a snakenado and burned it to the ground._

Plus I may have created rumors that I can speak with snakes with my little exchange with Harry, so they're giving me a bit of space.

So…yeah. Good things have happened.

 _We have a very loose definition of what can be considered 'good'._

.

.

.

{ === + === }

Author Notes:

I think Chamber of Secrets will be four chapters (counting this one) and one follow-up.


	7. Chamber of Secrets - Up To Aprilish

{ === + === }

The following things happened after the dueling club episode:

Justin FF (the poor kid who would've been 'attacked' by the snake in the normal timeline) was attacked and petrified. He was saved from certain death by the translucency of the Fat Friar instead of Nick though.

Like the normal timeline, Harry was implicated due to his Parseltongue performance during the dueling club. Unlike the normal timeline, not as many people believed the implication as there was no direct connection between Justin and Harry this time.

 _To be fair there was never a connection before, just an implied attack that apparently everyone fell for._

In addition, I'M being implicated as an attacker this time around, since I gave the impression of being able to understand (and thus speak) Parseltongue.

…To be honest, I didn't have the heart to tell the kids that what I did was the equivalent of speaking to a cat while the cat meows back.

 _Also known as "that thing every pet owner does"._

Plus it feels like quite a few of the students were looking for a conspiracy, so trying to dissuade them would be a lost cause. My reputation of being overly aggressive helped deflect some of the accusations.

 _In the words of some skeptical students: "If Ash disliked Justin that much he would've just hexed him." I would then prove their point by insisting that the Prismatic Beam was technically not a hex._

Regardless, the two of us were given rights to visit Dumbledore's office as a result of the accusations though, and that's…uh, good. I guess.

Dumbledore made it clear during the meeting that he doesn't consider Harry to be the culprit. He also asked for my opinion on the matter.

Our response was a very certain "Uh, yeah, I mean…I'm pretty sure Harry wouldn't do it."

 _We weren't expecting to be consulted. Besides, the fact that Fawkes actually did burn to cinders was a little too interesting for us._

How can a bird do that anyways? More to the point, if Fawkes met the Basilisk and stared it in the eye, would Fawkes immediately burst into flames or…I feel like the book covered this at some point, but I don't remember. I feel like this is an important thing to establish though.

…

Following the…well, it wasn't really even an inquiry, just a reassurance…following that whole thing Dumbledore asked us to stay behind for a little bit as Harry left.

 _Harry's departure was complete with worried glances backwards at us still standing at attention in the center of the office._

"Young Ash. Are you aware of the beast that is currently endangering my school?" He asks me after his door Gargoyle stopped moving.

Also, I find his wording to be a touch suspect. "I know it exists, headmaster."

"I see." He nods, convinced. "And the fact that someone has killed all of Hagrid's roosters…?"

 _He pretends to be convinced, more like._

I also find it really, really difficult to believe that a magical school has no grasp of magical creatures. I mean…it can literally be one of three things if we just take into account the fact that it Stones on sight. It's a Medusa, a Gorgon, or a Basilisk. Possibly more, depending on how many of the mythos are real.

"Ash?" Dumbledore sounds concerned.

Oh, wups.

 _We drifted off into our own mind._

"Well…I can't prove a thing, Headmaster." I shrug. "Though I have my guesses." I think I just channeled Dumbledore, so let's backpedal a little. "My guesses are a lot worse than yours, though…sir."

 _We backpedaled like an idiot._

Dumbledore chuckles. "I see." He then…wow that's a glare if I QUICK AVOID HIS EYES "Am I correct to assume that you will not knowingly place my students in danger, then?"

Um. "I assume nothing." I reply. "I know someone is orchestrating these attacks, and I'm pretty sure if I move too quickly I'll endanger more people than I save."

Dumbledore nods slowly. "If you have the power to act quickly, then please do not dally…lest the situation leaves your control."

The situation isn't even in my control to begin with. "I'll keep that in mind, headmaster."

…

…

Next action on the agenda: the Polyjuice Potion event.

Let's see…Harry and Ron turned into Malfoy's Bodyguards and went for an interrogation. Hermione turned into a cat.

It's unfortunate that she turned into a Western catgirl instead of a Japanese catgirl, but eh.

Harry and Ron were CAUGHT during the investigation by Snape (though by then they had un-transformed and were on their way out of the dungeons). They both lost house points but otherwise nothing interesting happened.

I personally spent the day sleeping in.

…

…

[Other Events]

…

My spells got better, my aim got better, my FUS RO DAH got better…

I'm also starting to experiment with other spells to expand my arsenal. It's…surprisingly tough.

The number one reason why it's tough: I have some pretty good all-rounder spells right now.

At medium range, I have my Prismatic Beam. At long range, I have the Crystalline Bits (small pieces of sharp things being tossed into the face of the target), and at short range, I have both the Unrelenting Force and the Thunder Axe.

Plus, I have all the normal spells available to the Harry Potter universe…so I daresay I have my jack-of-all-trades spells locked down right now. In that sense, making new spells has been oddly difficult, since I don't really need said new spells even for variety.

That being said, I'm currently working with three spells to see what kind of alterations I can make.

First off is Diffindo, the cutting spell. Basically it's Sectumsempra but utterly and totally harmless in every shape and form. Diffindo's greatest weakness is that it's a cutting spell that requires PERMISSION from its target for the cutting to actually happen.

Naturally, this means that the spell is most effective on inanimate objects. I don't give a shit about attacking inanimate objects; there are better spells for that.

 _Like all spells, we can force Diffindo's combat effect by adding in more power (thus overriding the 'asking' with 'demanding', but at that point it's the same as Sectumsempra except worse in every way possible._

Except maybe the "hard to heal from" part...Diffindo will be easier to heal from than Sectumsempra.

So Diffindo's pretty much a wash.

Next, I played around with Incendio.

Incendio started off as a niche experiment, where we just tried to set fire to everything. I got some good practice with the water spell as a side effect, so I can do ice and fire in the future if I want to go down that path.

Following initial testing, Incendio's major problem is that, like regular fire, it requires something flammable on the strike area to actually work. Unlike regular fire, it needs to make a resistance check based on the strength of the target (most wizards have innate—if thin—barriers against attacking spells).

So the initial tests were not exactly promising.

And then I discovered something good.

 _When we made said discovery, we started cackling maniacally in Our Corner of the Common Room. It's capitalized now because nobody approaches it except us._

We then rushed out to the Room of Requirement for testing, complete with shit-eating grin.

Initial tests following our little realization proved to be fruitful. I'm gonna have fun using this one in the foreseeable future.

 _Short version: Incendio has two delivery methods: packet, and stream._

Hehehehehehe

Ahem. Where was I?

Oh! Right.

Lastly is Alohomora, the unlocking spell.

 _Wait, why that one?_

I'm trying to see if I can unlock more than just doors. Currently, it's not going well. Combining it with Diffindo is turning out to be oddly productive though, but I still need to fiddle with it more.

…

The wizards really need to keep better documentation.

…

[Diary]

…

Some weeks after the trio's trip to the Slytherin Dungeons, harry got his grubby mitts on a diary. He got his grubby mitts on THE Diary, as he very clearly shows us in the common room after class.

They do their thing…Ron recognizes the Riddle name as 50 years old, Hermy makes the conjecture that since it's a 50 year old name, Riddle must've gotten his award from the last time the Chamber was opened.

I'm just sitting here realizing that Voldemort's almost 70 years old at this point.

"Ash? You ok there, mate?" Ron asks us with a frown.

"Yeah, yeah." I shake my head. "Just…had a moment."

Ron, like any sane person, is confused. "Right, well…whoever this Riddle is, he's a bit off his rocker to keep an empty diary around, don't you think?"

"Maybe we have to do something to it?" Harry wonders and pokes the diary with his wand.

"Maybe you should try writing in it." I suggest in my best 'offering stupid advice' voice.

 _Harry dutifully reaches for quill and ink._

"Maybe you should leave it alone." Hermione offers. "It could be cursed."

Hmm. "Or maybe we should get an outsider's opinion." I look around for…aha! Ginny just entered the scene. "Hey, er…Ginny!"

She…it feels like she's a little bit dazed and confused, but she does respond to my voice and glare at the four of us sitting around a table.

I snatch the diary from Harry before he could protest. "What should we do with this?" I call out and wave it over my head.

She…yep. She turns white and bolts out of the common room.

 _We look at each other._

"What's that all about?" Ron grumbles. "My little sister is going mental."

"Must be because Valentines is around the corner." I say, loud enough for the twins (who happen to share the same common room) to hear it.

"On it." They reply (in sync) immediately with all of the determination of brothers protecting their little sister from literally everything awful about the entire world forever. And boys. Mostly the boys.

I feel like I just accidentally subjected a lot of unfortunate ten-year olds to hell for my own personal amusement.

 _It will be a good learning experience. Y'know, "Life fucks you over because someone else wanted it to."_

…I'm a terrible person. Or something.

…

Well, all bad jokes aside, I know that Ginny eventually regains the diary, probably via stealing it from Harry's stuff.

I should be able to defuse the situation (a little) by telling her that we haven't been able to find anything unusual about the book. Given that she's ten, the biggest thing I need to do is to ensure that she doesn't feel like she's in trouble. If I can do that, I can get my grubby little mittens on the book.

From there, I should be able to prepare countermeasures against the Basilisk without worrying about a time limit.

 _If we do that, we'll throw the entire endgame for book 2 off-script._

Yeah…better be ready for anything.

…

[Next Day]

…

I showed up late for Herbology today.

"I'm amazed you were late!" Hermione gasps.

 _We're usually the first person to show up…because it's MAGIC we're learning here._

"Don't remind me." I grumble, as if I was late due to interference.

I showed up late for a very good reason: I nicked the diary and tucked it into my storage chest before rigging said chest with a trap. Whoever opens it (Ginny) will get blasted in the face by a Wind of Sleep.

 _We lost two points from Professor Sprout for being late._

No biggie.

…

[That Afternoon]

…

Nothing interesting happened during the day, beyond a Ravenclaw challenging us to an informal duel.

 _The challenger was a third year NPC. Apart from being polite there's absolutely nothing interesting about him._

He tried to show us up with the Lumos Maxima, which is technically a third year spell that's both easy to do and honestly pretty cool if done right. In this instance, the NPC made fairy lights and it…I guess he's trying to show off for his admirers? There's like three girls watching him.

 _Valentines is around the corner. The boy made little sparkly hearts and birds in the air too._

…Oh.

Well then.

 _We then proceeded to fill the air with solid ice roses._

Funny thing with the water spell: I can just use it to make ice.

 _The boy, showing class, graciously bowed and shook our hand._

He gets props for being smart enough to realize that a duel of violence would've ended badly for him.

…

So yeah, nothing interesting happened.

 _Oy._

We did find something interesting when we raced up into our dormitory though, with Harry and Ron in tow when they realized I was apparently hurrying for some reason.

"What the?" Ron gasps when he sees Ginny slumped over my storage chest.

"Huh, I didn't think I'd catch her of all people." I mutter. "Harry, I have a confession."

"Why is my sister on your chest?" Ron demands.

 _We, the immature little voice in Ash's head, would like to apologize for your facepalm and exasperated (and maybe a little angry) sigh._

Harry looks at Ginny nervously. "What did you do?" He asks me.

"Well, first off, I took that diary you found and stuffed it in my storage." I explain. "And then I trapped my storage to put the first person who opens it to sleep."

"So that's why it smells weird in here." Seamus the Gryffindor NPC wrinkles his nose. If memory serves he's the powder keg, right?

 _As in he blows himself up a lot._

"Yeah, wind of sleep tends to do that." I sigh. "Now out, if you're not Harry or Ron, out."

 _We wait until the room is clear (Ron cracks open a window to air it out)._

"Renervate." I cast, and Ginny stirs.

She rolls off of the storage with a groan, blinks, sees the three of us, and freaks the fuck out.

 _By freezing in fear._

"Yo." I greet her cheerily. "What were you looking for in my storage?" I can already guess, but it's better to have her say it herself.

She says nothing.

 _She flinches as we point our wand at her._

"Oy." Ron narrows his eyes at us. "Don't threaten my sister." He aims his broken wand at us.

Harry, knowing that Ron's wand is shit, points his wand at us in his friend's stead.

"I don't want her to run away." I explain (badly). "Ginny?"

She doesn't respond.

I sigh. "You were looking for this, weren't you?" I go into my storage and hold up the Riddle Diary.

She flinches again, but nods.

"Why do you want an old thing like that?" Ron says with disdain.

Ginny glares daggers at him and doesn't respond.

 _Ron rolls his eyes._

I sigh again. "Ginny, for the record, we haven't been able to get this thing to work. I have no idea why you want this thing so bad."

She…wow. The relief in her body is evident.

"Why do you want that?" Ron asks again with a scowl. "It's ancient."

"It's none of your business, Ronald." Ginny mutters under her breath (so only I heard clearly). "I'll leave. Sorry about messing up your things."

Well at least she's polite.

 _She leaves without really answering any questions._

Hmm…

 _After she leaves, we all lower our wands and I toss the diary back to Harry._

"Maybe she knows how to get this thing to work." Harry observes, looking over every inch of the diary again. "Can you ask her, Ron?"

"Sure." Ron nods.

So that's…

…

Well, the problem is not really solved. We've averted an immediate issue, which is having the diary stolen without our knowledge. The fundamental problem of the diary being stolen in the first place is still present…

I can carry it around, sure, but I don't know if I like the idea of keeping a Horcrux on my person for long periods of time, and I'm not stupid or optimistic enough to believe that I'll somehow be immune to its effects just because I'm not using it.

 _For now, adopt a wait and see attitude?_

Yeah.

…

…

[Valentine's Day]

…

So this was a thing.

Or…rather, the Dwarves that Lockhart…

Ok seriously how much alcohol did he buy to get these guys to do this?

This is like the worst fucking idea a man can ever conceive.

 _Including Hitler?_

…Godwin's law is cheating. This is the worst idea ever with exception to anything that requires a significant military force to execute.

So Lockhart has Dwarves dressed like cherubs running around the school, bellowing out valentine day things to people in off-tune tones. That's actually not the worst part.

 _Though it might be because of the difference in expectations between a 12-year old and an adult._

Harry and crew find the things embarrassing. I'm…reasonably ok with their singing. I've heard worse, and I'm pretty damn sure I sing worse.

 _We've actually gotten a few Valentine songs from people, which was pretty sweet of them. We made the Dwarves go back to sender with both a small pouch of vodka and a box of chocolate._

I ordered it through Fred and George.

…The chocolate, not the Vodka. The Vodka I just had on hand.

So if I see someone wandering around with a box of Hershey's Kisses, I know who sent me a nice thought.

But anyways, the worst part of the Cherub Dwarves?

One: their outfit is loose. Two: they are men.

Three: They have no sense of outfit adjustment or are just too sloshed to care.

 _Flop flop flop flop flop._

Don't make me spell it out.

…

I got…what, six valentines in total?

 _I wouldn't call them Valentines, per se…unless every Valentine poem is supposed to end with "Please don't blow the school up"._

It's still a valentine.

I also got one from Ginny, which is…which would be nice if I was sure she had no ulterior motive.

 _It also says a lot about our mindset when we suspect a child of having plots._

Children are mean little fuckers, what are you talking about?

Anyways, having the Valentine from Ginny was interesting, because it meant I was now Weasley Enemy Number One and the twins have openly announced their decision to "hex me to next year" if I made a move on her.

 _Our response was: "Good idea."_

…

[Later]

…

I heard something about Harry getting into an altercation with Malfoy concerning the diary (ending with Harry apparently blasting Malfoy's face to pieces), so good for him.

 _The story may have been slightly embellished._

Percy was unhappy about it (at least officially) but given that I caught him daydreaming with one hell of a smirk…

Harry did, however, try writing in the diary, apparently after noticing that the ink he spilled on it disappeared.

In other news, I need to buy like a few boxes of those blue pens that are so cheapo and good and stuff.

Cheapo blue pens and stacks upon stacks of wide-rule lined paper.

Anyways, after he learned that Riddle's book apparently wrote back, Harry got a vision from the book, the same one that tells him about Aragog and Hagrid.

 _For those that don't remember: Then-Headmaster Armando Dippet tells Riddle that the school needs to be closed, Riddle finds a solution to the 'Beast of Slytherin' in Hagrid's Acromantula, and gets Hagrid expelled in the process._

This means Hagrid's like 70, too.

Anyways, the trio (Hermione hasn't been attacked yet. Hopefully will never be attacked) go down to Hagrid's Hut to ask him about the giant spider, while I sit around with the diary.

…Heh.

…

[For the following part, _italics_ are Riddle's words, **Bold** are my words written down into the Diary]

…

 **Hello, Riddle.**

 _I assume you are not Harry Potter. It's a pleasure to meet you._

 **Yeah, I'm not Harry. Say, Riddle. Do you ever get mocked for your name?**

Pause.

 _Some, but fortunately they learned better after some fashion. If I may ask, who am I conversing with?_

Polite, ain't he?

 **I am Reinhart Schenbach III.**

I think I spelled that wrong.

…

Another pause.

 _Well then, Mister Reinhart. May I inquire how you know about me?_

Hmm…so how do I want to play this?

 **Harry told me.**

Minor pause.

 _Of course, of course…he is a charming young man._

That's…slightly creepy. So. How do I want to do this?

All things being equal, I'm pretty sure I can pretend to be his friend, as I, a grown adult, should be able to out-lie a proud little boy…that said, there's no concrete benefit for us pretending to be his friend. Plus, there's no proof that the soul fragment inside here is only fifteen years old.

Fuck it. **It's a snake, isn't it?**

 _I beg your pardon?_

 **The Beast of Slytherin is a Snake, not a Giant Spider.**

 _I would imagine so, yes._

 **So why did you tell Harry that Hagrid was behind it?**

Long pause.

 _I told him no such thing. Potter jumped to his own conclusions._

Right…right…he showed Harry that Hagrid was being suspected and thus arrested for perpetrating the attacks and TECHNICALLY didn't show Hagrid unleashing the beast on any targets. I don't remember if he explicitly said he showed Harry what the beast was, though…more to the point, I'm expecting Riddle to be truthful to someone who clearly knows more than he's letting on (me), so that's kind of naïve of me.

 **Oh, by the way, VRiddle.** I wrote the V on purpose and then crossed it out, but it's pretty damn clear what I'm implying.

REALLY long pause.

 _Yes?_

 **Look at what I can do :D**

 _What is that supposed to be?_ He asks of our smiley.

I then rapidly sketch a massive penis into the diary, because why the fuck not…also because I'm immature and is easily amused.

 _What is the meaning of this?!_

 **I thought you liked these. I have one in higher resolution, hang on.**

I practiced drawing photorealistic Horse Appendages throughout this year (complete with VEINS) and by god I'm going to imprint them upon Voldemort's soul if it's the last thing I do!

As Romero Sayeth, "Suck it down."

…

[End Diary Segment]

…

 _The other kids in the common room take one look at us furiously giggling and scribbling in our Corner of the room and roll their eyes._

I wonder if he feels it if I draw a head to go along with the shaft? Probably not.

 _What we did not notice: Ginny saw us writing in the diary profusely, and turned stark white. She was, fortunately, too far to see exactly what we were drawing._

…

…

Harry came back from Hagrid's after, oh, about three-peni's worth of time? Drawing these things up to high quality with a quill and ink is impressively difficult.

 _Riddle had stopped responding, probably because he blocked us for sending dick pics._

Though they were truly photogenic dicks, the fun of trolling Riddle wears off pretty fast if he doesn't respond…and besides, my hand's cramping. "Yo." I greet Harry. "How was Hagrid?"

"Not well." Harry sighs. "Apparently that giant spider of his is living in the forbidden forest."

Wonderful.

"I'm never going anywhere near it ever again." Ron swears. I assume he means the forest.

Harry gestures to the diary. "Did you learn anything else from that?"

"Not really. I've just been playing with it…" Hang on. "Where's Hermione?" She's not with them.

"She shot off to the library, something about 'research'." Ron grumbles. "You're a bad influence on her, mate."

I just realized that I have the diary so Hermione can't be attacked. Whew. "I'm a bad influence? I'm a perfectly ok influence on our resident little miss genius."

"Whatever you say, mate." Ron rolls his eyes. "What do you reckon the beast of Slytherin is?"

Dur. "A snake." I say in the most 'isn't it obvious?' voice possible.

 _Harry and Ron blink in surprise and stare at each other in shock._

The two of them…did they seriously never make that connection?

"What makes you think that?" Harry asks slowly.

I do the eyeroll. "I can't imagine the house of _pride_ going with a beast not from their banner."

The two seriously never considered it, huh? Yikes.

 _It's more likely that they never had the same exposure to mythology that we did. After all, we were pretty dumb about actual mythology until we were at least fourteen._

True that…I hop onto my feet. "I'm gonna go talk to Hermy. Watch my stuff."

Harry looks at our Corner. "Watch your…what? Wait!"

 _The two of them follow after us, but not before Ron pockets the Riddle Diary due to Harry forgetting._

…

We find Hermione in the library, pouring over a book about mythical creatures.

 _She realizes that we've arrived but doesn't look up from her book._

"Yo." I greet her. "Find anything interesting?"

She sounds a little annoyed that we interrupted her reading. "Take a look at this." She shoves the book she was reading to us.

Let's see here…

"A basilisk?" Harry parrots the title. "What does it do?"

 _Hermione sighs and explains it to our resident Hero and his sidekick while we sit down and read the damn book._

…

…

To summarize:

First off, Basilisks are semi-magical creatures. That is, their magical power is proportional to their physical strength and size.

 _To compare: Threstrals, the deathhorses, are high magical creatures where their power is irrevelant to their physical abilities, while giants are low magical creatures who have more physical power than magical._

Basilisks as a species have the "glare" ability that allows their eyes to cast an enchantment. This ability allows them to paralyze their target upon making eye contact. The ability also loses power depending on how often it is reflected. The Glare ability is also activated instead of constantly active (that is, Basilisks aren't killing things with their eyes 24/7) but given that we plan on fighting one that point is moot.

Also, apparently the "kill/stone" part of the Glare ability is a rare mutation among Basilisks, rather than a constantly innate ability. Apparently Basilisks with this ability don't live long, as their food has a nasty tendency of catching the Basilisk's eyes only in reflections.

So going by this information, Salazar found an impressively rare specimen of an already rare magical creature to act as the Beast of Slytherin…fitting, really.

"So…how is it getting around the school?" Harry asks once we're sure we're talking about a massive deathsnake. "How is something that big getting around the school unseen?"

The three of them mull it over.

To be honest, if I did not have prior knowledge, I would not have considered pipes as the answer, especially when you consider just how large the snake must be in order for it to be a reasonably dangerous-looking enemy.

 _Imagine if the Basilisk was just a snake the size of your arm. Utterly unassuming and will kill you very dead on sight, but narratively is not dangerous at all._

In the end, Hermione comes to the conclusion that it must be moving through the pipes, we jump to the conclusion that Moaning Myrtle must have been the student killed 50 years ago…

I had to act as if I didn't know who Myrtle was and get exposition in my face…

…and we eventually make the decision to start looking around in Myrtle's bathroom.

"You have a new friend." Myrtle points out when she sees me. "Hello, new person."

"Ash, Myrtle. Myrtle, Ash." Hermione does the quick introductions.

I bow. "Hello, Myrtle, and pardon our intrusion."

"We're going to poke around here a bit, if you don't mind." Ron says bluntly.

"Of course I don't mind." Myrtle sniffles. "Why would I mind anything at all?"

 _With a wail she dives into a toilet._

I'd be lying if I said I was surprised. "Ok, let's see…"

…

I'm going to guess that the pillar ringed by sinks sitting in the middle of the room is probably somehow important. Maybe.

"Given how Slytherin works on reputation, I'm going to guess there's a small snake thingy in here somewhere." I say while jumping to (admittedly a reasonable) conclusion.

"Wouldn't surprise me." Hermione quips. "But where would he hide it?"

With the four of us, we find the small snake thingy underneath a sink within minutes. Harry uses his Parseltongue on it, and the pillar retracts and turns into a massive hole into the ground.

 _We make damn certain to remember exactly how "Open" sounded._

"Wicked." Ron breathes.

…Huh.

"I guess that's it for today." I grumble. "None of us brought any rope."

Hermione looks at us, looks at the hole, looks at us, and nods. "I see what he means…I don't fancy going down there and not having a way back up."

We leave the hole alone, and after a few minutes it returns back to its original fountain form.

"I'll see if I can get Fred and George to give us some rope." I say. "We'll do a proper investigation then."

"Wonderful. I always wanted to jump into a hole inhabited by a vicious monster." Hermione says with her deadpan snarky tone.

"You'll get your chance in a few days then." I grin.

She rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

…

[Next Day]

…

I told the twins that I needed rope.

"What for?" Fred wonders.

"There's a place I need to get into that requires a lot of rope." I respond.

Fred stares at us. "Well…why not just make the rope on your own?"

…With magic? "I thought about that" (I actually haven't thought about that) "but I need to conserve my power for exploring the hole…plus I don't know how much rope I need."

George is indignant. "It's an adventure, and all you want from the two of us is rope?!" He throws up his arms. "We can do much more than rope!"

…

That's true.

That's definitely true.

 _I look around for any possible eavesdroppers. Given that we're using an empty classroom that seems implausible._

"The two of you know about the Room of Requirement, right?" I ask them, dropping my volume all the same.

"The what?" They reply in unison.

…wait, really?

Erm. "Meet me on the seventh floor corridor, I'll brief you then."

"Brief?" They frown in unison.

…

 _Nothing important happened during the day._

Bull. Flitwick started teaching us basic enchantments.

It is wonderful. I enchanted a Knut to have its specular through the fucking roof. Every time I put it underneath sunlight someone goes blind.

 _We're usually the one holding the damn coin, who do you think it affects?_

It's the thought that matters.

I'll need to play around with this more to get some good effects out of it, but the fact that I can make flashbangs with Lumos and pebbles is certainly reassuring, especially since the boss for this year is dangerous because of its sight.

 _We got 5 points from Flitwick for making flashbangs._

We also got 5 points for giving Flitwick (the tiny dwarf of a man) sweet sunglasses.

…

[Night]

…

"Alright, so what's this 'brief' about?" Fred asks once the two of them have arrived in the RoR. "How did you know about this place, anyways? We don't know where this place came from."

"I know things." I reply airily. "Now then. The rope?"

 _It is fortunate that the Room of Requirement was simply a small, nondescript room with a few chairs._

"The two of us can make miles of rope for you to use, Ash. Don't worry about that." George grins. "What's so important?"

Ahem. "As you know, the school has been under intermittent attack from an unknown assailant for the better part of this year."

 _The twins recognize my switch of tone as "business mode", and settle down accordingly._

"Through research, we have established that Hogwarts is currently home to a Basilisk…a rare breed of a Basilisk, no less."

"Holy shit." Fred mutters. "So you need the rope to get into its lair?"

I love smart people. "Exactly."

"What should we do afterwards?" George asks. "You can't possibly expect us to sit back and do nothing while…Harry's involved, isn't he? And Ron?"

"Bugger." Fred breathes.

I nod. "Yeah, they are. If possible I want to keep Ron out of an active combat role, as his wand will be a greater hindrance than a benefit in the battle ahead."

"On it." Fred nods. "What about you and Harry?"

"Harry…will probably be fine. Probably." I shrug. "I plan to set as many traps for the snake as I can and blast it out of existence. Failing that, I'll do whatever I can to take its eyes out before we engage in close quarters combat."

"But if it kills on sight…" Fred wonders. "How do you destroy its eyes?"

I grin. "Muggle weapons. With enough of them I don't need to aim, I just need to shoot."

The two are suitably confused, but seem to come to an agreement after a few minutes.

"Ok then." George nods. "I can think of a few things I can do to make the fight easier."

"Yeah." Fred agrees. "No way am I sitting back for something like this."

"Think of all the money we can make by selling pieces of the Basilisk." George notes with a slowly spreading grin on his face.

The two of them then ascend into capitalist daydream heaven.

I try to bring them back. "Let's worry about killing it before we worry about selling it, yeah?"

I think I failed.

 _Given that we don't have that much information to go on, we end the briefing there and let the twins continue their daydream._

[Next Day]

 _Throughout the year we've been receiving normal people news (usually at the top of every month), and today was no different._

The owl drops a small bundle at my spot on the table and I roll open the fairly thin newspaper.

Let's see here…A1, football…A2, politics…A3, economics, more economics…dating, dating, school, school and money, nothing too interesting.

 _We continue idly flipping through the pages while sipping on our morning tea until we hit A12, and then we freeze._

What?

 _Our brain froze for a moment, before rebooting and letting us reread the story three more times._

I…what?

Shit.

"Are you ok, Ash?" Hermione asks us, as our face has drained of color and we're gripping the paper so tightly it is shaking. Her asking has also drawn the attention of the others sitting around us.

I want to scream expletives, but I can't (not in front of so many kids), so I just slam the paper down onto the table for everyone else to read with as much anger as I can manage.

 _The impact of the paper hitting the table rendered a large portion of the great hall silent._

Nobody saw anything out of the ordinary except Harry, who noticed a small story filling not even an eighth of the paper sitting in the corner.

 _It was titled "Tragedy Strikes Little Whinging."_

.

.

.

{ === + === }

Author Notes: Yep.

This is rapidly becoming one of my favorite stories to write.

 _Because you don't do any planning for it._

I never do any planning for my stories though.

 _It shows._


	8. Chamber of Secrets - Up to Endgame

{ === + === }

So…yeah.

Uh…

This…this is real bad.

This…

Ok, deep breaths. Deep breaths.

The little story in the corner was about none other than our dear Dursleys back in Little Whinging. Namely, how the three of them were found dead in their house with not a mark on their body.

 _The police are ruling it a suicide, as there is no evidence for them to go on._

Regardless of how much we dislike the Dursleys and how little we care for their death on an emotional level, the fact of the matter remains that this is a Very Bad Thing. For one, Harry has now lost the protection given by his blood…six years ahead of time. If I remember correctly, Harry needs to live under the same roof as Petunia until his birthday to continuously gain that protection until he turns into an adult.

 _For another, someone on the other side has as much magical knowledge as Dumbledore._ _Either that, or that someone is at least aware of what blood can do when it comes to magic._

...

Harry is...confused at the news, by the looks of it. On one hand, there's definitely no love lost between him and the Dursleys, but on the other they were the only true family he had left.

 _McGonagall strode down to our spot on the table, likely reacting to the fact that I buried my face in my hands._

Everyone around here quiets down due to the sheer pressure she exerts.

"Is something troubling you this morning, young Ash?" She asks a tad stiffly. "Perhaps too many sweets?"

I chuckle sadly. "If only." I grab the relevant page from the table and hand it over to her. "Bottom right."

I then watch as McGonagall's eyes go from "What is he up to now?" to "Oh we are FUCKED" Within the span of a few lines.

She does manage to collect herself by the time she finishes the piece and avoids causing more harm. "I can see that you care quite deeply for the muggle world, young Ash." She comments levelly. "Quite admirable."

I nod. "I like being aware…professor, could you pass that page onto the Headmaster?"

She understands, but bops us on our head with the paper anyways. "I'll keep that in mind." She says with the barest hint of a smirk. "Don't be late for class now…that goes for all of you."

…

So now what?

That threw me for a loop, and now I'm having trouble thinking.

 _Harry will probably be sent to live with the Weasleys._

But for how long? His relationship with them is no secret, and once people realize that the Great Harry Potter is at the Burrow…

Six years is a long time for shit to go wrong, especially with someone who has no problems acting outside of the normal timeline.

…maybe I can take him to the States?

 _And teach him to lie, cheat, and steal?_

…yeah, that's not going to happen. Not until I can sustain myself without resorting to those things…or at least, without doing those things on a person to person basis.

 _We can open a bank and lie, cheat, and steal on a grand scale._

Funny, but no.

…

 _Note that at this point we are in the History of Magic class and are paying zero attention for the first time in a long time…much to Ron's chagrin, as he depends on us for his homework completion._

…

Damn…ok, one thing at a time. Harry will be taken care of one way or another. I need to be focused on the Basilisk. I can concentrate on finding out who or what took the Dursleys out of the picture when we're free to move around in the summer.

 _If there is still evidence left at the house a month later._

There should be, given that it could still be an active investigation scene at that point…looks like I'll be making a visit to Little Whinging before I head back to the states this time around.

Fred taps my shoulder while we're on our way to the next class. "Did something happen to Harry?" He mutters. "The Boy Who Lived is like a zombie."

…I'm amazed he knows that term. "The Boy Who Lived is going through some hard times right now; do the two of you have some time after class?"

Fred grins. "Do we ever." He then turns serious. "Is it because of what that muggle paper said?"

I shake my head. "Not really…but the sooner we get started, the sooner we'll be done."

"Right." Fred claps my shoulder. "See you after class."

…

[After Class]

…

The three of us (me, Fred, George) congregate at Myrtle's Bathroom.

"Why are we here?" Fred asks with massive amounts of doubt.

"Why are _they_ here?" Myrtle asks with massive amounts of disgust.

"Apologize to Myrtle." I say with massive amounts of sigh.

George seems offended. "How did you know we pranked her in our second year?"

My response: "Because." I sigh again. "Sorry Myrtle, we'll be using the tunnel that we opened up last time."

"Oh! That thing? Can you even find it again?" Myrtle…I think she's staring daggers at Fred. It's hard to tell with her translucency.

Also, "Did you try going into it?"

Myrtle shakes her head. "It wouldn't let me."

…Really now.

"Thanks, Myrtle."

 _She nods happily and goes back to glaring at Fred._

Let's see here…ah ha, snake's right here.

So…uh, what did Harry do?

 _We make a strangled hissing noise and then cough at the end._

This really hurts my throat. Also, I didn't do it right.

George chuckles. "What was that supposed to be?"

"My attempt at Parseltongue." Maybe I didn't hold a syllable long enough? Let's try that again.

 _Second time, still no result._

"It sounds painful." George remarks unnecessarily.

I gag. "It is painful." Third try's the charm!

…Nope. This is really lame.

Myrtle clears her ghost throat. "I believe it sounded more like—"

 _She then mimics what Harry had said perfectly._

"Yeah." I nod as the ring of sinks sink away to reveal a hole in the ground. "You're a genius, Myrtle."

She giggles and…uh.

Ok then.

 _Myrtle floats over to examine the hole into the darkness with us._

Welp. "Fred, rope."

Fred jumps. "Huh? Oh, right." He creates a long and thick rope and magically ties it to every stall and pipe in the bathroom. "Just in case." He grins at my nonverbal question.

"Right…then I'll go first." I transform what I'd like to call a rappel hook from a stone in the ground.

 _It's a glove that lets us slide down the rope at a speed slower than "Break both legs upon landing"._

…

…

Upon landing, I find out that the descent was probably way less dangerous than I gave it credit for. The tunnel curves at the very end so it's like a slippery slide that ends in rodent corpses.

 _Fred, George, and Myrtle join us in short order._

"Why are you coming along?" Fred asks her none-too-politely.

Myrtle, being the disembodied ghost of a teenage girl, just sticks her tongue out at him.

I voice my thoughts. "Wow, this place is way bigger than I thought."

"Yeah." George agrees, holding his lit wand above his head. "Do you reckon that the Basilisk is out?"

Unless Harry decided that he would like having a murdersnake in his possession, "No, it's probably around here somewhere."

"So no looking around like mad, huh?" Fred mutters. "Do you have something planned for this, Ash?"

"Unfortunately no." I sight the massive round gate that separates us from the main chamber. "We're not going deep anyways, though."

"No deeper than this gate?" Fred taps the massive stone Vault gate of engraved snakes. "So what next?"

"Next…" I gesture my wand to the ground. "We set up traps."

George perks up. "Traps? What kind of traps?"

I grin. "Traps of the lethal kind; by the time we're done here the snake won't get to move a foot before we pound it into a million little pieces."

"Er…" Fred's grin is just a _little_ too sympathetic. Is he worried about my head? "And how do we plan to do that…?"

"Well, for starters," I wave my wand, and a small weapon creates itself out of the stone in the ground. "This."

 _Fred and George are stunned._

George gets his voice back first. "Did you ever read that book McGonagall gave you?"

She gave us the second book in the series of anger management books for Christmas. "No, not really." I shake my head. "Besides, this is not anger…this is duty."

Myrtle slides up to me. "Oh my, aren't you the chivalrous type." She coos. For the record: I am disturbed.

"So what should we do, make more of these things?" Fred taps the weapon with his wand.

I…grin. Like a kid who's found the secret stash of everything good in the world. "As many as you can handle."

"I don't like the look of this." George notes. "It's not anything dangerous, is it?"

I take out a blueprint. "If you do it right, it will be just fine."

"This…did you draw this?" Fred reads the label on the blueprint. "Is this a muggle weapon?"

I nod…somewhat. "Well…kind of."

"I thought they were skinnier." George muses. "Our dad once had one of those muggle weapons."

Really now?

"We got into trouble for that." Fred reminisces. "Good times. How many of these do you want?" Fred waves his wand and creates one of the weapons on the walls.

"As many as you can manage. Don't forget the triggers." I make another one.

 _So…_

Yes, the weapons.

They are rocket punches. They are Drill Rocket Punches.

…I don't think I need to explain much more than that.

 _How do they work?_

The rocket punches are made out of stone (because we're making them out of stone walls), and they're propelled by a Repulso charm enchanted into the base of their…thing, the Rocket arm.

 _So…why a rocket punch and not something more practical?_

Because, uh…well, I mean, it's a Rocket Punch. Do we need an explanation beyond that?

 _Yes._

Fine…it's because I'm not sure if demolishing the Horcrux will cause Voldemort to recover memories from it. As far as the canon is concerned, the answer seems to be 'no'. Unfortunately, we're no longer working strictly with canon anymore, and the last thing I need is to clue the big bad in any early than absolutely necessary. I don't want Voldemort to find out that he's weak to a .50 caliber round to the chest until his physical body eats said bullet for the first time.

Plus, it's a fucking Rocket Punch.

…

We continue making Rocket Punches until it's time to leave (Myrtle periodically checks above ground to see what time it is).

Add that to the list of furniture I'll need to bring to Hogwarts: a small clock.

 _…_

The three of us continue this on our spare time (and get a lot practice with opening the chamber's entrance) for the next week.

The rope is really useful, especially for us getting back up the damn slope.

 _Once the rope is removed the tunnel closes up._

It won't close so long as something is obstructing the entrance. I assume it also will open for anyone leaving the Chamber if the entrance closes with someone inside.

…

One day, we run into McGonagall on our trip back to the Gryffindor common room after our latest round of fisting the walls.

 _Sigh._

Why is she here? "Hi, professor. Lovely evening." We're not even at the grand staircase yet. She came after us?

She stops and stares for a few seconds upon seeing the three of us in one place. "I shudder to think why the three of you are together." McGonagall gets what's up. "And wipe that smirk off your face, young man." She chides sternly.

"Sorry, ma'am." I stop grinning. "Rest assured that we can solemnly swear that we are up to no good."

 _Fred gives us a surprised glance that we did not catch._

"I am not surprised in the slightest." She sighs. "You two, back to the common room." She gestures to the twins.

 _Fred and George leave but are utterly confused._

…Really now. I'm amazed they left without a second word, too.

"Professor…what's this about?" I ask her warily when the twins are out of earshot. I also stop myself from going for my wand by reflex.

She looks around. "Headmaster Dumbledore has informed me of information concerning the Dursleys."

Ah. "And the fact that they died…" so… "Are we going to investigate?"

She blinks in surprise. "You're quite sharp, Young Ash. If only your temper wasn't such an issue."

I grin again. "My temper's fine as it is, professor. I know where to point it, anyways. So why am I coming along?"

She…is smiling? "Why do you believe you're going along, young man?"

WELL. "You came here instead of heading directly out of the school to apparate, so it's hard to argue for an accident."

"The Headmaster did ask me to take you along, so don't let it get to your head." She's definitely smiling, though I can't tell if it's benign. "Now come along, lest we have to spend the night at that dreary place."

I salute. "Aye ma'am."

This is convenient. I don't have to worry about the scene being messed with by muggles.

…

So…apparating.

It is a bitch.

Fuck.

It _is_ like being squeezed through a tube.

I think I need to rearrange my bones.

 _McGonagall led us into the forest where we apparated away. Nothing important happened (not even Aragog). Hagrid is still around, too._

…

"Here we are." McGonagall says in a low whisper. "Little Whinging."

Jeez. "This is the most textbook version of suburbia I've ever seen."

"I'm sorry?" McGonagall frowns.

Seriously though: every house is the same, every lawn is perfectly manicured, and were it not for the police tape wrapped around one of the damn houses I would be trying to find the Dursleys via breaking into each house one by one. Isn't there a zoning law that prohibits this kind of construction pattern?

Also, there are still police cars parked outside (what is probably) the Dursley household. I wonder if that means there are still officers in the house even though it's dark out.

"Have no worry." McGonagall reassures us. "It's not the house we're after."

It's not?

 _McGonagall leads us away from the street onto some other road, onto the doorsteps of another cookie cutter house._

Uh…I don't remember this part.

She knocks. "Arabella, we're here."

…who?

 _It's Mrs. Figg…but of course the active mind doesn't remember._

She's a nice old lady. And she has cats…crazy cat lady? Her grey hair feels like crazy cat lady.

"Minerva!" The old lady wails. "Oh thank goodness you're here, come in, come in!"

 _So we do._

I feel like I should know who she is. She has some very pretty cats.

I like cats.

"Arabella, this is Ash." McGonagall introduces me as I go and pet the kitties. "Ash, this is Arabella Figg."

…Oh. That's who it was.

"He's an interesting kid." Figg notes. "I never thought I'd see the day where an introduction leads to comprehension on a child's face."

My poker face is weak, lady. "I wondered why we were here, ma'am." I bow. "Pleasure to meet you."

"Arabella, we're here about the…incident." McGonagall says tersely. "What do you know?"

…

[Exposition]

…

Hoo boy. Let's see.

Figg can only give us a third-person account of the information, and honestly since she wasn't there in person she didn't see much.

…so really I would've gotten better information from dealing with the police.

According to her, the Dursley family was found dead over the weekend in their house.

I sat here for thirty minutes listening to her rambling story for that.

She couldn't search the house due to the presence of the police (by the time she found out that they died the police were already alerted), but according to them there was no signs of a struggle, the bodies had no damage done to them, and the house was properly ventilated (so no gas, either).

Most important part though? The positions of the bodies and their expressions implied that the attacker not only snuck up on the family entirely undetected, but the attack itself was carried out completely undetected.

Granted, the Dursleys weren't the most attentive of families, so the whole 'undetected' business isn't as impressive as it seems. That said, nobody saw a green flash either, so…

Hm. I'm stumped. I want to take a look at the scene of the crime, too…

…

Screw it.

"Where do you think you're going, young man?" Figg demands of me as I hop to my feet.

"Taking a look around." I reply. "That's what I came here for, ain't it?"

 _We leave._

"He's quite rude for a child." Figg observes.

"Dumbledore considers it a 'trait' of his." McGonagall chuckles. "Like Albus said, he's much shrewder than he lets on. It'll be easier to explain why a child is poking around than either of us, too."

…

Let's see here…I can't use magic right now, since I'm…I don't want to test if the enchantment checks for my physical or mental age, and I don't want to alert the police. Either way, no spells.

 _The active mind has forgotten what Dumbledore told him a year ago…can't blame him, really._

I kind of wish I fabricated a fake ID for myself before I came out here, though.

 _Who's going to believe you?_

Hollywood?

…

…

I've been standing outside watching the house for a while, but it doesn't look like I can get in without a good alibi…damn.

 _We go to the nearby park and find a swing to sit on._

Hrm.

This is a pickle.

I really need to plan out my approaches before acting on them first in the future.

 _How many times have we fucked up like that now?_

…

…

There's something moving behind me.

The movement on the grass sounds soft, but whatever it is feels big. I don't want to suddenly turn around and spook it into attacking, so…let's put some distance between us first.

 _We jump off from the swing and move closer to a streetlight._

I also palm my wand just in case. Better to get a warning than to be dead, after all.

Let's see…

…It's a massive, black dog.

…

Gee I wonder who it is

 _Watch your cover._

Fuck my cover, I want him in our corner as fast as possible.

 _The great black dog stares at us leaning on the streetlight._

That being said, how do I actually approach the topic? He might be an ally of Harry, but that doesn't hold true for us as we're a third party.

 _The easiest way would just be to talk to him._

True.

"Yo, Black." I wave to the giant black dog. "How's it hangin'?"

The dog cocks his head. If he turns out to be actually just a Labrador (if a big one) I'm gonna be really disappointed. Good thing it's dark out.

"I don't speak dog, so you'll have to change if you want any news about Harry." I say airily. God I hope he's actually who I think it is and not just a curious Labrador.

 _Fortunately for our pride (and the narrative) the black dog turns into a very shaggy man who looks immensely underfed._

"I take it you're no brat, child." (Probably) Sirius Black growls. "What about Harry Potter?"

Um. "Harry's safe and sound, I guess? Nothing really special has happened to him thus far." Except for the part where he killed a man through touching him, but eh.

Probably Black looks slightly convinced. "What brings you here then? You're obviously a student."

I jerk my thumb to the Dursley household. "That. If you have any useful info I'll be glad to hear it."

He smirks. "You should learn to mind your manners."

"My manners are perfectly fine, Sirius." I grin.

"Should I be surprised that you know my name?" Sirius growls. "What do you want?"

Welp. "Judging by your reactions, you don't know that much about the Dursleys." He nods at my comment. "So first things first, how did you get out of Azkaban?"

…

To summarize, it's pretty similar to what he said to Harry at the end of book three (Dementors suck out happiness, Sirius had something else). I assume this means that even in the canonical timeline Fudge twiddled his thumbs for a few months after Sirius busted out.

On a similar vein of thought, I wonder if that means Dementors can't affect 'hope' or 'resolve'?

"I thought about visiting the place where Harry lives and see what his extended family was like." Sirius continues. "But that doesn't seem to be an option now."

I chuckle. "Well, you didn't miss much. They were assholes."

Siriu's smirk fall a fraction. "So I've heard. Still, why would Dumbledore leave Harry to such bastards as they?"

Woo…he ain't happy.

"The wife of the family shared the same bloodline as Lily." I explain. "There was some kind of magical protection offered to him from that."

"Is there?" Sirius sounds surprised. "Would explain why Albus considered it as a plan otherwise."

Huh. "You don't like Dumbledore?"

"I agree with his thought process," Sirius growls. "But he's certainly not the white knight others think he is."

True that.

"Whose side are you on, anyways?" Sirius asks me suddenly. "You feel like Snape."

 _We blink in surprise._ "The fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"No, huh?" He grins. "You're about as unreadable as he is." Sirius then scowls. "I hope it means you won't backstab us, kid."

"You're worried that a child will kill all of you?" I can't help but grin at that. "Pretty high praise."

Sirius laughs openly, but there's a wild glint in his eye. "I know all about the strength of traitors, Ash."

Hmm…

"He must've really gotten on your nerves, huh? That Pettigrew." God I sound so condescending.

It had the effect though. Sirius's stare is like 100% shock. "How…how did you…" He finally manages to sputter out.

Come to think of it, I haven't seen much of Scabbers since the start of the term. Hmm.

OW ok on second thought that reveal was bad for my health

 _Sirius, in his slightly demented state, jumped and grabbed us by our collar. Also he's tall and we're not, so our feet aren't reaching the ground anymore._

"What do you know of Pettigrew!?" He demands.

Ok breathing is hard "He's a fuckhead. Let me down!"

 _Sirius gets a grip on his sense and does so._

Ack. That really hurt. "I know he's a rat, I know he's at Hogwarts, I know he's on the same side as Voldyfuck, I know he used to be your best buddy. Anything else?"

Sirius is momentarily speechless. "That's…wait, he's at Hogwarts?" He scowls. "I've heard that Hogwarts has been having trouble lately."

Yeah, but it's not because of him. "Fortunately, I don't think he has any sense of danger or duty towards Voldyfuck right now, so all he wants is to…stay…"

Oh…wait.

…

"What's wrong?" Sirius looks concerned.

I…seemed to have made a fucking _huge_ miscalculation. "Son of a bitch." I breathe. "Sirius, on me. We need to move now."

 _Sirius (recognizing the tension in our voice) didn't disobey, and the two of us head back to Mrs. Figg's house at full speed._

I unceremoniously slam open the front door.

"Who the-" McGonagall starts to say before she notices the person behind me. "Black!" Her wand comes out _impressively_ fast.

"Professor, stop." I say quickly, before she can jinx the two of us to atoms. "I can explain on the walk back, but we need to get back to the castle right now."

"Why are you siding with this murderer?!" She demands, her wand still pointed at Sirius's heart.

 _We move to block her line of fire._

"Minerva, I can explain…" Sirius starts to say, but her glare stops him.

"For fucks sake, Professor." I snarl. "We need to move now or someone in Hogwarts is gonna die."

"Watch your tone, young man." McGonagall chides me tersely. "And explain yourself this instant."

For the love of… "Ma'am, I can throw all the exposition you want to hear later…fuck it. Just tell the Headmaster to lock the school down. Sirius, you can apparate, right?"

"With a snap of my fingers." He nods.

"Then take me to the school, time's a wasting."

Sirius shrugs. "You're the boss…but I want an explanation like Minerva does."

 _We land in the Forbidden Forest._

"Bah!" Minerva lands next to us. "You're quite the problem child, Ash."

"Now what's this about?" Sirius asks as I begin the walk back to the school.

Here goes. "Long story short, Ginny Weasley received a diary made by a certain Tom Riddle. The fucker put a bit of his soul into it, and can exert a limited level of control over others so long as you open your heart to it."

"How do you know any of that?" McGonagall demands. Going by her gasp she seems to know about the type of magic involved, if not necessarily the details.

No time. "Later. Through the Diary Tom was able to control Ginny well enough to conduct every attack on the school's populace so far."

"You know some pretty big words." Sirius notes with a hint of a chuckle. "Hard to believe you're a second year."

"Later. The attacks stopped because Harry and I obtained control of the diary. We've kept it stored with us ever since." I continue. "I've been taking the time to troll Riddle every opportunity I get, and I know Harry has been using it to wheedle every last drop of info he can get from the diary."

Sirius frowns. "Won't it possess him?"

"Harry's a smart kid and follows instructions, so I've made sure he knows only to contact the diary for short periods of time." At least I hope he's following my instructions.

"So what's the problem?" Sirius asks.

I really should've remembered this sooner. "Ron Weasley."

"The youngest Weasley boy? Isn't he Harry's friend?" McGonagall sounds shocked. "Why do you suspect him? What do you suspect him of?"

"I don't suspect him, per se." I reply. "Ron has a fundamental problem called self-image."

"Makes him like Peter, you mean." Sirius mutters.

"With his family and his friends, I can certainly understand why he would feel as such." McGonagall agrees. "But I do not believe that makes him suspect."

I nod. "No, it doesn't. The problem is that Ron has a tendency to air out his problems to his fingerless pet rat, and the little guy's a damn good listener." Fucking Scabbers has been entirely under my radar for the whole year. Shit.

…

…

The three of us rush back to the school's main entrance.

 _Technically, it was the two of us with McGonagall following._

We rush into the great hall…it's very, very late. I hope I'm just being paranoid about all of this.

"Oh shit." I mutter. "Professor, go alert the Headmaster. Sirius, on me."

"You have a knack for taking control, I see." Sirius says with a grin. "I'm with you. We're up against a basilisk, right?"

"Yeah, so watch your vision."

"Don't sell me short, boy." Sirius fires off a series of ethereal somethings from his wand. "I am a man…and a Black, to boot."

I assume those things scout for him. Smart.

 _The two of us head for Myrtle's bathroom._

Ugh. My little child body stamina is failing me at this point.

…

We meet Harry and Hermione on the great staircase. Sirius keeps himself hidden with a…whatever charm he's using.

"What's up, guys?" I ask.

"Where were you?" Hermione asks suspiciously.

"McGonagall wanted a field trip." I shrug. "It's late. What are you doing up?"

"Ron's missing." Harry says quickly. "Have you seen him?"

…

Wow, my stomach just went cold. "When was the last time you saw him?"

"An hour ago?" Harry scratches his head. "He went looking for Scabbers and I haven't seen him sense."

It…um.

"We're worried he might be attacked." Hermione says in a low conspiratorial whisper.

…We have the f-actually, the two of them don't actually know about the diary being the tool used for attacks, do they? So their worry is entirely justified.

"He should be fine. Ron's not stupid." I…I almost cracked a grin at that. Sorry Ron. "Go find Fred and George. They're good at finding people, I think."

Hermione doesn't believe me. Harry, against his better judgment, does.

"Well…either way, go back to the common room. Sneaking around at night will just get both of you stoned." I sigh.

"What about you?" Hermione is still in a state of disbelief.

Lady, I am protected by my insanity. Also I actually know what's going on. "I'll be up shortly, no worries."

…

 _Ultimately the two of them leave, because I can occasionally sound like a rational adult and both of them still have a healthy respect for authority._

Despite not looking the part.

"So the Weasley boy's missing, eh?" Sirius recaps softly when we're sure we're no longer in danger of being overhead. "Think that bastard's got something to do with it?"

"Possible, but not probable." I reply. "Does Pettigrew have a history of sharing glory?"

"The greater the glory the less it goes around." Sirius says darkly…but then chuckles. "But I think that was the case for all of us."

Hrm. "In that case, Pettigrew's not going to rope Ron into it unless he absolutely has to."

Given by what I know of his thought process, I'm pretty sure Peter's communication with the diary would amount to something like Peter furiously writing down really inane ass-kissing bullshit.

And then Voldemort would buy it, not because he believes it, but because Peter is just incredibly easy to manipulate if you pandered to his sense of importance.

Which is kind of sad, actually…

 _Either way, we wait around the great hall for McGonagall to finish her report and return._

In retrospect, the idea that Ron's risking his comfortable sleep time to search for his rat is suspect. It's not like Scabbers as a pet was worth much and certainly not to a point where Ron would go searching for it, so…why?

 _Is it possible that Peter took him as a hostage?_

For what gain? In the story proper, Ginny was pretty much a human battery. Ron hasn't taken to the book, and if our dear Tommy had a way to force the Horcrux's soul draining effects he would've done it already. Ron is peripheral in the great scheme of things, because Voldemort is interested in _Harry_ , not his best friend.

Hell, if Tom was looking for vengeance, then it would be me he's targeting. I've made it clear enough to Ron that though he's a good dude we're not exactly friends, so I can't imagine Tom targeting him as a way to getting back at me.

…Hm. Right now, I need to ensure that the diary is still in our possess…someone's coming.

 _Sirius goes back into his hidden stance and we see a small candlelight come around the corner._

That's…Harry? He came back?

"Ash, are you there?" He asks softly.

"Yeah, I'm here." I respond a bit louder and make him jump. "What gives? I thought you went back to the common room."

"I did." He nods. "But the diary is missing."

…Fuck, I say.

"Alright, we're going there, right now." I start moving.

"Where's 'there'?" Harry asks, curious and confused.

"Myrtle's bathroom. We're going down that hole."

…

…

When we arrive, we find Fred and George already in attendance…along with Percy, of all people.

"Our little brother is down there." Fred(George?) says when I frown at him. "I'm sure of it."

"And your older brother thinks the two of you are mental." Percy grunts. "Who in their right mind would attack Ron?"

…is than an insult?

"Look, Perce, just take our word for it this time. You can always just go back to bed." George(Fred?) replies.

Sounds like Percy caught the two of them while they were up and went along with them?

"Ash, you believe us, right?" Fred(I don't care, he's Fred now) implores of us. "I know Ron's down there."

Percy's buying none of it. "What proof do you have?" He folds his arms. "For all I know you're just using Ron's name to get out of trouble again."

"If only they had a map that let them track people." I say as blankly as I can manage.

The twins, predictably, tense.

I pretend not to notice. "I'm here to check on the place, too." I nod to Percy. "Humor us for the next fifteen minutes, alright? Oh, and get something to cover your eyes."

Percy just frowns at us.

"Also." I snap my fingers, and Sirius Black appears from underneath whatever charm he was using to keep himself concealed.

Given that he looks like a murderhobo, I'm not surprised that the three Weasley kids (and one Potter) jumped and recoiled in fear.

…I just realized I can't call him by either his real name or his in-world alias right now, since he'll be an on-the-run criminal come two months from now. Then again I guess it doesn't matter, since we're already working with him.

"This is Sirius. Sirius, these are Weasleys."

 _Sirius bows courteously, if slightly exaggeratedly._

"Oy." Fred is annoyed at my introduction.

I wave it away. "Time's a wasting, we can do the nitty gritty later." I run my hand over the ring of sinks and find the snake again.

A little bit of strangled hissing later, and we have our entrance open again.

"Whoa." Percy and Sirius breathe.

"Rope." I say, and Fred makes the rope and tosses it down the entrance again.

Here's to hoping that we're just paranoid.

.

.

.

{ === + === }

Author Notes:

Somebody made their appearance one book too early.

(Also yay Feb 29th release!)


	9. Chamber of Secrets - Endgame

{ === + === }

.

Weeeee! Oof.

"If only our landing wasn't just a pile of bones, eh?" Sirius groans. "What is this place?"

"A dungeon underneath the castle, I believe." Fred grins. "This is pretty cool, if you can ignore those bones."

"How would a monster like the Beast of Slytherin survive on just rats?" George kicks around a few tiny skulls for emphasis. "Isn't it…I don't know, massive?"

I snap my fingers. "It's probably got a super-slow metabolism. Now stay focused."

"Right…" The two of them nod.

"I never knew something like this was underneath the castle." Percy breathes. "This is incredible…"

"It could do with some better drapes." Sirius mutters. "When do we see our guest of honor?"

 _Our party advances deeper into the chamber._

"If we see it we're going to have some problems." Harry mutters.

Percy catches the fear in Harry's voice. "What are we looking for? Besides Ron, I mean."

"A Basilisk. It kills with its eyes." Harry replies.

"Here we are." I breathe.

We've reached the massive gate that separates the outer chamber from the inner one.

I hold up a hand. "Harry, get that thing to open. Fred, George, get your triggers ready."

"Triggers?" Percy echoes. "What triggers?"

"These." Fred pulls what looks like a flashlight from his cloak.

"Looks like that muggle torch thing dad had." Percy mutters. "What do they do?"

They unleash the rocket punches at the target.

 _Harry hisses at the massive circular stone gate and get it open._

I'm surprised that none of the rocket punches have been accidentally set off…though that's a little worrying in of itself. "Alright, stick to the walls."

 _So how do we stop ourselves from being insta-killed by the eyes?_

I have a spell that detects reptiles. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't…at the end of the day I figure "keep eyes shut and listen to doomsnake" is a good enough alternative. Here's to hoping that I'm right.

"I don't know about you, but I'm terrified." Fred mutters.

I just realized that there's a surprising amount of natural light down here. Wonder why that is?

…

We advance along the massive…what would this place be described as? A tunnel? It's like a stone tunnel made to hold a four lane highway going both ways. It's huge.

 _It's a vault._

What did Salazar do down here, anyways?

Well, either way, we advance long enough down the only way forward until we come to a massive stone face at the end of the wall, much like the movie.

First off: Making a giant face of yourself is incredibly narcissistic, but hiding it in a chamber with incredibly limited access is not really pride.

Second: Ron is lying on the ground next to the black book.

"Ron!" The other four shouts and rush forward.

"It sucks souls, right?" Sirius asks me quickly as he puts a hand on Percy's collar. "That book thing."

 _Fred and George were out of reach._

"This is a trap." I hiss. "Take to the shadows."

"But-" Percy starts to say before Sirius strong-arms him away.

"I know, kid." Sirius replies calmly. "But this is obviously a trap. Stay sharp, and he'll be alright."

 _Spoken from personal experience, it sounds like._

Percy seems to catch Sirius' tone, and settles down accordingly with his wand drawn.

 _So._

 _Big massive hallway:_

 _Stone face is at the northern end._

 _Harry, Ron, Fred, George are in the center._

 _I'm in the southern right corner._

 _Percy and Sirius are in the southern left corner. All three of us are hiding behind statues._

 _…_

[3rd Person Camera]

 _…_

"Ron! Ron!" Harry yells, shaking his best friend roughly.

"Harry! Calm down." Fred says soothingly after giving his youngest brother a basic medical check. "Ron's just asleep."

"Magically, I bet." George points his wand at the wall at random. "Ash! What should we do?"

No response.

"…Ash?" Harry repeats hesitantly, his hand wandering to his wand.

Instead of a reply from the American, rope flew from the shadows and bound the three kids where they stood.

The three of them were surprised and struggled against the magical rope, but the rope only seemed to tie itself tighter with their exertion. Soon enough Fred and George figured that it was in their best interest to avoid struggling for the time being and patiently waited…while Harry struggled himself to a point where he couldn't move anymore.

"Well done, Pettigrew." The three of them hear a young man's voice from the shadows.

"Who's there?!" Harry demands.

"I must admit, I never expected to simply catch you like this, Harry Potter." A wispy, ghost-like Tom Riddle replies, striding to the center of the room. "It was far easier than I had anticipated."

"Amazing plot, really." Fred mutters. "You must've been a genius to plan this far ahead."

It was kind of hard to miss the sarcasm in Fred's voice, and Riddle's smirk widened accordingly. "But of course."

Peter Pettigrew, the short, somewhat fat bastard, sneaks up from the shadows while the three children were tied up and quickly relieves them of their wands.

"Now then…where is your friend?" Tom Riddle smiles. "He certainly wouldn't abandon the three of you to die down here, would he?"

"Eh…" Fred shrugs (to the best of his ability). "He just might."

 _Hey!_ Ash sulks while putting a hand into his belt.

"Some friend." Pettigrew mutters with just a tinge of bitterness.

"I would have loved to speak with him." Riddle laughs. "But it looks like that is far from an option."

"Who are you? What do you want?" George demands.

"Silence." Riddle replies coldly. "I am speaking."

 _What an arsehat._ George rolls his eyes.

"What did you do to Ron?" Harry demands.

"I used him as a lure." Riddle replies evenly. "Though it seems my catch has escaped me. Pettigrew, search for him."

"Yes sir." Peter stammers out, pointing his wand shakily at the darkness.

 _Che._ Ash scowls. _I wish this played out a little differently._ "Wind o-"

"WORMTAIL!" Sirius roars from his hiding place and charges out with the full intent of murder.

Peter raises his wand in response but unfortunately Sirius had learned the sacred skill known as "apply fist to face" and Pettigrew was sent flying down the chamber.

"You little bastard." Sirius growls. "It's high time you got what's coming for you."

 _God dammit, Sirius._ Ash can't help but think. He stayed put though.

"Oh…an old friend of his?" Riddle smirks. "My, Pettigrew, you've been untruthful."

Pettigrew, using either Fred or George's wand, fires a full body curse from his prone position on the ground.

Sirius blocks it with a shield charm. "You've got a little more bite now, Wormtail." Sirius spat. "Did all that crawling around finally give you a spine?"

Pettigrew's response is to squeak in terror and retreat closer to Ash's hiding spot.

"Good deal." Pettigrew hears and spins to face his new enemy, before his wand arm is suddenly blown upwards from a gust of wind.

"Wind of Sleep." Ash casts. Pettigrew's sensitive rat nose knocked him right out.

"Quite impressive." Riddle claps. "You fight with a talent I've never seen before."

…

[1st Person Camera]

…

Ok, now what?

I'm confronting Riddle, but he hasn't established himself as the primary enemy. I need him to talk to Harry properly.

 _That's kind of hard to do when he's out for us._

"It's not talent, Riddle." I reply. "Just foresight."

"Indeed." Riddle nods, but I don't think he actually cared. "Think of all the good you could do…as my equal."

…

Really Riddle, Really?

 _Nobody besides us knows what's going on, but the people who looked could see the look of sheer disappointment on our face._

"Dude." I finally say. "You're literally a diary ghost. Being called 'equal' by you is incredibly insulting."

 _This is the part in the movie where the thematic music completely stops._

"What?" Riddle has a hard time believing what he just heard.

"I'm way beyond just your _equal_ right now, kid." I point out…perhaps a little too crassly.

He's pissed. "It seems as if you've forgotten who you're talking to."

I grin. "Oh no, I haven't. I just don't care."

"You know him?" Fred and Sirius both ask.

"The dude lives in a diary." I point out. "Look, Riddle, just skip to the part where you summon your giant snake and we tear it to ribbons."

Riddle is unamused. "You seem to have forgotten." He draws his name in burning letters in the sky. "Allow me to remind you exactly who you're speaking to."

He does the name rearranging thing.

All in attendance are suitably shocked and horrified.

"Er…wait." I hold up a hand. "So when you introduce yourself, you say 'I am I am Lord Voldemort?'"

"You care about the littlest things." Riddle mutters, though it seems like he's heard that comment before.

"He looks pretty good for someone whose seventy years old." Percy notes. "What's this 'diary ghost' thing, anyway?"

"Don't ignore me!" Riddle barks.

"He's attached to that book thing. It's going to be tough, but if we can destroy it, we can get rid of him." I answer.

 _Harry and Sirius are suitably bewildered. Fred and George on the other hand…_

"I think we can make something that works on the diary." Fred muses. "It's an enchanted book, right?"

"Why not just toss it into a fire?" George asks.

I just realized that I never tried tossing the book into a damn fire. I don't remember if that was ever tried in the original timeline though.

"You seem to believe that you can still leave here alive." Riddle smirks. "Do you realize where you stand?"

I've started concentrating magic power for the inevitable snake, so I just shrug.

Riddle's grin doesn't vanish, and he loudly hisses at something.

…

My god, the idea of someone loudly hissing is like the most anti-climactic thing to face. He went into a hardware store and bought out all of their upper case S letters.

 _Why do we have to concentrate magic power again?_

Through experimentation I came across a serious problem with the Prismatic beam: it was a beam of light. Light can only be as powerful as its base source, and all things considered I'm not that powerful against biological targets.

 _More accurately: by the virtue of us not being a trained soldier or a homicidal maniac, we will unconsciously reduce the power of the beam when facing live targets._

Against something as naturally terrifying as a giant basilisk I'm considering terror induced power drops as a given. So, collecting extra power.

 _But how are you concentrating power?_

Uh…magic?

 _But_

Shh pay attention to the plot

 _…fine. We hear a rumbling that seems to be all around us._

"Hoo…that's not good." Fred mutters while shaking off the cut pieces of magical rope around him (Percy cut them free). "Ash? Do you have a plan?"

Blast them to pieces? I'm concentrating.

"Move away from that face." Sirius orders. "Keep your eyes closed and your ears open!" He then tosses the wands he retrieved from Pettigrew back to the kids.

 _He also glared at Pettigrew's sleeping body for a few seconds before apparently making a decision he wasn't happy with._

Sirius revives Pettigrew.

"On your feet, Wormtail." Sirius orders as Pettigrew groans back to life. "Or you'll be eaten."

"S-Sirius…" Pettigrew gasps.

"It's coming!" Harry yells before turning around to face away from the giant stone head.

"Front and Center, Ash!" Sirius yells a few seconds later, with the last word of his warning eaten up by the Basilisk's warcry.

On the plus side, I now know his mouth is open. "Eat shit and die!" I roar.

 _Three layers of prismatic lens align and we fire a ray bright enough to turn everyone blind._

Judging by how much yelling there is we might've actually turned everyone blind.

Well, everyone except the ones who had their eyes open.

So basically just Wormtail and Ghost Riddle, but since Riddle is a ghost, just Wormtail.

 _And the basilisk?_

…

[3rd Person Camera]

…

Ash collapses to his knees after firing his prismatic ray.

"Bloody hell, Ash." Fred mutters. "Nothing could survive that." His eyes are still closed.

"It takes more than just bright light to defeat my basilisk!" Riddle yells towards the wall, away from where Ash actually was. "You may have blinded him, but it takes far more than just a parlor trick to defeat the Beast of-"

Ash, inherently distrustful of Riddle's claims that the snake that can kill with its eyesight has lost said eyesight, didn't both opening his eyes.

Instead, he yelled "Fred! George! Triggers!"

The two of them were surprised by Ash's yell but caught on fast enough. They activate their triggers and flatten themselves on the ground.

"Sirius! Perce! Hit the deck! Now!" Ash yells next while dragging Harry to the floor.

Sirius obliges well enough (taking Percy down with him) and they leave Wormtail and Ghost Riddle standing in confusion.

For a second, nothing happened.

And then the dungeon sky…airspace…filled with a thousand rocket-propelled stone drill-fists (some of which turned into smaller fists upon impact per George's imagination) and all of them flew towards the general direction of the basilisk currently reeling in pain.

"What in blazes?" Ghost Riddle, who was unharmed by the flying fists of fury, exclaims.

Wormtail was small enough and knew how to get out of the way and was thus mostly unharmed.

The Basilisk got its face punched in repeatedly by fast moving drill-tipped fists.

 _Unfortunately Ash couldn't figure out how to get the drills to work like drills._

…

[1st Person Camera]

…

Did I get it? Did we get it?

Is it dead?

 _Open your eyes and find out?_

Fuck no.

Uh…

Cast…detect light.

 _What?_

I use a spell to pick up reflected light (while casting a light source as well). It's about the best reptile-detection technique I can think of.

… _You do realize that this isn't a videogame with shiny specular maps, right?_

Yeah, yeah…it does work pretty well, though. I'm picking up a vaguely snake-like shape in front of me, and judging by the shape of the hole its mouth is open.

…Based on the twitchy movement pattern of the beast, it's taken quite a lot of damage and is stunned…

"You bastard! How dare you injure MY pet?!"

…or Riddle could offer commentary. That works too. I don't necessarily trust him, but as a generically evil bad guy he's all about the chewing the scenery and less about making said chewing work for him.

 _Whatever that means._

I have one last little trick left to play. Too bad this one requires a dancing buddy, though. "Sirius, you there?"

"Yeah." I hear in reply, followed by a low groan. "Goodness, Ash. You're quite violent for a boy." I hear two footsteps, so he's probably on his feet now.

"Can you get ready to cast? We need to finish the monster first." I ask him.

"It's a tad hard to do that with my eyes closed." Sirius chuckles. "Just my arm is fine, right?"

"Yeah, it's fine." I reply. "I can aim it; just do what I tell you."

"You're a tad young to be a boss, don't you think?" Sirius levels his wand somewhe…forward. It's pointing directly forward.

Let's see…

"Whoa." He murmurs as I begin directing his arm with wind. "Where did you learn how to do this?"

"Magic." I reply automatically (and get a sigh from Fred and George as a result). "Ok, target marked. Sirius, make a spear or something and throw it as hard as you can on the same trajectory as your arm."

"NO!" Riddle yells, utterly ineffectual in his ghost-like state…or he could use parseltongue and warn the snake, that works too.

"Yes." Sirius says flatly, pleasantly, and simply, and fires something heavy at the Snake.

We hear some savage hissing, I see the snake head image thrash about as best as it could in its death throes before it stops moving.

…

It…its dead now, right?

Riddle?

"How…how _dare_ a mere mudblood…" He says in a voice full of cold rage.

So I'm guessing the snake's dead as shit now.

 _And then we open our eyes and find out that the Basilisk can kill us even when it's dead. GG._

No.

Looks like Sirius opted to go for the thorough route. There's a massive stone pillar (I assume with a sharpened spike) nailing the Basilisk's open mouth to the stone face, and a myriad of smaller stone spikes all over its face, with quite a few of them perforating the eyes.

Shame, really. I would've liked to study the eyes later.

Riddle's just standing there utterly livid…

…how's he maintaining physical form? None SHIT

"PETER!" I roar.

 _Though Sirius picks up on my shout and wheels around, the little guy's long gone._

Son of a bitch.

"You won't hear the last of me, mudblood." Riddle spits at me. "I'll see you dead." He then fades from existence.

I assume, since I don't see a little black book lying around, that Pettigrew took the damn thing.

Shit.

Hmm…this would've resolved better had I not involved, I imagine. Oh well, what's done is done.

 _Also, take note of the Basilisk's teeth._

What?

"Well, Pettigrew fucked that up for us." I sigh. "Can you carry Ron, Prefect?"

Percy blinks in surprise. "Uh…yes, of course." He glances at the basilisk corpse. "Is it alright to leave that there?"

"We're not carrying a giant dead snake through the castle." I reply tiredly…it's pretty late, isn't it? "Besides, our mission objective is complete, we're going home."

…

 _As we make our way back up the tunnel we realize…two things._

One: it's awfully nice of Pettigrew to leave our rope uncut.

Two: I just realized that since the Basilisk wasn't technically attacking us his teeth would thus not be coated in venom. Ergo I would need to dig out its venom sacks if I want to make use of the venom in the future.

Two and a half: I should research into the venom and see what I can find out about it. We've actually got a little while to go before the school year ends, too…

 _While everyone left, no one noticed the little ratty mass huddled in a dark corner of the Chamber of Secrets with a small black book by its side._

…

[Later]

…

So apparently Fred and George could not keep a secret and now everyone knows I punched a giant basilisk to death a thousand times.

I think they were trying to hide the fact that we had unknowns in the dungeon with us, but…their method of hiding the truth has some issues.

 _To hide a tree, burn it to cinders._

Sigh.

So this means I'm now the center of attention, which is good for Harry, since he gets to live like a normal person for once.

It also means that I "accidentally" Fus-Ro-Dahed my way past a gaggle of first years blocking my way to class. I didn't think that through too well, because now I'm a monster killer with a fearsome voice.

Fortunately, I…annexed, the Chamber of Secrets, so now I have a place to hide.

Myrtle also took up residence in the Chamber. She's disturbingly clingy.

 _Ron was shaken but otherwise fine. He's a bit miffed at the loss of his pet rat though._

Harry promised to buy him a new pet but he steadfastly refused.

…

Well, this is ultimately an egocentric story, so let's get on with it.

Concerning the basilisk:

I reported the corpse to Dumbledore, and he seemed genuinely surprised that his castle had a doomsnake inside it. He knew that something dangerous was operating either in or around the castle after the last time the chamber opened, but he didn't know exactly what it was.

 _Then again, if the castle is magical and shifting constantly it's easy to understand how Dunny would've missed the carefully hidden doomsnake._

I feel like the only reason we were able to kill it so easily (and by extension how Harry would've been able to kill it so easily in the normal timeline) was because the snake has been starving for the past fifty years.

Anyways.

The corpse itself is being handled by Hagrid after its venom sacks have been removed and stored carefully for further examination. Snape took one, I took the other.

 _Winner's rights._

So.

Basilisk Venom.

…

It's overhyped.

...

Or, more specifically…

Actually, let's back up for a second. I asked Snape to do the basic assessment for me since he knows potions and magical lore much better than I do…plus, he has more access to supporting gear than I do.

Professor Snape, quite happy at getting his hands on something as rare as Basilisk venom, sullenly agreed to do the examination.

Alright, now we can list things out.

First off, Basilisk venom is actually not that venomous. By itself it acts as a mild neurotoxin, capable of causing labored breathing as the strongest symptom. Thus, the immediate danger of the venom comes more from the fact that the Basilisk's teeth deals more damage and causes death by bleeding.

 _It's kind of like a cat in that sense: a cat releases some kind of toxin upon bite that paralyses its prey, but since cats hunt small animals the bigger danger is the fact that, say, a cat biting into a small mouse would involve the cat penetrating the mouse's body entirely with its fangs._

Note that the part about kitty venom is hearsay, and I don't remember where I heard it. Point is: big sharp teeth make big bleeding ouchies.

Thus, what makes basilisk venom incredibly dangerous is its ludicrously high magic concentration. Like…it's the equivalent to having a plutonium reactor injected into your body. It sucks.

 _We obviously have no way of verifying our comparisons._

That extreme magical concentration is what causes the damage…and now we go into 'weird magical bullshit' territory. To the best of Snape's examination and the documentation I've been able to find (and after doing some really tenuous extrapolation because magical documentation is horrendous) basilisk venom is 'magically destructive'.

I don't know if there's a technical term for it and I don't know enough chemistry to break the venom down for further study, so that's about all I know of it. I could send it to a lab or something for further testing, but that causes its own problems and puts me on the ministry's radar, so…meh.

So far as I can tell it's not possible to separate the non-magical portion of the poison from the magical part, so the information is only interesting from an academic standpoint.

Second, the venom is impossible to reproduce by any means except from the body of a basilisk. The natural magical concentration is way too high for any human (Dumbledore included) to attain. When the venom comes into contact with a Horcrux the high concentration magic of the venom just blasts the soul thingie to smithereens.

 _Plus the whole 'magically damaging' bullshit._

I assume this is why Fiendfyre is effective against Horcruxes as well: difference in magical concentration.

So this makes me wonder…would it be possible to craft anti-Horcrux munitions if we had the ability to concentrate magic power in high enough density? Obivously we can't make it as good as the venom, but if we could get an idea of how to measure the concentration value…

 _Given how difficult FiendFyre is to learn and control…_

…the odds of us figuring out how to make the bullet through trial and error is literally impossible.

Speaking of Fiendfyre, it's also a spell that requires immense concentration to cast.

 _Tangent time!_

I didn't look too deeply into it, but Fiendfyre is basically a semi-active radar guided missile. The caster needs to have full concentration of it at all times and all of that concentration needs to be focused on killing its target. The instant the caster loses concentration the spell will slip and the caster needs to refocus to regain control.

I don't think we'll dive down this particular rabbit hole, since the counter to Fiendfyre (as casted by, say, Crabbe) would literally be something loud and annoying, followed by, say, a high-velocity bullet to the head.

 _In other words, the protection against Fiendfyre would literally be a handgun and Nyancat._

Sheesh.

 _Tangent over!_

Back to the basilisk. I don't have a particular use for the rest of it, so it's being taken off the castle and sold to prospective apothecaries, with all profits going to the castle.

"You didn't want _any_ of the money." Ron had commented with total disbelief. "Must be nice to be so rich."

I didn't feel like dealing with the fallout of telling him about my financial situation, so I just shrugged and moved on. Truth is, having magical money for me would actually be dangerous right now, as I have no place to store it.

 _Gringotts?_

I don't know if the place collects interest.

 _Seriously…_

Come to think of it, does the magical world deal with inflation at all?

 _Better question is, what's the economical link between the magical world and the real one._

…I wonder how Mrs. Weasley shops for groceries…though it's probably done at a conventional market. What's the exchange rate between a galleon and a pound? Where does the traded gold go? You can't transfigure food, right? So where're the staples like flour coming from?

 _So does this mean the Weasleys have a real bank account?_

Hmm…

 _We're also assuming that the Magical world doesn't have its own dedicated economics system._

True.

 _The tangent ended several lines ago, mind you._

Oh, right.

…

Concerning the Chamber of Secrets. I plan to remodel it into something more fitting for a base of operations and workstation…the plan is still in its infancy though.

For the time being I'm just working on restructuring the place so it's not just a giant hallway with a face at the end.

…

I also found Basilisk eggs.

 _They were just chicken eggs though. Grade A, two dozen._

We gave 'em to the castle house elves.

…

[End of Year]

…

"I haven't seen you at breakfast since you killed that snake." Harry says with surprise.

"Yeah? I've been pretty busy." I yawn. "I never thought remodeling would be so hard."

I just have the house-elves deliver food to the Chamber while I'm down there. They were initially reluctant until I reassured them that the murdersnake was, in fact, no longer there.

 _We pretty much spend every waking hour in the chamber at this point, except when we need to attend classes._

Flitwick and McGonagall gave me 50 points for killing the giant serpent.

Snape gave me 10 for bringing him a Basilisk venom sac.

Percy, Fred, George, and Harry all got 25 apiece from Dumbledore for their heroic rescue of Ron.

We all got 10 for finding the Chamber of Secrets.

 _…and?_

And…

Dunny gave me 300 for "Outstanding Services to the School" for killing the snake, 100 for "Outstanding Services to the Wizard Community" for the basilisk corpse and the hastily written paper on basilisk venom (per Snape's prodding, no less), and an extra 100 for "Demonstrating the Spirit of Hogwarts" by giving the money from the basilisk to the school.

And then he gave me an additional 50 because I split the reward money from the paper with Snape.

In other words, Dumbledore just bought like a theatre full of spotlights and shone them all in my direction and now I can't go anywhere without being bothered.

 _In other words, until this issue blows over it'll be impossible for us to leave the country undetected._

McGonagall was beaming so hard and all I felt was annoyance. Bah.

Lockhart also tried to get me into a book deal. I know enough about him to know that it was a shitty idea.

Lockhart's also quitting the job, though I don't remember the reasons.

…I think the one good thing right now is that since I'm constantly swarmed by people I'm in less danger from having Lockhart suddenly sneak up and try to blow my memories out.

Not that it can't happen, mind.

 _He tried about a week after we left the Chamber. Though he's certainly skilled with memory charms, he can't out-cast our sucker punch + wind of sleep combo._

It's the most practical thing I have, I think. It takes me about 0.2 seconds to shoot a sucker punch at a wand, and 2 seconds to fire a wind of sleep.

…

Now for the big one: Sirius.

I've had a chat with Dumbledore concerning Sirius Black.

Sometime between the end of the fight and right now, Dunny received a letter from the Ministry of Magic concerning Sirius's escape from Azkaban.

"I imagine that he was in attendance in your battle against the basilisk?" Dumbledore had asked.

"Yep. Were it not for him we would've been much worse off." I nod.

"I see…" Dumbledore sighs. "I must apologize for the current attention you're receiving, young Ash."

I laugh. "It is a little annoying, but it's better than…well."

 _We stopped short of mentioning the event and Sirius in name just in case if some of the portraits were connected to the ministry._

"I understand." Dunny nods sagely. "It seems that next year there will be undue consequences for the school, now that Sirius Black is on the run."

Murmurs from the pictures.

"Ain't that a hoot." I mutter. "I just hope the ministry doesn't go overboard."

"Considering who is at danger…who _might_ be at danger, it is entirely probably that they will." Dumbledore nods. "I want you to promise that you will…uh…be more careful, next year."

Are they planning to send out Dementors already…? "Aye aye, sir." I say with a salute. "It's a bit of a non-sequitur, but can I stay at Hogwarts over the summer?"

Dumbledore looks at me with a twinkle in his eye. I avoid the gaze. "While I understand that you have an immense undertaking currently in progress, Hogwarts does not support students in the summer."

Darn.

 _He pokes our brain about the diary we found for a few minutes afterwards._

 _…_

Before I left Dunny's office though, he got my attention one last time. "Again, young Ash, I'd like to formally apologize for placing you in the limelight."

I had to think on it for a bit before I figured it out. "It makes Harry's summer a little easier, right? I'm ok with it."

…

Well, in the end Sirius still has to be on the run. We (I) can't provide any information to help him until his escape is at least 'official', because Fudge's incompetence knows no bounds.

I've suggested to him that he at least escape overseas for the summer, but he seems to have other plans in mind.

Mm…oh well. He's smart and resourceful, so it shouldn't be too bad.

"You alright there?" Ron asks and brings me back up to present time.

 _We were just sitting there not doing anything._

"Yeah." I say blankly and dig into the food.

He doesn't believe me.

…

What other notable things happened?

Uh…

Oh!

Right.

We met Malfoy Senior, as he wanted to do a tour of the school to ensure that the doomsnake is actually gone. "To ensure the safety of the student body, we should not leave things to chance", as he put it.

In my month of construction I removed the original entrance (via blowing it up) and replaced it with one of my own. In other words: instead of it being a hidden entrance it's now just a hole in the ground with a pole sticking out.

 _We probably should add some kind of security to the entrance at a later date._

Our current form of front-door security involves just the 'out-of-order' sign on the bathroom.

Either way, this is another point of divergence: because I lost the diary we had no evidence to actually pin it on Malfoy Senior, which might not be that bad of a thing in the long run.

Also, through careful manipulation and masterful deception, we were able to free Dobby despite the lack of hard evidence.

 _In other words…_

…I made a fake Riddle's diary and had Harry put a sock in it. I then gave it to Malfoy Senior and said "this is a replica of what we believe is the culprit of the issue."

He…just threw me a dirty look and then tossed it aside for Dobby to catch and emancipate himself with.

As a tangent, I wonder about the rate of accidental house elf freedom if all it takes for them to be free is for the master to accidentally leave around a piece of clothing. Does that mean house elves can never do laundry?

 _They can never have alternative outfits either, I guess? Since giving them an article of clothing is considered freeing them._

So…can they be accidentally un-freed or something? I dunno.

House elves are weird, Dobby is weird.

Malfoy Senior tried to kill us.

Despite hearing from the ENTIRE SCHOOL that we killed the Beast of Slytherin.

 _It didn't end well for him._

Dobby didn't move to protect my life though, so I had to do the morally upstanding thing of shattering the man's wand into his arm.

…

…

 _We done?_

We're done, only a few last notes left.

Number one: Harry has been unofficially adopted by the Weasleys and will be spending time with them over the holidays. Per the situation, the security around the Burrow has been greatly increased.

Number two: Mrs. Weasley extended an invitation to us as well. We couldn't rightfully refuse as her invitation was given while she had us in a smothering hug that could've easily turned into a chokehold.

Which meant that Number Three: I had to get Sirius to act as my guardian so we could move away from the Burrow after a few days.

…

So what are we going to do about Peter? If he gives his…whatever it is, to the little black book we could easily be looking at a situation where we have two Voldemorts alive at once.

 _I wonder if that means that the other Horcruxes share the same life-draining ability?_

Only if you open up to it, right? It's kind of hard to intentionally share the innermost secrets of the soul with something that doesn't talk back.

That being said, I don't think Peter is the kind of person who would actually share his secrets, so we should be ok there.

 _What if the Diary asks to be planted elsewhere?_

Hmm…

At the end of the day, the question is: can we risk letting Peter go free for a year while he knows about what's going on? Can we leave the diary alone while Riddle knows what's going on?

Moreover, there's Voldemort's main body still out there somewhere.

…

I can't help but feel like I've won the battle but lost the war here.

 _He thinks, while Arthur Weasley drives his family plus us back to the Burrow._

.

.

.

{ === + === }

Author Notes:

Ever had that moment where you woke up and had to convince yourself that you did, in fact, wake up in reality?

I'm not sure what to make of my psyche now that it's happening often.


	10. Prisoner of Azkaban - Prep

{ === + === }

So.

Before we get started, there's another point of difference between mine and the canonical timeline I should note.

The Flying Ford Angela did NOT go into the Forbidden Forest. Instead, it's now back at the Burrow.

This is a touch terrifying because I don't know why it's here. There's a hole in the back window where the Whomping Willow tried to spear Harry and Ron, but apart from that it seems to be in normal working condition.

"It wouldn't let me replace that window." Arthur Weasley had explained when I asked about the car. "I don't know why."

 _Our question was actually "How did that car come back?"_

Arthur seems to treat that car like a family pet, so I guess he considered its return to be natural.

Anyways.

…

[The Few Days We Spent at the Burrow]

…

Obviously skimming over this since I spent…what, a week? At the Burrow.

Much as I like the Weasleys, Molly really was too smothering for my liking. Great mother, sure, but…a little old for that.

So.

Harry was unofficially adopted into the Weasley household, so the entire family was there for the week.

I made friends with Arthur considering my status as a "scientist."

I may have also accidentally convinced Arthur to put hydraulics on his car by comparing the performance of said hydraulics with a puppy.

Molly threw a massive party for Harry.

I skipped most of it. Ron mentioned offhand to Molly that I was a bit of a loner type, and she, the understanding soul that she is, left me alone to my own devices.

 _She may have also been trying to quarantine us from her family, as we do have a reputation for violence._

That too.

 _So what were you doing skipping the party?_

Reflecting; there were some decisions I made at the end of the school year that didn't make sense to me.

 _Like the money?_

The money was a calculated decision as I can do without wizard money for the most part. Petty theft (of the muggle variety) covers my living expenses if I need to go out onto the streets again and second hand school materials are cheap enough.

What I need above all else is muggle money. Like…I need literally all the muggle money, preferably in shiny briefcases being carried by sharply dressed men in black. I'm pretty sure I need so much money that the wizard world will collapse if I tried to convert galleons to USDs.

Besides, the wizard money is well spent.

 _Even though you gave it all away?_

Yep. Basically, I bought reputation with the wizard money. Obviously it came with the side effect of illuminating my actions for a while, but so long as I can maintain good standing in the wizarding community, eventually they'll look the other way while I do my business. This means it will be a lot easier to get myself special exemptions for, say, flying a few A-10s over Hogwarts sometime during the last year of school.

 _In other words, we're trying to establish the protection-by-fame that Dumbledore has for ourselves, even if it's going to be a smaller effect._

…Besides, it's not as if I actually gave away _all_ the money. Stashing a small amount to buy wizarding school supplies (and only school supplies) is a no-brainer.

…

The bigger issue is Pettigrew, or rather, my treatment of the Pettigrew problem.

Looking back, I'm not quite sure why I thought he escaped before we did. I had no evidence to prove that he did. It was entirely possible that he was hidden in the Chamber and waited until we left.

 _We did go back and check, mind you._

Yeah. Myrtle didn't see anything resembling a rat with a notebook, but given that it's Pettigrew Plus Riddle Powers I won't be surprised if they used an illusion charm or something.

…My problem is: why did I believe in his escape with such conviction that I only got around to asking Myrtle to help explore a day before school ended? I mean…sure, I procrastinate, but waiting for a month to find a solution is a bit much for me.

 _Easy answer: The diary had an effect on us._

The Chamber's lighting wasn't bad, but it did cast a lot of shadows. Peter could've hidden in any of those spots. While it would have been too much work to search every nook and cranny for him, I'm surprised that I didn't even bother setting a trap before I left.

Again, granted, I'm a civilian, I don't have formal training regardless of how hard I'm trying right now, and I most definitely had tunnel vision when the snake showed up. Still, I should be…should have been…aware enough of my mission conditions to the point where I could've avoided those amateur mistakes.

 _And yet we did._

Which brings up a pretty uncomfortable point: I'm not Harry, I don't have the same types of protection he does. If I have been affected by the Horcrux in some form, will I be able to detect and combat those psychological changes at all?

If the answer is no, then we have some problems.

 _Ron recovered from his Horcrux effects well enough._

Yeah…hm. Ron was 17 or 18 at the time, so if we're talking about mental defenses given by age then I should be fine…then again, I'm a weak little muggle, so that has to factor into it somehow…

Ugh. I need to do more research. If my actions are in danger of being compromised then I need to be aware of how to combat it eventually.

…

Tangent time: Harry's blood protection wears off this summer.

The story of Sirius Black's escape from Azkaban hasn't broken yet.

I suppose I should be happy that Dumbledore seems to be the only person who knows of the defenses as provided by Harry's blood, but at the same time…

Wait, shit. Back up.

Canonically the baddies didn't bother making a move on Harry until his defenses wore off and Voldemort came back.

 _Side note: we keep misspelling Voldemort as Vodelmort, which, for some reason, reminds us of Harvest Moon._

It should be inferred then that the only reason the baddies went after Harry was because the…actually they never stated if Harry's house was under ministry oversight. It probably was.

Anyways, at this point in my timeline the Dursleys are actually Dead As Shit™, which means that there's someone out there willing to make a move against the Dursleys ahead of time, which means that the Weasleys run a very real risk of being killed for their actions.

Unfortunately the Dursleys aren't the best measure of combat effectiveness, so I have no idea how strong their attacker was. The Weasleys should be able to handle anything up to a moderately threatening enemy, so I'm actually not too worried about that.

 _Besides, anything legitimately threatening will be beyond our combatable scope, too._

The actual problem comes from the fact that…well, now that Harry's lost his blood protection, what kind of defenses will Dumbledore consider if "Let's use Dementors" was his action during the original timeline?

 _Dumbledore_ _didn't do that though, the ministry did._

Same problem, different boss.

…Here's hoping that the ministry will stay out of my way at school.

 _So was work all you did at the Weasleys?_

Molly's a little too forceful for that. Sure, she kept a closer eye on us than normal, but for the most part we got to enjoy a little time off.

I ended up playing a little Quidditch.

 _How did that go?_

…Bad. I have Harry's enthusiasm for flying but none of the talent. Considering how many hours I've logged on a broom I can safely say that Hermione, the worst flyer among the three, is better than me.

I'm a pretty good Chaser though.

…

Oh, right. I also got to meet Luna in an official fashion.

"How did you know Luna lived around here?" Ginny had asked very suspiciously when I brought up the subject.

"I had a hunch" was my answer, complete with my mischievous grin.

Ginny had hung around the twins (and us) long enough to know that my grin was my way of saying "I have my reasons and I will not share them" so she just pointed me in the right direction.

 _She didn't go with?_

Harry was in the Burrow. She wouldn't have left even if a nuke fell on the building…though she'll never stay in the same room as him. It's cute, if a tad strange.

 _So how did Luna react to you literally showing up at her house unannounced?_

Erm…her father was obviously also in attendance, so I just kind of hung around the house for two hours listening to their far flung stories. At least she didn't seem to be hostile, so that was good.

 _Why did you visit Luna?_

…beyond "hey Luna's a supporting character she's probably important" I had no actual reason.

…well, ok, I had one reason.

After four days, the Weasley household's friendliness is a bit overwhelming. I grew up with a lot of personal freedoms and I like my peace and quiet, so having some place as loud as the burrow without the ability to leave and do my own thing strains on the nerves a bit.

…

Eventually Sirius showed up (dressed per my instructions: single-color T-shirt, clean pants of some grayish color, fuckin' awesome shades) and claimed us as our "guardian".

I was more than ready to leave, so the Weasley Parents didn't pry too hard into Sirius's past. I feel a little bad about giving them the impression that I wasn't happy with their hospitality, but I've made it as clear as I could that I enjoyed alone time, so hopefully they understand that it was just my preference, not a fault of theirs.

…

[Rest of the Summer]

…

So, Sirius's place.

I was not expecting Grimmauld Place to be a townhouse.

I mean, it's a pretty place, but for fucks sake what kind of big evil family lives in a townhouse? Like, what, Daddy Black went "well I need to go torture some muggleborns but I need to pick up the wash from the cleaners before they close." The house doesn't even look all that Black on the outside, either.

Welp. "I wasn't expecting such an obviously evil house." I deadpan and wait for his reaction.

"And I wasn't expecting such a cheeky brat." Sirius smirks. "And yet, here we are."

I take in the drab interior of the entryway. "That being said, it looked pretty muggle on the outside."

"Is that a descriptive term now?" Sirius asks lightly. "Never thought I'd be back here after all this time." He adds to himself in a low tone.

Two years earlier than expected…sorry, Sirius. "So I guess we should take stock first, right?"

"Stock?" He's confused by my abuse of language. "Oh…yeah, we probably should. Not much in the larders...KREACHER!"

 _Crack_

Hello, you unfortunate little traitor.

The old little House Elf bows low while muttering furiously against Sirius.

Sirius made something akin to an introductory sweep of his arm. "Kreacher." He finally said (a little shamefully) after a moment.

"Yo." I wave.

Kreacher takes one look at my face and immediately goes into his rant. "The young master invites a mudblood into the most noble—"

"Welp, let's see." I ignore Kreacher entirely. "Does this house have electricity?"

Sirius seems taken aback with how I'm ignoring the recital of insults going on at my feet. "What's that?"

So no, then. Hrm. I can't invite an electrical crew into the house either, given all the weird shit that's in the house.

 _So we have to do it ourselves?_

Eh…I'll probably die trying to lay down lines, so let's not.

 _Kreacher has moved into parental insults._

He's pretty creative, actually. "Well, that's fine; do you buy muggle food?"

 _Kreacher has a heart attack at the idea that muggle food would dare grace the Black Household, so much so that he momentarily stops talking._

"I don't think he would prepare it." Sirius growls at Kreacher, who seems to regain his good mood and continues his tirade. "It doesn't bother you? What he's saying, I mean."

"Meh." I shrug. "I lived on the internet."

Sirius has no idea what I mean, but he makes an expression of comprehension anyways.

 _Kreacher is starting to use some obscure words we don't recognize._

"Let's spend the day getting settled in, then." I offer. "We can worry about what to do next afterwards."

"Sounds like a plan." Sirius shrugs. "Do you drink?"

I'm thirteen. "No."

"Shame." Sirius grins. "You're much older than you appear, right?"

"What makes you say that?" I reply lightly, though a touch too slowly for my liking.

"Your judgment calls aren't what I would consider 'made by children'." He laughs. "Either you're a genius or you're an old man in a young body."

…that just sounds wrong, for some reason? "I can't be a genius?"

That smirk doesn't leave his face. "You're not annoying enough to be one."

"Well, whatever floats your boat." I shrug. No point revealing it unless absolutely necessary.

 _Kreacher is now starting to quote the Old Testament while selectively replacing pronouns._

That is very impressive, if a little heretical. He could do the writing for a new Shin Megami Tensei game.

…

…

"So, what are your plans for the summer?" Sirius asks me after we had dinner.

"First things first, we hunt down Pettigrew, and that book he was carrying." I reply immediately. "At the very least we need to get that book, though."

Sirius is using a chicken bone as a toothpick. "It's that bad, huh? Is it a Horcrux?"

I frown. "How…yeah, yes it is."

Sirius gives a good-natured shrug. "You're underestimating how dark a Black is." He stretches.

…I was gonna ask 'How could you have forgotten' but hey, whatever works.

 _To be fair Horcruxes might not be the only thing that can suck souls._

Yeah. "So we need Fiendfyre or something equally dangerous to kill it."

"That's Regulus's pot, not mine." Sirius tosses his toothpick into the trash. "And I'd rather not dabble into that if I can help it."

"Fair enough." I don't have the standing to force him to learn it as I'm not Harry. "We can think of something to kill it after we get our hands on it. Any ideas on where Peter might go?"

"For all of his timidity, Wormtail's got a thing for fame." Sirius says with a hint of bitterness. "So he will go wherever that diary tells him, and nowhere else."

…which means preciously little, as Ghost Riddle is likely…actually, back up for a second. The Diary was in the Malfoy household for a while, right? So it's entirely possible that someone has been updating Riddle Diary with data.

 _A while being something like decades…it could've been Malfoy Junior, maybe?_

Somehow I can see Lucius making Dobby do it, but then Dobby would've had a reaction when he got the book in his hands, so meh.

Either way. "I guess that means we need to poke around and see where Voldemort the child would go." I sigh. "Fun times."

"Beats sitting in this house." Sirius shoots up to his feet. "I have some places I'd like to start looking into."

"Cool. Let me know if you find anything." I reply with a shrug.

Sirius is confused, and rightfully so. "You're not coming?"

"I'm famous now." I stand up and gesture to myself. "You're going to be hunted pretty soon. If the two of us are seen together…"

"…then something bad is going to happen at Hogwarts this term, right?" Sirius nods in understanding. "Alright, watch the house, kid." He grins.

"I'll redecorate this place like you wouldn't believe." I promise.

"I look forward to it." Sirius laughs and then adopts an overly serious tone. "But no pink."

…so he's just gonna let me do it?

 _Sirius, upon seeing the vast, shit-eating grin slowly appearing on my face, vaguely regrets his choices._

…

…

[One Month Later]

…

…

The short of it: Sirius is no closer to finding Pettigrew, I learned how to counterfeit money, and the insides of the house is now bright and cheery.

 _So what's the long of it?_

Sirius basically abandoned the house to me and Kreacher in order to properly do his search for Pettigrew. He also neglected to tell Kreacher to feed me (therefore Kreacher won't listen to orders), so I'm stuck making my own food.

I'm getting pretty good, if I do say so myself.

I'm also not sure how Kreacher gets his food, but since I don't have special house elf logistics I have to buy my food.

Which leads us to…counterfeiting money. As it turns out, being inside a house protected by a Fidelus Charm means that the house is off the grid and thus plays by its own rules, and as I have no shame or sense of responsibility despite being technically an adult, I'm perfectly ok stealing some bills from unsuspecting people and then duplicating them with transfiguration.

 _Yes, we have forgotten about the whole "is actually an adult and is thus unaffected by underage magic restriction" thing again._

I do make sure not to show up repeatedly at the same place with large buckets of bills though. I'm not quite sure what the cultural norm of 90s England is in terms of buying things, but I'm sure "a few thousand pounds in cash" isn't one of them.

 _We didn't make a few thousand pounds. We have maybe two hundred in counterfeit money._

Largely because I know money has anti-forgery defenses built-in and I don't feel like tripping any more wires than necessary. Either way I bought paint, wallpaper, tools…a plastic covering for a certain painting, battery powered hand drill…the works.

Sirius did tell Kreacher to avoid getting in my way though, so that's good. He's not undoing my stuff as I'm doing it despite trying to call down fire and brimstone over my head.

…

[Our defacing of The Painting]

…

"FILTHY MUDBLOOD, BESMIRCHING THE HONOR OF THE HOUSE—"

"Yeah, yeah. Now shush, I got work to do."

The painting has been yelling at us nonstop ever since we started working, but fortunately I bought enchanted earmuffs. It doesn't stop the noise from passing through our entire body, but it's a start.

Eventually the painting was smart enough to realize that the mudblood she was yelling at gave a negative amount of fucks, and settled down to watch exactly what I was planning on doing with my mudblood tools.

"Now then." I say and hold up the steel braces. "It's time for you to see why muggles are awesome."

 _"YOU DARE DESCRATE" so on, so forth._

I talked with Sirius a bit about how to modify his house (via owl; it made him come back for a few hours.) Basically, so long as the house retains its status as a house (read: none of its load bearing walls gets damaged) the charms originally placed upon it will retain their power. Likewise, magical means of altering the house will not take, so doing it the muggle way is the way to go.

Given that the painting cannot be removed at all (per permanent sticking charm), my solution is to place steel clasps around the painting and enclose it in a plastic fishbowl covering. Maybe then enchant the fishbowl to be soundproof? I haven't thought that far yet.

Yeah, I can't do shit to the portrait itself, but we muggles are masters at roundabout solutions to problems.

 _The portrait could really only screech with increasing fury and volume as we progressively put the muggle barrier around her._

I wish I had internet access so I could get like a picture of David Tennant and put it in the fishbowl. Give her something good to look at for the next eternity, y'know? But no, she'll just be staring forever into the warped translucent bubble as I continue to desecrate her ancestral home.

 _How are we recharging our drill batteries?_

We break into our muggle neighbor's house, charm them to make sure they stay asleep, and then use their power outlets.

I am very glad this is a fanfic and not a legitimate story, because I can then have the excuse of not worrying about a publisher or editor coming down on me for my hideously illegal behavior.

 _And you can shatter the fourth wall whenever you please._

…

"I'm ho-oly hell what happened here?"

 _For the record: our declawing of the portrait occurred about a week into our reconstruction plans. It is now the end of the month._

Judging by the voice Sirius is home.

"Yo!" I greet him happily as I jump down the stairs. "What do you think?" I gesture to the sky blue walls and the bright lights.

"What did you do to my house?!" He can't help but yell. "How is it so bright in here?" He adds as an afterthought.

My first answer is "I made it better."

My second answer involves gesturing to the wires running along the edges of the walls. "It's a rush job, but it's not like we can hire a certified electrician into the house."

Come to think of it, there probably is a certified electrician wizard out there somewhere.

"So that's electricity?" Sirius probes one of the lights with a few sparks from his wand. "I take it you had a hell of a time getting it set up." He glances at me. "What did you need it for?"

To be honest? "Nothing, really. I just thought the place could use some better lighting."

He stares at me in disbelief. "I don't think I've ever met a muggle like you." He says slowly.

"I don't think you've met too many muggles period." I reply with a smirk.

"That's certainly true." He chuckles. "Where's the generator for this thing?"

…so how can he marvel at electricity and then know about generators? "Down here." I lead him to what used to be a storage room.

"You cleaned this place out?" Sirius looks around, impressed. "Must've taken you a week."

"More." I groan. "Well, either way, the generator is in here." I show him the setup.

So, our generator is a prototype we're fiddling with. The goal, of course, is to see just how much bullshit I can squeeze out of electricity before nature decides that enough is enough. To that end, the current generator is a standard household gas-powered generator with the gasoline part stripped out and replaced with a compressed wind chamber.

 _A what?_

We're using the old method of using wind to power a turbine. The turbine itself is enchanted to reduce friction and the wind generator is powered by magic (and is also near friction-less). The end result is what would qualify as a near perpetual motion machine if we pretend that magic cannot exist.

…however, from an output standpoint this generator is pretty shit, so we have a room with like eight of them to provide power for the entire house.

 _How did we have enough money to make eight?_

We…didn't. I made one to learn how to do it right and then mimicked it with transfiguration. I bought a lot of scrap metal this month. We also saw increasing amount of Dementors wandering the streets.

 _Did we break the stature of secrecy or something?_

I don't think so? I made all of my purchases acting as a muggle, and I'd like to believe that I know how to act like a muggle.

My generator room just got a "Huh" of acknowledgement from Sirius. Where's my acknowledgement for making your house ten times brighter, man?

But…uh, I imagine that the increase in Dementor count is why Sirius came back.

"It's part of it." He agrees when we get the chance to properly talk it out. "You might know about why the Dementors are coming out in force." He gestures to the Prophet on the table in front of us. "They've made it hard for me to move around."

No shit. "They're getting on my nerves, too." Fortunately I've made sure to stay away every time I walked into an area that made me sad. In retrospect that reasoning sounds amazingly half-assed. "Care to teach me the Patronus charm?"

Sirius laughs. "You know about it but don't know how to do it?" He snaps his fingers to get back on track. "What leads I found on Wormtail have been inconsequential; he's a tough one to pin down."

I nod. Make sense.

"However." He taps the paper again. "I think he's going to show back up in Hogwarts."

…because it would be narratively convenient? "Why do you think that?"

"You." He grins. "Make no mistake, Wormtail won't be showing up in Hogwarts because _he_ has something he needs to do. He's going to go back because his boss can't stomach having lost like that."

Ha. "So Voldemort's a sore loser?" I laugh. "Why am I not surprised?" I then take a deep breath. "All things considered, shit."

Sirius laughs as well. "What brought that on?"

Well, "Dementors used to work for him, right?"

"Yeah…" Sirius agrees slowly. "Well, that's not going to be very good for all the little children, is it?" He mutters. "Perhaps we should make Dumbledore aware."

"I'll do that when I get there." I nod. "No point putting our chance at risk."

He takes a minute to parse what I said. "The school's going to be in actual danger for this. You realize that, right?"

Excuse me. "The Basilisk didn't count? I feel like the giant murdersnake should count."

"Fair point." Sirius backpedals. "Regardless, the Dementors are going to be dangerous to the school if they're turned against the Ministry. Do you have a plan for that?"

…is there a way to mass-defend against Dementors?

 _Apart from plot armor, a sufficiently powerful Patronus could do it._

I need to do some research into how Patronuses and Dementors interact.

"Putting aside Wormtail for a minute." Sirius says suddenly. "Harry's birthday is tomorrow."

He's visibly excited, if a bit sad. "Do you think he knows about me?"

Canonically… "All he knows about you is the assumption that he's your target."

"That's stupid." Sirius is indignant. "I'm his godfather! I'm not going to kill him. He should know that."

 _Sirius catches the blank, disbelieving expression our face. His indignation fades in a flash._

"Right. I escaped from Azkaban." He admits. "They might have some basis for believing that I'm a tad dangerous."

"Do you think we can fool the Ministry folk with a disguise?" I grin. "Play dad for a day."

"I would rather not lie to my godson." Sirius laughs. "Plus, I feel like the Dementors patrolling the Weasley household would take offense to my attempt."

Bah.

Actually, "why does the Ministry trust Dementors so much?"

Sirius thinks on it. "Isn't it because the Ministry's greyer than you think?" He finally says. "The Ministry's always had a problem with naivety and grandeur."

Must've been the British Empire mentality brushing off on them. "And so they were easily defeated by some dude without a nose?"

"Voldemort has no nose?" Sirius misses what I meant.

I nod sagely. "His head is like a melon, free of any protrusions."

 _Slenderman?_

"You're really ruining my image of the Greatest Threat to the world, you know that?" Sirius chuckles. "But yes, until Voldemort came to power the Ministry of Magic had never truly experienced a challenge to its power, thus…"

So Voldemort found a weak point and struck like the snakes he respects, huh? I can understand that, at least.

"In any event, we're better off leaving the Weasleys alone." Sirius says with a sigh. "No point adding more stress to their family as it is."

…

That reminds me.

Optional objective for this year: clear Sirius's name so Harry can have a place to live.

…

So Harry's birthday came and went.

 _He didn't invite us?_

Apparently they went to Egypt shortly before the big day, so they didn't have much of a choice. I'm assuming Harry got dragged along despite his protests…and I'm assuming Harry paid for his own ticket instead of letting the Weasleys foot the bill.

…how did they get to Egypt anyways? International Floo Network? Legitimate Galleon-to-Pounds money changers?

Uh…tangenting again. Let's see. Harry and the Weasleys are doing their summer stuff. Obviously the Knight's Bus, Grim, and Aunt Petunia stories are skipped (maybe not the Knight's Bus? I dunno). Harry's having what is definitely the first vacation of his lifetime with a loving family.

We have learned the basics of the Patronus Charm from Sirius and the basics of Dementors from the Black Family Library.

 _There's a small stash of books stowed away in one of the house rooms that detail some of the less usual branches of magic._

A…very badly written book held some information on Dementors, coupled with some of my personal observations and anecdotal evidence from Sirius makes up for what I know about these things.

 _In other words: prepare for pseudo-science._

First off, they're…uh. Dementors can be loosely defined as "Animated Greed". They "want" and do nothing else. THEORETICALLY, based on the Black Family books, there are multiple types of Dementors that exist in the world and all of them want different things. Also theoretically, different Dementors want different things even within the boundaries of England.

 _Again, it's all theoretical because nobody is dumb enough to actually test these assumptions._

Physically, a Dementor is just a bundle of energy…hell it might even be a soul, I have no idea. Dementors can't be destroyed, can't reproduce, and can't eat. Well, they 'eat' but what they consume doesn't give them sustenance like, say, a sandwich.

So, Dementor Food.

Dementors "want" happiness because they can't produce it innately. I'm extrapolating hard on this since the data is sparse, but it would seem that Dementors just want the happiness of others because they don't have any on their own. The fact that bad memories surface during feeding seems to just be an unfortunate side effect.

 _So how do Patronus charms work?_

The canonical explanation's pretty accurate: a Patronus is basically a giant dense cookie of happiness that the Dementor focuses on instead of the person. Realistically though, a Patronus is actually a two-part spell in a shield-hammer format.

 _A what?_

The condensed happiness serves as the shield for the caster while the ill-defined 'hammer' of magic sends them away. As far as I can see it's not actually possible to split the charm and cast the separate components individually.

 _So, what is needed to conjure a powerful Patronus?_

Lupin was…will be? A bit disingenuous about this to Harry. The most powerful way to create a Patronus is by using a memory as a catalyst for the charm…and as expected, the memory's potency is then eroded through multiple uses (much as how repeatedly hearing a joke makes it progressively less funny). More conventionally, a Patronus is created out of sheer condensed magical power and then given the ability of 'protecting against sadness'. This hard-to-define objective is what makes the spell difficult to cast.

In other words, Lupin learned a shortcut to make a powerful Patronus and taught it to Harry. His method's only weakness (of course) is the reliance on memories…memories that not only lose their effectiveness with each cast, but also when coming into contact with a Dementor. Ergo, with this method the caster should make a Patronus via memory when said caster has not yet made contact with the Dementor.

The other methodology is what a majority of the wizarding world uses, which is why it's considered to be a ludicrously difficult spell. On the plus side, making a Patronus out of raw power means that the Patronus is more stable during anti-Dementor combat, though the Patronus itself ends up being weaker as a result.

…Fun fact? There are better ways to make a Patronus.

By default, the Patronus is a being of happiness wrapped in spikes. It exists to be eaten so Dementors would get tummy aches and run screaming to the nearest Sadness-Bathroom.

 _So basically every bathroom after a particularly spicy meal._

We can do better by making a Patronus out of something less tangible than happiness.

 _…That sounds incredibly stupid._

Yeah. Dementors "want" happiness because it can be traded. They are unable to produce it on their own, so they take it from regular folk whenever they can. So instead of happiness, let's use 'resolution' instead.

 _What_ _?_

Again, the biggest difference is the mental fortitude of the caster. Like with all spells, intention is important, and the Patronus charm is probably one of (if not _the_ most) difficult spells to cast when you take field conditions into account.

 _That doesn't really answer the question._

Because I don't have an answer.

 _So be it then; what are our odds against Dementors?_

Considering my psyche, Dementors will kill us. I don't have a dark and tragic past like Harry, but I definitely fall on the pessimist side of things with a touch of chronic depression tossed in. Odds are, during an actual faceoff with a Dementor I will not be able to do anything, much less actually create a Patronus.

From a longevity standpoint, I don't have the magical power to maintain a Patronus for too long anyways. If I end up actually have to fight a Dementor I'm better off just tossing chocolate at it until it gives up and runs away, really.

 _But we can produce a Patronus._

…Under the most optimal circumstances, yes. I can maintain a wispy Patronus for about half a minute before the strain knocks us out. Then we die.

…Also, side note: Death Eaters could most certainly conjure substitute-Patronuses due to the fact that the Dementors don't have a concept of friendly fire. The Black Library wasn't too clear on this and I only saw sporadic references, but they have some measure of protection beyond "We're friends".

 _So what other spells have we made over the Summer so far?_

I've gotten really good at alchemic transfiguration. Having a basic knowledge of chemistry (and going out to buy a book on minerals) helps lots.

I've gotten so good at it that I'm considering using it as a primary weapon instead of my Prismatic Beam, if only because I'm hesitant to use the beam as anything other than a finisher.

For the time being I can create up to six homing spikes without much effort. I can also do the Edward Elric specialty of conjuring a spear from the ground, though without the handclap, unfortunately. I'm planning to ask Olivander about alternative means of crafting wands when I visit Diagon Alley.

I like my wand. Olivander made a pretty big point about how wands pick their owners, and I'd like to think that this little puppy works pretty well with me.

I wonder if I can get the core transferred into some less obvious equipment, like a bracer or something. I'd like to keep my hands clear to do the clappy thing.

 _Yay vanity._

…

[Diagon Alley, sometime before school starts]

…

I'm here to buy school supplies along with Dog!Sirius.

We met the main cast by chance.

 _Chance._

It's a week before the end of vacation, so yeah, by chance. Canonically they show up before the first day of school.

"Hey guys!" I wave enthusiastically at Harry and the Weasleys.

 _That sounds like a band name. Pretty sure I'm made this realization before._

"Ash!" Harry replies happily, if a little confusedly. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm shopping. What does it look like I'm doing?" I grin. "Did you summer go ok?"

He nods enthusiastically. "Yeah! It was a blast; I'm sorry you missed it." His eyes then stray to Sirius. "Who's the dog?"

"Your new parent." My grin hurts my face now.

Harry rolls his eyes. "Funny." He pets Dog!Sirius who kind of…I dunno, raise an eyebrow at me? He doesn't have eyebrows as a dog though…

 _We just shrug in response._

We also end up joining their party on their shopping trip.

Harry almost lost his mind at the Firebolt. It rolled out despite the whole Nimbus 2001 fiasco and is still the fastest piece of wood in the history of mankind.

We met up with Hermione, who was out buying Crookshanks. I may have terrified her with how much I squealed and hugged the poor cat.

I bugged Olivander about using a non-wand wand and…uh.

Olivander lost his shit. I think I offended him on a deep, personal level and now he's out to be one of my greatest enemies of all time.

 _We may be exaggerating._

Eventually he gave in and told us that wands cannot be retrofitted into non-wand like objects. However, they can be "extended" somehow. He doesn't know how, nor does he care. According to Olivander it was one of those things tried by an older wandmaker experimenting with muggle methodology, and therefore he didn't care too much about it.

 _Also according to him the tech didn't go anywhere, either._

He did give me some notes concerning the experiment though, but like all wizarding world documentation it's jumbled and incoherent.

 _He's letting us use it so long as we return it before school starts._

Which means I need to make copies once I get the free time.

…

Afterwards, Hermione got a little flak for her work load. I assume she still got (will get) the time turner for this year.

"And here I thought you'd be working as hard as her." Ron smirked when he saw my school load. "You're taking less than me, mate."

Yeah. "I have other things on my plate this year."

Hermione was offended that I'll be slacking in school. Apparently she had thought differently of me.

Not gonna lie, I love Hogwarts school work, but I get distracted too easily by all the cool shit going on to actually work on any cool shit of my own.

 _Story of our life, no?_

…

…

And thus ends the shopping trip.

…so what are we doing here?

 _Harry is facing me down in a dueling room in Diagon Alley, with the Weasleys and Hermione (and Dog!Sirius) in attendance. It's a fairly sizable room, maybe the size of half a basketball court. The ring itself has a barricade of wood between it and the spectator areas._

"What are we doing?" I ask uncertainly after seeing Harry stretching on the opposite side of the field. "What am I doing?"

"I heard." Harry continues his stretching. "A man named Sirius Black is after me, right?"

 _Dog!Sirius growls in anger._

"I promised I wouldn't go after him." Harry glances at Arthur. "But it never hurts to be prepared."

…Ah. So that's how it is.

"I'm worried I've gotten rusty." Harry smiles good-naturedly. "So go easy on me, ok?"

"He's a duelist?" Arthur wonders. "Ash, you're a touch too young to be to doing this full-time, aren't you?"

There's a job like this? "Nah, I just have different ways of doing things." I get warmed up as well. "You ready, Harry?"

…

[3rd Person Camera]

…

"Yes." Harry says and immediately dives to his right. The barrier behind him is hit by some kind of force, making the Weasleys jump.

"Good to know." Ash grins.

"I said I was rusty!" Harry gripes as he runs from the barrage of Sucker Punches aimed at him. "Go easy! For god's sake!"

"Hey, I'm rusty too." Ash laughs. "So let me practice on you."

"You monster!" Harry skids to a stop and puts up a shield spell. The shield spell is blasted by a series of Sucker Punches and Harry is pushed back a step. "Also, you're hitting a lot harder than you used to."

"That means a lot! Thanks." Ash grins. "But you stopped moving, man."

"Cripes." Harry ducks and scrambles away from another Sucker Punch.

"He still hasn't drawn his wand yet." Percy notes. "He's been doing all of this without a wand?"

"His wand's tied to his arm." Ron explains. "He just taps it if he needs to use a small spell like that."

Arthur raises an eyebrow. "That spell he's using is considered small?"

"Oh, his wand's out." Fred grins as Ash finally pulls his wand. "This is gonna be good. Don't die, Harry!"

"Thanks for the vote of confidence!" Harry snarls and fires a Stunner at Ash.

Ash points his wand at his feet and immediately disappears.

"Ah crap." Harry mutters and creates several protective shells all around him.

"Ah crap indeed." Ash agrees from somewhere above Harry's head.

Harry puts a bubblehead charm over his head as Ash unloads a Wind of Sleep onto him.

"Dammit!" Harry rushes away from his shells and releases his bubblehead charm. He fires a few impediment jinxes behind him at Ash.

Ash kicks the air and launches himself towards the ground. Points his wand at his free hand, and snaps his finger at Harry.

 _Colonel Mustang Style. Note that this means Ash is adding an extra step to his casting just because it looks cool._

While he doesn't make the air around Harry explode (because that would just be rude) the wooden ground underneath Harry's feet writhe and turn into vines, tying him down.

"I have to admit I'm not as comfortable with manipulation of live things." Ash sighs. "But whatever works, right?"

Harry unties his feet with a quick Diffindo and then immediately blocks Ash's Stunner with a shield spell. "I thought you didn't use Stunners." He gripes.

"Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't." Ash then grabs something from his belt. "I think that's enough of a warmup."

"I was afraid of that." Harry grumbles and points his wand at himself.

Ash is pleasantly surprised. "You made a new spell too?"

"'Too', huh?" Harry's arms glowed with a soft, blue-ish light. "I don't like losing." He grins. "Are you ready?"

"To hear that from Harry of all people," Ash laughs. "You're really changing, you know that?" He holds up a few plates of steel. "Then I won't play nicely this time around."

"Please play nicely." Harry mutters immediately.

Ash taps the steel with his wand. "Strike my enemies from afar…Saber Bits!"

The pieces of steel shape themselves into small, bird-like things and hover near his shoulders.

Harry, having learned enough to avoid giving the enemy prep time for big spells, immediately fired stunner after stunner at Ash.

Ash waves his wand as if giving a command before bolting away from Harry's attack.

The Six Saber bits launch themselves at Harry, who dives and rolls underneath them while firing a leg locker at Ash. To Harry's surprise the bits then immediately turn and chase after him still.

"Damn Bludgers!" He growls. " _Reducto!_ "

"Forgot about that." Ash waves his wand again and the Bits return to him. "Change Form. Gunner Bits!"

The Birds' heads transform into guns.

Harry shot another stunner at him.

"GO!" Ash shoots his Bits at Harry while charging forward with a shield spell active.

 _Uh oh._ Harry blasts the ground of the wooden stage and send up mists of wood, disturbing the flight of the Bits and sending them flying away. Unfortunately, the mist also obstructed his vision.

"What did I tell you?" Ash sighs.

Harry is then treated to a beam of light fired over his head.

"You lose?" Ash grins with the Prismatic lens hovering in front of him.

Harry sighs. "I lose."

…

[1st Person Camera]

…

He's gotten really good. I think that was the first time none of my offensive spells made any kind of meaningful connection.

 _Except the Prismatic Beam that you whiffed on purpose._

For obvious reasons.

"That was dueling?" Arthur seems disbelieving. "That was quite sophisticated for a duel; you're skilled for a child."

"Ash doesn't fight clean." George claps me on the back. "So he's teaching Harry good things."

"Good things." Molly repeats with her lips pursed. "You're very violent, Ash." She disapproves.

…hah. "If Harry is being hunted, then it's better that he be prepared for a fight." I shrug. "All it would take for this Black person to kill him would be a few seconds of inattention."

 _Dog!Sirius growls at us angrily._

"You have a very bleak outlook on the world." Arthur says softly.

"You guys lived through Voldemort." I say flatly (ignoring the flinches). "You don't?"

Arthur frowns. "It's because we lived through those times that we don't want our kids to live in that kind of world."

 _The Weasley kids are deeply disturbed at the fact that we're about to get into a fight with their dad._

"To believe that evil stopped existing just because the head is cut off is naïve." I say…a lot sharper than I wanted. Oops. "Sorry; touchy topic."

"It's quite alright." Arthur reassures me.

 _We make our way out of the room._

"From the way you talked, it seemed like you know a lot about things like this." Percy notes as we walk. "You're a touch young to have participated in the war…"

Ha. "I wasn't that lucky." Streeetch. "I just happen to like history."

"You pay as much attention to Binns as we do." Ron blurts out.

 _Poor boy just admitted to cutting class in front of his mother._

"His lectures are quite boring." Arthur agrees and saves his youngest son from being torn to ribbons by his mother.

"For me it's largely muggle history." I explain. "And there are a lot of instances where the good people of the world get screwed…er, taken advantage of, by the bad because they were unwilling to believe that bad things can happen immediately after bad things have happened."

"So you believe that You-Know-Who will come back?" Hermione asks, to the general discomfort of everyone present.

"At this point, it's a given." I say lightly. "I mean…we've seen one type of him already."

"That…Riddle, right? That Diary Ghost?" Fred mutters. "That was You-Know-Who?"

I nod. "It was a type of him, alright."

 _The Weasley parents look at each like 'what do we do?'_

"What do you need us to do, Ash?" Fred asks readily.

…

Beg pardon?

 _We stop and stare at him in disbelief._

"You've never given us a bad idea yet." George points out.

Well then.

"In that case, cover for each other and stay out of my way this year."

Obviously that wasn't quite the answer the twins were expecting.

"Harry's going to need more support than me this year." I amend before the twins could protest. "Help him."

"I'm not going to look for a murderer." Harry's very nonplussed by my orders. "I don't need bodyguards."

 _Judging by how his brows furrowed, Arthur seems to have realized that we know something we shouldn't._

"Yeah…and the next thing you know you're running down a tunnel with a giant monster at the end of it." I wink. "I'm not talking about fighting here. If you ever get confused, or hear about something odd, don't run off and do your own thing. Talk to them. Listen to them…alright?"

 _It's kind of hypocritical of us to advise him to trust his friends while we're pushing said friends away. Harry nods slowly after a moment of deliberation._

Fred mimics taking notes with his hands. "Anything else?"

"Practice some anti-Dementor tactics." I shrug. "Beat sitting around and crossing your fingers."

George pretends to write into his hand. "Everyone…gets…chocolate…ok." He grins. "I think we can manage that."

"Why didn't you tell Harry to come to me? I'm going to be Head Boy." Percy…is a little indignant that we're circumventing his authority.

"Because you're stiff, that's what." Fred laughs. "You're no fun to talk to."

"I just think I could give him better guidance than the two of you." Percy pauses for a second. "Combined."

"Is that a challenge?" George playfully punches Percy on the arm.

 _Looks like their dynamic is a bit better with the three of them all risking their lives to save Ron._

I grin. "Nah…it's just that you're responsible."

"What does that mean?" Percy, Arthur, and Molly all ask at the same time.

Eyeroll time. "It means that when Harry loses his mind and wants to go after a murderer, you're going to do the responsible thing and tell him to stop."

"Of course." Percy responds like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"When he's losing his mind, you won't listen to what he has to say…and thus he wouldn't listen to what you have to say either." I say like it's the second most obvious thing in the world.

…

 _Eventually, our two parties split up and go our separate ways._

I think I gave them a lot to think about, which is not really a good thing for my cover as a teenager. Then again, self-important teenagers are a dime a dozen, so maybe the parent Weasleys will disregard what I said as just idiot talk.

 _So why are we separating ourselves from everyone else at school?_

I…my plan this year is to do a lot of base construction. I'm going to turn the Chamber of Secrets into a serviceable fortress…maybe find a different way to access it, or something.

 _So why alone?_

Because I feel like Pettigrew and Riddle are more likely to act when I'm alone. I need them to jump me so I can properly find and destroy them…and, more importantly, I do plan to actually destroy them instead of simply incapacitate them. No point letting the kids see a gruesome murder before the year is up.

 _Even Pettigrew?_

…Well, there should be multiple ways to counter "and the good guys were captured" in book 7, to the point where Pettigrew's involvement should not be necessary.

 _You know what I mean._

…I'm not Harry. I'm not the type of person who can be unwaveringly nice even to traitors. If push comes to shove I'd rather eliminate Pettigrew now rather than let him live on the off chance that he will assist us four years from now.

To that end, I'm willing to stoop to levels that Harry won't go down to.

 _Why? He can solve the problems on his own just fine._

Yes, but that's boring. Being evil (especially smart-evil) is just plain more fun.

.

.

.

{ === + === }

Author Notes:

We're really diverging from the weaponization process, aren't we?

That needs to be fixed.


	11. Prisoner of Azkaban - Up to Halloween

{ === + === }

So we're on a train, going to Hogwarts, eating food.

 _Or whatever snacks count as._

When suddenly the lights cut out.

Which is pretty impressive, since the sun was still out…barely.

And then we get attacked by Dementors, because Harry Potter.

…

The above is very succinct transcription of every genre-savvy person aboard the Hogwarts Express at this moment, I feel.

So let's back up a little bit.

…

[A Little Bit Earlier]

…

We found Lupin napping in a compartment and then promptly took it over, because obviously a man sleeping in the train on his own meant he had no friends and we could invade on his personal territory as needed.

Also, who maintains the Hogwarts express and ensures that it has enough seating for students?

Anyways, we invaded his turf.

"Why is a teacher on the Hogwarts Express?" Ron asks after finding out from Lupin's stuff that Lupin's name is Lupin.

"To protect Harry, maybe?" I offer. "Someone's out to get him, after all."

"I don't think they would attack a train." Harry jokes.

So of course the train starts to slow down even before his sentence ends.

 _He's lying: it was a good five minutes afterwards._

"There's someone moving outside." Hermione says when the train starts to slow down. "Are we actually under attack?"

"Probably not; there's not enough panic." I say with a surprising amount of boredom. "Still, wands out, eyes open."

"Should we wake him up?" Hermione asks doubtfully and glances at Lupin…I guess she doesn't want to get into trouble. She still drew her wand though.

…

[Now]

…

Before Hermy gets the chance to wake Lupin, something slides open our compartment door.

I feel cold and clammy, thus: fuck it.

"Procoro Patronum!"

 _A small, blocky, silvery something shoots out from the end of our wand and impacts whatever is outside. The small silvery something explodes in a shower of silvery smoke and we hear a chilly growl._

Once more with feeling! "Procoro Patronum!"

 _Bam._

The cold clammy feeling recedes…and I feel like collapsing and crying. Jesus.

"What was that?" Ron gulps. "What just happened?"

Deep breath, calm down…need to speak in an even tone. "No clue. It's gone for now, though. Wake the processor up."

 _The what?_

Professor. The three of them didn't seem to catch that slip though. Thank goodness for that.

"I'm awake." Lupin replies without a hint of sleepiness in his voice. "That was very impressive, young man. It's not every day someone as young as you can use the Patronus charm."

"Thank you, sir." I reply without taking my eyes off of the compartment entrance.

"That's what it was?" Ron replies. "It sounded different than what my dad said."

"Your friend is using an archaic version." Lupin sounds like he's chuckling. "A very archaic version. Stay put, I'll talk to the conductor."

And he leaves, and the four of us let out a breath we were somehow still holding.

 _Archaic?_

'Expecto' is the modernized version of the spell. 'Procoro' is the superbly old variant. Comparatively speaking, it's much weaker, though as it's not a shield it consequentially costs less.

So we all know Expecto is a shield at basic stages, and corporeal at advanced stages.

 _Expecto Patronum can be roughly translated as "I wait for my protector" while the other is similar to "I demand for my protector."_

Procoro, then, is a strike type spell without a 'finished' corporeal option. It's pretty much a mixed ball of emotion thrown at the Dementor as hard as mentally possible.

 _Mixed?_

Yeah. Procoro's greatest asset is the fact that it can be used anywhere, anytime, without the condition of 'needing a strong happy memory' to act as fuel. Downside: it uses just a random fluff ball of emotions and thus its efficiency is all over the place.

Fun fact? If I use Procoro with a ball of negative emotions (say, despair) it will actually make the Dementor more aggressive.

 _In other words, we're using a spell that has a 10% chance of actually killing us every cast?_

…Yeah, pretty much. Also, imagine me expositioning all of that to the trio, because that's what I did.

Hermione was incredulous. "So why are you using it instead of the newer spell?"

"Because I can't get Expecto to work at all." Was my (faked) noncommittal reply. "It's the first spell that has utterly failed so far."

Which is somewhat true. I haven't progressed beyond "make useless wispy smoke" and honestly that's not helpful in fighting Death Lite.

"Where did you find that spell if it was so old?" Ron asks with a frown.

Black family library…but I can't say that out loud. "Random reading. Pretty fortunate, too."

…

So with that out of the way (and with the Dementors mercifully leaving and not coming back, though I thought I saw something flash a few times) we can get underway again.

While we waited, Fred and George showed up with chocolate.

I did not realize I was shaking until I got the chocolate in my hands and promptly dropped it on the carriage seat.

"It's that bad, huh?" Fred gives me a reassuring clap on the shoulder. "Chin up. You chased it away after all."

"Right." I'm doing all sorts of calming exercises and literally nothing is working. I mean, my voice is calm and I'm still thinking logically, but everything else is going nuts right now.

Apparently my body is stuck in emergency mode, so despite me not doing anything my arms and legs are working themselves to death producing lactic acid. This is a very strange feeling.

This also makes the act of consuming chocolate difficult, as one hand cannot close around the chocolate and the other is steadfastly refusing to let go of the wand.

 _George eventually fed us the chocolate. For bonus points, he did so while making airplane noises._

"Is it a muggle thing?" Fred asks curiously while I test my hand's ability to open and close.

My reply was a simple "Hermione?"

"I felt fine." Hermione replies, equally as curious as Fred. "Maybe it's because he's American?"

Bah.

 _We do our eyerolling at their chuckling._

Hmm…still, this is worth looking into. If I become useless after engaging a Dementor, then it doesn't really matter if I get the first shot off. I'll just lose to the second one coming in.

 _We never found out until now?_

I've never stuck around a Dementor long enough to shoot it until now.

…

With that out of the way, the rest of the train ride was without fanfare (Lupin never came back for his stuff) and soon we arrived at the horseless carriages, and eventually Hogwarts proper.

Harry did not get taunted about fainting, as that part obviously did not happen (though Harry did admit to hearing faint screaming).

During the introductory dinner, Dumbledore made us pleasantly aware that Dementors are stationed around the school for our protection.

He also made us aware that Hogsmeade visits are a thing. I had entirely forgotten about it and thus did not get Sirius to sign the form.

…then again, I get the feeling the administration wouldn't accept a form signed by an escaped convict.

 _Would Dumbledore let us go to Hogsmeade if we just asked him? We're technically an adult after all._

Eh…we still wouldn't have a form, so that wouldn't solve the fundamental problem.

 _Where is our form, anyways?_

I probably lost it in the Black house somewhere. Not that important.

Anyways…onto the classes.

…

[Care of Magical Creatures]

…

First lesson is Hippogriffs. They are magnificent creatures that scare the bejesus out of me because they're proud and I'm proud (to a certain degree). I guess they could tell I'm not who I appear to be, since the Hippogriffs were not in the mood of letting me get near them.

This had the fortunate side effect of preoccupying Malfoy with taunting my inability to make friends with a giant fluffy griffon knockoff instead of getting his ass mauled by said griffon knockoff.

 _Maybe you shouldn't call them griffon knockoffs?_

I'm not saying it out loud.

Either way, I'm stuck on the sidelines, working on my next project.

 _Which is…?_

Dunno yet. It involves fire and transfiguration though, so hopefully it'll work out better than the Incendio flamethrower.

 _That has never come up in story._

Because it sucked and didn't work out.

Also, I can see Hagrid being worried about us and dividing his attention between the vicious animals and us sitting on the sidelines. However, as we are not Harry Potter, Hagrid deigned to keep his distance and do his job of making sure the damn 13-14 year olds don't get eaten.

Good times.

…

[Defense Against Dark Arts]

…

Not looking forward to this one.

We're up against that boggart and Lupin teaches us the anti-boggart curse. I have to wonder: how dangerous are boggarts if there's a specific spell designed to fight them? Like…Dementors I understand. Those guys are fuckers of the highest degree, but…

…

Against Neville, the boggart turned into Alan Rickman, who then became Rickman in drag. Standard.

Against NPC Seamus Finnigan it turned into a banshee. Banshees are reasonably terrifying despite their shrill screeching, so I'm not quite sure how he found it less scary by making it mute, but eh.

Against NPC Parvati Patil it turned into a mummy, and then it tripped over its bandages.

At this point I have to admit I started to doubt on how well these guys could survive if faced with the real thing, because you know what's fucking scarier than a mummy? A mummy crawling towards you while dragging its useless feet behind it.

Against NPC Dean Thomas it turned into a disembodied hand. I wonder if he's played Ocarina of time? Anyways, it gets caught in a mousetrap and now simply looks disturbing rather than terrifying.

Against Ron it turned into a Giant Cave Spider. Instead of freezing and then casting Riddikulus on it like a good little boy, Ron completely lost his shit and tossed two Incendios and a Diffindo at it (with alarming speed) before he calmed down and de-legged the thing. Again, not sure how that makes it less scary.

"I had practice over the summer." Ron murmured when Lupin asked him why he did what he did.

 _He also accompanied that statement with a meaningful stare in our direction._

Ron got five points to Gryffindor for exceptional spellwork, which was pretty cool. Kid got a smirk on his face for the rest of the class.

Then it was our turn.

…

The Boggart transformed into Tom Riddle, complete with self-satisfied smirk.

"I can't say I'm surprised." I growl. "Riddikulus!"

The spell hits Boggart!Riddle and does nothing.

"You have to focus on the result for the spell to work." Lupin advises as everyone besides Harry looks confused at the handsome boggart man in front of them. "Give it another go, Ash."

 _"Why is he scared of that person?" Hermione whispers._

"Can't make me funny, can you?" Boggart!Riddle taunts. "It's not the only thing you'll be failing at this year."

I know it's a Boggart, but that still worries me. Also, I have an unreasonably high standard of what makes a Boggart funny, apparently.

Ah!

"Riddikulus!"

…

Nope. Riddle did not start rapping like a Skinny English White Boy. Damn.

Hrm.

 _Lupin's in a slight pickle, since Harry's after us, so he doesn't want to switch lest Child!Voldemort gets replaced by the adult one._

"Alright then." I sigh and ignore the giggles behind me. "We're doing this the usual way."

Boggart!Riddle looks derisive.

Cast spell on hand.

Clap hands. (Entirely unnecessary)

Clap floor.

Extract spear from floor.

Boggart!Riddle is now a little worried.

"If you know what's good for you, you'll turn into a shield." I declare at the Boggart and jab the spear at it.

"I do not worry, child." The…is it speaking as a boggart or is it speaking as Riddle? "Come at me."

I toss the spear like a javelin at the Boggart, who tanks it with his midriff like a champ.

Well, he's now bleeding from multiple openings in his body, so it's more pathetic than anything else, but it's the thought that counts.

"Is that all you can do?" Boggart!Riddle says, sounding greatly weakened and a little wet in the mouth.

 _We take out the prismatic lens from our pocket._

"We do not attack boggarts." Lupin warns me. "It's going against the objective of this lesson."

Grr.

 _We put the lens back where it came from._

"Fine then. Harry, you're up."

…

Before Lupin could voice his complaint (and I don't think he was about to in any case) Harry steps up to the Boggart, who looks at him a little and then…shifts into…

…

…

"Harry, I don't know what to say about this." I sigh.

Harry laughs nervously. "Sorry mate. You do leave a lasting impression."

"Let's get this party started!" Boggart!Me cracks his neck. "C'mon Harry, let's duel." He waves around the wooden spear I created not even a minute ago.

Harry puts Boggart!Me into a chicken suit.

I have to say I look good in that chicken suit…less good when I start squawking though.

…

Actually, this is problematic in a few ways.

One, Harry has faced the boggart instead of being shielded from it by Lupin. This means he will not talk to Lupin after class and expose his weakness to Dementors. Which means he will not learn how to properly cast a Patronus…which is real bad, all things considered.

 _We can actually solve this problem later if Harry plays Quidditch and the Dementors show up again._

Two, Harry and Lupin need to have good rapport later. It will not do to have Moony and Prong junior on not faux-family terms.

Hmm.

 _So to remedy this issue we lag after class to talk to Lupin in private._

"I take it Ron Weasley's reaction to his boggart was also your doing?" Lupin asks amicably after he realizes I've stayed behind. "Most children don't react to their fears by attacking it outright."

"I blame the twins." I say immediately. "But Ron's really getting up there in his casting time."

"So you say." Lupin might've dismissed half of my sentence. "So what can I help you with?"

"Uh." So how do I actually present this? "Please teach Harry how to perform a Patronus charm."

Lupin's body language shows no change. "Why?"

"Because his mental history's going to get him killed if he doesn't learn how to block against those guys."

Lupin is suspicious. "You're a very talented young man, you can teach him."

I don't think he's actually trying to defer the responsibility. "I can't even do it right." I point out. "And I don't have talent, just lots of practice."

"I can't give favoritism treatment to students just because they asked nicely." Lupin says diplomatically. "I have to have a concrete reason for believing that they will benefit from those classes."

Card Number One away.

"He's Prongs Junior; that should count for something, right?"

 _As expected, Lupin shows slight shock before he mastered his expression again._

"I don't know what you're talking about, Ash." Lupin says in a very convincing 'politely confused' tone.

Card Number Two, away.

I drop my voice lower. "Look, Professor. I lived with Padfoot for the summer, and I know Wormtail's going to do some seriously weird bullshit this year. Trust me, I'm not pulling this out of my ass."

He blinks in surprise.

"Alright…you have my attention." Lupin says seriously. "Who are you, really?"

"I…who I am isn't important." I'm not important to begin with. "Just…teach Harry how to do a Patronus and be the adult friend he's going to need, alright? He's gonna need a psychiatrist before all this shit ends."

Lupin doesn't respond and simply stares at me for some time before I realize I'm late for Potions.

…

[Potions]

…

Nothing special happened.

Snape took five points for me being late, but otherwise nothing special happened.

I wanted to ask him about the anti-werewolf potion, but I think doing it now would cause way more problems than it solves.

…

And 'nothing special happened' for the rest of the classes either.

 _Not even Divination, because we entirely neglected it in favor of Muggle Studies._

Muggle Studies was actually pretty fun, if a little bit boring. The teacher spent fifteen minutes on the topic of 'why muggles shouldn't run with scissors' that somehow veered terrifyingly close to sexual activity.

Anyways.

…

[Chamber of Secrets]

…

So I had intended to make the chamber into something I could make use of. Before I left, I started on some construction projects, but after coming back from a hiatus I can see I was probably insane when I started working.

 _We feel the same way when we work on software._

Ergo we need to get to work un-doing some of the weird bullshit we did before we left. Ugh.

Also, Myrtle has officially adopted the chamber as her residence, rather than the toilet…which is nice. Her suddenly barging in screeching from time to time isn't quite as nice, but eh. Not like I can block her off or anything.

Time to get to work.

…

…

[Time Skip]

…

…

It's now October 31st.

So…let's see. Going down the list…

Incendio based spells fizzled out again. It just doesn't generate enough power for us. I've even experimented with using incendio as a spell base for bullets (to replace the gunpowder) but it just doesn't give enough power to be useful.

So I'm just falling back on my growing favorites: charms and transfiguration.

In that respect, I made three things that I…might not use all that much? All I care about is busting heads, so that makes me boring.

Anyways.

Number One: Avis + Transfig + Reducto. I'm not quite sure what to call it. I create (up to) four small birds and give them a delayed material shift into glass before suiciding them into the target. So I'm basically a Disney Princess with sadistic extremist tendencies who sends his birds into the enemy and have them blow up. This is a variation of our strike daggers (the targetable floating remote weapons).

 _Benefit: we can have the birds sit on trees as sleepers and engage our target normally, plus they home in on their target without our constant input. Problem: it takes a fair amount of concentration to make the boombirds not explode on creation, so it hurts our combat ability immediately after making said birds._

Actually, given my naming sense, there's a very good chance I'll be yelling "Allahu Ackbar" before unleashing this spell and give all good Islamic worshippers a terrible reputation way before tensions in the Middle East seep over to Great Britain.

…

Number Two: Cellular Reconstitution. I brushed up a bit on my biology during the summertime. This spell is basically a weaker version of Episkey (the most commonly used heal). The difference being that over time I can regrow body parts that are entirely destroyed…up to the size of my pinky, and it would take a while, but it's doable, so that's a thing. This spell is passive, in the sense that I can cast it and forget about it for a few hours while it does its thing.

 _Side effect: Since the spell involves moving around very ill-defined magical energy within a person's cell, it also (theoretically) extends our lifespan a little._

Number Three: Flashbang. It's not really a new spell, but I can now reliably make a loud noise and a bright flash by just snapping my fingers. Bonus points: it doesn't affect my eyes or ears at all, so I can use flashbangs with impunity.

Number Not Quite Four: Thunder Axe Plus and Prismatic Beam Plus. I bought what I'm going to call a lesser bag of holding from Diagon Alley towards the end of summer (think Hermione's bag of holding in the seventh book, but not as efficient in reducing weight and size). So I'm now constantly wearing this satchel under my robes and it's uncomfortable as all hell. The upside? I crammed four car batteries inside it.

 _You know how we roasted the snakes during the dueling club episode? How we had just a battery that could fit into our hand? Yeah._

Also, honorable mention to a failed experiment: the impervious charm's strength is directly proportional to bodyweight. It's the spell that is used to stop rain from hitting faces, and Flitwick told us that the spell won't work on solid objects, so we figured the best way to see how solid 'solid' objects had to be was to go and test it out on ourselves.

 _To quote Myrtle: "You are the most self-destructively curious child I've ever met."_

 _To which we replied: "You don't get out much though."_

 _To which caused Myrtle to shriek and fly out of the chamber._

She came back after five minutes.

So we found out that the impervious charm has a weight limit. Since we're skinny, the heaviest object the spell can reasonably hope to stop would be something weighing in under a pound while flying at a leisurely speed.

 _So can it stop a bullet?_

I haven't done the calculations for force but I'm pretty sure the answer is no. As far as I can tell, there is no defense against a muggle fireleg…which is kind of surprising, considering that firearms have been around culturally and technologically for the past century.

 _Given that England's wizarding populace seems to be stuck in medieval stasis…_

Yeah, yeah…

…

So, other things that happened.

We, through assistance from Professor Snape (though he will never admit it) bought a sophisticated chemistry lab for the chamber of secrets.

Also, I need to rename it to something a little less self-obsessed.

 _Why did Snape help us?_

Professor Snape is incredibly good at maintaining a poker face, but when I told him about the technological advances muggles have made in the field of mixing and measuring he almost went giddy with excitement like a little boy.

So I created an entirely illegal shell company (which Snape enchanted to be untraceable) and fabricated money in a Swiss bank account.

 _This next part is done entirely without Snape's knowledge._

I then purchased the equipment Professor Snape desired and had them shipped to a nondescript warehouse building, where Sirius apparated them piece by piece to the forbidden forest and I carted them back to the school while he kept my ass covered against Dementor attacks.

I'm frankly amazed this didn't count as a breach of the stature of secrecy.

 _We committed something like five felonies within the timespan of three days._

Good times.

Anyways, the equipment is set up in the Chamber, and Snape makes semi-frequent visits to meddle with the gear as he sees fit. He's also the one who enchanted them so they'll work within Hogwarts grounds.

As an aside: Muggle equipment stop working when they enter Hogwarts grounds because the school is actually enchanted to bend the laws of time and physics. Simply put, the more complex the machinery, the more likely it will fail.

 _Example: a car. The defenses Hogwarts have won't cause the car to crash if, say, it came into the school grounds at full speed. If, however, a bolt on the car's wheel lags behind for half a second, then the car is considered 'immobile' and it experiences a state change, where its velocity is entirely lost until leaves the range of the spell._

Basically, the car is forced to be 'immobile' while that bolt is out of time, and it will stay immobile until a wizard sends it out of school grounds, in which case it will be mobile again. So, yeah, more moving parts equals bigger chances of things going wrong and having the entire piece of machinery on lockdown.

…

Onto the next topic.

Through the might of transfiguration, the chamber of secrets now looks entirely different. Instead of it being one boring, poorly lit hallway, I've dug out the floor to give myself more room, so now it's more like a…

Well, the entrance now slopes down further into a large circular reception room. The walls to the reception room have firing slits and ballistae transfigured into the walls. The reception room then leads into a large staging area/communal living space, which then branches off into living quarters (very simple bedrooms, enough for maybe ten people), a pantry (empty, because it's just for show), an armory that's NOT empty as I'm slowly filling it up with AK-47s.

 _How are we making those?_

Uh…I may or may not have dabbled into the black market with my shell company. After that it's just transfiguration mimicry. Takes me a while to get the fake pieces to look just like the real ones though.

 _Sirius's reaction when we obtained the original: "Are you sure you're one of us good guys?" It might have had something to do with the fight we got into to obtain the gun._

More to the point, though I'm stashing weapons like a guerilla war leader, I still don't have a solution to the ammo problem…and I'm sure moving mountains of ammunition will catch interests.

…

Back on track. The new chamber of secrets also has the chemistry lab for Snape, A housing module for Myrtle complete with heat lamps (first time I ever heard a ghost purr), a brand new entrance enchanted accessible to only myself (with Professor Snape having revocable admin access), and a secondary entrance out of the castle. The second entrance is the one I've been using a lot.

 _We were able to make an entrance out of the castle?_

It's surprisingly not that hard, likely due to Hogwarts being, y'know, a magic castle. I think the new entrance is one of the tunnels the Weasley Twins spoke of as 'having collapsed' and the castle just merged it into what I wanted to do or something. The new entrance is equipped with a hefty chain and a large platform for transporting (relatively) large amounts of cargo, though I'll replace it with a proper catapult or something before I graduate.

 _And we're doing all of this because…_

Because we're using the Chamber of Secrets as a testbed for constructing bases in the future…and also because I got a little mad with power. A lot mad with power.

…Anyways.

 _We're at dinner in the great hall for once, as we've spent almost all of the past two months working in the Chamber._

My grades suffered a bit as a result, but eh.

Also. "Hermione? Why are you glaring at me?"

Perhaps as expected, but she just looks away and doesn't answer. I wonder if I wronged her in some way.

Given that we haven't talked for two months, the obvious answer is yes.

"She's mad at you, mate." Ron offers helpfully.

"I can tell. How come?"

"I assume it's because you've been skipping out on your schoolwork." Percy says.

So basically she's disappointed in me.

 _Can you blame her? We're as pumped as she was about school for the first two years and now suddenly we vanish and commit felonies._

She doesn't know about the felonies, does she?

"How can you be skipping school like this?!" Hermione demands in a hiss.

Also, I just remembered that she's a mini time lord, so she probably does know exactly what I'm doing. Shit.

Oh well, lie like I mean it! "I haven't been skipping school. I've been busy."

"You've been going out of the school every day!" Hermione points out, indignant. "And then you disappear!"

Eh…that's true. I've been avoiding using the Chamber's in-building access to try and hide it better. "It's Hogwarts! Disappearing on a regular basis is entirely normal!"

"He's right." Fred points out. "Though reappearing on a regular basis is much harder. What's your secret?"

"A magician never reals his secrets." I say with a shit-eating grin. Also I think Hermy might be feeling murderous.

"But you are a wizard." Luna says airily.

"Potato, Potahto." I wave it off.

"What's she doing here?" Ron asks, alarmed. His alarm is also echoed by the rest of the immediately surrounding Gryffindors. "Should she be here?"

I shrug. "I don't see why cross-table seating can't be a thing."

Harry glances at the teacher's table. "They don't seem to mind."

Luna smiles serenely in her seat next to Ginny.

Hermione offers me an ultimatum. "Stop skipping school."

I (exaggerate my) salute. "Yes ma'am." I mean I've gone to all of my classes, but this is a pretty pointless fight to engage in.

…

"So what's new about Sirius Black?" Ron asks when we're about done with dinner.

"Four more sightings and one supposed run-in with him." George tallies. "With this, we have thirty five crazed killers running loose around the school. Thirty six if you count the real one running around out there."

"How are people seeing him this often?" I can't help but ask. "Do they just point at some shadow in the distance and go 'Hey look that's Black over there'?"

"Yep!" Fred agrees with worrying jubilance. "I think at least five of these sightings belong to you, Ash."

How nice.

"What about the Dementors?" Harry asks. "Are they still wandering everywhere?"

"They're staying out of the way, but George thinks they're getting a little uneasy." Fred reports. "Nothing like staring out of a window just to feel hopelessness and despair."

"Ash."

Mm? "What's up?" George was the asker, apparently.

"Do you think the Dementors are going to attack someone?"

Yes. "No idea…but given the current situation, I'll be damn surprised if they don't."

Ron's concerned. "Why? The Dementors listen to Dumbledore, don't they?"

 _Hermione isn't speaking to us._

Let's not ruin the sleeping patterns of a child, shall we? "I don't think they'll actively attack people…it will probably be an accident more than anything else."

…

Speaking of accidents.

The Portrait of the Fat Lady got itself ripped up, per the book's storyline. Canonically Sirius (most likely) did it. Right now I have no idea. Ok, I have some idea, but I'm not sure why Riddle would selectively attack a painting, doubly so given his attachment to the school.

Thus, we're currently being escorted down to the Great hall under the watchful eye of the prefects. I'm also not entirely sure how they're supposed to protect us from the supposed psychopathic and very skilled killer, but it's the thought that counts.

…

For the next week, the kids are all jumpy. I don't blame them. Their fortress has been invaded and their sense of security has been greatly compromised…but then again there was a giant invisible monster lurking around every corner last year and the year before that we had a tunnel of guaranteed death, so…they'll probably bounce back faster than normal kids.

 _Plus Hagrid._

Ah, yeah. Plus Hagrid. He apparently invited an Acromantula (read: massive fucking spider) out of the forest and did a show and tell. One of the kids attending the lesson went crazy when HAGRID LET THE GIANT SPIDER TOUCH THE KID. Said kid then tried to burn the spider down, said spider got very annoyed and tied the kid up in a cocoon, causing the kid's friends to try and burn the spider down, causing the spider to call HIS friends…it turned into a clusterfuck of amazingly epic proportions until Hagrid calmed everybody down.

Props to Hagrid for achieving that in the first place, really.

 _Calming everyone down or almost getting five kids killed?_

Yes.

…

Well, in our case, it hurt a little bit to see people walking around being all jumpy at loud noises (and really Fred and George weren't helping the problem any) so we decided that the best way to solve the problem of people being afraid of loud noises was to provide something that can provide sustained loud noise. Preferably with trumpets.

 _So we stole a projector, VHS player, speakers, and a few tapes._

Again, I'm waiting for the magical and physical police to come get me at any minute, but until we do…

 _We wheel the projector and a large white bedsheet into the Gryffindor common room._

"What's he up to now?" I hear a few kids whisper in fear, before NPC Seamus comes up and asks me the same question.

"With the mood around here, I thought we could watch a movie." I explain and pat the VHS…I didn't see one of these things until DVDs started showing up. "Y'know, ease the stress a bit."

"What's a movie?" One of the magic first years asks inquisitively.

 _'Magical' as in 'raised in magical world'._

"Muggle moving pictures." Seamus explains quickly before refocusing his attention. "How did you get something like this?"

I just grin and don't respond.

He accepts that as a reasonable counterargument. "So what are we watching?" He sighs.

 _We hang the white sheet and speakers on one end of the room and set the projector on the other end._

"A classic." I grin wider. "Also, mind the speakers, they're going to get a bit loud. Does anyone know a muffling spell?"

"Yep." A six year raises his hand.

"Cast it on the staircase, will you? I don't want to wake up anyone who wants to sleep."

"So what _are_ we watching?" Seamus asks again, this time quite curious.

Harry, who's been watching while having an internal debate on whether if I should be stopped, simply looks giddy. Must be the boy's first movie.

"You'll see." My grin is now hurting my face, and we get the ball rolling.

 _If you can tell what movie this is simply by what I'm about to write next, I applaud you._

Trumpets! Buh buh buh buuuuuuh BAH bah buh buh BAAAAAAAH BAH bah buh buh BAAAAAAAH BAH bah bah buh buh~~~

.

.

.

{ === + === }

Author Notes:

Yes that is Star Wars

Note: while Star Wars (IV) first came out in 1977 (predating the current scenario by 16 years), for the sake of narrative convenience we'll pretend they saw the 1997 special remake.


	12. Prisoner of Azkaban - Up To Christmas

{ === + === }

So following our introduction of Star Wars into the Gryffindor lexicon…within the following week, these things happened.

First off, the Gryffindor house split into four sub-factions of Han Solo, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Luke Skywalker, and Darth Vader. Everybody is quoting lines from at least one of the characters.

To be honest it's actually a little annoying, but eh.

Fred and George then created a "lightsaber" spell. It's just a glowing 'pipe' extending from the wand, but it creates all the requisite lightsaber noises, so now whenever two groups of Gryffindors meet in the hallways it devolves into a saber duel for a few minutes. Fun times.

 _We reverse-engineered the lightsaber effect and hooked it up to our car batteries so we can actually use it as a combat spell if necessary._

The students then lamented the lack of the Force for them to use.

To which Hermione remarked "there's a summoning charm, isn't there?"

She then became the most beloved Gryffindor for the next month, to her own eternal shame.

The result? Every Gryffindor third year (main characters included) and up are now able to cast an accio charm wandless. Like holy shit.

By Christmas, that ability extended to the entirety of the Hogwarts student body 3rd year and up…plus some select second years.

 _Technically the first movie showed none of the Force Picking Up Stuff, but we kind of spoiled it for them, so…_

…

In other news, the investigation into "who tore up the Fat Lady Portrait" has yielded no leads. I really wish I didn't twist the timeline up as badly as I did, because otherwise I would have a pretty good idea of what's going on right now…and a pretty good idea of how to counter it.

Ugh.

Oh well, spoiled milk and all that.

So, going through the timeline.

 _Keep in mind that these events occur before Christmas._

...

[Lupin's First Full Moon]

…

We got to hear Snape go "Turn to page three hundred and ninety four."

And then we lost five points for grinning like a fucking idiot afterwards. Three times.

We also lost ten points for making him repeat the page number (twice).

…

"Why did you think Snape gave us a less on bloody _werewolves?"_ Ron said bitterly as he struggled through his paper.

We're sitting in the Gryiffindor Common room. As I've finished with a large amount of my construction work, I can now afford to leave the base unattended (and besides, fuck the snow)

Also, thinking back on this: I know I did not pick on Remus being a werewolf when I first read through the book (I was 13 at the time, too). I know now, and even if I didn't know it's kind of hard to not pick up something foreshadowing on a dude named with two lupine terms.

 _Did Lupin's parents rename him after he was bitten or was that just how they wanted to name their kid?_

Who knows?

"It's a full moon; it's very thematic." I reply. I've already finished my paper.

 _We know Lupin won't care what we wrote so we just jotted down werewolf weaknesses in very large letters._

"Thematic?" Hermione doesn't quite believe me. "Professor Snape isn't one on theme, Ash."

I've seen him walk around the Chamber of Secrets in a white labcoat because I told him it was standard laboratory equipment. "He runs a potions class where we boil liquids in the dungeon."

"So?"

"So vapors go upwards." I stretch. "It's a bit of a health hazard to have all the fumes swim around down there." It also muddles results, if you think about it.

"So he gave us this class for a laugh?" Ron tosses his quill at the fireplace. It flies halfway before he changes his mind and draws it back with a silent accio.

"You guys have gotten frighteningly good with that." I comment as Ron goes back to his paper.

"It's odd how useful it is." Harry comments. "I wish I learned it sooner."

You did learn it sooner though.

 _Harry emphasizes his statement by throwing his wand across the room and returning it to his hand without doing anything other than opening his hand in the direction of his wand._

"It's a really neat trick." Harry grins. "When do we see episode five?"

Ha. "When I get the time to find it." I shrug.

 _We've told him that the first three episodes don't exist yet._

"I'm amazed McGonagall let you keep your stuff after she found out." Hermione said daintily.

"Makes the two of us." I had let McGonagall know that I was going to do something to cheer up the Gryffindors but I had neglected to say 'how'. In the end, she let me keep the equipment so long as I can find a place to store it, which I very obviously could…though wheeling it up and down the grand staircase is a little tough.

Also. "I'm amazed she sat down and watched it with us."

We had to play the movie four times. McGonagall got really mad at Jabba and muttered a lot of colorful things about what she could turn him into. She can also do a terrifyingly accurate Darth Vader impression.

If we get movie five we're going to show it to Flitwick. See if he can be Yoda for us.

Ron groans loudly. "This is getting nowhere. What did you write?" He sneaks a peek at my paper. "Snape will kill you for that." He laughs.

I brandish my paper that said KILL WEREWOLF WITH GUN and grins. "It's true though. You just have to use silver bullets."

"Knowing you, you probably have a way to fight werewolves already." Harry remarks.

He's entirely wrong. I have not prepared for anti-werewolf combat. "I have a few things lined up."

"Forget this." Ron tosses his paper aside. "Hogmeade?" He asks simply with a wide grin.

"Hogsmeade." Harry agrees with a nod. "Are you going too, Ash?"

Eh. "Undecided."

The two of them look at me in shock.

Hermione just sighs. "He sneaks out of the school every other evening. I don't think it matters to him."

Um. "And you know this why?"

She turns red and doesn't answer…though I guess this confirms that she's been keeping tabs on us. This might be a little problematic. This might be really problematic since she knows that Harry is afraid of us…and her loyalties lie closer to him than with us.

 _She might also assume that we were responsible for destroying the portrait._

…that is a possibility. A far-fetched one, but a possibility all the same. I still can't conclusively prove that I have not been affected by the diary, and I've never been good at keeping tabs on my memories, so it's possible that there's some unforeseen effect…or else I've already been attacked and had my memories modified.

"Besides, Hogsmeade is still a ways off." I point out. "You in particular, Harry, should be more worried about tomorrow."

Harry doesn't seem concerned. "I get to put Malfoy in his place. I'm not worried."

"He should be more worried about Black." Hermione reminds us.

…And now we come to the second reason for why we're sitting in the common room with the trio. Due to my exemplary combat prowess, I've been tasked (unofficially) to guard Harry after McGonagall saw how I pacified the Gryffindor's panic through the power of Hollywood. This means, among other things, that I now have teacher endorsement to randomly attack Harry whenever he's feeling complacent…but never when he's feeling safe. It's important for any human to have places where they feel safe.

Either way, Harry's getting good at throwing up shield charms at the drop of a hat. He was already pretty fast to begin with, but now it's just ludicrous.

…

[Next day]

…

It's rainy, it's wet, I'm annoyed, and I'm very glad I'm not on a broom right now.

 _In book, Malfoy got to sit this one out because of the injury he took from Buckbeak._

To top it off, I'm not even focused on the game because I'm worried about the Dementors showing up.

 _We could've just warned Dumbledore that this was a possibility._

He probably knows that this is a possibility. It's hard to enforce a rule when precedence doesn't exist though.

…I don't see how Harry can fly in this kind of rain. I also don't SEE Harry at all. Sheesh.

…

Gryffindors are up 80 – 30! I still have no idea what the fuck's going on.

…

"Can you see Harry anywhere?" I yell to the general audience.

No response.

…

Hermione, bless her heart, is clapping in a highly disengaged way after…whoever's doing the announcing, does his announcing.

Her hair's also a royal mess on account of the weather, and it…well, Hermy looks like she crawled out of a horror movie.

It's a little endearing, actually.

…

I feel cold. Cold that drives deep into my bones. I'm wearing a thick coat, so I'm sure this isn't the rain talking.

 _We look around wildly and see nothing but rain._

Correction: We see what could be a blotch of darker darkness in the darkness.

I think this is part of the story where I become the hero forever by making a Patronus so huge it obliterates the sun.

Unfortunately, I seem to have lost the ability to perform any action requiring physical movement. Which is a surprising plus, since all of my senses are telling me to curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out.

…I think I see someone falling. That's probably Harry.

…I think I'm now blind. That's probably Dumbledore. Jesus that was a bright patronus…and I guess that's one of the differences between a true patronus and the fake ones I can use. Another one of the differences: a corporeal patronus seems to have a calming aura, since I can feel my body relaxing.

"Harry!" Ron and Hermione yell in unison and jump into the pitch as Harry (half) gently crash-lands onto the ground.

I wonder who did the floating charm and who did the Eye Burning Patronus?

 _In this case, Professor Snape was responsible for slowing Harry's descent while Dumbledore tore the Dementors a proverbial asshole. Ash is not aware of this as he did not see it happen._

Either way, Ron and Hermy reach Harry…who is still conscious.

"Harry! Harry!" Ron can be heard even in the pounding rain.

 _We have reached Harry as well._

" 'maright." Harry mutters into the ground and Ron helps him to his feet. "I can walk."

…and it becomes very clear he is in no condition to be walking.

 _Madam Hooch basically carts him off the field, and the Gryffindors lose the first Quidditch match by a margin of 20 points._

Which isn't bad…though I wonder if Quidditch teams ever considered training substitute teammates?

…I guess it's good to know that if I meet a group of Dementors I'm just going to stand and be entirely useless. This was a useful lesson to learn before actually meeting a number of Dementors greater than one in actual battle, I suppose.

 _We sound very unexcited about the fact that Harry fell from the sky and was ok._

I should have some other kind of emotion right now, but the combination of the Dementor aftereffects and the rain and the general somber mood means the only thing I feel is irritation and bottomless despair.

Good times.

…

So after Harry got squared away in the Hospital Wing, the following events occurred.

First off, Lupin agreed to teach him how to cast the Patronus Charm. Harry has been trying to learn it on his own, but it's not going well. Apparently there is more to the spell than just "use a happy memory" that can't be put into books.

I still chalk it up to shitty wizard documentation.

Second, Harry saved himself (for a very loose definition of the term) through fast chanting a levitation charm he managed to pull off wandless. Strictly speaking he didn't _levitate_ , but the reduction of impact force meant he was momentarily conscious and could feel his bones snapping instead of passing out entirely.

In retrospect I'm not sure how that's a good thing.

Third, when Harry came around he admitted to seeing a large black dog before falling off his broom. I contacted Sirius afterwards and he claimed proudly to be the culprit. I spent the rest of that day being ashamed at the older man.

Fourth, Harry's Nimbus 2000 had a meeting with the Whomping Willow. It ended in tears and the two will not be having future meetings regardless of location. Very sad.

Also I should look into broomstick insurance as a viable source of revenue.

We've informed Sirius about Harry's broom being destroyed while guilt-tripping Sirius slightly. Sirius promises to purchase the Firebolt for his godson and mail it before the year is over.

 _Can he just send it under our name?_

I…it would be odd if I did it, since my reputation as a weirdo and a psychopath far outstrips my reputation as a magnanimous friend with a lot of spending money. Plus I don't actually have that kind of wizarding money (by choice).

So we're just going to have Sirius buy it and send it anonymously and have that subplot trigger.

…

Fast Forward to the first Hogsmeade visit!

Harry, per his weakness to Dementors, had his visitation status suspended. Suffice to say he wasn't happy about that.

 _We might have been responsible for this by convincing McGonagall to bring down the banhammer a little._

I'm trying to skew the timeline back to its canonical status a little bit, just so I can more accurately predict what's going to happen.

Anyways, this means that Harry got the Marauder's map from the twins and snuck out like he should have.

We, on the other hand, occupied an empty classroom and set up four rings with metal plates attached to them.

 _Why not do this in the Chamber?_

Myrtle's distracting. Plus I needed some place that I can blow up without worrying about the bills. So to speak.

"What are you doing?"

 _Upon hearing someone inquire so innocently, the only thing we could do was jump and suffer an almost-heart attack._

It's…it's just Luna. Ok. Whew. Jesus.

"I'm training." I say with surprising evenness in my voice.

"What for?" Luna invites herself into the room and takes a seat by the wall.

"I'm bored and need something to do." I reply. "If you're going to watch, then please stay put." I don't trust my control enough to have a little kid wandering around the training area willy-nilly.

 _Luna nods, but we've already diverted our attention._

Ok…

Go.

 _The four rings of metal pads start spinning around._

I create two small birds and they hover around our head. Note that they blow up.

 _We count slowly to five and feel one of the metal plates change in heat._

Deploy bird to metal plate!

 _The explosive bird zooms towards the metal plate and explodes against it._

This is basically target practice. I'm using a spell that reports subtle heat changes to give targeting vectors to the birds. Having Luna in the room complicates it a little bit as I need to make sure I don't accidentally shoot her in the face every time I deploy a bird, but it's good experience nevertheless.

 _This is training our creation time and path creation times._

Avis, the bird making spell, has two forms (technically). A low mana type that creates autonomous puppets and a high mana type that creates self-aware golems. If nothing happens to the birds (like, say, we jihad them into a building) they return back to their base materials.

 _If they explode they also return to their initial materials, but obviously since the bird isn't intact anymore the materials are scattered all over the place and thus makes it difficult to verify the returned-status of the ex-bird materials._

In any event, we use the low mana type subconsciously and thus our birds don't behave like real birds. By default the spell uses the caster's knowledge on birds to give the golems autonomy, so in our case we're trying to override that default behavior with something that can actually provide a tangible benefit to us.

It's slow going, to be honest. When I first came up with the spell I was just very happy that the birds could fly in the general direction I wanted. Now, they can maneuver around simple obstacles and hit targets before having to explode.

 _So we've hit our version 1 release._

Pretty much.

…

 _We practice for another hour before exhaustion sets in and we have to pack up._

"Do you do this every day?" Luna asks inquisitively.

Wave wand, remove rings..."More or less. I switch up what spells to practice to make it less dull though." With exception to the Electrified Prismatic Beam, as I can't gauge how much power it has and I'm thoroughly unwilling to try it while being surrounded by guard Dementors.

"Why do you work so hard?"

"Because it's fun. Sometimes a little tedious, but fun." I scan the room one more time to make sure everything's back where it should be. "You know I'm muggle-born, right?"

She nods.

"So being able to play with magic like this is a lot of fun for me." I grin. "Plus I get to learn a lot, and that's never a bad thing."

Luna…is twelve. She's not stupid, but the idea that someone can take such enjoyment in the things she finds mundane is a little out of her reach.

So she just stares at us.

…

[That Evening]

…

Harry enters the scene while the other two members of his trio were already cuddles by the fire.

 _And what are we doing?_

We have annexed Crookshanks and is petting her without any reservation.

Have I ever mentioned that I love cats?

 _Multiple times._

…it was rhetorical.

…also, is it just me or is Harry a bit angrier than usual?

"You alright there, Harry?" I ask him.

…and I get a glare in return. Huh.

"Can we talk?" He mutters/seethes.

 _Ron and Hermione share a concerned glance before following the two of us into the Gryffindor dorm tower._

Oookay. "What's this about?"

"Did you know about Black?" Harry demands, probably after having overhead a plot advancing conversation in an inn somewhere.

 _That description is not because we forgot the name of the place. Definitely not. Nope._

Time to put on my pants of subjective truth. "Know what about him?"

Apparently that was not the right tone to take. "Did know that Black was friends with my dad?" Harry says through gritted teeth.

Also, very glad I don't react to news in any overt way, so I can just go "Yikes."

"You knew, didn't you?" Hermione asks me dubiously.

Huh. "What would it have meant if I did?" I frown. "Or are you suddenly out for revenge?"

"That's not it." Harry snaps. "That man you were with."

…Ah.

"What?" Hermione looks positively shocked that I would spend my time with men.

 _Har har har._

"That man was Sirius Black, wasn't he."

That wasn't a question though. "Correct." I nod.

 _Hermione jumps to her feet._

"Now, Harry." I hold up a hand before he could unleash all of his adolescent fury. "What did you hear about Sirius?"

"How can you—" Hermione starts, probably to question the logic of my involvement with a crazy psychotic murderer…but we stop her with the same held up hand.

Harry suddenly gets a little defensive. "What do you mean?"

What do I…oh right we shouldn't know about him sneaking out. Oops. "I mean…something set you off, right? So what happened?"

…

 _He describes the whole Pettigrew versus Sirius thing to us._

…

Ron picks up the discrepancy first. "Wait, wait…we met that Pettigrew bloke down in the Chamber." He shudders. "He was with that Tom Riddle…You-Know-Who."

Harry nods slowly. "Yeah, and Sirius helped us against the basilisk."

The three of them have a moment as they process that information.

"But Sirius killed Pettigrew already." Harry repeats himself. "But both of them were there…"

It took them five minutes to get to this point. "So somebody lied about something." I summarize.

"Or maybe Sirius Black wasn't that great of a wizard." Hermione mutters.

 _We resist the urge to grin._

Again, Ron's on point today. "But if he wasn't that great of a wizard, then how did he break out of Azkaban?" He asks.

Hermione doesn't really have an answer for that, so she settles on looking pensive and confused.

Also, I should probably stop whatever she's planning. "Hermy, don't bring this information to the teachers just yet."

She glares at me (with some confusion). "Why?"

"Because currently all we have is conjecture…best guesses." I hold up my hand to start ticking down fingers. "First off, we know that Sirius and Pettigrew had a duel."

"And we also know that Pettigrew getting killed was a lie." Harry adds…a bit more angrily than I had anticipated.

"We know that Pettigrew is alive." I nod. "So obviously him being killed was a lie…now that being said, it's a fact that people believe he was killed." I tick down another finger. "We know that Sirius escaped from Azkaban."

"He also helped us." Harry adds.

"That's true. However, he is still considered an enemy of the wizarding community." I stare at Hermy to see if she gets it. She does, because she's bright as all hell. "Until we can concretely determine what's going on, we shouldn't report our guesses as fact."

She rolls her eyes, but at least seems to concede the point.

…

 _Harry visited Hagrid the next day, and since Buckbeak was not in danger of being executed Hagrid was in the mood to entertain guests._

Hagrid was…less than forward about the relationship between Sirius and Potter Senior.

 _Not gonna call him James?_

It feels slightly disrespectful.

 _And Sirius is Sirius because…_

…no comment.

Anyways.

Hagrid was obviously uncomfortable about sharing any information concerning Sirius, and Harry couldn't dig too deep or the big man would clam up and refuse to say anything. Eventually we had to step in.

Now, Hagrid doesn't trust us. He thinks we're insane and that we are a bad influence on Harry.

 _He's right._

But Hagrid does care deeply for Harry, and by capitalizing on that—by pointing out on how much danger Harry would be subjected to if Sirius confused Harry with the information he wanted—we were able to get Hagrid to spill the beans.

Turns out, Hagrid didn't have a lot of beans to spill in the first place.

Harry learned a fair amount about Sirius and James being buddy buddy (more precisely just how they went about being buddy buddy) but for the most part he didn't learn anything of importance.

 _Without the Buckbeak storyline, Hagrid really diminishes in plot significance._

Yeah.

Although, if Ron is to be believed, his classes are still exercises in how many safety violations he can rack up in one day.

…

 _Nothing else major happens until Christmas._

Harry gets his Firebolt from Sirius (who told me ahead of time that he'd send it). Hermione is worried that the Firebolt is from Sirius. Ron thinks she's nutters. Hermione wants to send it to McGonagall to check for curses. Harry thinks she's nutters.

We sleep in on Christmas morning and then get rudely interrupted by the three asking for a second opinion.

"Yeah, do it."

Both Harry and Ron think we're nutters. Ron in particular thinks we're insanely nutters and demands to know what our reasoning would be.

Obviously I can't tell them that it was safe, even though Sirius cleared it. "I don't think Sirius Black would send Harry such an obvious trap."

"What do you mean?" Hermy asks.

"I would think that a cunning wizard like Black, if he were actually after Harry, would send him something innocuous and difficult to detect with a curse on it. Like that quill you're holding, for example."

Hermione drops the high quality writing quill I got her as if it burned her hand. I was really tempted to just buy her a box of pencils, but I'm pretty sure that would be a bit insulting.

 _Harry was then nipped by a copy of the Monster Book of Monsters._

"Or he could just let Hagrid's class take care of things instead. You ok there, Harry?"

Hermy looks a bit confused. "But you still want the broom checked?"

To be honest I just want to set the storyline back on its canon rails a little, but I can't say that, so…

"Yeah. I don't think Sirius sent it, but I do think someone sending a high quality item like this is cause for suspicion. Better check it now and make sure everything's good to go than fly into the Whomping Willow again."

"But who would want to jinx Harry?" Ron insists.

 _Gee I wonder_

"Who would send Harry a Firebolt?" I yawn. "Now shoo, I need to get dressed."

 _They're not entirely convinced (though Hermy's happy that I agreed with her) and leave._

…

Christmas comes and goes (we get the third book in anger management from McGonagall, different author this time, but the same series).

Like I kind of wish something happened just so I can have something to talk about and plan around but so far nothing has happened.

…

After Christmas Break is when Harry gets his first actual Patronus lesson, so let's hope something interesting happens…I mean, hell, even the Dementors have been more subdued than normal.

 _So we want someone to get hurt for our entertainment._

Yes.

.

.

.

{ === + === }

Author Notes: I've long since forgotten what I wanted to put here.


	13. Prisoner of Azkaban - Endgame

{ === + === }

Christmas went.

Harry starts his Patronus training.

We…get to listen in, because Harry asked and Lupin agreed.

 _But only for one lesson though. Lupin's acutely aware of what it means for teachers to give students preferential treatment._

I don't think that's it…he's probably more worried about what kind of reputation Harry will get for associating with a werewolf after his (Lupin's) story becomes known.

Either way, Harry's first lesson started off on a pretty bad foot for two reasons. One: he's still more scared of me than a Dementor (albeit barely, so we had instances where the boggart showed either my head perched on a Dementor's nonexistent body or my body with the Dementor's hood) and two, the practice I made him do caused him to create bad habits, which had to be unlearned before the real training could begin.

Also: both configurations of me plus Dementor make me look like an emo douche. I'm at that age, I suppose.

 _Note the lack of denial._

Also also: I tried to learn to cast a proper Patronus (complete with real adult guidance!), but it was still ultimately unsuccessful.

Lupin's response: "While that is a shame given your penchant for spellwork, it's far from uncommon to have spells that you are simply not attuned to. Fortunately, your love for old spells will serve you just as well as the Patronus Charm, so don't feel down."

He did, however, delay us from leaving during the lesson (and he did it without getting Harry's suspicion, too).

 _When Lupin was certain he was not in danger of being overheard._

"Now, pardon me for saying this, Ash." Lupin has a very serious tone. "But I do believe you are being disingenuous about who you are."

Har har har. "Beg to differ, professor, but I am who I am."

Lupin nods with a slight, but kind, smile. "I think you are older than you appear to be, or at least have been put under considerable, constant duress."

Interesting. "How am I older than I look? I don't feel any different." I emphasize my point by tugging on my arms a little.

"It's because your inability to produce a Patronus is very similar to the plight of those who newly learn this spell well past their teenage years." Lupin says. "I assume you are familiar with muggle studies of the body?"

Ooh, now this I gotta hear. "A little bit."

Lupin nods. "It is my belief that the Patronus charm is easiest to learn during a person's teenage years due to what the muggles call 'hormones'."

…

 _Lupin is bemused at the expression on our face._

So basically a Patronus is a magical boner.

 _Where did you get that conclusion?_

"That…" I rub my temples. "That makes sense. The teenager years is when the rapid development hugely affects the hormones or something, so I can imagine memories being sharper and easier to use like that…"

"Also, you carry yourself like an adult." Lupin adds. "Though you engage with peers normally, you have a tendency to stand back and guide them, without, dare I say it, the air of superiority usually reserved for prefects."

Wow. Sorry Perce. "I'm naturally introverted."

Lupin doesn't seem to know that term. "Intro…?"

"Basically, I don't mind interacting with people but when given the opportunity I'd rather be alone."

Disclaimer: not a psychiatrist, I just had internet access before I came here.

"I see…" Lupin smiles slightly. "Sounds familiar."

…I imagine he would have had a similar childhood experience by virtue of turning into a wolf every 28 days.

"Either way, if it makes it easier on you then by all means consider me an adult." I shrug.

Lupin nods. "At the very least, I hope you consider your actions and their consequences as the adult you seem to be."

I am making decisions with my adult rationale. "I'll keep that in mind, professor."

…though I guess it says a lot about how 'adult' I am, huh?

…

So. Moving right along.

…

 _Oh, before we do that. Minor tangent. You know the thing about the school psychic making a prediction about how the first person to stand up at the dinner's table will die? It will not show up as we refused to go to it. It still totally happened though._

…

Let's…go through it by event, rather than timeline, this time.

 _Is it because you forgot what happened when?_

No. Definitely not. What could've possibly given you the idea?

…

[Hermione/Ron]

…

Seeing as Scabbers is already revealed to be a creepy little man who sleeps with a family's boys (seriously Peter you need to make better life choices) Crookshanks never did manage to damage their relationship.

It makes me wonder though. If Crookshanks just upped and murdered Scabbers one morning how would the books have changed?

 _Crookshanks would've saved the world, or something._

Anyways, given the point of conflict between the two no longer exists, their relationship is still polite.

 _Romantic intent?_

Eh…I don't think so? Granted I haven't paid the two of them too much attention, but as far as I can tell Hermy considers Ron a friend and little beyond that.

 _Are we going to ship them?_

…I like the Fred/Hermy ship better. I think I'll try to steer for that.

If only because having Fred die would be so much more tragic.

 _Erm._

Not saying we want him to die! My seven year plan exists to make sure Fred doesn't die. I think.

…

[The Trio/Us]

…

Why is this section here?

 _Just answer the question._

Uh…Hermy's cautious around us because we're a weird American. The fact that we occasionally do slip and call her "Hermy" aloud instead of just in our head doesn't make matters better.

The fact that our explanation every time amounts to "your name is long and hard" _really_ doesn't make things easier…but we do get a small, confused smile out of her every now and then, so it's not a total loss.

Harry…well, we're guarding him, so we kind of have to be on good terms…I think the only reason we're still friends is because Harry's inherently a good guy, though.

Ron…he's friends with us by virtue of us being friends with Harry. I have nothing else to offer on this subject because wow have I been ignoring Ron.

Long story short: still tentatively friends.

…

[Harry's First Quidditch Game Post Midseason Upgrade]

…

That has to be the longest section title…meh.

As expected, Harry's innate skill plus his experience PLUS the cheat-o-broom means he stomps all over Ravenclaw and wins the game and the cup. Harry is…arguably not as good of a flier as he is in canon, because I'm blocking off sections of his time for combat practice, but it still worked out for the best.

 _In other news, Oliver hates us with a burning passion._

Yep.

Like in the book, Malfoy and his buddies showed up dressed like Dementors, and like the book Harry shot his Full Patronus at the group. Unlike the book I also got my shot in.

 _By hooking up our Prismatic Lens to the two car batteries and firing off what is possibly the strongest version of Lumos in the history of wizardkind (while adding in a Fus Ro Dah for dramatic effect). We silenced the entire stadium._

I fired it off safely into the sky, no worries. McGonagall docked 50 points from Slytherin and gave us (me and Harry) 5 apiece for the spellwork.

Harry's Full Patronus was a Stag the size of a full grown moose (and holy shit those things are huge). Harry's also starting to like Cho Chang.

I…on one hand I feel like I have a duty to ensure that this doesn't crash and burn, but on the other hand I want the canon to progress properly to avoid weird bullshit from happening…

…and I kind of want to watch Harry crash and burn, not gonna lie. Also I should start scouting around for a psychiatrist in the event that we are unable to save Cedric.

 _More also: since Sirius isn't the perp this time around the part where Neville misplaces the password to the room doesn't happen._

However, the castle did show signs of forced entry elsewhere. The main gate was dented (not badly) but it was enough to get the teachers worried…and I mean, _really_ worried. When the gate was found there was no sign of actual entry into the castle, but the teachers treated it as if the apocalypse was coming down on us.

 _By making everyone sleep in the common room._

In a surprise twist McGonagall gave me secret (read: whispered) orders to defend Harry Potter "at all costs." I…I knew the school's a bit jumpy with the belief that Sirius's out to kill Harry, but the reaction surprised me.

So I asked around.

"The Hogwarts main gate is enchanted." Hermione had explained. "You can't force your way in. You-Know-Who himself wouldn't be able to force his way in."

I don't know how that works, but I assume it's magic and just frown and nod cautiously.

 _As we are wont to do._

Yes…though, to be truthful, this is largely to cover the fact that I felt the urge to pit the enhanced Prismatic Beam against the gate and see what comes out on top.

…

[Marauder's Map]

…

So the increased security comes to a head during the second Hogsmeade visit.

 _Incidentally, Neville did not get his visitation rights revoked this time as he did not have his password paper stolen._

Like the book, Harry sneaks out in his invisibility cloak with his buddies and Malfoy comes over for a fight.

Unlike the book, Hermy—who has a higher temper than normal due to me being me—was going to take literally none of Malfoy's shit towards Ron and before Harry could jump to his friend's defense, she silently stole the Bad Boy Trio's wands via summoning charm and then blasted the fuck out of them with a Prismatic Beam.

 _We heard all of that after the fact._

My first taste of the aftermath was when the trio came back. Harry and Ron were all grins and Hermy looked really angry with herself. She also got angrier at us when we asked her why she was so angry, so we spent the rest of the night being really confused.

Eventually Harry and Ron told us what happened and then we had our dumbass grin on our face while Hermy did her best to ignore us forever.

Next day, Snape took fifteen points from Hermione for "unnecessary violence" and demanded that she return the wands she stole from the Slytherins. Given that Hermione wasn't prone to keeping trophies in the first place, she had given the wands to McGonagall (who accepted with no small amounts of confusion) and thus didn't have them on hand.

 _McGonagall eventually returned the wands with, according to bystanders, one hell of a smirk. She also privately gave Hermione 50 points for exceptional spellwork and docked 5 from me for being 'a bad influence'._

 _We accepted all of that in stride, still too prideful of Hermione's graduation into using heavy artillery to care._

…

[Research]

…

Not much to be said about this little bit. We got a bit better at doing everything?

 _With…?_

I had a lot of fun practicing with the Avis spell. At some point we roped Luna AND Hermy into helping us with the Avis spell. Luna gets points for learning the spell pretty much through watching.

Anyways, we got better with using our birds as homing projectiles. They can now trace and hit targets that are highly agile and are actually respectably fast, and can use basic flight maneuvers at will to better strike at their targets…having someone to practice with really speeds things up.

Between the two girls, Hermy's birds were easier to hit, despite her being able to make more of them and at higher qualities.

 _She was not pleased about that._

Hermione's birds were textbook golems: they were fast, tough, and amazingly agile. They also flew in straight lines and lazy, wide circles that made them incredibly easy to track and destroy. She was not amused when I made this point explicit.

Luna on the other hand…her golem birds may as well be powered by caffeine by how erratic their movement patterns are. This makes her golems fucking impossible to pin down and it felt a lot like trying to hit real birds. Their erratic movement also causes the golems to lose airspeed very rapidly and they'll actually stall though, so half the time they just stop moving and get slammed.

 _Hermione picked up on the whole 'evasive flying' idea fast enough, but her birds remain more predictable._

Good times were had, and now I'm pretty sure my Avis spell is now…well, I guess it's not as powerful as the constantly evolving Prismatic Beam, and it probably never will be, but it's one of the spells I'll end up using for a long time.

 _Just like the Sucker Punch and the Wind of Sleep._

Super Short Range: Sucker Punch.

Short Range: Wind Of Sleep.

Medium Range: Prismatic Beam.

Long Range/Trap: Modified Avis. I need a custom name for this one.

 _So we finally have a permanent replacer to the bit attacks we keep experimenting on._

Yeah. Much as I loved the bit attacks they turned out to be less efficient than Avis.

We've also started to experiment on what qualifies to be created by the Avis spell. For example: we tried to make cats using the bird making spell (a sacrilege of the highest order) and it didn't pan out (the dirt we were trying to manipulate remained dirt). We then tried to make cats that have wings, and it also didn't pan out.

We made chickens and ducks, and those worked fine (they couldn't lay eggs due to not being alive though). We also made Osprey and Emus, too, so at least the presence of the wing means nothing.

Fun fact: the size of the bird has a very small influence on how much magical power is needed to create said bird. The most power is expended on the quality of the end product...and the sustaining length of the golem, obviously.

So, with our extensive knowledge of useless trivia, we're wondering if it's possible to make creatures only tentatively considered 'birds', which means I'm in the market for a movie starring a Jeff Goldblum, an underpaid IT tech, and a clever girl.

 _It came out in 1993, so it should be available by the 4th book's summer break (1994)._

Hopefully, but it doesn't matter because

IT'S THE END OF THE YEAR AND RIDDLE STOOD US UP

…

[3rd Book Endgame]

…

SO.

Obviously the canon endgame of the third book has gone to hell.

I had expected for there to be some kind of…I dunno, clear resolution to this Ghost Riddle business. I was wrong.

The fact that Riddle was a no show is probably…hell, it's definitely scarier than if he had showed up for the epic duel, because I'm relying on the fact that he is prideful to the point of suicidal to predict his movements, and by not going after us (after we've made it very clear that we don't care about his reputation) he's going against what I think he should be doing.

 _To add to that, we have heard literally nothing in the news about strange disappearances or unexplainable attacks, and the Dementors have been fairly well behaved after Christmas._

Uuuuugh.

 _We were so bummed that a homicidal maniac didn't try to kill us that we spent the end of the term being all mopey and shit._

Grr…well, wrap ups.

Lupin also lasted a year, though in this case he gave us (Harry mostly) a dodgy reason for leaving. Key difference from canon: Lupin never made his connection to Sirius explicit (and by extension Harry doesn't know about Sirius being Padfoot nor Lupin being Moony). His dodgy reason for leaving makes me think that he's getting an assignment from Dumbledore for some reason, though.

 _Why?_

I dunno. I think Dumbledore's more apprehensive about there being a young Voldemort running around somewhere than I am by the sheer virtue of experience. I haven't gotten the chance to talk to him, so I have no idea.

…

I am _really_ annoyed about not having to fight a psychotic murderer. Wow.

…

…

 _On the second to last day of the term, Ron catches us halfheartedly packing away our bags._

"You alright there, mate?" Ron asks cautiously.

"I'm fine." I reply automatically (still depressed about not being murdered). "What's up?"

"Um. You know the Quidditch world finals are this summer, right?"

…I…had forgotten. Kind of. "Yes…?"

"Well, if you don't have anything else to do for the summer, I figured you'd like to go with us." He trails off towards the end…

…aww, he's trying to be nice. I sound like an asshole for saying it that way, but I'm…impressed really isn't the word, but I _am_ impressed.

"When is it?" I ask.

He's very obviously relieved for some reason. "August 25th, before the new term starts."

That gives me plenty of time…though I always remembered it as being early August rather than late. "Sure, I'll probably be back by then."

…

"Why were you so surprised Ron extended an invite?" Sirius asks when we're 'home' at Grimmauld Place, as it were. "The kid's not brain-dead."

 _Sirius took our advice to heart and studied on how to dress like a muggle. He showed up at the Hogwarts Express dressed in a well-tailored grey suit and shades._

He looked like…what's his face. Iron Man.

 _Robert Downey Jr._

Yeah, him. Just with long hair.

"I haven't paid him much attention, so the fact that he did something at all is surprising." I reply distractedly. "How's the house treating you?"

Sirius grins. "I have to admit, it's much better brightly lit. What are your plans for the summer? Or should we spend some father-son time?"

Eyeroll. "I'm going back to the states for a bit; I need to collect reference material."

"Material you can't find around here?" Sirius frowns. "Must be something special."

Actually I just don't feel like getting my footsteps traced by the ministry. "Hopefully. Feel like coming along?"

Sirius blinks in surprise. "What?"

"What are you gonna do for the summer, sulk in your house?" I grin…but it fades fast. "The Ministry's still sending Dementors everywhere looking for you. Staying in the country isn't what I'd consider a good idea."

"The ministry's still looking after the Floo Network. How do you plan to leave?" Sirius asks with a surprisingly naïve innocence.

So of course our response is a very confused "We buy a plane ticket and fly. How else?"

"Muggle transportation, of course...why am I not surprised?" Sirius sighs through a slowly spreading smile…the man has missed a lot of his life stuck in prison, it seems. "When do we leave?"

.

.

.

{ === + === }

Author Notes:

And the twist this time is that nothing happens!

 _Worst twist ever._

They can't all be winners.


	14. Goblet of Fire - World Series

{ === + === }

Weeeeeeee~

…

Aww.

…

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

…

Awwww.

…

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

…

[3rd Person Camera]

…

"What is he doing?" Harry asks Ron nervously.

"He's doing vertical climbs." Ron follows Ash's brief ascents and descents with a bored expression.

"But why is he doing that?" Harry asks again.

Ron just stretches. "Harry, if the bloke himself won't tell you, what makes you think I'd know?"

"Maybe he excitedly told you or something." Harry replies in perfect deadpan.

"When he's excited he stops making sense." Ron copies Harry's bored tone. "It's quite impressive, actually."

Author spoke behind the two, making them jump. "I find his enthusiasm endearing! It's not very often we see someone as dedicated to their craft as Fred and George."

"Without the chance of blowing things up." Percy adds.

"I daresay he's way more destructive than we are." Fred counters indignantly while quenching the blazing bush next to him (George's fault).

"Have you seen the spells he tosses around?" George asks conversationally while trying to catch the mysteriously flying laundry (Fred's fault).

"Still, what is he doing?" Harry redirects back to the original topic.

…

[1st Person Camera]

…

Whew.

 _We're currently sitting on a broomstick in the sky._

At an altitude of 1795 feet.

 _How very specific._

I bought an altimeter for this very reason.

 _And that reason would be…?_

Testing the flight ceiling of a broomstick. This particular broom (an old model of I Don't Know What) has a stable flight ceiling of about 1700 feet, 1800 feet on a good day.

…Now I'm using the term 'stable' quite loosely here, because I'm already stalling and falling.

This is fun. Harrowing, because sometimes the brooms don't quite pull up right, but…

Alright

C'mon

Pull up

Pull up you little shit

…Theeere we go.

 _We levelled out of the spiraling dive at 20 feet above the Burrow._

Whew.

 _So how do we really feel about this?_

If I didn't enforce this otherworldly calmness, there would simply be screaming.

…Anyways, it's a little sad that I can only stay at the flight ceiling for about three seconds.

 _Why are we trying to climb as high as possible again?_

Curiosity. I wanted to see if it was possible to go to space on a broom (nevermind the other challenges).

 _And that curiosity came from…_

…Uh.

During the summer vacation back in the States, I was reminded of Reagan's Star Wars defense system. Y'know, the laser satellites.

So…

 _You thought you'd get started on making a magical equivalent._

…Yes and no. I'm not smart enough to figure out lasers and especially laser interaction with the atmosphere on reentry, so I figured I'd do something similar to the spear of god experiment instead.

 _The what?_

Y'know, a satellite based kinetic weapon delivery system. Spear of God. Kill Voldemort and everything around him in a mile radius with a pipe made of solid lead dropped from the heavens.

 _And how many laws are we going to break in order to make that satellite?_

Uh…all of them? I mean we've already broken like fifty laws, so what's a hundred more?

 _What?_

Oh.

Right.

Well I took some time during the Summer Break to visit Wall Street with Sirius and eventually convinced him to help me manipulate the stock market.

 _So you commited an international crime?_

I think I committed an act of war? I dunno. Over the course of five days we enchanted the entire New York Stock Exchange with a self-propagating hex that siphoned a small percentage of every trade made in association with the exchange. The amount siphoned isn't much (it's roughly half a penny per every hundred stocks traded), but it carried an unintended side effect.

 _Note that Sirius was responsible for about 90% of the spell's finer crafting details._

It wasn't as hard as I expected. Might be because the thing we're targeting has zero innate resilience?

Anyways.

Since the hex was defined as "in association with the exchange" the hex propagated over to other markets due to users for both markets (rich blokes playing both the US and Japan stock market, for example) so at the beginning of August the hex was draining money from like 75% of the trading world.

In other news, the world was way more connected in the 90s than I gave it credit for. The first day after the spell went active (where it was only active on the New York Stock Exchange) I made almost fifteen grand, and it only went up from there.

 _Odds of detection?_

Pretty minor. It's scripted to show up as a part of the upkeep cost of the end terminals (the computers) so I don't think most people would care about an extra penny being charged every few days.

 _I'll take your word for it. So how does our bank account look like now?_

Um. Well at least I don't have to fabricate money anymore.

 _Because…_

…I'm a millionaire now (several times over). I've invested some of the funds into Silicon Valley since the American dot com bubble is just starting to ramp up. Remind me to sell off when it bursts.

Also, I did not realize Apple was in the pits during this time…obviously I bought in, but…I wonder if this will affect Apple's comeback?

 _Are we still considered good guys?_

We were never good guys. I mean, being able to do this and get away with plausible deniably is the entire reason why I tossed the Basilisk money away.

 _Sirius had said: "If I knew what you were doing, I think I would either be very proud or horrified."_

To which we replied: "You'd be horrified, so you're better off not knowing."

 _Sirius had said: "You're a problematic child in many ways."_

I think the best part of this whole thing is that I haven't broken any statutes of Secrecy, which still baffles me. Er…well, more accurately, nobody has come looking for me.

Which is kind of weird on its own, since, y'know, Sirius Fucking Black is running around.

Speaking of Sirius. He has a fanclub now.

 _How?_

As a straight manchild, I say this with absolutely no sarcasm: Sirius Black is _fucking hot_.

…After he cleans up properly. Given that I've practically forced him to get a haircut and wear muggle clothing of the dapper variety (crisp suit and tie or form-fitting t-shirts) he is Magical Tony Stark.

And Magical Tony Stark attracts women like nobody's business. Icing on the cake: Sirius has no idea what to do with his newfound bundles of women. He's a Casanova one on one (when he's not busy brooding), but I guess this is too much for him.

 _What's with that high and mighty tone? It would be too much for you, too._

Yeah, but I'm a nerd. I have an excuse called "never touched a woman in my life".

 _Most people would not consider that a point of pride._

Most people would not abuse Harry Potter Magic for illegal financial gain, either…and technically I'm not 'stealing' anything, just creating wealth out of nothing.

…No, seriously. Because the money is electronic there's nothing for a spell to steal. That was why the spell needed to be changed just a little bit for it to work.

…

Anyways.

Other things we did during the summer…obviously we're at the Burrow now to wait for the transportation to the World Cup, but…

Lessee…I found the movie with the Clever Girl with no effort. Debating on showing that to the kids when I get back to school.

We also bought Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. Definitely gonna show that when we get back. Maybe a little Indiana Jones afterwards?

Also, I got to spend some more time in biology which both improved the craftsmanship of my Avis spell, and increased the regeneration speed of the auto-heal spell I placed on myself.

 _How's that working out for you?_

I've casted the spell into my marrow, and so I now have a permanent healing factor, barring extraordinary circumstances.

 _One: how? And two, what circumstances?_

Funnily enough, enchanting into the marrow isn't hard; it's just a matter of clearly defining what the target of the spell is (much like how locomotor mortis, when casted at someone's head, will still affect their legs). As for damage threshold…it's not _that_ impressive. So long as an attack can't kill me outright or cause me to bleed out faster than I can bleed back in, I will regenerate from the damage and be right as rain.

…Well, that last part also caused me to look into reinforcing the human skin in some way.

 _And the results of that…_

…Was not so good. Let's just say that "stoneskin" has some unforeseen side effects along from the foreseen ones. The best I came up with is to enchant body hair to create small plates of solidified wind, which sounds awesome, but in practice is less useful than carrying a notebook and enchanting every page to be steel. In entirely unrelated news, we've added two decks of playing cards to our ever increasing arsenal of democracy™.

Really the biggest payoff is the fact that we can now make larger and better constructed birds.

What else…

…Apart from more practice (which by now is a given) I think that's it for the major events? To prep for the tournament coming up I also bought books on scuba gear and sonar, but until I actually start reading them they don't matter much.

 _Riddle?_

I haven't heard anything about Riddle for the entire summer…which is good, in the sense that nothing big appeared in the UK to the point where it would show up in American news sources, but also means I still don't know where Riddle is.

The longer I don't know where he is, the more unnerved I get.

…in the same vein of thought, I bought a cardboard box and enchanted it to highlight the printed word 'found' or 'dead' for any written document placed inside it. It's proving to be a pleasantly fast way of clearing through the newspapers to see if I can find anything interesting, like the dead guy at the beginning of book 4. In related news, a lot of pets get lost around here.

…

[One Week before Transportation]

…

"Ok, guys? Can I have a map to the place?"

 _We had asked that around the breakfast table. To nobody's surprise, the table falls silent._

The fact that we're usually a silent eater doesn't help any.

"I'm sorry?" Arthur asks for clarification.

"You're not going to be travelling with us, then?" Harry summarizes.

I nod. "I want to move some stuff to the campsite on the day of, so knowing where to go would help a lot."

"The Portkey would be faster." Ron points out. "How much stuff are you moving?"

Ha.

I like how he _immediately_ regretted asking that question.

"A lot." I reply. "I want to bring the stuff for the site and to be honest I'm not comfortable packing it all into a bag of holding."

 _"The stuff?" Harry mouths to Hermione, who just shrugs._

"A what?" The twins ask.

I pat my utility belt and they go "oh."

"So you're still going to be there, right?" Ron asks.

I was gonna say 'hell yeah' but I don't think Molly would approve. "No doubt about it."

Arthur swallows his mouthful and takes out a map. "Well, the site is unmappable, but this should help you find your bearings."

"We'll put up a sign for you when we get there." Fred says with a grin. I'm a little worried about what the sign will be, but…

"Hey, if I can see it from the sky, it's all good."

Fred and George share a glance and grin maniacally. I approve. However, Molly doesn't, so…

I must amend my statement. "I need to be able to see it for longer than five minutes."

"Aww."

 _Mrs. Weasley looks quite angry._

…

[Three Days before Transportation]

…

"You're moving all of this stuff?" Sirius asks us.

We're back at the United States Hideout now.

 _Hideout?_

Ohright. I have established hideouts between Britain and the US so we can travel without worry of being discovered. This primarily benefits Sirius, since it means he has a safe location to warp to through apparation with little to no risk of defects.

 _Apparating across continents is a risky business if you don't have a place to land, and apparating across the pond is dangerous as all hell. Nobody apparates across the pacific._

Yeah…for simplicity's sake, Apparating is basically artillery strikes from your current position to your landing point. The further you are, the less accurate it gets…and comes with a risk of sending you into the Earth. Fortunately the Earth itself rejects a failed apparating destination and will send the bodypart back, which is how splinching or whatever it's called happens.

For this reason, even though we have safe houses, Sirius still refuses to apparate across the pond unless he does it in multiple segments.

Detours into mechanics aside, the American hideout is somewhere in the Midwest. We've obtained and enchanted a warehouse so muggles ignore it, and inside it contains a brightly colored and festively decorated van.

"It's all food." Sirius remarks while carrying packages upon packages of beef. "Why have you bought so much food?"

"Because I'm rich." I reply with zero shame. "Now hurry up."

"Right, right…" Sirius waves his wand and the army of beef dutifully tromp themselves into the van. "Do I get to go?"

"Do you have a disguise?" I ask, but I already know the answer.

Sirius Black snaps his fingers. A crisp black suit and sunglasses appear and dress themselves onto his body.

"Good?" Sirius As Tony Stark grins.

I nod with my dumbass grin at full power. "Damn good, but uh…you forgot pants."

"Ah?" Sirius looks down. "Bah. Living with you has made me soft." He magics in some pants.

"That's a bad thing?" I laugh as rows of mutton file into the van. "I think Molly and Arthur would know who you are, but that's a bridge we'll need to cross at some point anyways."

"'Molly and Arthur', huh?" Sirius laughs. "Alright, I think we've got the food. What else?"

"Tools."

"Tools?"

…

[Day of Transportation]

…

The main group takes the Boot Portkey to the campsite and set up.

"So what kind of flag are you preparing for our wayward ally, brother Fred?" George asks imperially.

Fred clears his throat. "Well, brother George, I investigated the acts of muggle diplomacy, and I determined that the best way of showing our landing point is…this."

Fred creates a massive glowing flag of the United States and flies it over their camp.

"I believe this is how diplomacy works." Fred grins as Hermione goes 'why would you do this'. "I believe this is how he thinks diplomacy works."

…

[From the Sky]

…

"Oh, look at that." Sirius points down to the (enchanted to be transparent) floor. "Somebody's made a flag for us."

"I can only guess as to who it would be." I reply. The American Flag emblazoned on the ground also includes what looks like a bald eagle flying. "Well, if we're gonna be landing here, then we need ample fanfare."

Flip the switch!

 _The loudspeaker on our car goes "…and I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free…"_

For the record: Our American Van has been enchanted by Sirius to be flying.

So yes, we did cross the Atlantic in a van, because fuck you logic. Woo!

…

"Sounds like him, alright." Fred grins as the flying red-white-and-blue Van descends from the heavens.

"WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE STATURE OF SECRECY?!" Hermione, Harry, Molly, Percy, and Bill demanded all at the same time.

"The entire area is covered against muggle intrusion, so we're fine, fine!" Arthur laughs and claps like a small child. "What an entrance! This is wonderful!"

…

Our Van lands with the music still blaring (though we're toned it down some), and we hop out with a 120% idiot grin.

"So, how'd you like my new ride?" I ask.

"You…" Hermione looks like she's about to lose her mind with anxiety. "My god."

This is likely not doing wonders for the image other nations have of Americans, does it?

…

Oh well.

…

So! We bought our tailgating America Van. It's enchanted to be larger on the inside, with further enchantments applied to a built-in fridge to be larger on the inside with immense power conservation. The whole thing's powered by self-turning generators (refined versions of the ones we used to power the Black household).

I bought about ten grand's worth of food. Bad food like hot dogs, good foot like steak…you name it, I have it.

 _Aka more than we will ever be able to eat in one tailgating party._

But of course that's not the whole thing.

I also brought grills, charcoal, gas, lawn chairs, plastic cups, sodas…the works.

If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this _right_.

…

 _We manned the grill for the most part but had Molly help us with the seasoning._

"This is the American Hot Dog, yes?" Arthur picks up a no don't do that with your bare hands.

…But yes, he picks it up and almost immediately drops it. Molly catches it with a spell though. The way he describes it is very Arthur, too. Sausages are common enough even in the magical world, but he's describing this 12 cent flubbery meatsicle as if it was something extravagant.

…I could learn from his attitude, really.

 _Molly returns the hotdog to a proper holding receptacle, in this case a hot dog bun._

"Put some of that on it." I gesture to the ketchup and mustard bottles. "Don't drown it, though."

He happily does and then wolfs the entire thing down.

To be honest, it's not exactly the highest quality food and I'm not exactly a good griller, but the experience enhances the taste, right?

…Well, why not?

 _We gave Arthur the rights to man a grill._

He looked like he was about to cry out of happiness. He gave the tongs the Click of Testing and went to work.

…unfortunately we're now short a grill and up a fire citation, but it's the thought that counts. I'm glad I packed extra extinguishers, too…

…

 _So, about the Van._

Yes, the mobile command van. Again, it's enchanted to be bigger on the inside. Through use of what I've learned remodeling the Chamber of Secrets I've also remodeled the inside and outside of the van.

The outer layer of the van, underneath the kickass American color scheme, is two layers of 5mm thick steel (aka not thick at all) and a massive wad of cotton in the middle. The cotton is enchanted to divert impact force, so if Voldemort ever gets his hands on machineguns we'll be protected against that. The Van also includes a chaff dispenser so we can protect against incoming spells like the Avada without worrying about, say, a hit killing our engines.

The inside of the van, apart from the storage areas, include bunk beds, lounge, bathroom, and armory. No kitchen or dining areas, though. The Van has bedding for 17 people (4 per bunk bed room and 1 captain). The sleeping areas are a bit cramped, but avoiding excessive useless free room is a good thing.

Lastly, van also includes communication equipment (radios, antenna, cables n'shit) but I don't have the expertise to set it all up. I don't think we'll need to use it in the near future, so I'm not too worried about this part.

…

Well, Van talk aside. The tailgating was as much of a success as it could be. Due to the paintjob of the van and the open grills and the bbq sauce we (I) ended up catering to a lot of tents. I think I ran through half the food I bought.

Now…the other bit. Sirius was in presence and in disguise, but judging by the glances Arthur and Molly were shooting at each other they figured it out towards the tail end of the show.

So! Let's head this off before it balloons out of proportion.

 _The adults are helping us clean up the mess by magicking the paper plates and empty cups into garbage bags. When full the bags tie themselves and dutifully pile up so we can burn them later._

Given the opportunity (and because I'm very insistent about it being MY van) I'm also doing the chore work.

So let's find an opportunity to actually we're all adults here so fuck that shit

"Hey guys?" I say when I'm sure we're not being overheard (kids are in the tent being overseen by Bill and Charlie). "If you got a minute, we can talk inside the van."

…also, 'inside the van' means nothing good anymore.

 _You could've just bought an RV._

RVs strike me as an overly American thing and difficult to disguise.

 _Or a bus._

Nobody wanted to sell me a bus.

 _And you were too upstanding to steal it?_

…Yes. As hard as that is to believe.

 _…You just didn't think of it, did you._

…Yes. I am ashamed.

My inability to conduct criminal behavior aside, we're now meeting with the three adults inside the van.

"Alright, first off," First impressions are important and we're going to botch it. "Weasleys, Sirius Black. Sirius, Weasleys." At least Sirius is dressed nicely. Can you imagine pitching the idea that he isn't dangerous when he isn't so dapper?

"I suppose there is a reasonable explanation for this." Arthur says calmly while trying to ensure that Mrs. Weasley doesn't hex us into next year. "Ash?"

"Yeah. He's acting as my guardian for the forseeable future." I shrug.

"I don't mean that." Arthur's having some serious troubles in stopping Mrs. Weasley from hexing us. "I mean…you're a smart boy. Why are you in company with him?"

"That hurts, Arthur." Sirius grins.

Molly looks like she's about to tear a man to shreds. I'm scared.

"I cannot _believe_ you would stay with a murderer, Ash." She puts on her best angry/disappointed/murdermom voice. "I'm disappointed in you." Also I feel like she's picking her response carefully.

However, I am a psychopath. "That's unfortunate…however, I have some pretty good reasons for the company I keep."

I need to keep talking or I'll just get interrupted forever. "First off, I understand that Sirius Black was accused of killing Peter Pettigrew and was thus arrested and jailed for ten years."

"Though that no longer seems to be the case." Arthur mutters.

"Correct. Sirius here got out during my second year."

The two of them are stunned, as expected.

Ok…card one. "Through his assistance, Ron was saved from the Chamber of Secrets. It is entirely possible that, without Sirius, Hogwarts would be closed."

 _More stunned silence!_

Card two. "During combat, we met with a shadow of Voldemort and his assistant Pettigrew."

"What?" Arthur gets his voice back first. "But Peter…"

Is dead? Yeah. "So I heard." I nod. "However, he was certainly there and would have killed Percy if things played out differently."

I'm lying a little here, but eh…it's probably true. Probably.

Molly looks a little shaken up. "You're asking us to believe that he isn't dangerous?"

"I'm a little dangerous." Sirius sulks.

Hmm. "He's…a big baby bent on revenge." I shrug. "So all things considered he is pretty dangerous."

"Damn straight." Sirius grins. I should note that he's wearing a 'kiss the cook' apron over a white t-shirt and a baseball cap.

"I can't take you seriously with that outfit, Sirius." Arthur sighs. "Hard to believe you came out of Azkaban."

"His fault." Sirius grins at me. "He said something about needing to look the part of a free man."

"If I left you alone you'd look like a goddamn mess for the next five years." I shake my head. "Well, in any case, whether if you believe me is up to you, but I do hope that, at the very least, you don't turn against us."

"Turn against you." Arthur chuckles at that. "Whatever could you mean?"

I was actually serious about that, as clichéd and middleschooler as it sounded. "Simple, really: don't frame this problem as the preservation of your family versus doing what's right."

"Do you swear that you will not be a threat against us or Harry?" Molly asks slowly…and threateningly.

Sirius snaps to attention. "Upon my honor as his Godfather, I swear I will not hurt Harry through my actions or intention."

…

Hmm…well, I don't think the Parents are entirely convinced. However, at the very least they're going to simmer instead of boil, so that buys us time until we can come with conclusive proof.

But, the time has come for the game.

…

Lessee…we met the Malfoys, they were snide, Father Malfoy remembers us from back during year 2, and he's not all that happy…Child Malfoy is blathery about getting into boxed seats…so basically nothing important happened.

 _We were certainly childish enough to bring a massive plate of hotdogs as a counterargument against Draco's box seat advantage._

The Leprechauns dropped gold…their gold, as we know, disappears after some hours…and they're quite warm to the touch. The gold coins also lack any markings that would make it legal tender.

The game played out like it did in the books. The Other Team had a serious passing game and the Krum Team had a balls to the walls Seeker.

 _Should be obvious but we did not pay attention to the team names._

The time dilation binoculars were cool, though. Wish I could get my hands on one so I can dissect the hell out of it.

…But yeah, it resolved almost exactly like it did in the books.

Krum wins by being a hero, Fred and George makes a bet with money they don't have for money they can't earn….

…Sirius the Notorious Mass Murderer gets to watch the big game in person…

…and we have a moving riot. Y'know.

Standard.

.

.

.

{ === + === }

Author Notes: I feel like UK weather would be adverse to American Tailgating.


	15. Goblet of Fire - 1

{ === + === }

I'm haaanging by the shin…just haaaanging by the shin…

What a glorious view it is from up here…

…I don't know any other lines from the song. I am sad. Also I'm appreciating how much stuff I learned through cultural osmosis instead of legitimately doing research.

 _So as you can imagine, our meeting with the Death Eaters ended with us dangling upside down in the sky. Our Van blaring obvious muggle music may have contributed to this event._

 _Speaking of which, why no violent counterattack?_

Hooliganry aside, this is still a worldwide sports event, and "Mass shooting at Quidditch World Finals" seems like a poor way to start the new school year.

…So we're now spinning in the air. It's…actually a very good trial run of the straps holding my shit in the bags where they belong. Nothing has fallen out despite us rotating progressively faster in midair.

Also I'm very glad we're doing this after dinner. Like, way after dinner.

…

Let's see…

There's the gaggle of drunken fathers acting like children, with lit wands…I'm amazed they're able to stand up straight.

 _Drunk and rowdy isn't the same as being utterly shitfaced._

True, I suppose.

…So the other two NPCs are…lit up by the wands on the ground, and floating some distance away from me. Apart from disobeying the laws of physics they seem to be otherwise fine.

…

 _We let the Death Eaters cart us around for a bit longer._

…It's about time, no?

Cast on self, and…

…

[3rd Person Camera]

The Death Eaters on the ground, still reveling in the momentary chaos of sports-related hooliganry, were suddenly stunned by a booming **FUS, RO DAH!** Smacking into them from the sky.

The force of the sound wave momentarily stunned the Death Eaters and all noncombatants in the area stopped their panicking to curiously search for the source of the noise.

Their curiosity was then rewarded by the Aurors apparating around the Hooligans, and of course like all good riots a gunfight started (of the magical variety).

…

[1st Person Camera]

…

Ooh, nifty.

Everything's all bright and shit on the ground.

 _And that is our ENTIRE contribution to this event._

Yep.

So anyways, the Aurors send the hooligans away. Also, I'm pretty sure the Aurors are the most useless police force around, as they had both the element of surprise and the first shot and still managed to land zero hits.

 _Difference: the Dark Mark made the Death Eaters leave in the normal timeline._

Meh.

With the Death Eaters gone, we're no longer floating, so the three of us (me + the two muggles) get rescued.

The Weasleys fuss over me, Sirius fusses over me, everything's cool, we're cool…and BAM the Dark Mark.

Everybody but Harry and Myself are rattled…and then BOOM Aurors around us.

 _Key difference: Harry, through years of training, has his wand with him. Winky is not implicated because the chain of events caused by Harry losing his wand didn't happen._

We get interrogated on who creates the Dark Mark, Harry has no idea. The head of the…Barty?

His name is actually Barty, right?

I don't remember.

Either way, he questions everyone to ensure that none of us created the Dark Mark (and checks all of our wands for good measure). Noticeably he doesn't go for mine (not that I offered).

I don't know if that's him being courteous, as we were in the sky, or if he's assuming we're a…I guess we would be a squib or something? I'm actually not sure what a 'muggle being comforted by mages' qualify as.

We get cleared of all suspicions and are thus free to go.

…So obviously the safe thing to do is to spend the night IN the site of terror and wait until morning for the portkeys to be ready, as opposed to doing the sensible thing of running the fuck away.

People are weird.

…

Oh well.

At the end of all of that, we're back at the Burrow. Mrs. Weasley came with the group this time (instead of staying behind) so she got to fuss over her kids the entire way home instead of sit and be scared for the night…I'm not sure which is better, to be honest.

We do find the Daily Prophet on the table containing a…my god she's biased…an article about the attack in question. Rita Skeeter is so good at spin everyone can tell it's spinning.

 _Um?_

I mean, if this article was halfway factual then the World Quidditch Championship was assaulted by all the death eaters ever and the ministry set itself on fire trying to stop it. Because of that there was tremendous loss of life and the Wizarding Community is Doomed.

…It could be that I've been badly poisoned by the amount of media I was exposed to on a daily basis, but I'm having a supremely hard time taking it seriously.

But I'm not supposed to know this, so… "Who's this Skeeter person?" I ask.

"Oh, she writes rubbish." The Twins reply immediately. "It's all junk." Fred adds.

"So she's a...what, tabloid writer?" I must admit I've never thought about this. "Does she not do any fact-checking?"

…Going by the blank looks going my way, fact checking doesn't seem to be a constant in Wizard society.

Huh. "So basically she gets to write whatever she wants and it would be considered quality journalism?"

"Looks like that's the case." Hermione reads the article with her brows furrowing so hard they're merging with her eyes. "No funny ideas." She warns me.

Which is good, because my "I've got an idea" grin is coming onto my face.

As much of a nut Skeeter is, having someone not beholden at all to truthful reporting could be useful if used properly.

 _Can you really use Rita though?_

Hmm…I feel like I'm underestimating her if I were to just plainly say 'yes', but I do believe I can get her to look at things my way.

 _The Weasleys are a bit worried about your mental health now._

I'm perfectly fine, whatever could they be worried about?

 _It might have to do with the American Van parked out in their yard._

Oh yeah. They have a point there.

…

…

Moving right along…the rest of the stay was uneventful.

Sirius and Harry are establishing a really good rapport, so that's very good for all involved.

Harry's scar is hurting, but I don't know if it's because of the Ghost Riddle or the body of the old one, or if they merged somehow. This point worries me the most.

Ron has some nifty dress robes.

Which reminds me, I need dress robes.

"Nothing stupid." Hermione had warned me. "You of all people need to look presentable."

I…don't blame her? So I went back to the states and got a swallowtail suit fitted. I look good in a fitted suit, I think…might be because I'm not as skinny as I was when I was "properly" fifteen years old.

 _No craziness here?_

I like having investments that pay off long-term. Spending a lot of time on a single outfit I will likely never wear again seems like it goes against that idea.

…

The Hogwarts Train ride wasn't much to talk about either.

Malfoy jabbed Ron about not knowing who 'Mad-Eye' Moody was, but Ron just shrugs and go "cool man" and ignores him.

Malfoy has the tendency to want to look more important than he can actually manage, so Ron basically picked a fight. Fortunately, Malfoy noted that we were in the carriage and then walks away with a smirk.

"What was he smirking about?" Ron had grumbled.

I think it had something to do with Lucius telling him I got toyed around with? I dunno.

 _You'd think being made a fool of would have been a bigger issue._

No kidding.

…

We're just blazing through the leadup events, huh?

Moving right along…

We attend the sorting ceremony, more people are sorted through the houses, clap clap clap…

Hermy discovers that House Elves work in the Kitchens…

I will admit I've been focused on my own work for most of last year, so whatever happened with SPEW was beyond me. That said, Hermy's now throwing a sulky fit.

So now it's time to make a speech!

 _Note that we're eating and thus have a fried chicken leg in our hand. It is not convincing._

"Hermy, I don't know if you realize it yet, but House Elves are literally not humans." I start (badly). "It's a big leap to assume that they want the same things as we do."

She opens her mouth to protest.

"Dobby's a special case." I cut her off. "Exceptions do not prove the rule. If you want to campaign for House Elf rights, that's fine, but you need to talk to the elves first…and no claiming that they don't know what's best for themselves."

"But—"

Racial ethics and laws really isn't my thing. "Ethic laws are a big and messy pile, but on the ground level you need to talk to the people you're trying to help before helping them, otherwise it's just self-flattery, ok?"

 _Hermione just rolls her eyes at us and goes back to sulking._

…Y'know, I really should've paid more attention to my status (read: psychopathic loose cannon) before trying to give a speech like this. As it stands, I'm not sure if Hermy was convinced any, if at all.

So let's go to plan B, which is to pester Hermione until she gives in and eat.

 _It was, after ten minutes, successful._

"You sound like my dad." She had said at the very end.

With that out of the way, Dumbledore announces the big one this year: the Tri-Wizard tournament. Per the proper storyline, there's an age requirement for submitting an entry.

I'm mentally at my thirties now, if my head ages at the same rate as my body, so that should work out just fine for us. That being said, I'm gonna see if it's possible to just attach the paper with our name on it onto a stick and kind of drop it into the fire somehow.

Alternatively, I can write like 500 slips of paper and use a fan or something.

 _Muggle solutions…_

Are the best solutions.

Now, before we turn in for day One, I went and checked on my base. It remains untampered.

I also bought a bag of cookies for Myrtle, but since I'm not sure what counts as an offering for ghosts Myrtle just cried and ran away. She was ok though.

Note to self: ask about what we can do to give ghosts stuff, because Myrtle's cool, mental instability due to untimely death aside, so I feel bad for being unable to do anything for her.

…

Oh, right. Moody's a teacher, no surprises there.

…

[Next Day]

…

I woke up late (my schedule's the same as the Trio's with Muggle Studies replacing Divination).

Herbology: Cool. I'm gonna need Neville's help for this because biology type studies have always been my weak point and it's starting to show.

 _On the first day of class?_

I didn't say I needed his help immediately.

Care of Magical Creatures: Explosive Scorpions. They're a little difficult to care for, but oddly enough their temperament is surprisingly laid back after they've been fed. I named mine Bellows.

Muggle Studies: Cars. I talked about Electric Cars as a possibility in the future and got a stony, "what is he talking about?" silence.

Dinnertime though…

Malfoy comes after Ron again and the parental insults fly left and right. Harry gets involved and insults Malfoy's mother.

Malfoy…for all of his idiocy Malfoy's a kid who holds his parents in real high esteem, gets angry at Harry. Harry, no idiot after three years of combat training, doesn't turn and walk away until Malfoy does so first. I'm responsible for the occasional charm shot at his back.

And Malfoy…for all of his idiocy is sometimes really (and I mean _really_ ) stupid, whirls around and tries to hex Harry in the back.

Harry's reflexes are top notch and Malfoy's head is now green.

Of course, this doesn't solve the fundamental problem (in that there is a lot of tension in the air and students from both houses are in attendance) so Harry's counterattack escalates this into a full blown fight. I chose not to get involved.

Moody (and then McGonagall) eventually came onto the scene, but by then Harry and Ron's combat experience has already turned what was a brawl into a Slytherin-ass-kicking. I like to think Ron got a lot more respect this day, as his movements were way more fluid than Harry's.

End result: Slytherin and Gryffindor houses lost 50 points per student, putting both houses at…what, negative 500 at the end of the first day of class. Moody privately rewarded Harry and Ron for excellent spellwork (5 points apiece)…and a bagging reward (1 point per kill).

I kind of have to wonder though, is this Barty Crouch Junior acting as Moody? The books said it was, right? So is his actions what Moody would have done right now or is he putting his own spin on how he thinks a person named 'mad-eye' should act?

Hmm.

"I'm surprised you didn't get involved." Hermione (who also didn't get involved) remarks.

"I'm old enough to pick my fights carefully." I reply with a grin.

"So helping Harry wasn't in the cards, then?" George (who DID get involved) asks.

"Harry's a big boy. He can handle himself." I reply proudly. I think Harry's spellwork got a boost after he and Sirius started interacting properly.

Meanwhile, Ron's got a gaggle of first-years around him and he's describing the battle in lurid-detail.

On the plus side: Malfoy doesn't have to spend time as a Ferret.

On the minus…he and his buddies are now in the hospital wing to get un-hexed.

I feel bad for Draco. He's gonna be the designated punching bag if this keeps up.

…

Anyways, in summary. Note that the below events covers a period of time between now and October 30th.

[Defense Against the Dark Arts]

…

Moody presents: The Unforgivable Curses!

Funny how all three spells are nerve based, actually.

Imperio – Assume total Control.

Crucio – Definitely Not A Good Time.

Avada – Instant Fuck You.

 _Our very fast descriptions of the spells._

So his class was very much like it was in the books, with Moody doing the show-and-tell on spiders (with Neville being unsettled by the Crucio curse) and then switching to testing us for resilience against the imperius curse.

…This is the part where I show off my immense awesomeness by being so fucking unhinged the Imperius curse doesn't work at all.

 _I recognize this pattern._

Yep. The Imperius curse is, in effect, heavily powerful suggestion-based manipulation. I could do something like "I'm not listening to you, I'm going to do X instead!" in my head, but in actuality the X would be replaced by whatever the person casting the spell is attempting to insert into my head.

As a result, I started out being more susceptible to the Imperius Curse than most. Sadly, the Imperius Curse has a backfire: it causes a weird floaty sensation in the target. This is, like most backfires, inversely proportional to the skill of the caster (better skill = less sensation) but since my magical reserves are smaller than most I can pick up on the sensation with more accuracy than most.

Imperio is also (as I found out by accident) weak to counterattacks. The spell melds two minds together (kinda, sorta) and thus it's possible to send a jolt through the victim and back into the caster…but the problem is the amount of power required to deal damage to the caster is huge, so it's not a good idea to try. Not that it stopped us from trying, mind you.

At the end of all of this, we devised a counterspell against the Imperius Curse, and have taught it to Harry (who was the only one willing to help us practice). Basically, it changes the electrical energy flowing in our nerves for around a fraction of a second, temporarily disrupting the caster's control. This momentary loss in control means that (usually) the caster gets confused and automatically latches onto the first 'thought' they get afterwards, which is controlled by the victim. From this point it's just the victim feeding the caster false positives with the caster believing that whatever the victim is doing is what the caster wanted them to do.

This counterspell has its own problems, but for around five seconds after casting it the victim gets to play their own cards, so every little bit helps.

…

[SPEW]

…

I was wrong. SPEW did not exist until this year. Hermione's fascination with house elves did not start until this year. For some reason I believed that it was an integral part of her persona…just goes to show how memorable it is?

 _Or else how sparse Hermione's traitlist was?_

I was also very fortunate in that I did not refer to SPEW by name until Hermione created the title. That would've caused so many problems.

Anyways, Hermy creates SPEW, we (I) convince her to talk to the House Elves even if she thinks they've been brainwashed.

I don't think her stance changed any? She still believes in House Elf rights regardless of what the elves themselves want.

…

[Sirius Black]

…

Obviously Harry and Sirius are in touch by owl, as Sirius is living in our AmeriVan somewhere close to the school grounds. They've developed a brotherly rapport of some kind, it feels like.

It's…good? I neither know nor care about what's in their letters, and Sirius will alert me if something really big pops up.

…

[Spell Work]

…

So.

Among other things, Transfiguration and Charms both covered spells involved with moving objects for various reasons.

Charms taught the summoning charm. Given that the entire student body of the Gryffindor House knows that spell by heart…fair to say Flitwick was more than overjoyed.

Transfiguration taught the switching charm, which…is easily my new pet toy.

 _In fact: on the first day where the spell was taught, McGonagall made a practical demonstration where she switched the positions of an apple and a teacup around three meters from each other. She then had a slightly defeated sigh when she saw the idiot grin spreading over our face._

And so we got around to experimenting with it.

SO.

First limitation: the two objects being switched need to be comparable in mass…the cutoff seems to be around 20%, but it's more forgiving when I spend more magic trying. I assume someone as skilled as McGonagall would have a way higher transfer cap.

Second limitation: the applicable distance is around ten meters. Again, more when using more power.

Third limitation: the caster must be aware of both objects in the world space or else have both objects in line of sight. McGonagall had her back to her table when doing her demo, so I assume it's also flexible dependent on skill.

Fourth limitation, though this is related to the third: duplicate objects within the casting area will cause the spell to act oddly. (One apple with two identical teacups will cause the apple to switch with a random teacup). The caveat here is that, if the object is not within line of sight, then the two targets of the spell is entirely dependent on the memory of the caster and the mental image they can draw. Shitty mental image equals real bad shit happening.

Fifth limitation: the two objects need to physically exist (duh).

…

And thus our experimentation began. Unfortunately the most unfair thing we could do –switch out a person's heart with, say, a stick of dynamite—was not possible, because I had no idea what a specific person's heart looked like and thus could very easily switch out my own heart, which would be inconvenient.

I do keep random sticks I picked up now, so it's theoretically possible to switch out the target's wand with a stick if they're not paying attention. If they're paying attention then it's near impossible.

One thing I discovered later is that the switching spell preserves the momentum of the switched objects even after the object changes…which is a little weird to get used to, I have to admit.

 _So if we had the apple roll across the table and then switch it with a teacup, then the teacup would continue to roll but according to its own physical characteristics._

It's weird, because if I were to switch two objects of wildly different aerodynamic properties—I tried with a ball of paper and a sheet of paper—then the sheet paper inherits the speed of the ball paper and suddenly accelerates really fast before physics kicks its teeth in again.

…

So, as a result, I've been experimenting with using the Switching charm along with a 'strike' charm, and a fistful of pebbles.

I transfigure the pebbles into something recognizable and unique to the landscape (say, marbles), charm the marbles to annoy (and most importantly FACE) the target, cast the strike charm with a one second delay on a handful of bullets, and then switch the marbles with the bullets.

Its closer to a Gundam Bit attack than using the crystals from before, but…the entire attack consists of four steps, some of which are very easily countered. Not exactly what I'd call efficient.

The second experiment is…more generically useful? I can switch the air in my lungs with the air outside with a little bit of practice. Useful underwater HINT HINT except this requires a recast once per twenty seconds or so and is thus useless when swimming. I made do with carrying around a bag and switching the air in the bag for the air outside. It would be perpetual if, y'know, I didn't have to put in the effort.

 _Also not useful for diving since we need to be close enough to the water surface to get the air._

…

This took a long time, and I didn't get a breakthrough until I got a little meta with the spell.

 _In other words: it was an accident._

You know what can be switched? Two objects. You know what else can be switched? Two energies.

I can 'switch' the energy between two objects instead of switching the two objects themselves. This is…difficult and in most situations useless, because without extenuating circumstances trying to catch a fucking apple moving at 88 miles per hour to transfer its energy onto a teacup is difficult.

Also, I can't observe energy with my eyes. Sure, if the apple's moving I go "yeah that apple has energy" but it's functionally different from being able to tangibly interact with the energy itself. Ergo, trying to use the switching spell this way has a 95% fail rate.

To clarify: let's say if we have a candle. When the candle is burning, the fire represents energy. The candle itself also represents energy, but we can't harness that due to lack of experience. We can transfer the energy the fire represents into a different object…but if our targeting messes up even a little bit we would Switch a small piece of the wick instead, or a small piece of wax, or the entire candle…but most commonly we would just Switch the fire with the target, in this case a piece of paper. So…yeah. 95% fail rate.

But in the 5% of successes…Hoo boy.

 _For the record, McGonagall kicked us out of the Transfiguration class for trying this._

So as we all know by now I have a boner for my prismatic beam spell, and carry around four car batteries to help juice it further in case I need to eradicate someone from the face of the earth.

Car batteries hold electricity. Electricity is a form of energy.

And of course, because we're super, duper sane and not at _all_ prone to experimenting with dangerous activity, we sapped an entire car battery's worth of energy and Switched it onto a teacup.

The teacup achieved escape velocity and is on its way out of the solar system, assuming if it didn't burn up on atmospheric exit.

By the way, McGonagall's reason for kicking us out was that we had no way of controlling the path of the teacup and thus it would have outright killed many students with its flight path. I do not blame her in the slightest because that was the exact thought I had…after I, y'know, launched the teacup.

In related news, we now have bullshit mass drivers. Woo!

 _After experimentation we determined that the energy applied onto an object is always directly facing away from the caster._

We really should have done that first. Either way, McGonagall has barred us from taking Transfiguration for the rest of the year (if not for the rest of our student life) as a penalty for our unsafe scientific practices.

I would be more upset if she wasn't, y'know, giving me material out of class so I can practice on my own. It did give Malfoy a laugh to know I was the first student to be barred from a class in twenty years though.

 _He then found a snake in his pocket._

We have no idea how it got there. Nor did we have prior knowledge that it was a rubber snake due to the conjurer not having the skill or power to make a real one. Nope.

Nor did we take vindictive pleasure in seeing Malfoy squeal and dance, because obviously that would be below us.

…

[October 30th]

…

Beaubatons and Durmstrang shows up today!

 _Beauxbatons._

Classes are cut short for today so we can spend half a day cleaning up to receive our visitors…but that sounds like the staff haven't been making small adjustments to the castle in the weeks prior, which they have.

Fred and George are caught (by Harry) talking about sending a letter to somebody. Harry was nice enough to warn me and the Twins thought highly enough of me to consult for a second opinion.

It feels nice, to be honest.

Though the twins felt anything but when my advice was "You guys don't have a legally binding document, plus the gold was faked in the first place. Drop it."

"He owes us." Fred insisted.

I agree. But. "Yes…and so far as I can see the Wizarding World has a horrific law enforcement policy. Can an owl find him no matter what?"

They don't know.

"Bummer." To be honest I really don't care about their monetary policies since I'm rich in the economy that matters, but to do nothing for the twins would be shitty decision making. "Here, send this one."

I had penned a letter when Harry told me about the Twins contacting a mysterious stranger. Since I have the miraculous power of Cheating, I knew exactly who they were talking about even if Harry didn't.

The letter's contents were pretty normal.

 _What did you say?_

I'm a Prince of a Faraway Land who had just come across a large sum of gold and have heard about Bagman's business acumen and adroit political strength. If he were to meet me at a designated location included in the document I would transfer this gold to him at no cost.

 _That sounds vaguely suspicious._

I don't think the internet has picked up enough for this to be common, so hey. If he doesn't fall for it, then no harm done. If he does, we'll hex him to high heaven and drag him in for tax evasion or some shit.

Also, note to self: find out the rules of investing real money into a wizarding business opportunity.

…

 _With that out of the way, we attend the visiting ceremony of the Beauxbaton and Durmstrang parties. Like the books, there were students of both genders present. Fleur [Insert Correct Last Name Spelling Here] and Viktor Krum attracted the most attention, one because she was blessed (or cursed) with awesome, and the other because he was awesome._

 _So what was our response upon seeing a Veela?_

Uuuh…

Krum was a dude that just screamed Russian or Slavic or whatever. If he had showed up with a bottle of vodka it would not have been surprising for me in the least. Initial impression aside, it looks like he's a good kid with good friends.

 _Based on his interactions with the folks around him. And Fleur?_

…I feel very dirty after looking at Fleur.

The uncontrollable pornographic fantasies didn't help matters.

I assume this is a standard response for seeing a Veela? Well, in the sense that Harry and Ron were merely smitten with puppy love while I, with my extensive history of viewing Seriously Weird Hentai Bullshit, had a comparatively less innocent response.

I hope this dies down after spending some time around her, otherwise thank god for loose robes.

 _They get seated, and the ceremony gets underway. We promptly tune out the entire thing in favor of progressively more "stupid porn" imagined scenarios in our head featuring Fleur and Krum._

"…By tomorrow evening, two champions will be selected from the…"

…

Wait.

Wait wait.

Hold the fuck up.

Two?

 _If you had been listening, Dumbledore said that the Triwizard Cup's format will be different this time around. Apart from the safety regulations they instated, the theme of this cup is "teamwork". The age line is still 17, and of course this completely sets Fred and George off because they're the best team and don't get to compete in a tournament about teamwork._

Huh.

Interesting.

…

[Goblet of Fire]

…

Well, strangeness aside we have 24 hours to put in our names, more or less. The Goblet still only takes single entries and picks out the two most suitable candidates from each school…I wonder what that means for Harry though?

 _Let's focus on the task at hand. Whoever Harry gets paired up with is of no value to us until we know who it is._

Lessee…the goblet is circled by the ring of age detection. I can probably cross it ok, but that would raise more questions than answers.

So, Plan B!

…

"What are you doing?" Gryffindor NPC asks.

 _Seamus Dean asks._

"What does it look like I'm doing?" I reply, busy with my handiwork.

He then brings up a good point. "I don't know what you're doing. Nobody knows what you're doing."

There're about fifty other students in attendance and all of them are looking at me plus the long stick and stretch of rope I have.

"I'm fishing." I reply, and attach my name onto the hook at the end of the rope. "And…cast!"

Fail. I missed.

 _The hook flew clear over the Goblet._

The rope isn't even burned, which is nice.

 _Note: though we're calling it rope, it's closer to thread._

We try this a few more times, to no avail.

Hmm.

 _Here Fred and George make their appearance, so we reel in our line and patiently wait for them to screw themselves._

Aaaand done.

 _Fred and George, after celebrating their ability to clear the line instead of tossing their paper into the fire like any smart person would, get shot out of the ring with bears._

BEARDS. They got shot out with BEARDS.

 _My bad._

…Though I would've liked to see a ring that summoned attack bears whenever it was breached. Worth looking into.

Anyway, my plan A failed, so let's try plan B.

"Be a dear and help me out?" I say to the nearest third year (Ravenclaw) and hold a long stick out to her. She takes it with confusion. "Set it parallel to the ground and levitate into the air if you will."

She does, still confused.

I take Plan B section A, an empty ball attacked to a string, and toss it over the stick, so it's now hanging above the Goblet.

 _Note that at this point Flitwick has arrived to stop any weird shenanigans from occurring and has decided to watch for his own amusement._

I then ready Plan B section B, a bowl loaded with slips of paper with my name on it, and Switch the two sections.

Since the bowl maintains the 'connected' status like the ball but the connection point is definitely nowhere near the center of mass, the bowls tips and rain the papers down on the Goblet.

…Strangely, more than a few makes it in.

 _Strange?_

Yeah, because to be honest I did not expect this plan to work.

But hey, it did, so now all the kids put their papers into my bowl after I Switched it back and I get oh hello Flitwick I didn't see you there

"This is quite ingenious." Flitwick chuckles. "But I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to stop."

I salute diligently. "Yes Sir." and leave the setup alone.

 _Because the instant Flitwick turns his head somebody else Switch the two objects in my place._

About three more loads of papers (300 names or so) get dumped into the fire before the entire thing gets shutdown by McGonagall. If I had to guess, out of the 300 names maybe 50 of them actually went into the flame.

Also, couldn't they just program the flames to, y'know, _not_ take names of people below seventeen?

 _The Goblet is implied to be an equal opportunity chooser._

I guess.

…

[Day of Selection]

…

By now everybody has heard of the dumping method (including the teachers) so we got a bit of flak for showing preferences. More specifically, all the students who were not in attendance and heard of the method after the fact blamed us (me) for not having alerted them beforehand, thus depriving them of the opportunity.

Also (because we're at that age group, I guess) I'm now dating that Ravenclaw NPC who is Not Anybody Important and I literally don't remember the name or face of Just Because?

 _Shipping is Serious Business._

Apparently.

All said, we're now at the ceremony with the other two schools being a little put off by what I chose to do.

For Beaubatons: Fleur and French NPC A!

 _Spell it right for god's sake._

For Durmstrang: Krum and German NPC B!

 _Durmstrang is not in Germany._

For Hogwarts: Cedric and Me!

"Your security system is bad and you should feel bad!" I yell as loudly as I can when my name gets called.

Dumbledore seems bemused…

And none of the other teachers were surprised in the slightest. I may have taken my zero-fucks-given routine too far. Also, is Crouch Jr responsible for this, too? Better question, why?

Of course, the other two headmasters are livid and the rest of the student body is _pissed_ as all hell, but there are murmurs here and there of "of course it'd pick the crazy one".

…

So me and Cedric make our way backstage. Cedric and I…but that sounds odd when spoken.

"You don't look old enough to participate." Fleur remarks upon seeing me.

"I cheated and got in." I grin. "Yo."

"The American." Krum huffs. "I remember your van at the world cup."

Awesome. My grin gets bigger. "I saw you play and I have no idea how you're so good at it."

He waves it off.

Well, now that I'm here, let's see…

Krum's teammate is Putin. He's obviously not Putin, but holy shit does he look like Putin. So Germany and Russian are allied again, huh?

 _Krum's not German for fuck's sake._

Full disclosure: I called him German just to make this joke. Apologies.

Fleur's teammate is…a guy, and I don't have a face to match him with. Sad.

…Out of curiosity…

 _We ask the other two about their nationalities._

Putin is Russian, and Fleur's teammate is Spanish.

To be honest that's actually kind of cool how the other two schools have a greater population of non-indigenous folk.

 _You say after seeing exactly one data point._

...

Shortly after we enter (say, thirty seconds) the last pair of unwilling champions enter.

…

Hoo boy.

"I can see this going so wrong, so fast." I laugh. "It's gonna be great."

"Shut it, Ash." Harry grumbles.

"Why am I even here?!" Hermione exclaims.

.

.

.

{ === + === }

Author Notes:

Thought about making it Harry+Malfoy, but if it's supposed to be Harry+Baggage then it stands that the baggage would be the best mage in the class, thus.

I remember the first three movies pretty well (in that I owned them and watched them until they broke) and book 4 onwards is where my memory gets shoddy.

I should have books 5-7 in my basement somewhere, but 4 is arguably where the quality's going to tank the hardest.

 _Going from 2 to 1 isn't that big of a drop._


	16. Goblet of Fire - Dragon

{ === + === }

So of course shit was lost over Harry being in the trials.

I personally lost my shit (privately) over Hermy being in the trials.

"Harry, Hermione. Did the two of you use Ash to place your names in the goblet of fire?" Dumbledore asks calmly. CALMLY, I say. He is a man of many years and doesn't scare easily.

I also do like how he immediately jumps to us being the most likely culprit of this entire issue. He's not wrong to make that assumption.

"How did _he_ get his name into the Goblet?" Fleur accuses. "He's obviously not old enough!"

Must snark. "But I was smart enough."

 _We get glares from everybody not aligned with Hogwarts._

…yeah, probably wasn't the best thing to say. Worth it though.

The organizers get huffy that somebody tricked the Goblet, yadda yadda…hang on. "How does the Goblet determine entrants?" I ask.

"Would you accept 'magic' as an answer?" Dumbledore replies conversationally.

In other words, don't ask, huh? "Absolutely."

Hermione brings up a good point. "Why were you interested in that now?"

"Well, I figure that knowing exactly how the Goblet decides in contestants is a pretty good place to figure out how it was tricked in the first place." I shrug. "Muggle science is good."

 _Karkaroff goes "Pah, muggles."_

Snap. "Well none of you seem to know what's going on and all of you are literally the people who's supposed to know what's going on, so whatever system you're using it's not doing you much good."

The one thing I hate the most is when people in authority have no fucking idea what they're doing.

 _Pointing it out is likely not going to endear you to the people in authority. Also, it is not the one thing you hate._

Probably not, and definitely not. I am a very biased person.

Karkaroff doesn't appreciate my shit (though the giantess was bemused). Dumbledore's presence is what likely stops him from cursing me to high heaven.

Ultimately they don't have a way to stop the tournament (which is in itself kind of sad) so we're going ahead. Woo!

…

[Reactions]

…

The student body didn't quite know what to do. Unlike the event proper, where Harry was assumed to have pulled some shenanigans to get himself into the tournament, it was brutally obvious to everybody involved that I _did_ pull something to get myself (and attempt to get others) into the tournament.

Harry and Hermione were not among the people who gave their names to me to rain over the fire, but nobody believes them even if they deny it. That being said, most didn't believe that Hermy would do a thing like this, so…eh? It evens out somehow?

Also, Ron's relationship with the two of them is less strained than it would be in canon, if only because he did give his name to me and it didn't come up from the goblet.

The Slytherins are on an anti-Gryffindor warpath, with signs and banners supporting just Cedric. Hufflepuffs do the same, criticism of their all-encompassing nature notwithstanding, and Ravenclaws jump on the bandwagon just because.

And of course the correct thing for us to do in this situation was to show up to class with buttons and a flag that supported Cedric. Everybody got really confused because some of the stuff I chose to wear explicitly slandered me.

Our official response was "I rolled a dice and Cedric came up."

This caused the rest of the Gryffindors to support Harry/Hermy, and (most of the) teachers to support me.

The students believed that I was a traitor for supporting Cedric (obvious self-deprecation aside) and the teachers believed that I care about good sportsmanship or something.

…

[1st Event]

…

Dragons.

My first instinct was "Oh, boring."

And then I took a step back and went "wait we're still fighting dragons, this is not boring."

 _Moody picked on Harry to use his cape so the two of them can go cheat and learn about the dragons._

Harry goes to visit the dragons and warns us later that we're going to be dealing with dragons somehow.

Cue strategy meetings, which I got barred from. They kicked us out of the Gryffindor common room.

Felt a little bad about that, not gonna lie.

...

[Preparations]

…

So the biggest hurdle I have is: this is a sporting event and thus I cannot kill the dragon I'm up against. In other words, no full power Prismatic Beam.

Apart from that, I can rough it up a little and be good to go.

I've done a little practice with the spell I'm going to be using, and it turned out ok. The casting time is approximately five minutes, which is…y'know, unpleasant, but hopefully I can stand around and not be murdered by the dragon until that time clears.

…

Also I've looked into some other spells, because as Hermione noted, "It seems like you don't pay much attention to protecting yourself."

 _And we listened to Hermy's offhand comment because…?_

Because she's right. I've devoted way more resources to offense rather than defense and what defense spells I picked up were purely accidental or are repurposes of attack spells…using the sucker punch wind spell to break an enemy's wand posture, for example.

…

So, the first on the menu: Protego. Shield spell.

It's…good but bad for defense.

Protego is based on three things: spell power, will power, and confidence.

 _And proficiency. And intent, but intent is a given for all spells._

Alright, four things. Of the four things, spell and willpower are lacking for me as an innate limiter.

This means that, compared to Harry, my shield spells will always come out weaker.

In terms of defensive ability, Protego has an inherent design flaw in the confidence and willpower requirements…and that flaw ties in with its usefulness against something big.

So let's make two examples: getting hit by a 155mm Howitzer shell and the Avada spell.

 _That's a little specific._

It's a good place to start.

So: Protego's weakness comes from the fact that if the confidence in blocking doesn't exist then it won't block at all. As in, if you know about the 155mm and it's coming at you, and don't believe you can't block it by waving a small stick around (like any sane person) then the shell will happily eat your face. But if you do, then it goes into straight math for damage mitigation.

 _By this logic, it can be assumed that Voldemort will be immune to small arms fire._

The only way I'm going to test that assumption is if I'm shelling Voldemort's immediate surroundings with the Firepower of America moments afterwards.

That aside, it means that the Shield Charm needs to clear three hurdles (intention to cast, intention to defend, actual spell power) before it can be effective as a defensive mechanism. Which means it suffers from the same problem as most conventional muggle defensive measures in the sense that an effective attack is a better use of limited resources. For me, it means that the shield charm will always be an impractical mess to use at best, a quick self-kill at worst.

…which means that after all the experimentation, creating a handful of glitter through transfiguration and tossing it between me and whatever's coming at me is an objectively better option.

 _After experimenting with Protego our answer to defense is to use a Blasting curse on the ground and then transfigure the dust into cotton or some other space-filling material._

Or else use the cards we pack and turn them into hardened shields against incoming attacks. Obviously it will not stop a howitzer, but the best defense against an artillery bombardment is to be nowhere near said bombardment in the first place, so I'm not that worried.

Also, I came across an interesting dilemma to which nobody had the answer to (granted I asked like 3 people, but still.)

So the problem I had was Gamp's Law on Food creation, namely, no food can be created.

My question was "So what is food?"

And then everybody thought I was stupid. The end.

…

Though in all seriousness, if I had the spare time I would test this to hell and back, because quite literally what qualifies as "food" and makes it impossible to create?

I mean, if I created a lettuce, is that food? Probably. If I create a basket of maple leaves, is that food? I can eat it, right?

 _Yes. Should you eat it? No._

I know I can't create chicken with Avis and eat that, because I've tried it already and the chicken just turned back into the base dirt pile I made it from when it was killed.

You can't create food, but food can be multiplied (one sandwich can become ten sandwiches), so there's no sense of preservation of caloric content…unless the ten sandwiches are only one tenth of the caloric intake of a full sandwich apiece.

…I can probably make a shitton of money selling this as a diet fad if this is the case.

Hmm…oh well. The answer is probably more mundane than I'm giving it credit for. Moving on!

…

[Wand Weighing]

…

Ah, penis jokes.

 _We had to contain a smirk for the entire event. Everybody else did not share our crude humor._

Olivanders was in attendance. He did not like us very much.

Rita Skeeter was also in attendance. She has…peculiar, tastes in fashion.

Note that the only person she tried to pull into a closet was Harry. Keyword being 'tried'.

Of course I had something to do with it. "Stop!"

 _She stops, largely due to the two crystals ramming themselves into the door she intended to open._

"Competition aside, I am Harry Potter's assigned bodyguard due to the existing threat known as Sirius Black, and he should not leave sight of at least two other people." I say formally. "As such, if you have something you need to ask him, do it here."

"Oh darling, I'm just going to ask him some easy little questions." Skeeter says with a nice little smile. "It's not like I'm going to eat him."

"Then there should be no problems with conducting the interview here." I reply (as coldly as I can manage). "In the future, please alert the staff before conducting a private interview and kindly show professionalism in your conduct."

Now obviously everybody else's response (including Rita) is like 'who the hell is _this_ idiot?' but the entire point of this declaration is to make my stance clear. That way, if she decides to do some weird shit I'll have a justification for beating her down…though given the possibilities I'd rather be allies than enemies, but take what we can get.

 _Skeeter herself seems to think this over a bit before attempting to go into the broomstick closet with Harry again._

I think she chose to ignore everything I said.

 _The door to the broomstick closet then melted itself onto the walls._

Escalation is such a pain… "I believe I had made my point clear." I sigh. "Any more attempts to disregard Harry Potter's freedom of refusal will cause you to be removed from the premises."

Skeeter looks at me with a "this kid is joking, right?" type of confused smile. It may have something to do how I'm actually aiming my wand at her.

Eventually she relents (or at least opts to try this again some other time). Until then, we'll need to teach Harry about interviewing rights and ESPECIALLY the art of keeping an impartial transcript.

 _I noticed this wasn't very conducive to your ability to get along with Skeeter._

Yeah, that might cause problems down the road.

But we got bigger fish to fry right now, because it's…

…

[Day of Competition]

…

So the competition rolls in, and we're all suitably fake-shocked that we're going to be dealing with Dragons.

I think I got Barty to like me the most because I went "Oh SHIT" when he announced Dragons and then had my dumbass grin™ on my face, which he (I guess) felt was an appropriate reaction for being told to face off against Dragons.

It is a little disappointing that our trial is basically "work as a team, get golden egg from dragon" and no other changes are in play…though realistically we're likely going to lose points for not working together or some other trivial shit.

I wish I could see the playing field though.

 _What's the deployment order?_

Durmstrang, Harry, Beaubaton, Hogwarts.

 _And what of the Dragons?_

Chinese Fireball, Hungarian Horntail, Welsh Green, Samael.

… _Wait._

The dragon we're up against is apparently from Central America. It has a snake-like supple body with three pairs of wings, and is blood-red in color. It looks like Samael from the Shin Megami Tensei series, ergo, it's Samael.

 _What's its real name then?_

It…it had a lot of Ls in its name, but otherwise I was a little too distracted by the figurine trying to eat my finger.

That being said, I'm keeping the figurine and I'm going to name it Sammy.

Anyways.

…

[Not Our Tasks]

…

 _Note that quite a lot of this information is learned after the fact._

So one of the major key differences between canon and now is that 1: the civilians watching are protected behind multiple layers of enchantments (probably a flight ceiling as well), and most importantly 2: the dragon to fight is not restrained in any way. Oh and also 3: There is only one egg (the golden one) and it's strapped onto the dragon's back.

 _The dragon not being restrained is only different against the movie, not the books. In the books they used real eggs to help pin the Dragon to position._

And all of this is exacerbated by the fact that the combat field is _utterly_ flat. No cover, no place to hide, no place to run.

 _Have fun!_

So Krum starts first, and like canon he tries to mess with the dragon's eyes with the conjuctawhatever curse, the one that hurts its eyes. Unlike canon the dragon isn't on the defensive trying to protect a clutch of eggs, so Krum had a hard time aiming for its eyes.

He and his teammate basically then split and try to circle around the fire breathing dragon.

Newsflash: it's a fire breathing dragon.

The Fireball homed in on Krum's teammate and forced said teammate to quickly throw up dirt walls between it and the angry lizard. Barriers of dirt can't stop an angry Chinese, and the dragon lands on and crushes the poor kid's legs with just its weight.

Krum then conjures some thick-ass rope and tie the dragon's mouth shut before hitting it over and over again with stunners until it moved off of his buddy. The two of them then created some seriously solid poles in the stadium and just conjured miles and miles of rope to tie the dragon down long enough to get the egg.

The mission only ends if the egg is brought to the 'safe area' designated, so Krum carried his buddy (who carried the egg) and ran like a bat out of hell, because the dragon had broken the rope on its mouth in a few seconds and burned everything to the ground.

They were ok though, apart from, y'know, the guy having his legs crushed into a bloody splatter.

 _They scored 38 out of 50._

Fleur and her buddy…did better? They scored 39, but at the same time…

Canonically Fleur drugged her Welsh Green and then snuck around it (which is pretty neat all on its own, since Dragons have inherently high resistance).

Here, her attempts to drug the dragon got her booed (which confused her greatly), until the commentator—same guy who does the Quidditch matches—noted that she was copying me.

My Wind of Sleep is just better, because whatever Fleur did wore off even before she and her buddy went halfway across the field.

The Welsh Green doesn't care about having eggs to guard, so it immediately charges the incoming team while shooting fire the entire way.

Fleur creates a cloud of something. I think her intention was to let the Dragon fly through it and breathe it in.

I don't think she remembered that it was breathing fire or that fire burns.

 _The Dragon vaporized the entire cloud with no worries._

Fleur's buddy spent his time shifting the ground so it wasn't as flat and gave Fleur cover against the incoming fire. The two of them spent the rest of their match trying to drug the firebreathing dragon to sleep while trying hard not to be roasted.

It looked a lot like guerrilla warfare. The two created a massive network of trenches and angled defensive installations and would move all around the field while taking their shots, so no two shots came from the same place. Based on Creevy's pictures it looked pretty cool.

Despite taking longer, they scored better due to taking no damage.

Oddly enough (and this extends to Krum's team too) both teams complained about the lack of cover and said it threw off their plans. Though I guess that's not really odd.

…

[Harry and Hermione]

…

"Norbert would have grown into that?" Hermione gulps. "I'm glad Hagrid decided get rid of it when it was young."

"I'm glad we talked him into that, yeah." Harry agrees fervently. "Can we go over the plan? One more time, just to be sure."

"We tie him up like the big walker thing and pluck the egg from its back." Hermione says.

 _Ash had shown the Gryffindor house Empire Strikes Back the night before the big event._

"You just distract him until then." Hermione didn't sound nearly as confident as she tried to appear. "We'll work it out somehow."

"Ok." Harry stretches. "Let's do this."

…

The instant their round started the Ridgeback decided that it really hated the two kids in the ring and charged at them at full power.

"Oh bloody hell." Hermione grumbles and raises a wall of steel.

Harry silently summons his Firebolt and add to the wall with his own layer of steel.

The Ridgeback slams into the wall and folds said wall flat onto the ground with no effort.

"We didn't build that well enough." Hermione says while frantically backing up from the Ridgeback, which notices her and rears its head to breathe fire.

"Shield up!" Harry yells (and mentally checks off an item in 'things he wanted to yell before he died').

Hermione creates a slanted barrier of earthen triangles and throw herself behind it just as the fire hits.

The fire washes over the barrier and deals no real damage.

Hermione then creates an army of small, explosive birds and direct them into the Ridgeback's wings.

The Ridgeback, seeing the incoming birds, launches itself into the air with a powerful beat of its wings.

The birds, by virtue of possessing incredible homing abilities, veer a full 90 degrees upwards and explode into the dragon's wings anyway. Cue a chain of explosions (because Hermy made like fifty of these in one go).

While the explosives push the Dragon upwards a good ten feet or so they do no significant damage. The spectacle causes the commentator (Lee Jordan) to go insane and spew forth a mountain of complements for the Brightest Witch of the Year. The Dragon itself became maximally angry and now had eyes only for her.

"I don't know what I expected." Hermione sighs and transfigures her little makeshift shield into a mobile bunker that floats between her and the dragon.

Harry by now has received his Firebolt, to the general surprise of non-Gryffindors in attendance.

"Wait, what did he do?" Durmstrang Student A whispers to his buddy.

"He probably summoned his broom." Drumstrang Student B whispers back.

"He can do that as a nonverbal spell?" Durmstrang A whispers. "How come?"

"Your students are quite accomplished, Albus." Barty Senior praises. "For them to have learned to use a fourth year spell so quickly, and so effectively."

"So Harry uses a summoning charm and gets his Firebolt." Jordan comments with a bored tone. "No big deal, I mean, we all know how to do that."

The Durmstrang and Beauxbaton student bodies, which had whispered amongst itself about the difficulty of what Harry did, were surprised into silence.

Harry didn't hear the discussion nor did he care, he simply kicks into the air and zip towards the Ridgeback.

The Dragon, now just a touch murderous and thoroughly unwilling to deal with the small-fry, slashes at Harry with its hind legs while reorienting itself in flight.

Harry zips past with no issue.

The Ridgeback intended to continue attacking the little man on a stick of wood zipping around its gargantuan body, but a surprisingly powerful beam of light from the ground struck its wing and redirected its attention.

"Maybe I shouldn't have done that." Hermione comments to herself while the angry Ridgeback drops like a rock. "Definitely not." She concludes and hides behind a multilayer wall of angled dirt.

Then she fires more Prismatic Beams (low power version) at the Dragon, because obviously the best thing to do when hiding is to tell the target exactly where you are.

The Ridgeback homes in on her and counters with blasts of fire. Blasts that are diverted by the sloped defenses she had built.

Harry takes this time to cast the rope making spell that Fred taught him (by force), and descended upon the Ridgeback like a flying spider.

Harry attached the loose end of the rope to the Ridgeback's head with a sticking charm and prayed it wouldn't detach prematurely. He then waved his wand to create a massive cordon of rope and tied down the Ridgeback's mouth, earning himself a retaliating slash from its claws in the process.

Hermione blew the claw's attack path off course with a beam.

Harry then proceeded to tie the Ridgeback's left leg to the ground through use of magical rope and harpoon ends.

The Ridgeback, now struggling violently, didn't notice Harry's wide arc over its head, and though the top part of its body was so violent it was unapproachable, the bottom half was quite well grounded, so Harry snuck the egg out of its binding with little difficulty.

Hermione, seeing the egg taken, simply sunk a section of the ground into a small trench and crawled her way out.

"That went well." Harry breathes as the Ridgeback tries to scream bloody murder through its still bound mouth.

…

[1st Person Camera]

…

So they got a 40 out of 50. I think Karkaroff was trying to play favorites with his own kids because he docked soo many points for them copying Krum's rope making scheme.

Still, really good score.

 _Incidentally the headmaster of Beauxbatons would take away points from Fleur for copying Hermione's trench digging, though in both instances both teams came up with similar solutions independently from each other._

Now it's our turn.

"I hope that grin on your face means you have a cunning plan." Cedric says to me.

Well I mean, "I do have a plan. Jury's out on if it's cunning or not." My idiot grin is indeed at full power (largely because I'm happy that Harry and Hermy did so well). "Can you buy me five minutes of time?"

"Five minutes?" Cedric repeats with a scowl. "What do you plan to do in five minutes?"

"I plan to win it in five minutes." I say in my "whatever could you mean?" faux-innocence voice.

Cedric can read tone well enough to know that whatever I have planned may not be good for his health. "Alright, five minutes. Don't get roasted." He says firmly.

The boy has balls. The man, has balls.

…

 _The two of us step onto the field._

"Taking to the field now, last but definitely not least, is the Hogwarts Champion, Cedric Diggory!" The announcer kid roars. "Plus this other guy." He adds like an afterthought.

 _"Jordan." McGonagall reminds him. Quite tiredly, I might add._

It's true though.

Anyways…we got a scary flat dirt field to play so, so let's dig trenches as the first thing we need to do.

…

 _And why aren't we digging trenches?_

Because we haven't gotten the

"BEGIN!"

Start signal no don't just unchain the d oh fuck it

 _The handlers in charge of the undragon-like Dragon release it from its chains and it immediately beelines for us._

"All you, Ceds." I mutter and depress the ground beneath my feet.

 _Jordan commentary: "Oh, he's hiding? That's a surprise."_

I drop about three feet down…just three feet? That's not enough to stop the top half of my body from being removed from existence.

So let's throw up a sloped wall to cover the other three feet of my body. And let's add spikes to it.

 _Jordan: "That's more his style."_

The Dragon's serpentine body hits the wall and smashes it like it's not even there.

Also I've now been injured by my own spikes. Fuck.

 _Cedric has been attempting to gain the focus of the dragon with little success._

He's created some dogs out of stone blocks and the flying dragon really doesn't care. It's coming after us specifically and I'm skating around with wind to the best of my ability…

But this guy doesn't seem to have a spine. I'm taking the sharpest turns I can do without losing balance and the giant Fucking Serpent is just twisting in the air and coming after me and uuuugh

FINE PLAN B THEN

…

[3rd Person Camera]

…

Ash creates a metal rod and begins to draw into the ground while skating around the Dragon.

Jordan's commentary: "I have no idea what he's doing."

"Their teamwork is nonexistent." Karkaroff sneers. "Your illegal fourth years were better, Albus."

Dumbledore merely smiles serenely as they watch Cedric finally catch the Dragon's attention with a well-placed stunning spell.

"About damn time!" Ash snarls and continues to draw his circles with greater speed.

"You didn't give me much room to work with!" Cedric snaps back while conjuring iron chains that launched themselves at the flying dragon. While they didn't hit, they did cause the Dragon to break off on its attack in more than one occasion.

"If you can keep it from landing on my circles, that'd be great." Ash notes to Cedric.

"What is that thing he's doing?" Maxime (Bauxbaton headmaster) inquires. "He's drawing circles in the ground?"

"He is a mystery." Dumbledore answers in good cheer. "He confuses us on a surprisingly frequent occasion."

"Sounds like Hogwarts needs better staff." Karkaroff jabs.

Dumbledore could care less, but simply watched as Cedric continued to pelt the Dragon with iron chains and transfigured dogs to keep it from the ground.

…

[1st Person Camera]

…

Circle, 60 percent done.

This is incredibly difficult because I'm improvising my circle a little bit.

 _What?_

I'm not smart enough to remember how to draw the entire thing from the top of my head. I got the basics down ok, though.

 _As we finish the touches on the outer layer of the circle, the Dragon gets bored of Cedric and homes in on us again._

 _Unfortunately, the active mind is too focused to notice the Dragon._

"I lost him!"

You what

OH SHIT

 _The active mind notices the Dragon swooping down on him just in time to duck._

"Sorry." Cedric says after our near death experience.

I am not happy. "Fucking hell." Largely because the threat of death is a little too real for me to enjoy this event the way I wanted to.

So!

Counterspell time! Plan B point five!

 _Is that a number or a letter?_

Yes. The Dragon's pulling up from its sweep and oh right it's pullup is shorter 'cuz it's more limber

Uh

UH

Summon Explosive Birds!

 _We create two birds around the size of our hand and send them zigzagging towards the Dragon._

They explode on impact and the Dragon…well he doesn't seem to care one way or the other see this is PRECISELY why I wanted to spend time gathering mana 'cuz I don't have the DUCK stockpile to just shoot off powerful spells like this

 _Cedric seems to take inspiration from our attack. As the dragon twists in the air to prepare itself for another dive, Cedric creates a wall of ice between it and us._

I'll assume he's a smart boy and knows what he's doing, so I'm not gonna ask.

…seriously though what are you doing

 _The Dragon, contrary to expectations, just starts shooting fireballs from its perch in the sky. The ice wall doesn't stand a chance._

"What…what were you hoping to accomplish?" I ask when we both put up a wall.

"I was hoping to blind it." Cedric says. "With that ray of light you always do."

…Well, sure, but…

Why ice?

…

Well, whatever.

We're back to our original problem, which is: if I'm spending magical power to fight, I'm not charging it up, and if I'm not charging it up, I'm not doing what I'm planning on doing.

ETA to charge: 2 minutes.

I get Cedric's attention with a small spark. "Think you can keep him occupied for two minutes?"

Note that it's been ten minutes since we started, and all I wanted was five.

Cedric grins. "I can manage that." He summons two birds and…wow, are they made of pure light?

 _They're birds around the size of his hands and glow with a dull brilliance._

It looks like they would be pure light.

He sends those birds out against the source of the fire. I may want to be looking at the ground with my eyes closed now, so let's do that.

Things then get dim slightly.

 _Jordan commentary: "MY EYES! MY EYES!"_

…So Cedric may have just flashbanged the entire school.

I can hear the Dragon losing its shit in the sky and it's very loud.

I can also hear the student body losing its shit and it's also very loud. Judging by Cedric's face, he didn't quite consider the effects of bright lights upon eyeballs.

Either way, I got my two minutes.

…

[3rd Person Camera]

…

When the student body and the dragon both recovered from the effects of the flash, they saw a large, glowing magic circle glowing around the entire arena.

"Oh, he's a fan of the olden arts." Barty Senior says in a slightly condescending manner. "How quaint."

"Leave it to him of all people to figure out how to work a large scale spell circle." McGonagall sighs while Flitwick claps at a lighting pace. Her tone, however, showed that she was far from disappointed.

"I haven't seen someone try to use a circle, Minerva!" Flitwick exclaims excitedly. "This is so exciting!"

"Can you check the protection charms on the stands, Filius?" McGonagall asks him. "As we all know, he's a bit rambunctious in the best of times."

Flitwick calms down some and gets to work reinforcing the enchantments placed on the student stands.

"Wand magic became standard because inscribing circles was impractical." Karkaroff scoffs. "He's a performer of a fool."

"I think you mean a 'fool of a performer'." Crouch Sr. says slyly.

…

[1st Person Camera]

…

You know, of all of the reactions that I heard from my place down here, McGonagalls makes me smile the most, because she knows what about to go down.

Time to command. "Alright, let's do this right. Ceds, fall back and get ready to grab that egg once I have the dragon pinned."

He then makes a very good point. "Couldn't you just have, I dunno, put it to sleep?"

My response is to make my idiot grin. "Yeah, but it would be boring."

Alright, talk over.

 _Cedric goes "of course" in a defeated manner._

 _We raise our wand into the air, and a small copy of the circle in the ground forms around the wand._

We bring our wand down and 'toss' the circle into the ground.

 _Explanation time?_

Explanation time.

I've been doing a little bit of diving into magical history (to follow up on the idea of turning my wand into something like a bracer) and uh…as we go further into the history of the wizarding world, and as documentation gets sparser and sparser…

It seems like olden mages (think at least a millennia old) used to be staff wielders. Like, spell casting was an immensely time consuming process that required a lot of preparation and foresight to use correctly.

Eventually (at around the same time gunpowder was introduced into muggle warfare, actually) wands became more commonplace, and this caused a paradigm shift in how magic was taught. So instead of focusing on memorization and note taking, wands caused the modern system of Internalization (that is, practice with the magic until the chant becomes second nature) to take root and eventually replace the old system.

I do kind of wish the shift didn't cause the art of documentation to be abandoned either, but eh…

Explanation time over, the circle has activated!

The earth trembles at my command! I! AM! IMMORTAL! AHAAHHAHAA

 _So while the active mind is on a power trip…_

 _The spell circle collects massive amounts of the earth beneath it and carves a hole into the combat area. The dirt coalesces into the space above the circle and expands into a vaguely chicken-like shape._

Why yes, I am making a giant war chicken. But not just any war chicken.

You know how Avis only works on birds?

Well, it also works on what eventually became birds.

 _The rock shape elongates and then takes form._

[Reactions]

"Oh my god." Seamus, a child who grew up as a muggle breathes upon seeing the scaly beast standing in his presence.

"Oh my god." McGonagall rubs her temples. "Is he insane? He has to be insane. That is utterly absurd."

"Is…is that?" Ron elbows Seamus. "What is that? Is that a saddle on its back?"

"It's beautiful." Seamus sighs dreamily.

[End Reactions]

I have created my golem. It is a magnificence of eight meters (24 feet or so) and has enough meat on its bones to throw down with the best of them. Gaze upon its sharp-ass claws.

"Alright, boys and girls!" I yell happily and mount my giant armored war T-Rex. "Let's get this party started!"

 _Question: how do you plan to reach the flying Dragon with your Dinosaur?_

Oh, easy. I added rocket engines to the T-Rex. Also I gave it extended grappling claws for its otherwise useless-looking two front legs so it can hug.

 _…you what?_

Yes. It's a Flying Armored Combat T-Rex. FACTR. Or something.

The controls are a touch wonky, but integrating the rocket engines with the T-Rex's golem brain seems to allow the T-Rex to control it better than I could.

Also, I named it Daisy.

 _You named the golem._

Anyways, from our saddle on her back we have access to a control panel and a targeting mechanism (much like a laser pointer). We arm the designator and lock onto Samael.

Daisy the T-Rex spins up her rocket engines and leap off of the sloped earth towards the flying red serpentine dragon, intent on hugging its flying prey out of the sky with one sweep of its mechanized claws. The Dragon, not about to be outdone, spews fire into the face of the incoming flying King. Through the fire and flames the T-Rex charges forth and spreads its arms wide, before finally embracing its prey in a deathly hug and carrying it back to the earth.

 _So the above sentence is entirely factual._

With only slight embellishment.

 _We should never be allowed near any historical events ever again._

Yes.

Aaaanyways, Daisy managed to snag Samael out of the sky and drag it back down to earth with a mighty roar. The Dragon savagely squirms against the mechanized claws to…not no avail. Shit that thing is way stronger than I thought it would be quick plan B plus one

 _We leap from our seat with the help of a good wind spell, allowing us the precious seconds required to target the dragon and break the straps holding down the egg to its back._

Takes me a few Diffindos but it comes off clean. The harness-egg combo comes free at about the same time as Samael breaking free from the mecha claws. It takes back into flight after beating Daisy over her head with its wings.

Cedric snaps out of the T-Rex induced stupor and catches the egg-harness combo before it hits the ground. He levitates the harnesses (the egg is enchanted to be a nonvalid cast target) for extra time and then grabs the whole deal at the bottom of the crater we made.

 _He goes "oof this is heavy" upon doing so._

So while Samael is busy trying to deal with Daisy (via just swiping at her), the two of us head back to the safe zone with the egg, signaling the mission's completion.

It takes a lot of coaxing before Samael was willing to come back down again.

 _And how did we restrain Daisy?_

We…tried to unsummon her.

And I say tried, because for whatever reason it wasn't working. So I used my amazing powers of forward planning to make a leash for Daisy.

 _Forward thinking. Right._

Well I mean the leashed T-rex scared the shit out of people, but overall the public reception was positive.

So. Not being to unsummon Daisy. Like…she's supposed to go 'poof' when the magical power used to create it is exhausted, but uh…for whatever reason it's not poofing.

As McGonagall wants nothing to do with this, Flitwick promises to investigate. In the meantime I install a dog AI into its brain (in the sense that the golem now has a slightly doglike behavior). A Newfie, if anyone's wondering.

 _Newfoundland. Reason: it's a dog breed that's good with children and schools have lots of children._

…

So the Dragon event ended with a boom. I scored 30 out of 50.

We lost points for: using Cedric as a distraction, showing zero teamwork, and potentially harming the audience. All very valid points that doesn't detract from the fact that we now have a giant T-Rex dog.

I am very glad that it is only doglike and not, y'know, dog. Because I think a 2-ton lapdog will kill all of us.

Welp, event over. Next up: the water level.

 _Dun dun dun._

…

 _So what's Daisy doing now?_

It's a golem and technically doesn't need to eat or sleep, so I just have it set to wander the castle grounds. The fact that it's a dog at heart now means it has a tendency to chase down the first years, which…uh, isn't exactly good for their sanity.

…

A few days later, Flitwick found the problem: the circle I drew for the transfiguration screwed up on one major point. Instead of the transfiguration having either its own energy supply (the normal explosive birds) or drawing power from the wielder (see: Dumbledore's fire whip in book 5) I accidentally hooked Daisy up to the Earth.

So the problem here (in so far as there is a problem) is that the connection to the Earth makes Daisy indestructible and unable to be unenchanted. Reason being it would require a mage to supercede the energy of the Earth (i.e. to counteract the heat of the Earth's core). It is also an additional drain the Earth's energies, so we can expect about fifteen years shaved off of Earth's service life.

 _Out of however many billions that may be._

In completely unrelated news, I now have a T-Rex as a familiar. Daisy's a little on the big side but I think we can all grow to love her for the 188 miles per hour top speed apex predator that she is.

 _So are we not worried about what comes before the water level?_

What comes before the water level?

…

…

Oh.

Oh right.

The shipping event. The ball.

…

Can't I just take Daisy to the ball?

 _No._

Darn.

.

.

.

{ === + === }

Author Notes:

It would make sense that the muggleborn children would be familiar with Dinosaurs, right?

 _Of all the points you made that's the one you're questioning?_


	17. Goblet of Fire - Wet

{ === + === }

So.

Yule Ball.

First things first, because we all know this is coming: Hermione is not a valid choice as she is a participant in the event, so she's off the table.

Alright.

…

[Pairings]

…

Cedric picked Cho. The two have pretty good chemistry when, y'know, Cho isn't suffering from fucking PTSD.

 _There was some talk of us picking Cho amongst the student populace under the justification that we're both Asian._

That was expected on both occasions.

Fleur and her buddy picked out NPCs, one from Beauxbatons and one from Hogwarts.

 _The Hogwarts NPC is Roger Davies, the Ravenclaw Quidditch Captain._

Krum and his buddy are going with some other girls, one from Hufflepuff and one from Beauxbatons.

Harry…by the time the ball came around he went with the Patil twins with Ron, per the story.

Hermy made a pick but she kept it quiet (her date also) so I don't know who she picked…not that I tried very hard to find out.

We…still don't have a date.

 _Note that this little section is occurring a few days before Christmas. Also, why?_

Well our pool of supporting girls is pretty small, first off.

Ginny is going with Neville, who, I feel compelled to point out, is slowly growing into their sexy adult body.

 _Which one?_

Neville. Duh? He's lost some of the pudgy cuteness that came with being a small child. Sure, he's got the weird proportions that come with growing into a teenager, but it's pretty easy to see that when he's done growth spurting he's going to be a very attractive kid.

 _He'll be 17 at that point._

And I'll be mentally 40 at that point (more or less). He'll still be a kid to me.

 _Pretty sure you don't qualify as an adult by any stretch of the imagination._

Anyway, even if Neville didn't follow canon I would still avoid Ginny…if only because we are, at best, polite acquaintances. Also I think the twins would hex me to hell and back and objectively speaking I like Fred and George better than I like Ginny.

So the other option would be Luna, who we actually have a good relationship with.

 _How?_

I practice on a daily basis, and every so often Luna would find the rooms I practice in and we'd hang out for a little bit afterwards.

In any case, the takeaway from this is:

Luna refused.

Not like "oh I'm sorry I've already been invited" refused, mind you. Her reasoning straight up was "I don't feel like it."

Which caught us by surprise, to put it lightly…but at the end of the day it's a free country, so…while I'm not happy with not being able to go with someone I'm familiar with, I will happily respect her decision. You know it just occurred to me that I have spent next to no time building a social network outside of the main characters. Fuck.

 _So this means you'll have to pick somebody from the student body like a Peasant._

Yeah…hoo boy.

 _God forbid you learn to make friends._

Anyways, the other events come first.

…

[SPEW]

…

So I apparently forgot that book 4 was when SPEW was established.

Sometime after the Gryffindor victory party (which I opted not to attend) Hermy found out how to get to the kitchen from Fred.

Hoo. Boy.

She became...convinced…that giving House Elves equal rights was the way to go. If her vigor wasn't so oddly mismatched by the elves themselves it would actually be commendable.

"Hermione, you do realize that humane treatment does not mean 'treat them like a human', right?" I pointed out one day.

"It's deplorable!" She retorts. "They're working them like slaves!"

Ok. "Yes, and they feed us, and can willingly teleport throughout the castle."

"What's your point?" She demands.

"My point is, as slaves they are, quite literally, more powerful than we are." I realize this isn't the best argument but SPEW is admittedly low on my list. "If they really wanted freedom I seriously doubt we'd be able to stop them."

"They're magically bound, Ash." Hermione says in a 'this should be obvious' tone.

"Yeah, so…how do you plan to deal with those bounds? Enchant socks to follow them everywhere?"

After that she stopped speaking with us.

 _And we made zero progress in convincing her to stop._

Good times.

…

[The Golden Egg]

…

"So, uh…"

 _Harry comes to visit us as we're packing for Christmas break._

Not really packing, since I travel exceedingly light.

So…

Harry is currently eying our bag and I'm not sure if he had a previous question or if he's curious about why we're breaking convention.

 _It's convention for the champions to stay near the competition site over winter break._

"Yeah?"

Harry…might have been interested to know where we were going. "Have you…you know, figured out the golden egg yet?" Though he has other things on his mind right now.

Oh you adorable little procrastinator.

"Kind of." I tap my bag. "I need to go prepare for it, hence why I'm packing."

He seems a little defeated by my answer.

 _Probably because he expected a hint._

I know, I know. I'm getting to it. "Here's a hint. The egg works best underwater."

In retrospect I realize that I pretty much just told him what to do.

 _We're horrible at dropping hints._

No kidding. Harry doesn't seem to quite understand, though he mentally shelves the issue. "Where are you going?"

"The States." I reply and resume packing…I have an inordinate amount of potions. "Like I said, I need more gear to deal with this next trial, so I'm going home to get them."

"I think you're only allowed to have your wand." Harry, the dude who was the first (canonically) to break the rules says. He realizes a second later and doesn't need me to tell him that.

So all I say is a "Yeah" and pat him on the shoulder. "See you in a few days."

"Right." Harry is totally confused.

…

…

"I'm still having trouble believing you are about to go through with this." Sirius sighs.

I laugh. "I thought you'd be more interested in this."

"I am, but I am also troubled." He says. "Do you believe this will work at all?"

"Nope. That's why we're testing." I grin to his discomfort. "At least weight isn't an issue."

"Magic's good for many things." Sirius agrees. "So I'm a bit miffed you're going to use muggle methods for this next challenge."

There's value in this, largely because I don't think I can handle staying underwater for long periods of time. Or rather, I don't want to stay underwater for long periods of time.

Anyways, we're at our target objective. The two men we were scheduled to greet stand outside of their business, see us coming, and wave.

 _Handshakes all around._

"Hi!" I say brightly. "I'm here to buy a boat!"

…

[Yule Ball]

…

We returned to England a day before the ball started.

Most damningly, we did not have a date.

 _You're T-minus twenty hours until the dance and you don't have a date._

I was buying a boat!

 _NO EXCUSES_

The paperwork took forever and we had to subtly hex the people involved to get it to work, but yeah…shit.

 _We stand up during breakfast and cast the loudening charm on ourself._

We stand on our seat. "Ahem. Attention everyone, I have a request I need to make."

 _The great hall falls silent, though some Gryffindors are making "ah not again" faces._

"I have spent my time preparing for the second task and thus have not secured a date for the Yule Ball. Anyone interested in going?"

 _There is now stunned silence as everyone is amazed at how blasé we are about breaking tradition._

Most of them never even saw the tradition happen.

 _Eventually a small Ravenclaw third year raises her hand._

"Thank you, you're awesome. Outside of the great hall an hour before it starts?" I just realized I don't know when the ball starts.

 _She nods._

Best girl? Best girl.

I can't see her face, but best girl, probably.

 _You have zero social finesse._

It should be obvious by now that we pave our way with money.

…

We get glares from the rest of the school until the start of the dance.

We spent this time prepping our equipment for the Second Task.

 _Which we will describe in another section because you have to do the dance._

Fiiiine…

…

[The Dance]

…

We arrive about an hour and a half early after making sure we know when the thing was going to happen. I wanted to arrive while mounted atop of Daisy the Trusty T-Rex, but McGonagall wouldn't let me.

We're dressed in a dapper but otherwise normal black muggle tux…with a small over-one-shoulder cape (black) emblazoned with an eagle (gold).

 _Over-one-shoulder…_

A small cape, yes. I like 'em. I think they look nice. If memory serves I'm mimicking the Durmstrang style a little.

…Also I'm hiding a small vial of alcohol beneath it, since I'm not allowed to bring my pouch of weapons with me to the dance.

 _What's wrong with just packing your wand?_

Wind of Sleep is faster.

…

Ah, there she is.

 _We waited for maybe five minutes._

Wow she's short.

 _REALLY?_

Hey I didn't say it out loud. Don't hold it against me.

She is quite small though…wow.

"Your outfit looks…" How do I put this? "Odd."

 _Good job._

"I wanted to sneak into the dance when nobody was paying attention." She says matter-of-factly.

Her dress is like…just long enough to qualify as an upscale ballroom gown, and just short enough to give her the mobility needed to not trip over the hems.

Also she has her hair in a ponytail and is wearing a giant fluffy ribbon.

She's so adorable. Can we keep her?

… _are we the good guys?_

"You're very pretty." Note how we still don't know her name.

 _I was supposed to do that._

"Thank you." She says politely. "Shall we go?"

 _We go and join the other heroes in their procession into the Great Hall._

Yeah I'm slightly mimicking the Durmstrang style. Oh well. Male formal wear are basically military uniforms anyway.

 _It's quite amazing how many dirty looks we're getting._

They're just jealous of how cute our date is.

 _Prrretty sure that's not what's going on here. Anyways, as the first dance gets underway…_

…

She's a way better dance than me.

…

Hmm…

Can't quite put my finger on it. She looks familiar.

 _You don't say._

…

We stayed for about three dances before we needed to take a breather, so we picked a place to sit and got some drinks.

 _Incidentally, the spot we picked gave us a line of vision to Harry's table._

As expected, Harry and Ron ditched the Patil twins pretty much instantly. Looks like Ron may be fuming…why though? Hermy didn't go with Krum this time.

 _She went with Fred, which is not, in the grand scheme of things, better for Ron. Kind of._

I guess.

So who did Krum pick?

 _One of the Gryffindor Quidditch girls._

…We don't know names do we.

 _Nope._

So the pairings are Cedric/Cho, Me/This Girl, Harry/Patil1 or Patil2, I don't really know…Hermione/Fred…

I don't particularly care about the other two schools. It's easy to see that Krum's getting requests from all the women while Fleur's getting requests from all the men, while their two friends act as wingman-slash-substitutes when things get rowdy.

…Looks like Krum's going over to Harry and Ron. Given that Krummy's not out with Hermy this time Ron is _way_ more enthusiastic about making friends with the superstar.

"What do you think about Krum?" Our date asks.

 _We are currently sitting side by side in order to chat, as the great hall is pretty loud at this point._

"Plays good, looks good, not much beyond that." I reply carelessly. "Not my problem."

"Not your problem?" She repeats quizzically. "What do you mean?"

Well I mean "we're competing in the same event, apart from that I don't particularly care what his personal traits are like."

"Huh." She sips her…whatever it is. "Luna was right. You are weird."

"You're friends with her?"

"Um." WOW the mental backpedaling expressed on her face is immense. "Not…she told me about you this morning."

I think I'm continuing to underestimate how badly ostracized Luna is. Yikes.

I frown. "Who's going to eat you if you were her friend?"

"She pesters people who want to be friends, and then we never get any studying done." She says. "It's not like we don't like her…"

…ok, fair point.

 _We form a sentence and cut it off before we say it._

…wow I almost asked about her grades.

 _Why would that be bad?_

It's out of character for me. "So everybody just stopped being Luna's friend or something?"

"It's easier than telling her to stop." She huffs.

Hm.

 _Luna never pesters us when we're practicing._

Might be because we're not reading something…well, whatever. We'll have a pretty good idea of how things work come next year.

 _We watch Harry and Ron abandon the premises. Also, question: why are we leaving them alone?_

Harry asked us to enjoy ourselves. I think he feels guilty about needing us as a bodyguard despite, y'know, us abusing the title whenever convenient.

Either way, if the two of them are going to do their own thing I'm under no obligation to stop them. Worst case scenario they accidentally crush beetle!Rita or something.

 _We spend the rest of the night in the party with the girl. It was uneventful._

Though I did make the slightly uncomfortable realization that Holy Shit Hogwarts has a lot of poorly policed quiet corners…I didn't actually see anything happen though.

 _Maybe this is why they have so many paintings._

Silently judge the students as they sneak off for underage sex? Yeah, makes sense. Kinda. Sorta.

…

So anyways.

…

[2nd Event]

…

 _Wow that skip._

Let's be honest, nothing important happens for us in the interim beyond, y'know, getting our shit together.

 _Ugh. In the interim Hagrid's past as a half-giant is out, which we responded with supreme indifference._

The trio didn't care, so why should I?

 _Another Hogsmeade visit happened._

I literally flew to the US just to buy a boat. Hogsmeade doesn't bother me any.

 _And everybody knows it. Malfoy was a douche._

Out of my line of sight so not my problem.

 _Bagman tried to help Harry cheat._

I was actually around for this one, and he offered the same deal (though with a much greater amount of reluctance) to me. Harry turned him down instantly.

 _And we…?_

My response was "Dude I bought a boat" to which Bagman had no suitable response.

 _The trio tries to convince Hagrid that being half-giant was no big deal. They insistently dragged us along for this one._

Note that for most of these events I have been off campus for as many hours as I can manage so as to practice on my boat. That they managed to find me was quite fortuitous of them.

We went down to Hagrid's, and the trio tries to use friendly logic.

I go "I don't know if you realize this but everybody knows you're in here."

Obviously that, y'know, doesn't help me make friends.

"Besides, why should you care what they think about you?" Is my next point. "Or do you believe that they're actually superior to you?"

Being confrontational doesn't get me anywhere, but at least Hagrid grumbles about how I'm overthinking things, so that's nice.

"What's wrong with being a big and awesome?" I (very obviously) pretend to be confused. "It's not like any of them can do half the things you do."

 _The trio seizes on that kind of logic, where Hagrid has no reason to be ashamed of his badassery, and eventually they convince Hagrid to return to his duties._

He doesn't trust us still.

…

 _In any case, we are now standing on the pier of the great lake._

Right. So. The event.

First off, the organizers have a spell casted onto the surface of the lake so the people can watch what's going on underneath it (I asked McGonagall about it) and it's so damn cool.

Second, unlike everybody else, Cedric and I are dressed warmly. Everybody else is dressed in swimwear.

"You… _do_ realize we'll have to swim, right?" Harry asks me nervously.

"I got it covered." I grin in reply. Cedric, who I did not brief on the plan beyond 'don't worry about swimwear', glances about in slight confusion.

 _As does most people. We're by far attracting the most curious glances for our supposed lack of preparation._

So, the second event. Much like the first, it is about fetching something important from underneath the waves. Unlike canon, the time limit is five hours instead of one. This leads me to believe that the targets are hidden either deeper into the lake or are somehow less visible.

Either way, this means that the main guys are going to have some problems. Especially Harry.

 _Neville only brought enough Gillyweed for an hour's worth._

Harry did as much practice with bubblehead as he could (thanks to my meddling) so he can maintain about twenty minutes with the spell before needing to recast. He will need to resurface in order to recast though. Hermione could keep her air almost indefinitely, but comparatively speaking she's a less capable swimmer than he is.

 _We bought him a watch for Christmas on the assumption that he will need it. We got one for ourselves, Ced, and Hermione too._

I'm so used to smart phones by now that having a real watch on my wrist ends up feeling quite odd…last time I wore a watch was in…what, middle school?

 _Not much age difference then._

Yeah. "Alright, good luck to you guys. Don't forget to come up for air." I wave cheerily to Harry and Hermione.

"Do you actually have a plan?" Hermione asks me. "I'm genuinely worried."

 _The whistle blows._

"Yeah, I do."

I raise my wand and perform the summoning charm while the rest of them head into the water.

"Um." Cedric wonders after a few seconds.

"Just give it a little." I reassure him as a-ha.

 _A small radio flies into our hands._

Just in the nick of time. I flip it on. "Ground unit to Delivery, are you in place?"

I hear an "OH JEEZ" followed by a thud.

 _It sounds like the person on the other end fell off of his seat._

Yeah. "You ok over there?"

"Just surprised." Sirius replies with a hint of indignation. Also he's too far from the radio and is compensating by shouting. "Is it time?"

"It's time. Fly it in, buddy."

…

The spectators to the sport then got to see the Flying Van of America deliver a comparatively massive seafaring vessel into the lake.

 _Some of them go "hey I recognize that Van!"_

Said vessel had the words "United States Coast Guard" emblazoned on its side…I forgot to buff that out. Damn.

 _So…_

Over the break I went boat shopping.

 _…And what did you get?_

A United States Coast guard Cape-Class Cutter patrol boat, Type B configuration. It's a pretty old boat, decommissioned after the US switched to newer models, and we paid a premium to get it fixed up for today. It's equipped with state of the art (civilian) sonar and underwater Search and Recover equipment, and the two of us (though it's mostly Sirius) made sure to enchant the boat to hell and back so it can enter the Hogwarts barrier unchanged.

 _And we know how to operate that equipment._

I put as many hours into it as possible. I probably can't repair any kind of damage or do any kind of serious maintenance on it, but flipping a switch and interpreting the readouts I can do…with reasonable accuracy.

 _And the government was ok with you buying it._

Well I mean it's old and decommissioned, so as long as we…uh…faked the paperwork, it was fine.

It still has its armaments, though I purposefully ignored purchasing ammo for the time being. Not like I need to work the guns after this event anyway, though.

And as far as the US Government is concerned, the ship we're using is now off their grid and they won't have any idea what happened to it.

 _Oh dear lord._

It's not like I bought a massive luxury cruiser or something.

 _…Would you have?_

With a price tag of 400 million? I'm uh…considering it. It might be better to get my hands on an actual warship blueprint or something though. Less paperwork.

 _I don't even know anymore dude_

Over the summer I'm going to be upgrading my little boat as a pet project, because, y'know, why the fuck not.

 _Ugh. Anyways._

Yes.

"Oh, ok." Cedric shakes out of his shock. "So you brought a boat."

"Yep. I'm not in the mood to swim and searching underwater for five hours sounds like a chore." I laugh. "Hop in."

 _We do end up wading out to the ship in order to board it though. Also, does it have a name?_

Dagger.

 _Boring. For those wondering…_

Yeah, yeah…for every space 4x game I play the first ship of the smallest class is always either named or of the type Dagger. Always. Second ship is always Dart.

 _Like I say, booring._

IN ANY CASE

Cedric follows me onto the boat as the judges rule that _technically_ we're not breaking any rules, and I start driving the thing deeper into the lake.

I enchanted the boat to move without needing to turn on the engine, since I'm not sure if turning on propellers with children in the water is a good idea.

"So you really did come prepared." Cedric marvels. "Wasn't this supposed to be about our own capability?"

"Preparation is a skill, too." I laugh. "There's no such thing as a lone wolf hero."

"Really." Cedric chuckles. "Should a Gryffindor be saying that?"

"We should be the first ones to say that." I grin. "We're about to start operations…put on that diving suit."

"Put…what?"

Cedric is suitably confused.

"That." I gesture to the black diving suit plus breathing apparatus and enchanted headlights (because fuck yeah™). It doesn't glow red, white, and blue though. That would just be annoying. "You're the one going underwater."

"You did warn me about this, I suppose." Cedric sighs and does as he's told.

We also gave Cedric a…line? Connected to the ship. It's enchanted to pass sound clearly through the line, so it's basically a telephone but without the need to worry about losing clarity.

 _Fred n'George's extendable ears, but a year early and a good mile long in length._

I passed out after making it, so it better be good. I made a total of five of these.

In any case, I'm both driving (kinda) and watching the sonar display.

Five minutes in, we have a ping.

 _A…_

So obviously the equipment is enchanted as well. In this case, the sonar returns a positive ping whenever it finds a biological object that has magic applied to it. Theoretically we should find our targets just fine, but obviously if we're getting a ping this close to the coast it's gonna be way harder than expected.

Either way, it's good experience for Cedric, so we tell him to get in there.

 _Complete with the whole 'roll backwards out of the boat' thing._

He seems to be having fun.

Or something.

 _And what are we doing?_

We are…up here, chilling in a boat, letting Ceds do all the hard work.

…I should have installed a cocoa machine or something. There is a stove though…hm. I could put on some tea.

 _…So to recap…_

The first task was about creativity. The second? Money.

…

After a few minutes, Cedric came back up with (predictably) nothing.

So we move deeper into the lake, and the pattern repeats itself for the next hour.

…

"I don't think I realized how dark the lake could be." Cedric gripes.

"There's probably a spell involved." I agree…though I don't quite know what the lighting of a freshwater lake is supposed to be. "Or else there are just some seriously deep sections." Like the sections that house a giant fucking squid.

"Yeah." He sips the mug of tea in his hands. "Is this how muggles search for things underwater?" He asks suddenly. "We wizards don't usually do things like these."

Eh…it's close? "I certainly took my inspiration from muggle parties." I nod. "It's easier to do something like this when working as a pack."

Cedric chuckles. "I like it. Better than having nothing to warm myself up." He stretches. "Ok, I'm going back in."

We've found multiple pings below us in several clusters, so Cedric has been checking them one by one.

"Yep, good hunting." I wave as he dives in again.

 _So what are we doing with our spare time?_

Given the sheer amount of free time I have, I've been crafting flashbang ammo. Reason is, I've been racking my brain over what could be in the water to threaten us, and I'm fairly certain there are other threats beside the squid, though their names escape me at the moment.

So obviously our counter against the active threats is to use the mounted .50 caliber machine gun and chase them away. If we were to use live ammo there's a pretty good chance we'd catch Cedric in the crossfire (nevermind the reduced effectiveness on ammo under water) so I'm craft specialized flashbang rounds for use underwater. I've made like a hundred rounds in the past half-hour, so it's not really going too well.

…?

Someone's surfacing.

…

It's Harry! And…he seems to be flailing a bit.

"Need a little help?" I call out to him.

No response, just splashes.

 _So we get a lifesaver and toss it to him._

He flails and touches the ring and grabs on, and we reel it in.

"Thanks." Harry…oh wow those are some pretty nasty looking bites on your leg.

"Sure." I help him up and inside the cabin, where I get the first aid kit to do some first aid. "Found your thing yet?"

"Nothing. I can't see five feet in front of me." He grumbles. "Bubblehead is wonderful but it doesn't help much in the sight department."

No surprises there.

 _We go out to wait for Hermione._

True to form she shows up about a minute later with the same bite marks.

"Are there piranhas in there?" I ask out of half curiosity and half fear because fucking hell magic piranhas.

"Grindylows." Hermione seethes. "Nasty little buggers." She rubs her legs and oh lordy they're bleeding.

 _We hurry to clean and bandage them._

That's pretty much the extent of my first aid knowledge.

"I feel like this might not be allowed in the rules." Hermione mutters as her attention shifts away from her leg and onto the boat around her.

The Judges already ruled it ok, but "if they come down on me after the fact then it's my problem." I shrug. "While we're at it, how about we break the rules further?"

Hermione is obviously critical of my suggestion while Harry could care less. "What do you have in mind?" she asks cautiously.

"We work together." I say simply. "I have a home base, and the rest of you have four more hours in the water."

"Deal." Harry said quickly, earning a dirty look from Hermy. "What?" He defends himself. "It's not like we were making progress."

"What's the spirit of interhouse cooperation if we're not allowed to cooperate, right?" I grin. "Besides, you're already an accomplice." I gesture to her mug of tea.

Hermy glares at us. "I agree with you, but that doesn't mean I'm agreeing with you." She grumbles. "Though I'd much rather finish finding what we're searching for before the sun sets." She adds in a defeated tone.

 _We get the two of them suited up and we're on our way again._

Hermione looks quite good in a skin-tight diving suit.

Harry, too.

 _Covering all your bases I see. Also the suits are not skin-tight._

Spoilsport.

…

With three divers, the search goes faster and we cover a much larger set of potential targets, but…

After another hour, still no dice.

Ugh.

We're pretty far into the lake now, though the sheer size of it makes me think an enchantment might be involved somehow.

…Either way, I really should have stocked on more tea or something.

 _Harry, Hermy, and Ceds are resting on the tail end of the ship when Harry notes a small disturbance on the water surface. Though Cedric doesn't notice, he does see the sudden change in Harry's demeanor and opt to request support._

"Ash! Come quick!" Cedric calls out suddenly.

 _We're in the bridge facing the front of the boat._

It's not a big boat so I have no problems hearing the call.

 _We comply and go see_

"What's up?"

"I see something in the water, I think." Harry says with squinted eyes. He's staring out at the water surface but for the life of me I have no idea what he's looking at.

 _His motion sense is really good._

No kidding.

Well, it could be anything, it could be nothing. "Get down there and check it out." I order. "Take a harpoon gun with you."

 _A what now_

Harpoon gun…but we don't have harpoons, so it's more like a bangstick. It discharges a small orb that explodes with a lot of light.

This is a sporting event not a hunting trip.

 _The three of them hurriedly take a gun each and dive right in, following in on Harry's lead._

I…make the executive decision to turn the boat around and point one of the .50 cal machine guns in their general direction.

And then I go about practicing actually loading the machine gun with the ammo and then realize I have no fucking clue what I'm doing.

 _You're quite prepared I see._

I spent my time learning how to work the electronics, so kindly fuck off.

 _Har. Eventually we get pissed and just enchant the ammo into a belt and feed it into the gun that way._

…

[3rd Person Camera, Underwater]

…

Harry's diving team hit the water and immediately began swimming towards the point where Harry saw the stream of bubbles.

Harry, by virtue of being the first in line, homes in on the trail of bubbles rising to the water surface and dives down after the source. Soon enough, he sees two shapes illuminated by his headlight.

It was Fleur and her partner, and the two were under attack by a veritable swarm of Grindylows.

 _They must've swum too closely to the weeds._ Harry deduces before bringing his gun to bear. Behind him, Hermione and Cedric bring up their weapons as well.

With several discharges of light towards the Grindylows, the three of them chases away the Grindylows and head in to rescue Fleur and her teammate.

 _They didn't leave._ Hermione notes with worry as Cedric and Harry carry one Beauxbaton contestant each and start swimming for the surface.

True to her observation, the Grindylows were simply swimming around the contestants as if looking for a new opportunity to strike.

Cedric was the only one with the care and practice to bring a line with him, and he radioed home like a good little boy. "Ash, we're surrounded by Grindylows. They're not going to let us surface."

"Roger that, paving the way." Ash replies readily and arms his 50 cal. "Watch yourselves, I can't see where I'm aiming." He depresses his trigger.

 _That sounds unsafe._ All four of them thought simultaneously.

Explosive Light Bullets streak into the lake and explode at random in the water. Ash wasn't very good at this whole bullet making business.

Either way, the explosions and lights tell the Grindylows to kindly fuck off and stay fucked off while the diving team head back to the surface.

…

[1st Person Camera]

…

That went well. The three of them haul the two girls on board without further incident…wow.

 _Fleur and her teammate had serious wounds on their body._

Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't Grindylows eat people?

 _Occasionally, yes._

…So why are they in the lake?

 _Probably because they have enough tamable intelligence for the Merfolk to keep them in check._

Ok, sure. I'll take it.

 _We rouse the two of them and see to their injuries._

After some deliberation, the two girls decides to join our merry band of divers in our escapades, if only to avoid getting eaten by the fucking Grindylows™ or, worse still, have to withdraw from the event.

 _How is that worse?_

I dunno.

With our diving team of five, we now proceed deeper into the lake.

…Wait, no, make that seven.

The Durmstrang people saw our boat and was like "hey we want on" and we went "ok".

 _Um…_

…that's really what happened. The two of them have been underwater for the entire time searching, and finding nothing, and so they got frustrated as their transformations wore off. We had a boat, they wanted a place to sit, good for everybody.

…

After four hours and thirty minutes of near constant searching, we finally find what could be our targets (a large blob of pings) in the…not dead center of the lake.

Props to the folk involved they really tried to make the group as well hidden as possible. Or something.

So we park the boat, get everyone armed, and have them go under to get the hostages while we sit up here twiddling our thumbs like the manager we are.

 _Harry's group descends, with three of them (the three NPCs) on cover duty while the four named characters secure the abductees._

Two per person, and basically the folks we went to the dance with (exception to Ron).

…Makes me wonder if every event following the Yule Ball is a 'rescue the hostage' type of mission, because if it were that'd be really stupid. Well, I guess it wouldn't be stupid, it would just be depraved.

Regardless, we get everyone on board, blanketed up nice and warm, and we head back to dock.

No muss, no fuss.

…

 _Final result?_

Everyone gets the same score except us; we get slightly less by like 3 points.

The explanation was that "we showed a great spirit of cooperation and magnanimity by sharing our available resources and demonstrated great leadership in organizing the effort" but, according to Karkaroff, "otherwise sat on our asses and did nothing."

He was entirely correct. There was a lot of downtime in the event which I passed by lounging around and reading.

 _Reading Harry Potter?_

That would've been interesting on many levels, but no.

…

And thus ends event two!

 _Wait what_

.

.

.

{ === + === }

Author Notes:

Fuck swimming.


	18. Goblet of Fire - Maze

{ === + === }

 _So…there seems to be quite a lot more whispering about us in the recent days._

I imagine so, yeah.

 _And most of it seems to be unrelated to the boat._

…oh, yeah. that.

So Skeeter is a thing. Still.

She published an article detailing the Harry-Hermione-Krum relationship.

 _Which we did not know because we did not see it: Krum sought out Hermione during the Yule Ball._

I've asked Hermione and (after reassurances that I'm on her side) she corroborates the details presented in Rita's story. She also notes that Rita's story was incredibly detailed…as in, impossible to know through second-hand information.

So either Hermione and Krum (and by extension Harry) failed every spot check they had last night or we got a little beetle girl on our hands. No points for guessing.

 _Obviously they failed their spot checks. What do we do about Skeeter?_

…I wish I could hold to my initial desire of getting Skeeter to my side, but considering how I'm spending my time, she's a seriously out of scope threat.

 _So what are we spending time on?_

Training for the maze.

…

[Maze reasoning]

…

So obviously the last stage is the maze. Like canon, we'll be entering individually and the last man standing wins the entire competition.

I'm assuming that, like canon, Fake Moody will be wandering around screwing with people to let Harry win. I'm also assuming that I've made enough of an ass of myself in Fake Moody's eyes to be priority target number one, so I need to be ready for a surprise attack in the maze.

…I also need to prepare for the graveyard battle, and that's a bigger problem if only because we have to go through the maze first.

So…at the end of the day, this is the Triwizard cup. This is a sporting event. The first two events I could do whatever I wanted so long as I stuck with nonlethal methodology, because at the end of the day there wasn't anything crucial going on.

For the third one, I need to be as lethal as possible while being nonlethal. Also (and I get the feeling this is my fault) we're going to be checked for equipment to make sure that the only thing we take into the maze is our wand, and the summoning spell is exclusively banned.

 _Pretty sure it's our fault, since we summoned a gunboat and all._

Yeah…anyways, this means whatever gear I have I need to procure either on the spot or hide it in my socks. I'm carrying two small bags of holdings and they're fitted into my shoes. Between the two of them, I have enough storage room for one of our AKs and some ammunition, but due to some weird formational thing the AKs will have to be stripped down to pieces.

So we're spending a few hours per day stripping and reassembling the Soviet Masterpiece until we can do it in the dark and in our sleep.

 _How's that going?_

I have a reassemble success rate of about 15% after 80 hours of practice. You tell me. Funnily enough, McGonagall lets us do it in her class so long as we do our class work first, so that's nice.

Second on the agenda is our actual tactics. So far, most of our fights have been with zero occlusion, with me and the enemy having clear sight of each other.

If it proceeds like canon then that can't be allowed, for both Cedric and our own well-beings.

To that end, we've spent the time to build a fairly sizable obstacle course with popup targets that shoot water at random intervals. It's not that hard to dodge, but at the same time I'm still going home wet, so…

 _More practice._

Yeah. At the end of the day, I'll be happy if our first reflex action upon getting into an unknown area is to find the closest piece of cover and cower behind it.

Anyhoo…with all of that I'm just spending a lot of hours making sure I don't die in the future, so I don't have leeway to deal with Skeeter.

So with that in mind, let's cover the other events.

…

[Snape's Storage]

…

Er…what?

 _Professor Snape had complained (to himself) about stolen Boomslang skin._

…Oh. Oh right. Fake Moody's…uh…what do you call it. Polyjuice potion.

 _Snape did not complain about Gillyweed as Neville took the time from his Christmas break to procure it from out of castle._

Neville's really coming along as the hero he deserves to be. It's quite nice.

…

Though…we heard about this after the fact, since Snape's got a thing for Harry and not us: per canon, Harry was ordered to stay behind to be interrogated by Snape about the missing snakeskin (to which he truthfully knew nothing of) and then Karkaroff came in at the tail end of the interrogation to show Snape something on his arm.

No points for guessing what it is, though this does pose a different question.

 _A question that we posed to Snape when we caught him moving some of his rarer supplies to our Base._

"Professor Snape. You have the dark mark, no?"

He understandably freezes for a second. "Yes. It is a part of my history." He says stiffly.

"Harry told me Karkaroff went and showed you his mark a while back, right?" I ask…or, more accurately, I lie. Harry just said Karkaroff showed off something on Snape's arm.

 _There was about a five-day gap between these two events._

"That he did." Snape replies stiffly again.

But the million dollar question is: "So the mark hasn't shown any changes until recently?"

Snape gives me a weird look at that.

I need to know. "Is that a yes?"

"To the best of my memory it has not shown any changes until recently, now stop pestering me." He snaps.

Hmm.

On one hand, good, it means Ghost!Riddle hasn't taken over or done anything of interest.

On the other hand…shit, it means Ghost!Riddle is still unaccounted for. If he does the smart thing and go entirely under the radar to prepare for a new invasion in twenty years or so…then again by then smart phones will be prolific, so I'm pretty sure if Ghost!Riddle decides to do some shit twitter would be all over it like wildfire.

Either way, ultimately quite reassuring to realize that Riddle is currently a nonfactor. If it changes in the future, though? Yuck.

…

[Barty Crouch Senior]

…

Since Sirius is obviously not as pivotal to the main group, we ended up filling in for him when Crouch started to play a bigger role in the exposition.

 _Disclaimer…_

Yeah, yeah…Sirius told us, and we told the trio. Because, not gonna lie, I forgot Crouch Senior existed even as a supporting character.

To sum up, Crouch Senior is a politician, he's responsible for sending Sirius behind bars basically without a trial, went martial law on the Death Eaters, and basically killed his son for being a political liability and mass murderer.

 _We know Crouch Junior is alive and well, though we're not gonna mention it._

Either way, since the party is on reasonably good terms with Sirius (though less than canon) they are willing to believe this story.

Also Percy.

 _What?_

Percy got a ministry job (per canon). Ron's being tasked with bugging him for information pertaining to Crouch Senior, but I think that's a dead end.

…

[Winky]

…

She works at Hogwarts and is an alcoholic because the society of house elves does not provide psychiatrists. Next!

…

[Hermione Fallout]

…

She gets hate mail because of paparazzi. We bewitch a hairpin for her that flashes when it detects "possibly dangerous" magic. She doesn't use it.

 _Reason: it never stops flashing._

We're not very good at this.

Either way she gets cursed by some hormonal 14 year old and had to spend time in the hospital. Sports people are weird, man.

Also Fred and George learn about the downfalls of invented gold.

We then pose an offhand question to them: "why is gold valuable?"

 _In the middle of Care of Magical Creatures. We get quite a lot of weird looks as a result._

To their credit, The Twins actually take their time to think it over, and both reply with a somewhat confused "I don't know."

I actually had no ulterior motive for asking, but it's nice to see them taking the time to think things over.

Uh…I got sidetracked. Hate mail.

Hagrid tells Hermy to nevermind the hate mail.

I tell her to start suing for libel.

She listens to Hagrid.

 _Like any sane person would._

She also digs deeper into the Skeeter investigation, so we're just gonna let her go off on that no problem.

…

[The Maze: Reveal]

…

We learn about the maze on…uh…24th of May. The Quidditch folk are saddened.

"Why did you build it in the stadium?" I can't help but ask.

"For the stands, my boy!" Bagman replies jovially.

Remember how the Quidditch stadium in the first movie was basically just a ring? Oh how far we've come.

Still. "And magically building a new set of stands was beyond you?"

"Tearing it down is beyond me." Bagman winks. "I like to keep things simple."

Simple like your ploy to pay off your debts, yeah.

 _All we have is muggle money, so we can't really help him there._

What could he possibly contribute to me?

…

[Hermione versus the Weasley Family]

…

I don't get why Molly puts such a strong emphasis on Hermione's perceived infidelity.

 _She ships Harry and Hermione._

Apparently.

 _So it's around Easter and per canon Molly gave Hermy way smaller eggs._

It should be noted that we get no eggs from the Weasley family, as overall we're _way_ less involved in their lives.

 _Arthur practically worships the ground you walk on. Maybe that's why Molly has such a low opinion of you._

…Coincidence. Total coincidence. Also Molly doesn't have a 'low opinion' of me. She's just divided on what to think.

 _Is it really?_

…Yep. Totally.

 _If you won't I will._

…Oh fine. I got the Weasley parents Christmas presents, despite not really knowing them all that well.

Arthur was easy to shop for. I just bought him a grill set worth two thousand bucks (complete with a flowery 'kiss-the-cook' apron). Molly…marginally less so. She's such the perfect mother that anything I buy based on that personality trait would constitute a mockery or something.

In the end, we went the safe route and (through a fair amount of Gringott muggle/wizard money exchange) got her around 300 galleons worth of Diagon Alley vouchers, for clothes, school supplies, etc. Yeah, the money would be more flexible if it wasn't store credit, but "happy Christmas here's a pile of money" is a bit odd.

After we did it we realized how odd it must appear for a teenager to gift two grownups some pretty lavish gifts (and how much suspicion it would raise)…but the damage was done, so eh.

I'm sure Arthur's grilling up a storm and Molly's not happy about the fire hazard. Either way, Arthur really likes us for getting him the toys, and Molly is rightfully suspicious about where we got the money and why we would spend it on them.

To which we reply "Because I can" and then back away gracefully with finger guns.

 _Aka not gracefully at all._

Ultimately Harry told Molly what to believe and it all went well.

 _He just told her that Skeeter was lying._

Point is Hermione and Molly are on good terms because Harry spoke up, nevermind Hermy's own indignation.

…

[Us]

…

So Skeeter has also posted about us, and how we "cheated" our way through the trials by "Summoning an ancient dragon" and "using muggles to best better wizards."

Which was entirely true and therefore wasn't worth our attention.

 _Surprisingly the Prophet does have other reporters._

When we were reached for comment, our published response was pretty much "Well if it bothers you that much then make sure you can kick out competitors next time."

Like seriously what kind of competition has no disqualifying act?

 _Our statement made us few friends._

…

[Harry's Nightmare Thing]

…

So…yeah.

 _With the second task's problem (training on the boat) solved we went back to the Gryffindor tower to sleep._

The books more or less follow Harry's viewpoint, in which he wakes up after he has his midnight panic attack, and kind of plays off the reactions of his friends like "yeah, I'm fine, don't worry".

When you're on the outside looking in though? Hohoholy _shit_ Harry's night terrors are absurd.

His thrashing came very close to snapping his neck a few times.

 _We thus came very close to hitting him with Wind of Sleep just to get him to stop._

I don't have a solution for this problem and there is nothing I could suggest that would simultaneously make the problem better while avoiding suspicion, so I just recommended the hospital wing and let it go.

 _Later on Harry gets another terror attack (let's just call it that) during Divination and goes to Dumbledore to get his answers, which leads to him meeting with Fudge about Crouch._

…

[More Politics & Pensieve]

…

…why is this section here? We weren't there for any of this.

 _Harry meets the politicians and then takes a trip down Dumbledore's memory lane to learn about Crouch Junior's trial._

I bet we could make a sadistically large amount of money if we used a pensieve for adult purposes.

 _Sigh._

…right, we met the politician squad (Moody, Fudge, and Dumbledore) while they were touring the grounds.

Or, more accurately, while I was trying to outfit Daisy the T-rex with a large wind enchanted fixed wing.

 _A flying T-rex?_

Y'know, for research purposes.

"So this is the…other surprise contestant." Fudge says in a fairly…worried? Tone.

"Hello~" I wave from atop Knight Daisy. "How do you like this golem?"

"It is…something." Fudge says with a glance at Dumbledore that plainly says "is this kid sane?"

 _Dumbledore just chuckles._

"Hello, headmaster, Professor Moody." I make myself polite. "Lovely weather for a ride today."

"Shouldn't you be practicing for the third trial?" Moody growls.

"There's a time for rest and a time for work." I reply (faux) sagely. "Besides, my place's taken."

Which it is. The Durmstrang team booked the obstacle course for the entire day and Krum's putting in a lot of hours.

"I'm curious as to your opinion, Ash." Dumbledore says suddenly.

 _There's a sparkle in his eyes that suggest some greater plan._

I hop off my high dinosaur. "Shoot."

"Have you heard of Bertha Jorkins?" He asks conversationally. Fudge is not amused.

Also, who? "Can't say I have."

 _Cue Exposition._

Lady who died at the beginning of Goblet of Fire. Got it.

"What say you?" Dumbledore asks at the end. Crouch Senior said Bertha was dead, Fudge doesn't believe and thinks Madame Maxime the half-giant did it, Moody gives zero fucks…the usual.

 _Also, going by Dumbledore's tone he is being very carefree about all of this…but at the same time._

Yeah, he's using us to push an agenda.

Meh, I'll bite. "What was she sent to do that would cause Madame Maxime to kill her?" I play dumb.

Fudge actually looks surprised at that. "Nothing untoward, if that is what you're implying." He says indignantly.

Poke! "Really? So you think the silly French people just kill everybody they don't like?"

Fudge is _pissed_. Dude has a short fuse.

Poke again! "So are you investigating?"

 _Sulky silence._

"Are you communicating with the Albanian government?" By which we mean the magical one.

 _More sulky silence._

I frown. "Do you care that she died?"

"That's quite enough." Fudge snaps, obviously intent on leaving.

Except I am an American and thus have zero social grace! "You're going to at least make a public statement, right?"

"If she has indeed died, yes." Fudge snaps. "Albus, do all of your students talk like this?"

Dumbledore chuckles. "He is one of a kind. Do you have any advice for our dear Minister?" He then asks…I think he's laughing at Fudge. "He's never above listening to his constituents."

 _Fudge just rolls his eyes._

Prrreetty sure Dunny's trolling Fudge now, or at least has him on a short leash. "Uh…well, if someone is trying to hex you, it's a lot better to get out of the way first before pretending that the other guy doesn't exist."

"Well said." Dumbledore claps politely.

Moody nods (as a formality as I don't think he cares).

Fudge has no clue what the fuck. I think he ignores me.

Meh.

We go back to giving our T-rex airstrike capabilities.

 _And yet you wonder why nobody takes you seriously._

…

[Fred & George's Joke Shop]

…

So…lessee.

The two of them got a lot of Leprechaun gold from Bagman per their bet, the gold vanished, so now they're trying to get him to pay up.

Obviously as neither side has written records it's basically Bagman at fault because we're on the side of the twins.

 _Wait what_

That's how it works, right?

Anyhoo, they're in the market for an investment.

 _Incidentally, the reason why they listen to us (more) is that Molly inadvertently let it slip that we bought them some, as she put it, "very lavish" Christmas gifts, despite being what most people would consider a penniless orphan. She doesn't approve (since we could be spending the money better) but she will leverage it to get her sons to behave._

Also we have a flying van, a T-rex, a secret base, an absurd bank account, and a gunboat.

 _I think the gunboat might be the real reason._

I think so too.

Fred & George are still hell-bent on getting their money back (or at least somehow getting even).

For the sake of simplicity, we're just going to follow the canonical route of giving them the winnings if we end up getting them.

…It's nice to have so much money available that a prize of thousand galleons is beneath our notice.

…

[Third Task Leadup]

…

Uh…Rita knows Harry's scar hurts, the parents are allowed to show up for spectatorship, I'm an orphan, boo hoo hoo, etc etc etc.

Percy's in legal trouble because Crouch Senior something something. At this point I've spent so many hours in my prep work I've lost touch with the main narrative.

Next!

…

[Maze Leadup]

…

Owing in no small part to everyone working together for the water dungeon and the training grounds, it's fair to say that the contestants are comparably nicer with each other than they would be in canon.

Also.

"We all agree on this?" I ask in our pre-game huddle.

"Luminous Ray active at all times." Hermione nods. "And no in-fighting until we reach the cup."

 _Luminous Ray?_

A custom spell I designed (with Hermy's help to actually craft). It's basically a watered down Protean charm.

 _Protean charm being the magical equivalent to a wireless network._

In our case, the LRay spell has two components: a receiver, and a broadcaster. When the receiver is active, they can see all the broadcasters in a fifty meter distance.

Since we're basing it off of Protean, it's immune to magical jamming effects, and thus should work in the maze. I took the time to test it, but I'm sure the mock walls I built and enchanted are way worse than the maze walls.

Anyways, this spell's primary use is in the broadcasters. When cast, it lasts for an hour and is connected directly to the mental awareness of the caster. If someone with this spell is hit, the light (usually yellow) will turn red. In other words, when Crouch Junior starts hexing people, we (I) will know.

 _For safety's sake, I also let Dumbledore know we'll be doing this._

Dumbledore will also cast the "receiver" portion of the spell so he will be able to check on us if shit goes to pot.

Again, I feel like this is one of the precautions they should have taken already.

 _It's 1995. Wireless networking really isn't big yet._

I know, but walkie talkies are.

…Welp.

…

[Maze]

…

 _They line us up for eight entrances and let us go in one at a time._

We go last, 'cuz we have the worst score.

…

Also, holy shit.

Stepping into the maze and INSTANTLY everything goes silent.

Ok then.

 _We go about three corners before immediately stopping to take our shoes off._

Thank you baglets of holding!

 _We take out the small pieces and then quickly and expertly assemble the assault rifle._

I think I'm missing a piece or two, but it's nothing my wand can't make up for.

Anyhoo.

We are now live with our silenced AK-47, loaded with tracing stun rounds in an ammo-regenerating magazine.

 _This is why muggles shouldn't use magic._

Totally.

…

…

Do dee do.

Marching through the maze with my gun~

Mowing down everything I see~

Good thing I have this thing set to stun~

Or else Hagrid will beat the shit outta me~

 _We have, as of five minutes into the maze, "killed" a dozen creatures._

Oh look a Boggart.

 _It changes into the visage of Tom Riddle immediately._

Switch ammo type to live rounds.

 _We level our gun at Boggart Riddle, who has no idea what he's looking at. And then we drill it with bullets._

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU

AAAASSSHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE

…

Huh.

So Boggarts _can_ die. Or at least be so perforated that it can no longer move.

Well…uh…maybe switching to live ammo wasn't such a bright idea.

 _At least this one's leaving a body._

…Actually if you think about it it's very likely not even close to dead, so let's just move on before this gets any worse.

 _So how many rounds did we spend on it?_

The bottomless magazine refilled twice, so somewhere around 60 rounds.

 _Seems a touch excessive._

Worth it.

…

…

…

Ten minutes in, one of the blips suddenly go red.

While I can't speak for everyone else I'm instantly on full alert.

 _Before now, we were sauntering through the maze like we owned the place._

Now? Dampen footsteps, crouch, set alarms.

 _The alarms are just some basic electric-type spells that produce something like static electricity._

If there is someone behind us, we'll know.

…

Anyway, continuing through the maze…

Fifteen minutes in, we meet a Sphinx.

The Sphinx opened its mouth to speak a riddle.

We mowed it down with superior firepower (of the nonlethal kind) and kept going.

 _A perfect adage for how the world works._

Can't outsmart a boolet.

…

Sixteen minutes in, another blip goes red. Judging by their erratic movement, the red blips are actively hunting for new targets…while having very little spatial awareness.

Hmm…

Should we divert from our goal to get rid of Crouch?

…Nah, that gets Cedric killed. Getting to the cup is priority number one.

 _Really?_

Let's say for the sake of argument that we're still deeply rooted in canonical timeline. If Crouch isn't around to help Harry out, he would very likely be the last one to the Cup, if he gets there at all. Which means that one of the three—and we're saying Cedric just because he's the first name that came to mind—one of the three gets to the cup first, and gets transported, and gets killed.

Yes, Voldefuck doesn't revive for at least a while longer, but…

…oh…

…Well I missed that train by a few miles.

 _Um? Care to explain?_

I just had a thought. Voldemort basically never got rid of the eighth grader disease, so he wants everything about him to be cool.

Now, Tommy went and killed his parents (parent). They were then buried. Would someone like Voldemort, who really (and I mean _really_ ) plays up his special-ness, leave the graves of his hated parents for the world to see?

 _Ah._

Yeah…my plan for achieving maximum lethality hinged on having air support.

With the graveyard possibly under Fidelius enchantment, that may no longer be an option.

 _Keep in mind that the documentation on that spell is really wonky. Fourth wall breakage over._

So…I don't know how it's gonna work with a Portkey, but I'm going to assume if the key was enchanted to go to a location that the secret keeper knows about, it's going to get there no matter what.

 _Implying that Voldemort knows about the spell in the first place._

It's one of the "most ancient" magic available, what makes you think Voldemort wouldn't learn it just to show off? Also it's not "ew" like love.

 _What?_

I'm going to headcanon that Voldemort never bothered learning about love because he just finds it to be too squicky.

 _And it's not due to the love potion at all, right?_

I mean…I'm not a magical biologist, so I don't know what kind of information is transferred from a sperm to an egg, but I feel like the dad taking the potion would have a pretty limited effect on the fetus in the mom's body throughout the nine month gestation period.

 _This just in: love potions go directly from the mind to the dick._

I mean…if we were to think that Voldemort can never 'love' then it follows that he was basically irredeemable from the beginning, which means that killing him fast and hard would be a mercy.

 _That seems a little harsh on Harry._

Is it? Imagine if Voldemort went "yeah, ok, my bad" at the end of Deathly Hallows. What would it have changed?

 _Everyone stands and claps?_

Ha. Seriously though. What was he supposed to do, settle down peacefully? Turn himself in to the ministry he runs so they can send him to the prison guarded literally by his own soldiers?

 _Since Harry asked for him to be sorry, and if the thought of remorse could kill him…then basically Harry asked Voldemort to take the coward's way out at the end, no?_

…this is getting weird.

…also I think one of the dots is getting closer.

Ok, game time.

 _We move quickly to the next corner and take aim around._

…Sighted. Fleur's partner.

 _Bang bang bang._

She's down. Yay for stunners.

 _So about these stunners._

Literally packets of the stunner charm. Reduced effect compared to just casting the spell, but the method of delivery (gun) is faster and makes up for the difference.

 _Also you can shoot people in the head with next to no repercussions._

That too. Sorry nameless lady, I'll get you flowers or something.

 _Get well soon._

Moving on.

…

If one of the dots is Fleur's NPC, then the other should be Krum's NPC, no?

Speaking of which, the second red dot is about to meet two yellow dots.

…

 _The dots move erratically for a little bit._

Looks like a scuffle, though since we don't have visual contact there's no way to tell.

 _The red dot goes down._

Hmm…

 _The other two yellow dots then go red at almost the same time._

…Wow. I can't imagine two dots going down to one mind controlled drone like that…so Crouch is there?

I can't quite tell how close they are to me since the dots don't exactly obey depth rules.

Still, if I'm reading my genre right, that means Fleur and Krum just got double-KOed.

…Oooooh shit we're gonna bring Hermione into the graveyard aren't we

Like it's not even going to be a choice, it's just gonna happen.

 _So…_

Fuck it, caution to the wind, full speed ahead. Us getting to the cup first is the best possible outcome.

 _While still crouched slightly, we begin running while following a compass._

Point me!

This is a neato spell. I like it.

…

[Ten more minutes pass]

…

There it is!

The cup is standing unsullied in the middle of a conspicuously empty clearing…well, empty besides it and the pedestal it's sitting on.

Also the two red dots are very close to the center.

Does this feel like a trap? Because this totally feels like a trap.

…The three other lights are also moving closer, with one of them being quite a few steps in front. That's probably Cedric. The one furthest back is likely Hermione.

 _Oh really._

Nothing against her, she just refused to go through the obstacle course as often as we did.

Let's see here…

I could go first, or I could sit back and see exactly who we're dealing with.

Let's do the second thing, if only because I'm getting cold feet here.

…

 _We hold for five minutes and watch the other three blips make their way closer to the maze center._

After those five minutes, the two red dots make it to the center first.

…Per expectations, it's Fleur and Krum.

…It doesn't look like they see us.

 _Bang bang bang bang bang._

…And now they definitely can't see us.

 _Because they're stunned._

Don't explain the joke.

Hmm…I don't see Crouch or Moody!Crouch checking in on his plan, so…he tried it just as a stunt? Seems unlikely…

 _He still has that eye, no? Odds are we are being watched._

Yeah…hm? What happened at the tail end of Goblet of Fire?

Uh…lessee if I'm remembering this right…Harry came out of the maze, there is confusion…Moody drags him off, and the scene unravels. Moody claims to be responsible for ensuring Harry's success through the maze, and that's probably what's going on here too, so he's likely more focused on clearing Harry's path…

That said, I'm the variable here, and I'm pretty sure he has his eye out on me just in case.

…So…in canon, when did the goblet become a portkey?

 _That's never addressed._

So we should assume that it became a key after it was placed in the maze, whenever that may be…it also helps Moody's case that he's the DA teacher, so by that logic he likely had the final say in how the goblet should be enchanted…

…man, the Goblet's security is shit. Book 4 is pretty much "why we need better policing: the book".

…

 _After another two minutes, we see Harry, Hermione, and Cedric arrive at roughly the same time._

Cedric made it out ok, but Harry and Hermy were running away from something.

 _As they round the corner we see what they were running from._

…Oh ok it's a fucking ten-foot long spider with fangs bigger than their entire body.

I can fully understand their sentiment and wholeheartedly endorse their wait they're gonna run for the cup at this rate

 _We burst out from our hiding place and unload our gun into the spider's face._

Switch to live rounds and FOR MOTHER RUSSIA!

 _The three sane people in attendance had the sense to run for cover and then look on in surprise as we fired into the spider. They then continued to watch as we reloaded, fired more, reloaded more, fired more, and then reloaded again._

…I feel like killing this spider is possibly against the rules. Then again, the rules call for a giant likely highly carnivorous spider to be released near some teenagers, so fuck 'em.

 _Also, bottomless magazine reloading?_

I have two that I swap out. The gun fires faster than the recharge rate.

"Thanks for that." Harry sighs. He then notices the downed Fleur and Krum. "So they were attacked earlier?"

"I saw their markers go red." Hermione nods. "And after a while they stopped moving."

Well, the reason why's right here.

 _Fleur and Krum lying face down on the ground. Both got shot right in their face. Sung To the tune of the whole 'guy and girl sitting in the tree' song._

"Why did they go red?" Cedric muses. "Is someone interfering with the task?"

Yes. "Wouldn't surprise me." I shrug. "This whole thing is screwy. Anyways…" I sigh, then grin. "We're all here now. Fight to the death?"

 _To no surprise none of the three are too stoked on the idea._

Harry eyes the slightly smoking assault rifle in my hand. "I think I'll pass on that." He says cautiously. "We're all Hogwarts anyway, so let's all take the cup at once."

Figures. Not disappointed, mind you.

 _Canonically it took a giant fucking spider (or a live maze) to get Harry and Cedric to take the cup together._

Now it's the choice between "we all win together" or "Fight Ash the psychopath" and it's pretty obvious what the right move is.

 _We all walk up to the cup._

We step onto the ah shit

 _The stone base and pedestal, which the goblet is mounted on, glows slightly. One confusing whirlwind of color later, we're sent to the Graveyard with the inanimate Goblet and a broken pedestal, along with Ceds, Harry, and Hermy._

Suuuper ah shit.

.

.

.

{ === + === }

Author Notes:

The surprise twist – It was the construction workers all along!


	19. Goblet of Fire - Endgame

{ === + === }

Oof.

 _We're on the ground._

Alright, spot checks.

The four of us have been transported along with the goblet and the stone pedestal and about a four-square meter sized block underneath it. We're all sprawled on the ground because the trip was not exactly pleasant, and the stone block and pedestal have been shattered by the travelling experience.

Ok…weapons check.

Wand? Still strapped to arm, doesn't feel like it broke.

Gun…the gun's nowhere to be seen. Wait, no, there it is. It's about ten feet away from my right arm.

Body…pretty fine, if a little winded.

…Alright, anything else?

The sky's full of stars and there's not a cloud in sight, so visibility's about as good as we're going to get without resorting to using lights. Good for us since we can shoot, but also bad for us since we're likely not nearly as adapted to the darkness as Wormtail is.

…Ok, first-er-second order of business: Present ourselves as small of a target as possible.

 _As we spend the time assessing the situation, the other three have already begun to stand up. The previous tallying process took about six seconds._

"Freeze." I hiss, and the three of them freezes. "Down on the ground, no loud noises."

 _Harry and Cedric follow the order without question. Hermione hesitates._

"What's going on?" Cedric hisses back as I flip onto my stomach. "Isn't this just another part of the triwizard?"

You'd think so, but first and foremost. "Hermione, _on the ground_." I demand.

 _She does as she's told, but she's still confused as all hell._

"Ash, what's going on?" Harry repeats Cedric's question in a low hiss.

"No idea." I crawl forward to get my gun. "But even if this is a part of the tournament, remember that our first task literally involved dragons."

The three of them stop to ponder that, yes, their deaths was actually very possible at that point. They get a little more focused.

Ok, now that that's settled…we need cover. "Over there." I hiss and gesture with the AK towards a set of fairly sizable gravestones. "Keep low and move."

 _We rise into a crouching position and hurriedly move to the gravestones._

"Watch out for anything that moves." I order as soon as we set up behind the statues. "Hermy, watch our backs. Harry, the left, Ceds, the right." Deep breathes. "Also, Ceds? If you have a spell that works in low light, now would be the time."

"I don't think I know something like that." Cedric mutters. "But we've got good eyes." Yay for Seekers.

"Ash, what's happening right now?" Hermione finally speaks up. She's currently leaning against a gravestone and is looking behind us (per our orders, kinda, sorta) but it's obvious that the sudden change in scenery is doing a number on her morale. Case in point: she's slightly hyperventilating.

"I don't know." I repeat in as soothing a voice as I can do while whispering. "But I do know we're not going to take whatever's happening lying down. Deep breaths, Hermy."

Hermione takes three shaky, quivering deep breaths.

 _She seems to get a measure of her analytical calmness back._

Harry and Cedric went through the obstacle course a lot, so they're a lot more ready for this. Also they get homing flying balls sent their way on a worryingly often basis, so that helps with their stress management skills.

 _We sit in silence and watch for a full minute and pick up nothing._

"Maybe we're overreacting." Harry mutters, getting comfortable.

I can't have him too comfortable. "Maybe, but until we see Dumbledore everything is fair game."

 _Why Dumbledore specifically?_

Fastest way to get my point across.

"I see someone." Cedric suddenly says. "My left, your right, Ash."

His left…so it's in the middle. "Heads down, wands out, stay hidden." I hiss and ready the AK.

 _The three of them retreat slightly so they're more covered._

Let's see…I see a small figure, holding onto something.

Bets?

 _None._

Pah. Hmm…Voldemort can read minds, no?

Welp. "Alright, here's the plan."

…

[3rd Person Camera]

…

Pettigrew walks up to the broken stone pedestal with worry. He had (rightfully so) taken a careful approach towards his would-be targets as a precautionary measure against that maniacal 'Ash' kid, and now there was not a person to be found anywhere.

"T-they're definitely hiding somewhere." He mutters, both to himself and to the little wrapped bundle of evil being held in his arms. "H-Harry Potter is much too curious to simply run."

"Be alert, Wormtail." The bundle rasps. "There is one with an immense lust for violence beyond those gravestones." A small disturbance in the bundle points Peter to a set of gravestones some distance before him. He couldn't see exactly what the bundle was talking about, but for a brief moment he thought he saw something glint against the moonlight.

Peter raises his wand towards the gravestones quick as a flash.

No response.

Peter then fires a blasting hex at one of the gravestones.

…

[1st Person Camera]

…

 _He's shooting at us he's shooting at us!_

Fuck fuck fuck fuck "NOW!"

The three of them all point their wand at (Probably) Pettigrew and go " _Lumos Maxima!"_ While we forcefully shut our eyes.

 _Pettigrew's blasting hex hits the graves we're hiding behind and shatters it, scattering us with debris while the other party members summon the sun._

Oh god this is bright. Even through our eyelids we can see the light.

 _We can also hear Peter screaming his heart out as his eyes get likely burned from their sockets._

A price I'm willing to pay.

…Alright.

 _The instant the light dims, we open our eyes, get a little disoriented, and home in on Peter._

The little douche dropped his baby. Arm gun.

 _We arm our trusty AK and aim it at him, the pained little man whose hands are busily scrabbling over his own face._

Sighted. "Run from this, you little shit."

 _We depress the trigger._

Three rounds rapid, three times fast, switch clip when empty, repeat until done.

…

 _While we're doing this, the three kids have taken cover and have taken to squeezing shut their eyes and covering their ears against the noise._

…

Whew.

Pettigrew's down.

 _We put about ninety rounds downrange with at least half being hits._

Ok…now what?

Um…

I need to stop the resurrection if possible, and I think I just did that. I also need to get all of these guys home safe, so I need to do that.

I…I should go check the body. First things first…yeah.

"Stay put, watch my back." I mutter, and gingerly hop over what's left of my cover.

The kids are too stunned at how we, y'know, just killed a man, so they stay put like we ask.

…Can't blame them. Watching Peter spaz around as we shoot him was disturbing.

 _Didn't seem to stop you from doing it._

He was resisting. Let's see here…

 _We carefully approach the inert Pettigrew with our gun still aimed at him._

Peter's lying facing the sky…judging by the dark streaks running down his body and the holes in his clothing I think he's dead.

 _At point blank range we put another bullet in his head._

Just to be sure.

…the bundle that fell in front of him is stirring.

 _We take aim at it and fire without a second thought._

I feel like I'm shooting a baby…which I am, I guess.

"Was that necessary?" Hermione asks shakily. "Did you really need to…shoot him?"

"Yes." My voice is shaky and cracked because god damn I just committed two murders. "Yes, it was." I gulp. "The sooner Pettigrew gets taken out of the picture, the better." I say firmly.

 _To convince ourselves, mostly._

"Pettigrew?" Cedric sounds like he doesn't quite know what's going on. "You…just did that…to somebody you know?" Also yeah firearms might be a little hard to come by in Britain.

"I shot two people." I correct him firmly, and to reassure myself that I am in fact doing the right thing. "I have just shot and killed Peter Pettigrew, and Voldemort."

Cue gasps from the peanut gallery (except Harry).

"So that little bundle is Voldemort." Harry muses. "Why am I not surprised?"

Hermione frowns. "This seems…wrong." She says slowly.

"You're right. It is wrong." I agree. "Which is why it's better that we do it than to have it done to us."

 _Is she convinced?_

Not even close.

…

So what do I do now? I've just killed Pettigrew and babymort, and the other three are in agreement that we have done what we think we did.

 _What?_

Unless Pettigrew pulled a fast one on us, I'm reasonably certain that the corpse lying here is the small man it appears to be, rather than some poor sap enchanted to look like him.

…Well, we can always drag it home to check, so let's do that.

 _We grab onto Peter's corpse with our free hand._

Plus, we can use this as evidence to get Sirius cleared.

"What are you doing?" Cedric asks nervously.

"Taking this home for confirmation." Is my answer. "I'm fairly certain I've killed the Death Eater known as Peter Pettigrew, but until I get it checked by someone who knows more than me I won't take my chances."

"So…how do you think we'll get back to Hogwarts?" Hermione asks, clearly interested in steering this conversation away from the bleeding corpse. The bleeding's stopping though, so that's good.

But um…yeah. like Hermy said, how do we get home?

 _We all stare at the Triwizard cup and the destroyed stone pedestal/ex-portkey._

…Well, the Triwizard cup is supposed to teleport you back, right? If memory serves, the cup itself is a portkey to the outside of the arena, rather than…what, a double portkey?

So we can leave if we touch it, I think.

 _But if we do it, there's a chance that we will never see Tom come back to life._

There are…other, ways to check, and to be honest I'm not a big fan of Tom anyway. "Ok, everybody link arms."

 _Though confused, the kids do as they are told._

Nice. "Ok, Harry, summon the cup to you."

He, with great confusion (especially at the part where we have our grubby mitts on a dead body), summons the cup.

YANK

 _We get yanked by the cup back to the School grounds._

Oh thank god I wasn't sure what the hell I was gonna do if it didn't work.

 _We were gone for a grand total of maybe five minutes._

The crowds around us cheer wildly upon seeing the four finishers, and then it dies off because bleeding dead body.

We kind of sit around, dazed, until someone with power shows up.

It's Moody.

Well.

"I believe you lot have some explaining to do here." Moody growls and reaches for Harry. "Come on."

 _Unknown to the active mind (since Moody wasn't facing him), Moody's magical eye is unwaveringly fixed on us._

Yeah no, you're not doing that.

 _We stand and arm our gun._

In a fucking flash Moody shoots the gun from our hand with what I think is a disarming charm.

 _Cue gasps from the crowd._

Well fuck you too.

 _Almost by reflex we hit him with the sucker punch. Our blow to his wrist blows the wand clean away and into the fast approaching form of Flitwick, though we don't see it._

I'm getting _scary_ good at that…and this too. Finger snap!

 _With a snap of our fingers the AK returns to our hands via summoning charm._

I level the gun at the now disarmed Moody again. "Stand your ground, Professor." I warn him.

 _The crowd is now silent._

In retrospect that warning was poorly worded.

"What is going on here?!" McGonagall demands as soon as she's within ten steps of kicking my ass.

"Professor Moody has tried to remove Harry Potter from my line of sight through the use of force." I reply matter-of-factly…except adrenaline's making my voice shake. "That can mean nothing good." Also I'm legit scared of McGonagall beating my ass, so that's also a factor.

"Th-he's a professor, Ash!" McGonagall snaps. "Explain yourself this instant!"

Good. "The pedestal holding the Triwizard Cup was rigged as a portkey. Upon touch, it transported us to an unknown graveyard, where I engaged and dispatched a hostile threat before taking the cup itself back." I say as professionally as I can manage. "The downed bandit is over there." I jerk my head to the dead Pettigrew without moving my aim.

"D-you killed a person?!" McGonagall is…either livid, or terrified, or both.

Dumbledore quickly moves over to the dead person, watches it, and then stops short. "Well…I suppose this raises more questions." He says conversationally. "Minerva, do you recognize this man?"

McGonagall, now extremely confused, moves over to see the dead person. She then clutches her heart and gasps, so I assume its good news. "It's Peter!" She breathes. "Pettigrew! But he's dead!"

Erm…well…yes. "I shot him, so I would imagine he's dead, yeah." I say because ADRENALINE YEEAH _please don't beat my ass_

"I believe a proper explanation will be needed." Dumbledore takes command. "Harry, lead your friends to my office. Do you have any requests for witnesses, Ash?"

…the way he said that second part makes me think he knows I'm up to something. "If possible, all Professors and the Headmasters of other schools. If not, at least Professor Snape."

"Why don't you just call the Minister of Magic while you're at it?" McGonagall sighs.

Huh. "That's actually not a bad idea." I nod.

 _McGonagall makes a 'why me' gesture._

We're hurriedly escorted off the grounds while the crowd is in utter confusion at the bullet-ridden corpse. Since it's not Cedric, there isn't nearly as much panic…just curiosity.

 _Point to note: Dumbledore is walking with Moody, and has his wand aimed at Moody's side._

…

Harry leads us to Dunny's office. Dumbledore himself has to get the people I asked for, and I'm slightly regretting asking for so many people.

"We are in so much trouble." Hermione buries her face into her hands. "Ash, why do you do things like this?"

"We'll be fine." I reassure her with entirely way too much levity. "Well, we won't be fine in a while, but we'll be fine."

"You're not exactly filling me with confidence." Cedric chuckles nervously. "Are they going to expel us?"

Hmm. "If they do it'll probably just be me." I mean… "I'm the only one who did anything, after all."

 _The kids talk among themselves for a while longer._

I'm ostracizing myself…though perhaps for good reasons.

…

The teachers arrive along with Fudge and some dude I don't recognize…and Pettigrew's corpse, wrapped in cloth and likely magically treated.

I can see that Snape's unconsciously touching his arm, being in the back of the pack and all.

 _Snape stops almost instantly after we had that thought._

"Who is that?" Harry asks instantly of the stranger.

"Barty Crouch Junior." Dumbledore replies conversationally. He has Crouch Jr bound by iron chains and Fawkes. The Phoenix is perched on Junior's head. "Apparently he was posing as Professor Mad-Eye."

The way that Dumbledore delivered the news kind of took the wind out of that reveal. I can see that the other teachers are still reeling from this new information.

Still, I really shouldn't know who he is. "I think I would be more surprised if I knew who he was." I say, speaking for everyone but Harry (he at least looked surprised). "Is this everyone?"

"Yes, it would seem so." Fudge says in obvious irritation. "Get on with it."

The reveal of Crouch Jr is probably not…oh, right. Fudge's too worried about his public image, so having everyone see Crouch Junior out in the open instead of sitting in Azkaban is likely shattering his reputation to ribbons.

 _We quickly explain what we saw and what we did at the Graveyard._

The important part, Voldemort's resurrection, was never mentioned, because we prevented it from happening…however… "Professor Snape, if you could show us your Mark."

Snape scowls at us.

"Professor Snape is no longer a Death Eater, Ash." Dumbledore reminds me gently, but sternly.

"I know." I nod. "But that mark doesn't go away, and it's very useful right now."

Snape sneers. "You're far too troublesome for your own good." He rolls back his sleeve.

The Dark Mark, with the snake in the skull, is black as all hell.

"Well, shit." I say…because while I did expect it, a part of me really hoped that hosing down Pettigrew would have put the kibosh on that plotline for a few decades. "I think the shine of the mark is a good indicator that our dear friend Voldefuck has returned."

Still, what kind of power was being used to resurrect them...FUCK!

"GOD DAMMIT the babymort." I barely manage to turn it into a lower growl.

"Language, young man." Flitwick chides…with a bit of a titter.

 _Snape rolls down his sleeve again and Veritaserums Barty Junior, so we get the exposition that he was supposed to ensure that Harry made it to the Graveyard ok._

"I regret not disposing of the little package." I snarl. "Oversight of oversights on that one." I really should have taken babymort with me. Shit.

How did I miss that? How could I _possibly_ have managed to miss that? Ugh.

Anyways, Junior doesn't know how the resurrection would have occurred if Harry returned before the mark started to burn.

I have some ideas. Fucking loose ends, no?

Anyway, Dumbledore tells everyone to prepare for Voldemort's return, and understandably Fudge is livid at the entire idea.

"I refuse to believe this." Fudge says. To be honest, this is one of the reasons why the baby slipped my mind, the other being 'let's use the dead Pettigrew to get Sirius a pardon.'"

 _By this point, the rest of the teacher has been excused per Dumbledore's orders, mostly to ensure that the student body avoids spreading rumors after seeing the corpse._

So the room is just Dunny, Fudge, and four kids…and a dead Peter.

"We know what we saw." Cedric insists, despite not really seeing anything.

"Lies." Fudge says quickly. "All lies."

Dunny gives me a twinkling glance…well sure pass the fucking buck to me why don't you

"Prime Minister Fudge." I say formally.

Fucking hell that actually caught his attention. Oh well, makes the next part easier. "The reality of the matter is that Voldemort has returned, and that is a fact that should not be ignored." I continue to be formal and pomp and high-class.

 _He starts shaking his head._

Let's get our point across before he stops listening again. "That said, it's not like we can't spin this whole thing in our favor. There's an opportunity here for greatness, Minister."

 _He stops shaking his head._

Muggle news, bitches! "While it's within the Ministry's best interest to prepare for an eventual battle with Voldemort, it is comparatively less urgent that we reveal all of the information on hand."

 _Soft gasp from behind us. Hermy does not approve. Likely Harry does not approve. Cedric gives a soft "what?!" so he probably doesn't approve._

Fudge is listening, but is pretending not to.

Either way. "I assume you're familiar with the muggle concept of 'spin', yes?" No answer, so…no? "Ok then, here's what you do. Reveal the existence of this dead Peter Pettigrew, and lay the blame entirely on him."

"That's not fair!" Hermy blurts out.

Ignore her. "He has a Dark Mark too." I point to the mark on Peter's arm. "So this will be exceedingly convenient."

"Then what?" Fudge says sulkily…but his body language is far from antagonistic.

"Then, claim that some Death Eater remnants are in the business of attempting to build a fake leader…a fake you-know-who, as it were."

"He's not a fake though." Harry mutters.

Ignore him. "After that, declare to the world your ministry's whole-hearted efforts to stamp out the remnants of this shady business, and call for unity among the magical population…and start researching ways to counteract an Imperius curse."

"And you think this will work." Fudge is coming around to the idea, because he (probably) can't see an immediate way for this to backfire.

"Our goal is to stomp Voldemort from existence." I remind him (with tons of butter). "You are too important to the cause for us to allow your removal on the grounds of idle chatter." And now I remember that there are magical paintings listening in on our conversation. "Only those within this room understand that Voldemort's return is real, and honestly there will be other people for whom this is real as well. However, as an official statement, you should treat this as A Threat from the unsavory elements from society rather than The Greatest Threat…no point creating panic."

"But…what about the Malfoys?" He says in a surprisingly caring tone. So…they're a part of his financial backing?

Hmm.

Ok. "If the question comes up, just say that unless there is solid evidence, Lucius Malfoy should be considered an upstanding member of society." I shrug…because let's face it, it's pretty much true. The man's a bit of a dumbass but he does put his family first. "Again, call for solidarity, call for unity. If the Malfoys show signs of falling back in line with Voldemort, then change your story and say they're under investigation. Money can be earned in many ways, but reputation is difficult to fix once compromised. Knowing when to use men like Lucius and when to abandon them is an integral part of good leadership." If I bullshit any harder I think I'll turn into a literal bull.

Though we're having the desired effect, since Fudge seems to be calming down.

Time to land the finishing blow. "Sir, we're not here to attack the ministry or to attack you. Like you, all we want is for everything to go nicely, and Voldemort's in the way of that. If you play your cards right, you can be the man who permanently ended the greatest threat to the wizarding world." Sorry Harry. "You just have to be smart about what to reveal and when to reveal it."

 _Pointed silence._

"Ye…yes. You're right." Fudge nods quickly. "I am the Minister of Magic, I have an obligation to attend to this problem as befitting my station." He says…trying to convince himself. "Albus, you have a very talented child here." He adds after his hat (the bowler hat, right?) gets spun in his hands for like twenty times..

I remember being called a weirdo not that long ago.

"He's quite special." Dumbledore laughs…though I think this is the first time I've seen him fake his laugh. "But I do agree with him in spirit. What we need most is trust, and you can certainly give that impression to the people."

The stealth insult soars high over Fudge's head, never to be seen again. "Right. Well, I have my obligations, so I will be going." He says formally and moves towards the door.

Before I forget. "Ah, one last thing."

 _Fudge stops in his tracks immediately._

"Upon revealing the existence of Pettigrew, you will be asked about Sirius Black." I say. "Call it an act of misplaced justice based on grief and hand him a pardon. It is the fastest way to mitigate future problems."

"I will do that." Fudge says confidently, and strides out the door.

 _Upon his leaving, we shake our head._

…he's an impressively simple man. I guess I really shouldn't judge, but he's incredibly easy to read for a career politician.

…The kids aren't too happy with this outcome, I see? I can see Harry and Cedric glaring at me.

 _Dumbledore ushers the kids out of the room with the help of a returning McGonagall._

"Ash." Dunny says to me when we're alone. "Did you mean what you said to Cornelius?"

"In a way." I nod. "I don't like having to deceive, but we have bigger fish to fry than political squabbling. The sooner we can get Fudge to act like the leader of the community he is, the better."

Dumbledore sounds quite amused. "You seem to have a rather low opinion of him." Though I get the feeling he's playing a part.

"I…" Well, I've already played my hand, so no point pretending to be some enthusiastic teen. "I can understand Fudge's character, in that he's very concerned about maintaining a status quo for arguably the right reasons…but if we don't nudge him then he's leaving way too much to chance."

"Therefore you gave him such pointed advice."

Hmm. "I'm ok with him taking the credit if it means we're more prepared in the end, if that's what you're implying." I can't tell if that's what he's implying.

"I see." Dumbledore has a benign…if somewhat strange, smile on his face. "You're rather like me in my youth. Very assured of his own convictions."

"Thank you?" I frown. "I like to believe I'm doing what I can for everyone, though."

 _With that, Dumbledore dismisses us._

 _As we, per his instructions, head back to the Gryffindor Common room, we go halfway before_

Ah shit I fucked up.

 _That. What's the fuck up?_

I didn't act confused enough at Dumbledore's last remark.

 _Ooo…kay?_

As a man who can read body language, I'm pretty damn sure Dumbledore now knows we have some information on his past. As in, the past that's not exactly accepted public knowledge.

Oopsy fucking daisies. Ugh.

…well, what's done is done. Let's wrap up.

Year five's gonna be interesting.

…

[Wrap Up]

[Barty Crouch Junior]

So he's the one behind the mark at the World Cup, fanatical loyalist and a bit of an asshole, yadda yadda…nothing too out of the ordinary here. The most important note is that his description of his missions leaves the identity of his taskmaster very ambiguous. Considering the current situation this is not really relevant, but it is worth thinking about.

He's going to get Dementored to death. I would rather not push my luck with trying to circumvent that in any way, so…yeah. He dead.

…

[Fudge]

I like to think I had some kind of effect on him, since he seems to be taking the returned Voldemort issue seriously. That said, while I may have made my point with as much maturity and I could muster, the fact remains that I have an actual reputation of being batshit insane, rather than canonical Harry's faked one.

Hopefully this goes well?

…

[Bagman]

Bagman bet that Harry would win. What an idiot.

He also never fell for the Nigerian prince scam, which was kind of sad.

Either way, the dude owes people money and is on the run. No big news there.

…

[Rita]

She was caught by Hermy some time after our meeting with Dumbledore in her bug form. Now she's chilling a jar or something.

I'm not entirely sure why she can't just transform back? I feel like the explosive force of her being would probably render the jar useless…unless that's a part already covered by the book that I've forgotten.

 _And we're not asking because…_

I don't want to give Skeeter ideas. Either way, if she transforms back she'll either break free or we'll have the most macabre jar on our hands.

…Also wouldn't the ministry just overlook Rita's whole animagus shtick anyway? Since they control the press in the first place and she's not all that good at this whole objective journalism thing.

Hmm. Regardless, Rita's promised to not do stupid things to Hermy. It reeks of condescending bullshit to me, but I'll make an effort to believe that Skeeter has morals.

…

[Voldemort]

We don't really know anything at this point, and frankly it's far too early to tell what kind of fallout we're going to be dealing with.

I'm pretty sure ghostmort somehow resurrected the main body, but I can't extrapolate any more than that, and I'm not stupid enough to believe that I'll be able to find out without turning it into a major battle.

So this info will have to wait.

…

[Sirius Black]

He gets a pardon. Fudge faltered a bit when he realized that he himself would be implicated in the false trial, but he was at least mentally adroit enough to spin it as "we were all kinda fucked in the head" rather than a gross mistrial.

He then took a sideswipe at Dumbledore ("if he cared about the freedom of an innocent man then he should have stepped in"), which is a touch hypocritical…but then again Fudge wasn't on the good guy's side at the time, so eh.

Having Pettigrew's body really helped.

…Though all of this just makes me wonder about how much faith the English Wizarding Community has in their judiciary body in the first place. You'd think that the existence of the Imperius Curse and no real way to block it would already shatter the faith in the ministry to tatters, but hey, not my problem.

…

[Us]

So…we saved Cedric, spent literally the least amount of time we could in the graveyard, cleared Sirius's name, and murdered Pettigrew in cold blood.

Job well done.

 _We are now ostracized by basically the entire school._

I don't blame them. There was a fair amount of time to think about what happened between the end of the Triwizard and going home, and Cedric, Harry, and Hermy were all being pelted with questions about what happened, so on, so forth.

 _We retired to our base to avoid these kinds of questions._

Eventually a lot of them pieced together a pretty worrying narrative. In a nutshell, a fifteen year old who formulated a pretty effective kill plan while supposedly dazed and confused…is likely not who or what he says he is.

More importantly, that person is likely very dangerous if he had no problems with actually killing someone, rather than going with the more realistic (contextually speaking) method of stunning.

To put it plainly, I'm pretty sure I'm now being shunned.

…ok, the self-imposed exile probably isn't helping, but I think I can read glances well enough to know that people have realized that the psychopathic loose cannon's shenanigans aren't just fun shenanigans.

…

[Harry Potter]

Harry came out pretty well. There's a threat out there and he's at least physically prepared for it. Since we all technically won at the same time, the winnings were split four-ways (we gave him our share for the next part) and he gave what he got to Fred and George as an investment fund.

And since Sirius Black is now officially a free man, Harry was allowed to stay with him. The fact that I helped clean Sirius up so he looks like a godfather instead of a drunken uncle probably helped with that image.

Either way, we're done with book four!

 _Just like that?_

To be honest a lot of things that's going to happen is very much 'fallout of what we did', and that's not something we'll be able to discern in just a few days.

So yeah, show's over, school's out.

.

.

.

{ === + === }

Author Notes:

After many iterations, every type of "and Ash had a tussle with Voldemort in the graveyard" never felt right, because it required Ash to have never read the book, which…y'know, is stupid within the context of this story.

Hence, muggle solution to a magical problem.


	20. What If - Order of the Phoenix

Assuming Book Five Canon just with Ash slapped in.

{ === + === }

[What if?]

Harry comes in, wild-eyed.

 _We're sleeping in our bed, it's near the end of the term._

"We have a problem." He says seriously.

"What's the problem?" I ask tiredly.

"Voldemort has Sirius." Harry sound very worried and wild about this. "He has Sirius in the Department of Mysteries. We need to go there, _right now._ "

Ron begins to say "Harry, calm down-"

"—no, Sirius is being tortured _right now_ and we can't just sit around here!"

I just got settled into my bed, dammit. "Harry, I want you to do an exercise for me." I yawn. "If you don't, I will hex you the instant you set foot outside this room."

Harry, realizing that I have a tendency to make good on my threats, glare at me.

"Ash I swear to god." He growls.

"Ron?" I point my wand at Harry.

"Aiight." Ron does the same. Upon seeing Harry's betrayed look, he shrugs. "Sorry, mate, but you do need to calm down."

"Fine." Harry kicks the wall. "What do you want, you crazy bastard?"

Hey, he's learning. "Do that exercise again."

Harry rolls his eyes. "'Do that exercise again', he says. Like he knows what's actually at stake here." He mocks me.

"Do the exercise again or I'll hex you." I say lightly.

Harry does the exercise, but with much cursing and anger.

 _What's the exercise we're talking about?_

Just that Harry should take all of his stuff out of his chest and put it back in. We say it's good for keeping a calm head, but really we just want him to NOTICE THE DAMN MIRROR.

 _Harry, after taking everything out, finally notices the mirror on the bottom._

He freezes, then grabs the mirror and begins to talk into it.

It's very strange to see someone literally talk into a hand mirror _and_ expect it to talk back.

Either way, Harry, after conferring with Sirius, is now reassured that the dude is not actually in trouble.

Crisis averted!

 _Note how we didn't result in Voldemort being exposed to the public and thus jumpstart the Ministry's hurried defensive effort, which is arguably the main point of the book._

CRISIS AVERTED!

…

[Alternative What-If?]

…

 _We're sitting in the tower. It's the beginning of our term._

"Harry, call your godfather."

"What?" Harry, who has never had a phone, is confused.

"Use that thing he gave you, and talk to him. Call him."

"I'm not gonna do that." Harry says defensively.

Guilt trip time! "Your godfather is sitting in that house with no one to talk to and all he can do is worry about you. _Call him._ "

Harry stops a little short at that. I don't think he's ever thought beyond 'I shouldn't get Sirius into trouble.'

"Dude, if you don't call him I will. Give that thing here." I hold my hand out for the mirror.

"Ok, ok." Harry says in some confusion. "I will. Jeez." He digs through his stuff and pulls out a mirror. "Sirius Black." He says in a low murmur.

Sirius's face pops up on the other end and breaks into a wide smile.

I don't think I've ever considered just how…I dunno. For the entirety of the term, how many hours did Sirius spend, just clutching the mirror and waiting for his godson to call?

Either way, Harry called now. They talk about inane, everyday things, and Harry's quite a bit happier for it.

"Good." I nod. "Now for the rest of the term, call him every Sunday at the very least."

Crisis averted!

 _Note how we're not solving the main problem._

CRISIS AVERTED!

.

.

.

{ === + === }

Author Notes:

Two ways to solve a minor problem in just over 600 words.


	21. Order of the Phoenix - Prep

Author Foreword:

I don't know if I mentioned this (I probably did at some point) but Book 5 is the point where I actually started buying Harry Potter books. I read books 1-4 in one sitting after borrowing them from a library on a lark.

 _I just sat between the shelves and read, and when I looked up it was three hours later._

Which means I actually have a reference for book five!

 _Which you will never check._

Shush. It's in the basement somewhere.

{ === + === }

So.

[Harry's Summer]

Since the Dursleys are long dead, Harry spends the beginning of his summer at Grimmauld Place, and gets to learn about the Order of the Phoenix along with the Weasleys at roughly the same time.

Per the story, Fred and George are not happy at being cut out despite being of age.

And here I feel compelled to note: we are not a member of the Order either.

"He would not be allowed in either." Lupin had said when Fred and George tried to name-drop us as a way of entry.

"Though if he's of age then I don't mind at all." Sirius had…uh, undermined Lupin's case. "Kid's crazy good in a scrap." He was very proud of that, and it showed on his face.

Lupin then tried to stare-shame Sirius to death with little effect.

Either way, the problem at the moment is that, unlike canon where Voldemort was a known (if hard to find) entity who was known to be building an army, here Voldemort is an unknown entity who doesn't seem to be doing…anything.

Or, more accurately, his isn't establishing his old contacts and building up his old army.

Or…uh, he isn't doing it in a way that the Order knows of. They have tabs on the members of Death Eaters, but so far their behavior hasn't been all that different apart from being more excited.

…in retrospect that's not all that different from "Voldemort's keeping a low profile and is building an army", but eh.

Sirius does namedrop the idea that Voldemort can possibly be looking for some edge he didn't have last time, but since he's even more vague than the canonical idea of a weapon or whatever, none of us really have anything to go on.

…

Anyhoo, much of the characterization of the Most and Noble House of Black has been largely circumvented, because although the place is a bit decrepit and poorly maintained, the electric lighting and new coat of paint we installed means it's a rather bright and cheery place. In his spare time, Sirius had bewitched the muggle lighting to have a slightly sparkly effect, so everything's a lot brighter than the bulb wattage implies.

The fishbowled portrait of the I Don't Remember Her Name But She Yells A Lot is also quite quaint to a lot of people.

Either way, Arthur's having a fucking field day™ examining the poorly laid down electrical wires while the rest of the kids go about helping Molly clean the place up.

 _Are we not doing that as well? Given how we're still a kid._

She never really trusted us from the beginning, and now that we're a known murderer she actively tries to stop her kids from staying in the same room as us…not that they have to try too hard. Of all the Weasley kids who are not Bill and Charlie (since they're not here) Percy's the only one we get along with, and even then the relationship is very polite.

Percy gets along with us because he agrees that we did what we had to do. He doesn't get along with us because we have blood on our hands. It's kind of a mixed bag really.

The rest of the kids (Harry included) try to act normal, but uh…yeah. Bad rep and all that.

Further differences…lessee…Percy's relationship with the family is a lot warmer, since the relationship between Dumbledore and the Ministry is a lot less strained…Harry isn't a political liability, so he's not being sued, hence there's no bad blood between Fudge and Dunny.

…well, ok, there is, but only on the basis that Fudge needed to be bribed to do the right thing. The good guys have lost quite a bit of respect for him…which is also why Percy's on better terms with the family, since he has a better opinion of us than Fudge.

 _Cornelius Fudge: Only a little worse than a child soldier._

I know, right? Percy still wants to get a government job, he just doesn't like Fudge.

Either way…in a bid to get Harry out of the house for a bit—and to ensure that Sirius Black receives his official pardon—the group makes their visit to the Ministry of Magic.

 _Molly tried her best to fight us tooth and nail so we didn't have to go._

I went so I can scope the place out for the probable later battle…but the most of the fighting's going to be in the department of mysteries, so it's probably not as useful as I imagined.

Oh well, whatever.

During the trip, we met Kingsley Shacklebolt. Since he was both in charge of the hunt for Sirius and was a Good Guy Ally, the two got along pretty well.

Also I can't help but keep imagining Kingsley as Mace "Samuel 'Mutherfucking' Jackson" Windu, which was neat.

Apart from that, Sirius striding into the ministry like he owned the damn place surprised a lot of people, but he was a free man, and I made damn sure he showed up in a suit and tie (and shaved), so it wasn't like they could point to Magical Tony Stark and call him a bum.

 _They just call him a muggle instead._

Also why am I his mother?

Either way, getting the official pardon was an important but otherwise rather minimal affair, with Fudge presenting a letter to him in a fairly important government office (which Sirius accepted with great pains to not snark) and then we were out of th

OH WAIT NO It's Lucius.

"Well, well, well." He says with an evil smirk. "If it isn't the ex-convict."

"That's the Black ex-convict to you, Malfoy." Sirius says with a good smirk.

"Of course…how rude of me." Malfoy evil-snides. "And I assume that you are responsible for clearing his name?" He turns on Harry. "The Great Harry Potter…solving the problems of the state one at a time. Truly, you live up to your reputation."

"Hey, asshat, the honor goes to me." I jump in since Harry doesn't seem to be willing to do anything beyond glare.

"Ah…that's right. The boy who witnessed the revival." Lucius turns on us with yet more evil-sniding. "I'm sure you're rather proud of your accomplishments."

"I'm proud of a lot of things, but correcting a flaw of the court isn't one of them." I will admit to having kinda-sorta prepared this speech. "I hope that, in the future, the Wizarding Courtrooms so proud of their purity will put an effort into the upholding of the law per the expectations of their station."

In retrospect calling him an asshat probably didn't do my eloquence justice.

"How well-worded." Lucius says in his same evil-snidy voice. "The wizarding world has much to look forward to if children such as you are part of the next generation."

 _With that, he gives Sirius the barest of bows and leaves._

Hmm.

Ok, so let's take a step back here.

The fuck did he mean by that?

 _What, him calling you a good boy?_

Well…its less 'what he said' and more 'how he said it.' Snide aside, Lucius was actually quite friendly, and that's setting off bells in my head. Not saying that Lucius was friendly or anything—his body language was quite far from it—but he did take the pains to not only greet us, but also to do so in a fashion that wasn't immediately hostile.

…Or maybe I'm just being jumpy?

Probably just being jumpy.

 _So we're gonna fight Lucius come next June, right?_

Mooost likely.

…

With our job done at the Ministry, we go home.

…

[Other Things That Happened During Summer]

…

So for the record, I wasn't here for most of this. Sirius's pardon was issued rather early during Summer break, and I couldn't really stomach the idea of sitting around for a summer doing chores, so I went over to the United States until the last week of break.

Anyhoo.

Hermione and Ron became prefects, much to Harry's disappointment and surprise. He wanted to be one but Dumbledore obviously had different plans. They were also rather surprised that I wasn't picked.

 _"You'd think the most dangerous man in all of Gryffindor would have been picked for the job." Ron had commented._

 _"With how he steps around the rules I'm not surprised at all." Hermione had replied._

Were we present the irony would have made my day. Future irony, anyway…all she's done in terms of willingly breaking rules involves setting a teacher on fire.

That aside, Harry does learn more about James from Sirius and about his rule-breaking tendencies, so it puts him in a better mood. The rest of their break was enjoyable if uneventful, as far as I know.

 _Ron gets a new broom per his prefect-ness._

Yeah. I don't care in the slightest though I'm happy he's happy.

Fred and George also start scoping out possible storefronts for a new locale, but since they're still a year out they're not trying too hard. They do have their own workshop though; I gifted them a muggle warehouse they can use to store their stuff in the interim.

In a completely unrelated news story, Molly doesn't like us all that much.

…also Molly saw the boggart depict her family dead at Voldemort's hands. Our corpse was not included, though Harry's was, so…y'know, tells you a bit about our hierarchy in her mind. Don't blame her, really.

For us specifically though…

[Us]

We went to the states both for vacation…and for groundwork. Namely, it's a lot easier to lie, cheat, and steal now that I'm older and more well-armed.

So to that end, we…uh…accomplished very little.

 _Really._

I mean, I'm 15 now, which means I have enough body size to pass for an adult without having someone else come along as a chaperone…but at the same time people tend to look at you weird even if you do the whole "act like you know what you're doing" business.

So…yeah. I didn't really manage to obtain a lot in terms of material possessions.

Instead, we got into contact with paramilitary and military enthusiast groups, with the purpose of learning as much about how best to move our body in a way conducive to the art of not being shot to death.

It'd be nice if I could just invite them into Hogwarts or someplace similar, but the odds of that working out in our favor in the long term is literally nil.

So we spent a few weeks training and taking notes, and then we moved on to the Middle East for about a week so we can buy more black market military hardware.

 _Buy?_

Steal without a trace. Same thing, really.

It would've been nice to get some heavier equipment from the states, but eh. Covering up my tracks would take too long for the time being.

 _So instead…_

 _…_ so instead we bought an old and poorly maintained T-64. Old Russian tank, not really upgraded, busted a few times…I have no idea how to run this thing or how to maintain it, so it'll be fun to figure out.

Though realistically it'll just be an empty chassis we use to ram into things.

 _It gets smuggled into the castle a day before school starts._

…

[Train Ride to Hogwarts]

We 'formally' meet Luna on the train (read: this is where we would have met in canon). She's a bit weird.

We also gave her a summer gift.

 _A souvenir T-Shirt from (insert location here, it's not really important)._

She seems to like it.

We also got one for the nameless Ravenclaw girl just because…and of course one for each of the main cast. Guessing Hermione's size was a touch odd, but we can magically adjust clothing size, so meh.

In order to test that spell we offered to put Luna into what is the equivalent to a skin-tight suit (refit the shirt into one). Surprisingly she accepted, so we managed to test the spell while feeling a bit dirty and unclean. The excess material gets removed into neat balls of material (in this case cotton) so we can undo the spell without much hassle.

…still feel a bit unclean though.

Anyhoo, we met Malfoy on the train, which was nice. The kid's still pretentious, which is a little less nice.

I'm also a known murderer, so Malfoy keeps his distance and bails on us fairly quickly. He doesn't make the 'dogging' remark since Sirius Black is a free man.

The rest of the ride passes without incident, though the muted silence caused by me being in the room is a little irritating.

After disembarking the train, we (by which I mean Harry, Hermy, me, and probably Cedric if he were still in school) find out that we can see Threstrals.

Harry and Hermy gets into a small debate over exactly why these horses are now pulling the carriages. It lasts for about twenty seconds before Neville comes in with the big reveal™.

I pretend to have an epiphany. "Oh yeah, it's because I shot Peter."

"Glad I wasn't there to see that." Ron mutters. "C'mon, let's get carriages."

I don't know if he's happy or sad to be excluded by this.

…

So we do get carriages and make it to the what the fuck

 _We enter the great hall and stop short at the threshold, with Neville bumping into us because we stopped so suddenly._

Why is that woman here?

Umbridge is LITERALLY sitting at the teacher's desk.

 _"What's the hold up?" Ron asks from behind us. "Some of us are hungry."_

I should move. I should move before people catch me staring.

 _We do and get seated._

…

"Who's the new DA teacher?" Harry murmurs as we all take our seats.

My reply is a pretty standard lie. "No clue."

Everyone is staring—some more than others—at Umbridge. She's wearing that…offensively loud pink whatever the hell it was called. Was it a cardigan? I think it was called a cardigan.

But the more important point is WHY IS SHE HERE ALREADY

"She looks like she's not really cut out for the job." Ron smirks. "Not after Mad-Eye."

"Everyone looks like they're not cut for the job compared to Mad-Eye." Fred snarks in return.

Normally I'd make a crack about Hogwarts' hiring system, but this time it's pretty obvious who's got their mitts on the issue…though the real question here is, why didn't Dunny care about teacher competence this time around?

 _He cared during Sirius Black with the Dementors, Flamel with the Mirror, Triwizard with the everything, and the Chamber with almost closing the school._

…ok, fine, but apart from doing everything in his power and not being omniscient, what else has he done?

 _Ahem._

I've lost track of what I was complaining about. Anyhoo…

Monty Python aside, the speech at the beginning of the start of term gets, predictably, taken over by Umbridge…though this time she politely waits to be introduced before getting her speech underway.

"Thank you, Headmaster Albus." Umbridge starts. "It is truly a pleasure to be among the ones entrusted with the duty of educating the next generation."

 _Ron's eyes immediately glaze over._

She goes into rehearsed speech mode. "The Ministry of Magic has always considered the education of young witches and wizards to be of vital importance, and that has never been more important as of late." She takes a breath. "As I'm sure many of you know, the wondrous and hallowed tradition of the Triwizard cup was…unfortunately, interrupted…by the appearance of those who would fashion themselves to be 'Death Eaters'." She spat that last term out like venom.

Good. Or bad.

 _A murmuring stir ripples through the students._

"As such, it behooves us all to move forward in these times." She continues like nothing happened. "And the Ministry, of course, places your safety above all else. Let us move forward into an era of cooperation and safety with the intention to preserve our common history, and work together to ensure the sanctity of our customs and the purity of our laws."

Yuck.

Hmm…

 _Harry also blanked out, leaving just me and Hermy paying attention._

"They be interfering in our school." I mumble.

"I think so too." She agrees. "Why? We're working together, aren't we?"

I shrug, because at the moment I don't have an acceptable answer.

 _The rest of the dinner continues without much incident._

It's only after the dinner that the incident occurred. Namely, we got pulled aside by Umbridge.

"You must be Ash." She says sweetly…wow her eyes are creepy.

Not in a good way, mind. She has those…eyes that try to be friendly and approachable but there's the definite feeling that there's something _terribly wrong_ behind them.

Fortunately I'm Chinese. "That I am." I reply politely.

 _The hell does that have to do with anything?_

Have you seen an old-school Chinese mother get pissed off? Protects you against all fear.

 _Isn't that all mothers though?_

"It's such a pleasure to meet you." She gushes. "I've heard good things about you from Cornelius, you know."

She's adopting that "doting mother" kind of tone with impressively good acting.

 _A model politician then._

To nobody's surprise. "I'm sure most of it is overstated." I reply. "So you're going to be our teacher for the upcoming term?"

"With the mutual agreement of the Ministry and the School, no less." She nods…though I get the feeling she's lying. "Are you feeling well?"

…what?

I admit to being caught flat-footed. "Beg your pardon?"

"You just seem so…pale." She coos. "Should you need anything, don't be shy and come to me? I'm sure we'll be able to provide whatever it is you need."

Ah.

"I'll be sure to take that into consideration, Professor." I say politely. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to catch up to my house."

 _We make a dignified retreat._

…

We screwed the pooch on that one. Well, that might be a little strong, but it was certainly not a meeting that went to my benefit.

So obviously she's making good with us because we're basically _the_ reason why Fudge isn't coming down on Hogwarts like a bag of ineffectual hammers. Whether if she's doing so on her own volition or due to some outside orders isn't clear, but if she's as loyal to the Ministry as canon implies then neither possibility bodes well.

 _So why did we screw the pooch?_

Because I'm naturally mean to shit teachers and I was anything _but_ dismissive of her at that little meeting. A number of students greater than zero saw that meeting.

So the problem is, if she's assigned by the ministry then I risk having her come down on my head if I do my usual shenanigans, and if the ministry cracks down on me specifically then they're not devoting resources to finding and finishing off Riddle.

...that said, it's not like I'm a complete novice when it comes to diplomacy. If she's here because she's a sycophant, then it should be reasonably straightforward to either dance around her or pull her strings to my benefit.

…If she's not just a parrot, then we have a little more difficulty on our hands.

Hmm.

I'll need to sleep on this.

.

.

.

 _We do indeed sleep on it._

I don't get to cliffhanger this?

 _No._

Bah.

Well, the way I see it? Getting into Fudge's good graces solved one problem, and that is the animosity between Hogwarts and the Ministry. There are more problems than that one which results in this political shitmuffin: One, the ministry's reputation is not the best, and of course that reflects poorly on Fudge. Obviously we tried to minimize that one as best as we can, but when…

…huh.

 _What?_

I just realized that the last decade of peace in the wizarding world was literally due to a fluke.

Note to self: see if we can find any news from ten years ago so we can see how badly the ministry tried to spin Voldemort's accidental suicide as proof of the ministry's competence. Since Harry's The Boy Who Lived, I don't think it will be that hard.

Anyhoo, problem one is their tattered reputation, which likely didn't get better due to Hogwarts being…uh, not _quite_ the safest school for the past four years. Jury's out on what their normal reputation is like, but hey.

 _How safe would Hogwarts have been during the time where Voldemort's literally alive?_

Um…good question. Fairly safe, it sounds like.

EITHER WAY

The second issue is that Dumbledore is still the big man in terms of reputation and reliability in the wizarding world. I can't say I know this for certain, but I get the feeling that Fudge can and will take this opportunity to prove himself as the leader he thinks he is.

…and if the presence of Umbridge is any indication, somebody's got it in his head that the best way to be seem reliable is to lower the bar of competition.

…Hmm. Either way, my goal is to ensure that Harry's party is trained and ready for the end-of-year fight that we likely can't avoid. If we can get Umbridge to agree to practicals during class time, great, otherwise, DA it is.

…book five's gonna be me being a politician, isn't it.

Hoo boy.

{ === + === }

Author Notes: Book five!

(Also feel free to remind me on things I should be addressing, since we've gone quite a ways from canon at this point).


	22. Order of the Phoenix - 1

{ === + === }

Alright.

First order of business, I need to know exactly where Umbridge stands in this political shenaniganry. No point trying to play her without info, after all.

But before that.

"Harry, use the mirror Sirius gave you and call him."

Harry is understandably surprised that we knew about it. He opens his mouth for rebuttal, then thinks better of it, shrugs, and does as he's told.

Good boy.

…though strictly speaking this is less valuable than a more canonical timeline, since technically Sirius can just show up in the castle if he really wanted to.

I mean, I'm pretty sure McGonagall will kick his ass if he does, but he still could.

Anyhoo, let's do some research.

…

…

So first things first, I need to know what I'm going to do.

Canonically, the ministry raised holy hell when Harry made it public that Voldemort had returned. They all but destroyed him politically in an effort to preserve their own good standing, until finally Truth prevails and finally shit was gotten together.

So…let's start from here.

First off, Harry Potter was the brick wall that Voldemort shattered his head against.

He was then hailed as the 'Boy Who Lived', which…in retrospect is admittedly little odd. The speed of information isn't instant. Even if Harry was born 20 years later with Twitter, it still wouldn't be instant.

How did people know that he was the boy who lived?

 _Dumbledore knew about the prophecy and definitely would have had the family placed under watch._

If memory serves, that is indeed what happened. So Dumbledore alerted the prophet after Tom killed himself with a baby, and then…

…and then the Prophet spun the story?

Hmm.

I need to do some research.

 _But we have class first._

Bah.

…

[Defense Against the Dark Arts]

…

Why does this class have to be first?!

Umbridge is…the very mask of a sweet, friendly lady. Like the book, she begins by telling us to read a book on theory.

Not gonna lie, I've read the book she assigned and it's actually quite good. Some of it is dated, but the chapters not about averting a conflict are pretty accurate with regards to tactics and movement.

…Well, it's like early World War One tactics being described by someone who's never heard of World War One, but still, pretty interesting.

But of course Harry has beef with it because it's not really teaching him to fight.

It's like if Binns was teaching DA, only more evil. Or something.

 _Hermione begins the dispute by asking for more substantial lessons, but Harry's the one who gets it heated. Umbridge begins to seethe._

I'm very keen to just let this play out according to canon, but…

I raise my hand and borderline shout. "Question, professor."

"Yes?" Umbridge turns to us with her simpering sweet and very much so angry tone.

Since she's pissed off right now, let's be professional about this. "I would like to know if the methodologies presented in the book have been vetted by the Ministry's Aurors."

 _The room descends into confused silence._

"I'm not sure what you mean." Umbridge replies. "This book is ministry approved, and all contents within are thus as well."

Hmm. "I see. So there should be no problems if we recommend the tactics as dictated to the Ministry at large?"

…Huh. That's new.

 _Umbridge may have just turned a slight shade of pale._

"It is not up to the Hogwarts student body to dictate the working doctrine of the Ministry, I'm afraid." She says sweetly. "But it is nice of you to ask."

That's not the defense I was expecting. "I understand. Is there a possibility that we can see the actions as presented in the book in a live demonstration?" I was expecting her to go 'This _is_ the working doctrine of the Ministry'.

She thinks on it (or pretends to). "I will contact the ministry and see if they can spare some Aurors. Showing all of you how the Ministry works is certainly not a bad thing."

Hmm again.

 _With that, we've successfully defused the situation enough that Harry and Hermy no longer tries to directly engage Umbridge. That said, the class is still wasted time, as we basically do a glorified version of self-study where Umbridge more or less reads from the book and offer no other insight._

She's not good at faking teaching, is she? Even Lockhart was more engaging. Hell, _Binns_ is more engaging, if only because he's reciting from memory.

 _What?_

I had Fred and George 'replace' his textbook last year once. He didn't notice.

Anyways, Harry and Hermy aren't too happy (or rather, just Harry isn't too happy) about us interfering on Umbridge's behalf (more or less), so the trio hunt us down after class.

"What the hell was that?" Harry demands. "Why did you go along with what she said?"

Well. "Because we don't know what she's trying to do." I reply calmly. "And given what she said today, there's a little more at work here than I first thought."

"She's working for someone besides Fudge." Hermione says darkly. Hey! She picked up on it.

"She is?" Ron is…less picked-up on it.

"She could be." I correct Hermy. "What we do know is that there was pushback when I brought up the idea of contacting the Ministry, which makes me think that either she's working as a minor party, or else her actions are not considered to be in line with what they're trying to do."

"Do you really think she'll bring Aurors to the class?" Hermy asks.

"Can't say." I shrug. "Though I'll be surprised if it happens."

"Are they really not going to teach us how to fight?" Harry is exasperated.

Heh. "If it bothers you that much, then learn on your own time." I yawn. "Now let's get a move on."

…

The rest of the classes were pretty normal, and now I have free time.

[Free Time]

So, first things first, let's go to the library.

 _We walk up to the librarian's table, staffed by Madam Pince._

"Can I…" Madam Pince frowns upon realizing that it was us, the walking flashbang. "…help you?"

"Does this library have and keep old copies of the Daily Prophet?" I ask somewhat harshly.

She immediately relaxes, because whenever I'm asking for material in a polite tone something invariably goes weird. "We do not. Is there a particular reason you're asking?"

Bah. "I'm looking for information from immediately after You-Know-Who's downfall."

"Now _that_ , I have." She opens a drawer in her table and pulls out an immaculately preserved copy of the Daily Prophet. The big title reads DARK LORD DEFEATED and underneath is a picture of…Cornelius Fudge celebrating.

Interesting.

 _Madam Pince will not let the copy leave her sight, so we read it there and thank her for her time._

She's kept it as a memento, apparently.

So…I think I see what the problem is. Or at least, what the problem is from a high level.

In a nutshell…

Wait, step back a second.

So, first off, Tom's reign lasts fo-puahaha oh my god that sounds stupid

Like who the fuck is the Dark Lord _Tom_

But eh. Tom's reign lasted for fifty years (give and take a few days), so it's fair to say that the entirety of the Magic world's current working population was born with the knowledge and expectation that an evil and malicious force exists somewhere. What with the zombies, happiness-sucking reapers, mind control, and sudden death, it stands to reason that life sucked in those fifty years.

So…for the people who had the world view that their life sucked underneath a dark lord, but knew of nothing else…if someone told them one day that their life has suddenly changed because Tom shot a baby and died in the process…

My point is: would you believe it? If one day someone told you that suddenly and for no explainable reason, your worldview was suddenly 100% wrong, and that the reality is actually going to be puppies and sunshine, would you take that at face value?

I know I wouldn't. If anything, most people should have looked at the return of Voldemort with something akin to expectation. I mean, the Ministry that everyone knew was under Tom's thumb reporting on Tom's death would be…at best weird, at worst utterly bullshit.

Either way, this is my point. For Harry Potter to be hailed as the Boy Who Lived, there had to have been an outside source that peddled this story _hard_. An outside source that's considered to be immaculate and is, in many ways, beyond reproach. No points for guessing who we're talking about.

…This might also be why Dumbledore gets a pass on the morally grey shit he did when he was younger, too. It's hard to mark someone as evil when he's actively working to make sure the actual evil people out there are legitimately trying to kill you.

Either way, judging by that edition of the Prophet, my guess is reasonably accurate. While I can't speak for subsequent editions of the paper, the one released the day after the fall of the Dark Lord celebrated the bejesus out of Harry Potter. Like, the Prophet went to extreme lengths to peddle Harry Potter as the Savior of Mankind.

Moreover, they tacked themselves onto Harry's coattails. There are just pages upon pages of Ministry Task Force reports about raids on Death Eater Hideouts, counterspell plans, arrests. Since this is the Prophet, the accuracy of the information itself is suspect. Plus it's all released on the back pages of the big blocky headlines, as if to say "even if we were mind controlled this is what we were doing behind the scenes", which…again, reeks of total bullshit.

Still, I think the general idea holds.

The Boy Who Lived suggesting that the Ministry has failed in its One Job is inherently upsetting to national stability, and crushing a lone teenager is a lot easier than trying to crush the Death Eaters. If you recall correctly, squashing the death eaters was something the Ministry was terrible at doing.

…So…where do we go from here?

Harry's a big deal for the Ministry because he was the source of their political support for the years immediately following Voldemort going down. Canonically, this is the year where Dunny says Voldemort's back, and Harry's in his corner. They can't have their political support evaporating if the "Boy Who Lived" is saying a different message, so they tried to smack down "Harry Potter" as much as possible…obviously the distinction is irrelevant. It's worth noting that the article we read used Harry Potter's name exactly once, and refers to him as the "Boy Who Lived" in every other instance.

It also helps the ministry's case that Harry makes it damn clear that he is 'just' Harry Potter, not some mythical hero. This (I'm guessing) lets the ministry hold onto the mythos of the Boy Who Lived, and gives them a certain amount of influence that might not hold up very well to scrutiny, but is very effective when placed correctly. I don't have enough political experience to know how precisely that will work, though.

…That aside, what's Umbridge's role in this? She apparently has an ulterior motive that's not tied with the Ministry.

Hmm.

…Well, it's a bit too early for me to tell.

…

[Time Goes By]

…

So obviously Harry doesn't have detention with Umbridge.

I have detention with Umbridge.

 _Wait what_

I'm half kidding. Umbridge is inviting me in a very Slughorn-esque way to "attend to matters that interest the Ministry" and I don't really wanna but I must. Hence detention.

Given I'm not being told to scratch words into the back of my hand I'm pretty ok with this.

The meeting is really just Umbridge trying her spiel as best as she can manage, and she's a pretty decent orator when not full of shit. Pity her message sounds over-rehearsed. For the record, her talking point is basically "the ministry is good for you so do as they tell you".

One interesting point is that she constantly uses titles rather than names (so if she's talking about Fudge she would say "The Minister" instead). It's interesting, but at the moment I can't say for what reason.

Um…what else?

Cho Chang isn't insane from PTSD and is communicating regularly with Cedric via mail. Though I don't endorse underage sex I _really_ hope she got some from him during the summer. Every sketchy comment I make from now on should be prefaced with "Though I don't endorse" from now on.

 _All your sentences will now double in length._

No kidding. What else?

The…uh…guy. Sturgis Podmore. I don't know who he is but apparently he was a part of the Order, got arrested for trying to break into the Ministry. I don't remember this part of the story at all, so I assume this is fairly close to canon.

Also, this means that the Department of Mysteries is still the focus for this year…how come? Harry wasn't the one that mowed Peter Pettigrew down with an assault rifle…

 _Disclaimer?_

…I don't endorse wholesale murder of people with black market Soviet armament. Unless they're related to an underground paramilitary force hell-bent on whatever the fuck they're doing.

Anyway.

Ron's playing Quidditch, and his nerves are…not as bad as they are in canon, but still pretty crippling.

 _His nerves are actually as bad as they are in canon._

I don't actually see any of this, since I'm not affiliated with the Quidditch team. The time that I'm not spent on this divided between listening to Umbridge's bullshit and my own development.

I'll get to that in a bit.

What else?

Percy's happy that Ron became a prefect, though he doesn't tell Ron to disassociate with Harry. He _does_ tell Ron to associate with us instead, though. Likely because he thinks we're on surprisingly good terms with Fudge.

"He's bonkers." Ron had said upon receiving the message. "No offense, but you're bonkers too." He says to us as an afterthought. We take no offense because it is very much true.

Next…

Harry's in constant contact with Sirius, obviously. Sirius also makes it a point to visit the castle at every opportunity (which is basically every weekend) and nobody really stops him, because he's motherfucking _Sirius Black._

 _"Motherfucking Sirius Black" is also extremely polite to McGonagall while on school grounds._

He is also a bit of manchild (unlike us, who is a literal manchild) which endears him to the more rambunctious side of the school populace. It also makes the story that he and James were troublemakers way more likely to believe.

Also, I think Dumbledore may be inviting him to the castle on purpose. For exactly what I don't know, but it seems too…strange, that he would show up at all without some kind of ulterior motive. Yeah he cares for Harry, but he never really struck me as the doting Godfather kind of man. He's more like the Worryingly Volatile Uncle.

…We'll see what happens on that front.

Um…

Umbridge gets made "Official Ministry Liaison" of Hogwarts. Which…functionally speaking is the same as High Inquisitor. The difference here is that I think she was given this post in direct response to Sirius Black, but I have no proof to back it up.

 _The active mind will never find out: Umbridge's assignment was completely unrelated to Sirius Black. She didn't like him, but making a move against a man who was recently freed due to erroneous judgment would damage the Ministry for zero gain._

And Umbridge is of course still not showing magic. She did invite an Auror into the class to do a little show and tell, but it was very heavily leaned towards the 'tell' part and wasn't all that informative.

And Umbridge is of course judging the teachers for political reliability, and of course Hagrid gets the short end of it. We don't see the exchange and thus do not get to interfere because we took Arithmancy at the time.

 _Which is…_

Magic numbers. In a way. It's basically trig and geometry with a lot of magical implications thrown in. I'm…not overly fond of the class, but it makes me a better spellmaker, so I can't really complain. My Prismatic Ray hits even harder now (and I can cast it faster) thanks to the ability to reliability draw perfect circles while moving, for example.

…

[The Establishment of the DA]

…

Oh we're going straight to this?

 _Need to pad out the word count because you keep shortcutting things._

Huh.

Harry teaches magic.

How's that?

 _Ahem._

Ah, fine.

So, during Hogsmeade weekend, Harry, Ron, and Hermy go into a seedy bar and talk about making an organization for teaching combat magic in a very active way. They are, in a sense, creating a paramilitary force. Were this ten years later, we would have very reasonable grounds to accuse them of fostering domestic terrorism.

We're a part of the 'second group' that enters the Hog's Head after the three of them (the group that Hermione has invited before she talked to Harry proper). I agree with Sirius that hosting a meeting like this in a seedy bar is sketchy as all fuck, but I can see that Hermione's on an adrenaline rush, so I'm going to keep my mouth shut.

They get to chatting about teaching. With Voldemort's return being common knowledge (insofar as it's not immediately being denied) the conversation goes a little differently.

The topic comes around to who's teaching. Currently, Harry's adamant about just teaching defense.

"But You-Know-Who's back, right?" A student (Justin Finch-Fletchley) says nervously. "Is it really fine to just defend?"

"I can teach offense." I volunteer. "But it takes a lot of time, so I'll likely just be working with a few people at a time."

Justin looks very pale at the idea of us teaching.

"Dude, I don't bite." I make myself sound offended.

"Just don't go overboard." Hermione sighs. For the record, she had asked us to teach offense before this meeting and I had agreed (under the proviso that Harry chooses to do this).

A little more conversation goes afterwards, but ultimately it's decided that the group will meet in the Room of Requirement.

 _We didn't volunteer the Chamber of Secrets?_

It would get revealed as our hideout if 30-odd people go back and forth. Instead, we're setting a connection point from the RoR to the Chamber's bathroom (which is now permanently closed—Snape erected a wall over the entrance that only he and I can pass through).

 _Seems odd that Snape would do something so…polite._

I blew the shit out of the first five walls he tried. And then I revoked his license to get in, so he got bombarded by Winds of Sleep until he gave up. It was just a lot easier to be nice, really.

Anyhoo…

[First Day of Training]

…

So…like I said, our class size is about thirty. The named NPCs from canon are obviously there, and the rest are unnamed NPCs (like the Little Ravenclaw Girl).

Harry lines them up for disarming training (with a little bit of scoffing from Justin).

Fred and George immediately bounce over to us.

"Hello there, Ash." Fred says brightly. "We're ready to learn."

"Is it going to be similar to the thing you had made for Triwizard?" George asks.

So as expected we had some time to prepare (to the tune of 4 days).

"In a way." I nod. "But in this case we're training against known threats; that is, our enemies are basically smart, so obstacle courses are neato but not really a priority."

"O…kay?" Fred senses something wrong. "So how are we doing this?"

"Easy." I pull my wand. "We practice."

"Oh shit." George mutters.

…

[3rd Person Camera]

…

Ash and the Weasley twins move to a separated side room.

"For starters, we're going to be doing some drills." Ash says and waves his wand. A series of targets rise from around the room and float lazily at around waist height.

"Um." Fred felt like he knew half of what he was expected to do.

"Each one of these target boards will charge a water spell." Ash explains. "Each board has a wind-up time of around 20 seconds, and it'll glow green when it starts charging. If you don't intercept it with a spell of some kind, it'll shoot water at you."

"And they're all around us." George looks to his left and right. "So this is reflex training?"

Ash nods. "Yep. A spell's worthless if it doesn't hit, so don't get hit. Use only stunners for this exercise because I don't want to make more."

"Got it." Fred and George say simultaneously and then take back-to-back positions.

Ash's eyebrow goes up. "Did I say you get to work together? Split. One at a time. Person who's not doing this exercise is sparring with me."

"Crap." Fred sighs. "Well brother, it's been nice knowing you." He says, leaving George to fend for himself in the circle of water-spewing targets.

Ash and Fred take the other half of the room, where a circular dueling ring had been set up.

"There are three skills we definitively need: Reflex, Offense, and Defense." Ash ticks off on his fingers. "Reflex is what George is doing. Offense is Harry, and Defense is me."

Fred blinks. "Wait, isn't Harry supposed to be defense?"

"You'd think so." Ash laughs. "But properly casting a spell, even if it's a defensive one, is an entirely aggressive training regime. It's all about casting time and preparation, and you win if you out-cast the enemy. Aggressive." He stretches and warms up. "So we're here to learn actual defense."

"How?" Fred instinctively takes some steps back.

"Disarm and recovery." Ash says simply. "All of you are super reliant on your wands, so we're going to practice how to take it away without the Disarming spell, and how to recover even when wandless."

"Ok." Fred gets ready.

He then feels his wand slip from his hand, and before he could react Ash had already closed the distance.

"You lose." Ash grins, his hand inches from Fred's face.

"What was that?" Fred says curiously and retrieves his wand…he then notices that his wand was unnecessarily slippery. "Oil?"

"Yep." Ash nods. "Transfigure the air around the wand into oil. It's all about removing their ability to cast…and then finishing them off if necessary." He removes the oil from Fred's wand.

"Hopefully we'll never come to that." Fred recovers his wand and immediately begins casting. "Exp—"

The bottom of his jaw was hit by a small blast of wind and the rest of his spell evaporated.

"Remember…you get to lose only once." Ash grins as Fred shakes off the hit. "So get scrappy."

"I'll keep that in mind." Fred transfigures some sand from the ground (the room actually provided it to him) and tosses it at Ash. Given it takes him longer than half a second to make a throwing motion with his arm…

Ash blew the sand back into his face with wind.

Fred had covered his face with his robes just in case something like this happened.

Ash slams another blast of wind onto Fred's back.

"You really like the wind charm, don't you?" Fred says with his face into the ground.

"You have no idea how amazingly useful this is." Ash laughs. "I don't have to chant and I can just direct force at my target."

"Good to know." Fred rolls and successfully fires off a stunner. He had the distinct feeling that Ash let him.

A small card floats into the path of the stunner and expands to five times its size, eats the stunner, and catches on fire.

Fred immediately runs away from the fire. He trips on the smooth stone floor, and wind hits his back half a second later.

 _Yikes._ Fred thinks as he stares at the ceiling. _I hope George is having a better time of things._ "What did I trip on?" He asks as Ash pulls him back onto his feet.

"I put ice under your shoe." Ash shrugs. "Easy."

"You should invite McGonagall." Fred laughs as the two returns to their starting positions. "She'll give you all the house points you'd want."

Ash shares his laughs in response. "Who do you think gave me all these ideas?"

…

[1st Person Camera]

…

I'm not kidding, by the way. McGonagall's a scarily proficient scrapper.

 _We put Fred through the paces for about ten more minutes before letting him switch with George._

We put George through his paces too and then send both of them back to the main hall.

The two of them immediately find a pair of plushy chairs that conveniently appeared from nowhere and sit down, exhausted. Everyone else, practicing with their disarming charms, stare at the twins with something like shock and horror.

"Next." I grin like an evil bastard™.

Predictably, nobody makes a move in our direction.

"Oh come now, guys. I don't bite." I grin harder.

"Me." Luna volunteers enthusiastically.

Hmm. "Ok…I need two, though. Actually, no I don't. Everybody, follow me for a sec."

 _They do, albeit with a little bit of reservation._

We show them the reflex training room and explain it, that way I don't have to do it every time.

Ok, _now_ we can get to work training with Luna.

…

…

…

Following the hour-long meeting, we've trained with Fred, George, Luna, Hermione, and Ron.

And Harry, though that's more of a showmatch. Ron was a bit salty I wiped the floor with him many times over, so he roped Harry into protecting his ego.

 _And in our showmatch…_

I let Harry show off the power of solid spellcasting and then (proverbially) stomped him into the ground.

So, summary.

Fred and George kick serious ass together, but when split apart they're definitely less than effective. Fred's more mid-range, preferring stand-off attacks, while George is a little more melee, preferring to trade shots with his target. George takes to 'dirty' fighting a little faster, too.

Hermione's a straight shooter…boringly so, in fact. Her chanting is amazing and her spells basically come out at more than full power, but her casting speed is slow and she takes care to have her feet planted, which is real bad. After a session involving me kicking her ass with simple little spells repeatedly she caught on to the whole "don't stand in one place" idea and began moving around. She's still liable to plant her feet if she gets disoriented, which means that an ambush with people like me will end with her on the floor.

By comparison, Ron knows the value of being a moving target. He's very good at finding cover and returning fire, and in general is heads above the rest in terms of battle viability. His downside is tunnel vision. Like…he'll see _you_ trying some shit and has no problems countering or getting out of the way, but if you set a simple trap on the ground at the same time he'll fall for it hook, line, and sinker. The training made him aware of the problem, but if you capture his attention and then forcibly divert it you get a _massive_ opening on him. His casting in general is also somewhat poor, though that's a lot easier to fix.

Luna is…erratic. She's sometimes really good, sometimes really bad, so I don't have a good grasp on how good she actually is. When good, she gives me a run for my money. When bad, she can't stand up to a stiff breeze. I think it's more of a focus problem, but I think as we all know she's one of the more hardcore secondary characters, so I'm not that worried.

Lastly is Harry. Harry suffers from an over-reliance on Disarming, but he's so good at getting the spell into position that it no longer matters. I'm going to believe that he's finally showing off the magic power inherited from the Evans and Potter family. At this point, he's probably the most powerful member of the party, as befitting his protagonist status.

Everybody else is improving at a steady rate. We should put Neville through his paces at some point just so our secondary protagonist gets some chance to shine.

 _And how are we?_

As usual, any battles involving magic would need to be stopped as quickly as possible, since my pool is still smaller than everybody else's. I make up for it by being hideously efficient with my small spells, though, so it's about even.

 _New spells?_

Not really but yes. I've adapted the transparency spell (the one used to make Harry invisible at the beginning of book 7) and turned it into a kind of spell transparency. After a two-month period of practice, I can cast that transparency onto a secondary spell of low enough power, and make the whole thing invisible until it makes contact with the enemy.

Spells don't make noise when they're flying, and they don't make noise until they make contact, either, so…yeah. It's bullshit, and I love it. Most of my time is spent on practicing silent chanting so I can do all of the spells without making a sound or motion.

I can do Wind of Sleep without sound or motion now (I made it a priority) so I can literally make people pass out just by walking by.

 _That sounds like a rather damning praise._

…in retrospect, yes, yes it does.

 _The Little Ravenclaw Girl is decently good, but hasn't done much to separate herself from the crowd of NPCs._

Anyways.

…

[A day after the Meeting]

…

Umbridge calls us into her office.

We can't refuse since we've never had a reason to refuse, so we attend.

"Ash, dear." She says after getting her pleasantry preambles out of the way. "I have come across some frightening information about a group of schoolchildren creating a club for extracurricular magic." She simpers. "You wouldn't happen to know anything about it, would you?"

I don't know how much information she has, so no point lying about this. "Yes, I happen to be affiliated with this group." I say firmly.

"Is that so?" She shows no change. "I would hope that you keep an eye on the children, and make sure they are…ah, not placing themselves in any kind of danger."

Ha. "Rest assured, Professor. Though the students may be gathering outside the perjury of a school staff member, they nevertheless are following the Ministry's prescriptions on safe and responsible magic use." I am, of course, the primary reason why the above statement is blatant lies.

"Is that so?" She still shows no change. "I find it difficult to believe that a student of Hogwarts would be safe at all times. Mayhaps there should be a teacher in the premises?"

Mm… "I'm afraid that would be seen as bias. There is no other club in the school that requires a teacher's attendance, and any teachers who choose to do so does so voluntarily." There's a potionmaking club staffed entirely by Slytherins. Snape attends it, but I don't think they ever do anything.

 _Also, what's going on?_

Nothing is actually going on, despite the language being traded. As I have learned from our past two months of interaction, Dolores pays great attention to station, and thus doesn't listen to people who she considers to be beneath her.

I'm…what, 15, 16? Now? And I'm pretty low on the political social ladder, so she uses me as a sounding board to make herself sound smart. I think her argument goes like "since my argument has been debated, it is therefore sound and I am so smart."

…I may be giving her less credit than she deserves, but so far she hasn't shown me that her actions are indicative of something else.

Anyways, Umbridge lays out the rest of her plan (with us to play parrot) and all signs point to her wanting to ban the clubs 'just in case'. I'm not supposed to ask questions so I'll just smile and nod, but I am very curious as to who exactly benefits from this action.

 _She dismisses us after fifteen minutes._

Very curious, indeed.

…

[Day After]

…

Umbridge has now been given the power to oversee the actions of all teachers, under the pretext of ensuring that they would 'adhere to the rigorous standards of excellence as expected by the ministry of magic and the parental body.' So basically her high inquisitor position, but with a little more believable fluff.

Likewise, she's also instituted a rule that says 'all formal clubs of the school must have a registered teacher guardian, and all clubs that does not have such a guardian will be banned a week after the rule's implementation.'

Again, very reasonable, and very problematic for our guys, who do not trust Umbridge further than they can throw her. The other clubs can just have their teachers/house heads register as the teacher in charge, which gives them zero pain.

 _Which means our group is going underground?_

Ah…haha, _fuck_ no. We're going to follow Umbridge's rules.

Y'know, for a given definition of 'following'.

…

 _We solve the problem the next day._

Yep.

 _So what was the solution?_

Well.

…

"Ash this is not going to work." Hermione says exasperatedly as we walk to Umbridge's office.

"Sure it will." I have a stack of papers and overwhelming confidence.

We walk into Umbridge's office, with me at the front along with a rather high bounce to my step.

"Ah, if it isn't Ash. Welcome." Umbridge simpers. "Good day to you too, Miss Granger, Mister Potter." She adds…if I didn't know her tone so well I would have said she was sincere.

"I have a form of authorization I would like to submit concerning the formal creation of our club." I say. "I trust there should be no problems."

Umbridge scans our document and her eyes grow progressively wider before narrowing at the very end. "Is this the truth?" She seethes.

"Of course." I grin. "Is there a problem?" I have never lied (technically) in her presence.

"I find it hard to believe that the lot of you are simply doing this as _research._ " She throws the paper onto her table.

Harry smirks slightly at the title of our new club.

"I can assure you that it will not be simple." I say. "But it is our goal to learn more about magic and its many different utilities from an international standpoint."

Umbridge glowers at us.

"I can call the guardian as listed here if you'd like to hear a more detailed explanation." I offer. "He'll do a much better job of convincing you than I can, I'm sure."

"That will not be necessary." Umbridge says icily. "Very well, I hereby approve of your…club." She stamps the paper and files it away in a fashion that suggests she will never look at them again. "Now go; I have work to do."

…

"That went well." Hermione notes. "A little too well."

"Diplomatic immunity has its advantages." I laugh. "Especially when our opponent cares."

I'm leveraging the fact that I have connections to Fudge against Umbridge. Now, obviously I can't _use_ it (and I would only damage my standing if I tried) but I was reasonably certain that Umbridge would consider a refusal against me as a justification for a possible attack against her. I'm…well, I can't say I'm glad it worked out, because I was betting that she'd be overly paranoid, but…I'm glad it worked out.

In any event, we're now legitimate. For a given definition of 'legit'.

"Still, the Club for 'International Magic Research'?" Harry smirks. "Seriously?"

Hermione was also curious, though I wasn't about to give an answer. "How did you get Professor Binns to agree?"

.

.

.

{ === + === }

Author Notes: It's about time Binns got his time to shine.


End file.
